Trapped
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Maine
Posts: 5
Trapped
I am brand new to this, I just do not know where else to turn and I figured why not try this. I have nothing to lose. Here is some background information... I am young and newly renting my first apartment working my first job and all that. I have been dating my boyfriend for the last 6 months. He was using for the first 5 months that I knew him and I had no idea. I had no idea he was using or had a past addiction problem. In school I studied to become a social worker and am still working towards it. I learned a lot about addicts and their behavior. I never thought I would be in the position I am in now. About 2 months ago I found a facebook post on my boyfriends wall about a meeting. I was concerned about it because I had no idea of his past I asked him about it and he came clean with me and told me he is a heroin addict. He told he has been through detox and treatment a few times and had some long periods of sobriety. After he came clean to me about this he came clean to his mom that he was using again. (She knew about his past) He went to detox and a treatment program for a month and is now living 2 miles from my house in a sober living community. He is doing well and just got a new job. I am proud of him. I am having a very hard time with all of this. The lies, the trust issues, time management just everything. We are still together and talk often about whether we should take a break. I love him so much, we have not been together that long but I fell really hard for him. Everyday I see him and I have to question him and wonder if he is high. I have tried to be supportive of him and mostly held my feelings inside because I was afraid of what they would do to him. I have been trying to stay strong because he needs me to.
But today......I feel broken. With his new job and my job, and meetings, and his sponsor, and the step work and his sponsor meetings we hardly see each other anymore. And before we saw each other everyday and were basically living together. This morning I woke up early, got dressed up and went to the grocery store bought all his favorite foods and made him a big brunch. I took out my good china and set a pretty table up on my back porch. It looked like a Martha Stewart magazine cover. I was so proud of myself. I waited for him for two hours with everything all ready and set up. Then i got a text saying he cannot leave the house because he did not finish his 4th step writing and now is not allowed to leave the house. I was/am so disappointed my hard work is now getting soaked in the rain.....and I am falling apart writing this post just crying my eyes out. I guess my question to you guys is...am I wasting my time? Should I be letting him focus on his recovery and move on? Should I try and stick it out even though I am miserable? I feel like I lost my best friend and boyfriend, my main support group is gone and I am feeling lost and lonely. I think I need him as much as he needs me but is this just not the right timing? I just dont know what to do....I know this was long and a lot to read. I just needed to get it all out. Any advice/ suggestions really anything are welcome. Thanks!
But today......I feel broken. With his new job and my job, and meetings, and his sponsor, and the step work and his sponsor meetings we hardly see each other anymore. And before we saw each other everyday and were basically living together. This morning I woke up early, got dressed up and went to the grocery store bought all his favorite foods and made him a big brunch. I took out my good china and set a pretty table up on my back porch. It looked like a Martha Stewart magazine cover. I was so proud of myself. I waited for him for two hours with everything all ready and set up. Then i got a text saying he cannot leave the house because he did not finish his 4th step writing and now is not allowed to leave the house. I was/am so disappointed my hard work is now getting soaked in the rain.....and I am falling apart writing this post just crying my eyes out. I guess my question to you guys is...am I wasting my time? Should I be letting him focus on his recovery and move on? Should I try and stick it out even though I am miserable? I feel like I lost my best friend and boyfriend, my main support group is gone and I am feeling lost and lonely. I think I need him as much as he needs me but is this just not the right timing? I just dont know what to do....I know this was long and a lot to read. I just needed to get it all out. Any advice/ suggestions really anything are welcome. Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: in the city by the bay
Posts: 605
Ok, I'll give my 2 cents here. I have no experience with substance abuse. However, you say he was using 5 of the 6 months you were together? So that takes some deception to make that possible. 6 months? That is not long at all and to be encountering these problems so soon is a huge red flag. You say you are trying to be supportive and that "he needs me". No, he needs to get clean. It has nothing to do with you.
I grew up with a social worker mother. You are probably kind and giving which usually goes with going into that profession.
What is worse than being the girlfriend of a heroin addict? being the wife of one and/or having kids with one.
Heroin? Yikes. You need to re-think this one. If he told you when you first met, I'm currently abusing heroin, would you have gone out with him?
He has a serious problem. You can't fix everyone. He'd need to be clean of heroin for quite a long time before I would contemplate taking him back and I probably wouldn't.
Sorry, not what you want to hear I am sure, but there are enough people on the planet. Heroin addicts will let their live go into complete shambles to continue their addiction. Please don't go down with him.
If he abused 5 out of the last 6 months and he's been in rehab "a few times"...this is too much for you to handle. You have the world ahead of you.
Given what you have said, more than likely he will use again. It's like a train wreck waiting to happen.
First job, first apartment...you are doing everything right, don't mess it up by taking on someone else's severe addition problem.
I grew up with a social worker mother. You are probably kind and giving which usually goes with going into that profession.
What is worse than being the girlfriend of a heroin addict? being the wife of one and/or having kids with one.
Heroin? Yikes. You need to re-think this one. If he told you when you first met, I'm currently abusing heroin, would you have gone out with him?
He has a serious problem. You can't fix everyone. He'd need to be clean of heroin for quite a long time before I would contemplate taking him back and I probably wouldn't.
Sorry, not what you want to hear I am sure, but there are enough people on the planet. Heroin addicts will let their live go into complete shambles to continue their addiction. Please don't go down with him.
If he abused 5 out of the last 6 months and he's been in rehab "a few times"...this is too much for you to handle. You have the world ahead of you.
Given what you have said, more than likely he will use again. It's like a train wreck waiting to happen.
First job, first apartment...you are doing everything right, don't mess it up by taking on someone else's severe addition problem.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
My AH is a heroin addict, in recovery, but addict is always an addict, that doesn't go away. You want to have a healthy relationship with an addict and it is just not possible. You want him to spend time with you, be part of your life, live together, do stuff together. First of all, so early in recovery, all he can do is be there maybe 10% out of 100. Maybe. If he is serious about his recovery, he will put it BEFORE you. If not, he will relapse. He is not capable to give you a relationship that you want. If you can be in this semi-relationship, where you give but don't expect back, then you know, you can be in it 
Trust thing never goes away. I feel like his addiction caused PTSD in me. I feel crazy. I hate saying this. But I will be honest. You have been together for 6 months and this is heroin. I would not stay if I was given this choice. Sorry.
Trust thing never goes away. I feel like his addiction caused PTSD in me. I feel crazy
. I hate saying this. But I will be honest. You have been together for 6 months and this is heroin. I would not stay if I was given this choice. Sorry.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It might be a good idea to put some space and time between you right now, if he is doing a recovery program he will need to focus on himself and his recovery and your relationship may be a distraction he doesn't need right now.
If he is using then space and time will let you decide if this is really the life you want for yourself...now...5 years from now...10?
I don't doubt that you think you love him but 6 months is hardly enough time to get to know someone well. If you were my daughter I'd suggest you run for the hills and don't look back.
Whatever you decide, we're walking with you. Take a good read around and you will get a feel for what continuing this relationship may bring.
Hugs
If he is using then space and time will let you decide if this is really the life you want for yourself...now...5 years from now...10?
I don't doubt that you think you love him but 6 months is hardly enough time to get to know someone well. If you were my daughter I'd suggest you run for the hills and don't look back.
Whatever you decide, we're walking with you. Take a good read around and you will get a feel for what continuing this relationship may bring.
Hugs
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board, LLG. Sorry for the delay in properly greeting you; work's been a bit busy for me lately and I'm just getting to your post now. Thankfully, Ann and others have responded to your post.
When young people such as yourself come to us, the feedback I give differs somewhat than the feedback I give to older adults. And I guess the reason for that is I have nieces and nephews who are young, and I often think about what I would say if they found themselves in a situation such as yours.
With that in mind...
You've been with him 6 months. For the first 5 months, he was using heroin. What this means is you don't know the real him. You only know him while he's under the influence. And this is a big, big distinction.
I strongly, and I mean strongly, encourage you to not think in terms of your relationship, but to think in terms of your life and your future and whether or not this is something you want to get deeply involved in. You have your whole life ahead of you. Please think about what is best for you, not what you want.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
When young people such as yourself come to us, the feedback I give differs somewhat than the feedback I give to older adults. And I guess the reason for that is I have nieces and nephews who are young, and I often think about what I would say if they found themselves in a situation such as yours.
With that in mind...
You've been with him 6 months. For the first 5 months, he was using heroin. What this means is you don't know the real him. You only know him while he's under the influence. And this is a big, big distinction.
I strongly, and I mean strongly, encourage you to not think in terms of your relationship, but to think in terms of your life and your future and whether or not this is something you want to get deeply involved in. You have your whole life ahead of you. Please think about what is best for you, not what you want.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
In my opinion - the fact that you need him - as much as he needs you screams codependency.
You should always have a separate support system.... friends are important.
I have made my life with a heroin addict... recovering addict... whatever.. and it doesn't go away. I have had to pick up the pieces and put everything back together many many many time.
Stealing, lying, game playing - gas lighting (look that up)... are the weapons they use. Yes, I also have PTSD from dealing with the trauma that my husband has causes me. The one person that swore to protect me was the person hurting me. Granted it was financial abuse and not physical. So, we have two kids that love him and he has been absent for half of my 8 year old life due to addiction and recovery.
You should always have a separate support system.... friends are important.
I have made my life with a heroin addict... recovering addict... whatever.. and it doesn't go away. I have had to pick up the pieces and put everything back together many many many time.
Stealing, lying, game playing - gas lighting (look that up)... are the weapons they use. Yes, I also have PTSD from dealing with the trauma that my husband has causes me. The one person that swore to protect me was the person hurting me. Granted it was financial abuse and not physical. So, we have two kids that love him and he has been absent for half of my 8 year old life due to addiction and recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Shoreline area, CT
Posts: 68
Trapped, sweetie... you kind of picked the wrong name. You aren't. Lucky you.
You'd be trapped if you married him, or had kids with him, or shared a house, finances and a mortgage. You'd be trapped if you were financially dependent on him. You'd be trapped if you were only in this country legally because of him. You'd be trapped if he were your father or your son or your grandfather or your brother.
The good news for you is, you're not trapped at all, unless you want to be. You sound like a lovely young lady, with so much to give, but choosing to give it to your boyfriend? Well, to echo Ann here, if you were my daughter, I'd tell you to get going, fast, in the other direction.
Our hearts and feelings don't always lead us in the right direction. Love doesn't, actually, conquer all. Especially addiction. Nobody EVER loved somebody out of their addiction, it doesn't work that way.
You're at such a special, growing time of your life. Please, take our words to heart and do NOT throw it away on this guy. Or, do things that will wind up in your actually becoming "trapped." KK?
Jane
You'd be trapped if you married him, or had kids with him, or shared a house, finances and a mortgage. You'd be trapped if you were financially dependent on him. You'd be trapped if you were only in this country legally because of him. You'd be trapped if he were your father or your son or your grandfather or your brother.
The good news for you is, you're not trapped at all, unless you want to be. You sound like a lovely young lady, with so much to give, but choosing to give it to your boyfriend? Well, to echo Ann here, if you were my daughter, I'd tell you to get going, fast, in the other direction.
Our hearts and feelings don't always lead us in the right direction. Love doesn't, actually, conquer all. Especially addiction. Nobody EVER loved somebody out of their addiction, it doesn't work that way.
You're at such a special, growing time of your life. Please, take our words to heart and do NOT throw it away on this guy. Or, do things that will wind up in your actually becoming "trapped." KK?
Jane
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Dear lostlonelygirl,
I have read each post above and they are all full of gold. But I will be honest with
you. I heard the same things when I first came here---and resisted mightily.
How can these disembodied voices, these STRANGERS, have any bearing on my life?
How could they POSSIBLY know how kind, special, and just all around WONDERFUL this
person is?
The truth is......they DON'T. They couldn't possibly. We guard our anonymity very
jealously here.
What they DO know..... is addiction. All of it's forms and faces. They form the larger
form of a human family, the ones that care about you even without knowing you. When
a very expensive Coast Guard plane goes far out to sea---the crew does not personally
know who they are looking for. They are charged with a higher duty that implies all
human life is valuable and worth safeguarding.
I will echo lovetohikect and say what I have said to my own daughter (ad infinitum!)
There is only one thing in life: Time. And there are only 2 questions worth asking: How
are you going to spend it (occupation), and WHO are you going to spend it with.
You relate that you are trained and interested in social work. A noble and fine
line of work, but one where professional rigor (e.g. DISTANCE!) is sometimes called
for. You cannot help ANYONE if you don't get your oxygen mask on FIRST (You just
become another casualty).
The "who" is the most critical decision we can make. Give THAT fact the respect
and due diligence it deserves.
"lonelylostgirl"....you 'are' none of those things. Lonely is a transitory condition. Lost?
You have your entire life ahead of you and that, in and of itself----makes you the envy
of most of humanity. Girl? No. You are renting a place and launching into the real world,
you are a WOMAN and don't let anyone minimize you with that "girl" sh*t.
Trapped? No. HELL no! But you CAN be. Addiction is a spider's web and you must
have the fear, wariness, and trepidation of a fly when proximate to it. Make no mistake
about it. If it captures you it will suck the juice/life out of you until you ARE trapped.
There are seven billion humans out there. They run from the brightest of luminaries
to the lowest of the low. Embrace that with joy, love, anticipation, and happiness....
........and just the smallest smidge of fear...........
I have read each post above and they are all full of gold. But I will be honest with
you. I heard the same things when I first came here---and resisted mightily.
How can these disembodied voices, these STRANGERS, have any bearing on my life?
How could they POSSIBLY know how kind, special, and just all around WONDERFUL this
person is?
The truth is......they DON'T. They couldn't possibly. We guard our anonymity very
jealously here.
What they DO know..... is addiction. All of it's forms and faces. They form the larger
form of a human family, the ones that care about you even without knowing you. When
a very expensive Coast Guard plane goes far out to sea---the crew does not personally
know who they are looking for. They are charged with a higher duty that implies all
human life is valuable and worth safeguarding.
I will echo lovetohikect and say what I have said to my own daughter (ad infinitum!)
There is only one thing in life: Time. And there are only 2 questions worth asking: How
are you going to spend it (occupation), and WHO are you going to spend it with.
You relate that you are trained and interested in social work. A noble and fine
line of work, but one where professional rigor (e.g. DISTANCE!) is sometimes called
for. You cannot help ANYONE if you don't get your oxygen mask on FIRST (You just
become another casualty).
The "who" is the most critical decision we can make. Give THAT fact the respect
and due diligence it deserves.
"lonelylostgirl"....you 'are' none of those things. Lonely is a transitory condition. Lost?
You have your entire life ahead of you and that, in and of itself----makes you the envy
of most of humanity. Girl? No. You are renting a place and launching into the real world,
you are a WOMAN and don't let anyone minimize you with that "girl" sh*t.
Trapped? No. HELL no! But you CAN be. Addiction is a spider's web and you must
have the fear, wariness, and trepidation of a fly when proximate to it. Make no mistake
about it. If it captures you it will suck the juice/life out of you until you ARE trapped.
There are seven billion humans out there. They run from the brightest of luminaries
to the lowest of the low. Embrace that with joy, love, anticipation, and happiness....
........and just the smallest smidge of fear...........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Maine
Posts: 5
Thank you for all the responses. Maybe it is my nature to always see the good in people, but I always do. I always try to fight with people and help in anyway that I can. I know that I always but others before myself. I always have and probably always will. I know a lot of you will think that I am crazy to think this. But as of right now he is doing all of the right things and working so hard at his recovery. I think that everyone deserves a second chance. I am not saying I will stay with him for forever but I do want to continue trying as long as he continues working hard to become clean. Over the course of the last month I have fallen more for this guy because I have begun to see the real him. I have gotten to see the guy without the drugs and I really like who I am seeing. I know that addiction lasts forever but I find it hard to punish him for his past and not give him a chance to change and show me how he can be in the future. I have a great family, and friend group. I am still a happy girl who loves her life (most of the time) he contributes to me happiness as well he is obviously not all bad. I do not want to be naive though.....help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Shoreline area, CT
Posts: 68
Well, now I don't know what to say. Your first message had a lot of sadness, fear and uncertainty in it, and many red flags about your boyfriend, too. Your second message seems to say, I'm the kind of person who sticks with someone through thick and thin. An admirable quality, but perhaps not the very best in deciding what to do about an addict.
You seem to be asking if you're being naive about all this and to be as gentle as possible about this... yes, I think you are. The folks who've responded to you thus far probably have a total of 500 years of dealing with addicts and to a person, they've warned you off. I can't speak for everybody else who reads this, but I'm willing to bet that about **% of us would not willingly become enmeshed with an addict. That's why, while we don't think you're "crazy," we do think, and I'll say it - you have no idea what you're letting yourself in for. I don't care how wonderful this guy is, you just can't imagine what the road ahead of you is going to entail.
Look, my daughters don't listen to me, either. And I guess this is a double-remove. But still, gosh, if it were me, I'd at least take it VERY easy and avoid creating ANY ties with him, anything at all that you can't get out of quickly and simply (that is, if you're bound and determined to be with him anyway).
Jane
You seem to be asking if you're being naive about all this and to be as gentle as possible about this... yes, I think you are. The folks who've responded to you thus far probably have a total of 500 years of dealing with addicts and to a person, they've warned you off. I can't speak for everybody else who reads this, but I'm willing to bet that about **% of us would not willingly become enmeshed with an addict. That's why, while we don't think you're "crazy," we do think, and I'll say it - you have no idea what you're letting yourself in for. I don't care how wonderful this guy is, you just can't imagine what the road ahead of you is going to entail.
Look, my daughters don't listen to me, either. And I guess this is a double-remove. But still, gosh, if it were me, I'd at least take it VERY easy and avoid creating ANY ties with him, anything at all that you can't get out of quickly and simply (that is, if you're bound and determined to be with him anyway).
Jane
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
keep in mind hon, that when you met him he was using and you didn't have a clue. and that was only six little months ago. half a year. it's great he seems to be doing the right things now.....but he's only been sober for a month or so now.....that's very very early sobriety. as it is, he's still having trouble following the rules at the sober house....or at least that is what he said when he missed the lovely dinner you planned.
slow things way down. give time time. you are just starting out yourself...first apartment, first job. keep your eye on the prize here, which is your own fabulously wonderful life that may or may not include him. and you will be ok either way.
slow things way down. give time time. you are just starting out yourself...first apartment, first job. keep your eye on the prize here, which is your own fabulously wonderful life that may or may not include him. and you will be ok either way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Doing and saying the right things is their specialty.
They know precisely what we want to hear.
Heroin, as so many here have found out---takes no prisoners,
and it is far Far, FAR more powerful than love.
Beware, my young friend, beware........and never, Never, NEVER forget
to pull the safety pin out of your emergency egress system.
(Never allow your route of escape be compromised)
They know precisely what we want to hear.
Heroin, as so many here have found out---takes no prisoners,
and it is far Far, FAR more powerful than love.
Beware, my young friend, beware........and never, Never, NEVER forget
to pull the safety pin out of your emergency egress system.
(Never allow your route of escape be compromised)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 21
Good Morning, Lost...
Like a lot of people here, when I first arrived to SR they gave me a lot of advice on my RAx(?)GF. At the time? I couldn't handle *any* of it. They all told me to "ditch her". And like you, I will ride a sinking ship until it is long lost at the bottom of the sea. I did it with my first ex wife. I did it with my second ex wife... And if it were not for SR and the warnings I received from these people, the people who at the time's advice I had abhorred and actively ignored, I would be doing it with my addict right now.
My advice is that if you aren't liking what you're hearing, do your homework. If you're majoring in social work, you'll be able to apply it to your career, too. Since joining up here in May, I think, I've just been reading and doing a lot of homework. In the process, I've found that I have many Co-Dependent tendencies, and I'm currently working a program where I can find ways to make me happy, Independent of anyone else. Through private support groups on FB (naranon, Codependent, Heroin Addicts, etc...) I'm realizing a couple of things. *If* my addict were to stay sober:
~Drugs would still be the most important thing in her life (she'll always either be using them or recovering from them)
~I will be trying to build a future legacy for my family, while she will be living "one day at a time"
~Since she was in active addiction when we met (like yours...) our relationship was built *solely* by a person she will no longer be.
~Things that we used to really enjoy together, concerts, wine by the fire, pub trivia... All these things could trigger a relapse in her.
~Too many more to list.
We would have to reconnect. It'd be like meeting someone entirely new. And all other things being equal, it would be *totally* nice to build something with someone that I could truly trust, and not have to fear every day that one wrong step could pull her back into active addiction.
I won't lie to you. I'm still very early in on my own recovery. There's part of me that wants her to come back. There's part of me that longs to hold her again and kiss her beautiful face... where she'd make me 'feel' safe and happy. But 'feeling' and 'being' are two very different things.
So educate yourself. Please.
Last thing... I'm going to point you somewhere that I have been coming back to. It used to be daily... Now, well... not so much. Still, I have a screenshot of it in my phone and I can look at it whenever I want. Check out the sticky at the top of this forum called "What addicts do". It will probably make you cry. I'm sorry.
But you should read it anyway.
Hugs and love...
Like a lot of people here, when I first arrived to SR they gave me a lot of advice on my RAx(?)GF. At the time? I couldn't handle *any* of it. They all told me to "ditch her". And like you, I will ride a sinking ship until it is long lost at the bottom of the sea. I did it with my first ex wife. I did it with my second ex wife... And if it were not for SR and the warnings I received from these people, the people who at the time's advice I had abhorred and actively ignored, I would be doing it with my addict right now.
My advice is that if you aren't liking what you're hearing, do your homework. If you're majoring in social work, you'll be able to apply it to your career, too. Since joining up here in May, I think, I've just been reading and doing a lot of homework. In the process, I've found that I have many Co-Dependent tendencies, and I'm currently working a program where I can find ways to make me happy, Independent of anyone else. Through private support groups on FB (naranon, Codependent, Heroin Addicts, etc...) I'm realizing a couple of things. *If* my addict were to stay sober:
~Drugs would still be the most important thing in her life (she'll always either be using them or recovering from them)
~I will be trying to build a future legacy for my family, while she will be living "one day at a time"
~Since she was in active addiction when we met (like yours...) our relationship was built *solely* by a person she will no longer be.
~Things that we used to really enjoy together, concerts, wine by the fire, pub trivia... All these things could trigger a relapse in her.
~Too many more to list.
We would have to reconnect. It'd be like meeting someone entirely new. And all other things being equal, it would be *totally* nice to build something with someone that I could truly trust, and not have to fear every day that one wrong step could pull her back into active addiction.
I won't lie to you. I'm still very early in on my own recovery. There's part of me that wants her to come back. There's part of me that longs to hold her again and kiss her beautiful face... where she'd make me 'feel' safe and happy. But 'feeling' and 'being' are two very different things.
So educate yourself. Please.
Last thing... I'm going to point you somewhere that I have been coming back to. It used to be daily... Now, well... not so much. Still, I have a screenshot of it in my phone and I can look at it whenever I want. Check out the sticky at the top of this forum called "What addicts do". It will probably make you cry. I'm sorry.
But you should read it anyway.
Hugs and love...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
I think everyone on this forum has been in love (some sort of love) friendship, husbands, sisters, brothers, children. As for being a married in love with an addict...
You can read my stories.. what I go through. You can see, just for me... what I have been through. I can answer personal questions on what I still go through. Mentally.
You can learn life lessons from people you have never met. My husband is wonderful. Yet, he has an addiction problem. So at anytime, MR. wonderful will have to be thrown out of the house for my financial protection. Fun??
You can read my stories.. what I go through. You can see, just for me... what I have been through. I can answer personal questions on what I still go through. Mentally.
You can learn life lessons from people you have never met. My husband is wonderful. Yet, he has an addiction problem. So at anytime, MR. wonderful will have to be thrown out of the house for my financial protection. Fun??
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
We come upon the central difficult theme of SR. How to be the bearer of bad
tidings----in as gentle, helpful, and respectful a way as is possible under
truly ghastly circumstances.
The sensitivity that is called for is enormous. I remember a protocol I received
instruction on long ago. It involved first contact with a loved one after their
(spouse, usually) had been killed in a work accident..
The instruction stressed being truthful as gently as possible. It related behaviors
to avoid, especially euphemisms that could be interpreted. Phrases to avoid included
"fatally injured" (the loved one will fixate on the word 'injured'...and ignore 'fatally').
The very difficult journey of SR (totally voluntary!) is to be as truthful as possible
whilst avoiding cruelty at all costs. These persons have lost their loved ones, for all intents
and purposes.
We are people, albeit anonymous. We are not computer generated auto-responses.
We care. Why? Because we have been hurt in the same manner. I've often thought the
worst responsibilities in life fall to the first responders who have to tell someone all of
his /her family were killed/grievously injured in an accident.
"No, it cannot be. I just saw then a half an hour ago.
They were going to a birthday party......."
Yes. They were. But not any more.
Can you imagine that burden? I can. We do it every day here.
Let's continue to do it as carefully and skillfully and compassionately as
we always have.
tidings----in as gentle, helpful, and respectful a way as is possible under
truly ghastly circumstances.
The sensitivity that is called for is enormous. I remember a protocol I received
instruction on long ago. It involved first contact with a loved one after their
(spouse, usually) had been killed in a work accident..
The instruction stressed being truthful as gently as possible. It related behaviors
to avoid, especially euphemisms that could be interpreted. Phrases to avoid included
"fatally injured" (the loved one will fixate on the word 'injured'...and ignore 'fatally').
The very difficult journey of SR (totally voluntary!) is to be as truthful as possible
whilst avoiding cruelty at all costs. These persons have lost their loved ones, for all intents
and purposes.
We are people, albeit anonymous. We are not computer generated auto-responses.
We care. Why? Because we have been hurt in the same manner. I've often thought the
worst responsibilities in life fall to the first responders who have to tell someone all of
his /her family were killed/grievously injured in an accident.
"No, it cannot be. I just saw then a half an hour ago.
They were going to a birthday party......."
Yes. They were. But not any more.
Can you imagine that burden? I can. We do it every day here.
Let's continue to do it as carefully and skillfully and compassionately as
we always have.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
LLG I am sorry for what has brought you here. You have received very realistic, honest and hard to face responses. If I could have a nickel for every person who first comes in and decides to "ride it out" then comes back even worse than the first time I would be rich! When people reach out to help, they do it because as Vale says, we all care, very much in fact. We have all loved an addict and we have all been changed forever by its impact on our lives. The good news is you do not have to go through what we have.
Your BF is still very new in trying to stay sober. I am not sure if you saw these words in other posts but he needs to FOCUS ON HIMSELF. Have you given thought to taking a break for his sake? Maybe if you take a break not only will it give you time but him as well to fully focus on what he needs to do to stay sober. Is this something that scares you?
You have read from many what they have and still go through on a daily basis. Yes, I think at your age and with little experience with an addict you might be naive but that is good. Do you really want to be an expert in being with a drug addict?
Your are just starting out yourself, being very responsible and should be so proud of yourself.
On a side note, I am glad to hear he is doing well but please know almost all who come out of rehab relapse. Be careful and please take good care of you. Everyone here who is in a relationship loves their addict and wants what it best and hates the thought of leaving but you have to do what is best for you and your future. Some marry, have children and feel they cannot leave. You, however, have a choice. Please be careful my dear and please do not get too involved or feel leaving is wrong for him. I know it feels mean but doing what is best for you (and probably him as well) is not being mean.
I strongly urge you to read Codependent NO More by Melanie Beattie. You sound like a very caring young lady. Tread carefully and be very cautious. Remember addicts lie and they do it well. I pray he stays sober and I pray you do what is best only for yourself.
Your BF is still very new in trying to stay sober. I am not sure if you saw these words in other posts but he needs to FOCUS ON HIMSELF. Have you given thought to taking a break for his sake? Maybe if you take a break not only will it give you time but him as well to fully focus on what he needs to do to stay sober. Is this something that scares you?
You have read from many what they have and still go through on a daily basis. Yes, I think at your age and with little experience with an addict you might be naive but that is good. Do you really want to be an expert in being with a drug addict?
Your are just starting out yourself, being very responsible and should be so proud of yourself.
On a side note, I am glad to hear he is doing well but please know almost all who come out of rehab relapse. Be careful and please take good care of you. Everyone here who is in a relationship loves their addict and wants what it best and hates the thought of leaving but you have to do what is best for you and your future. Some marry, have children and feel they cannot leave. You, however, have a choice. Please be careful my dear and please do not get too involved or feel leaving is wrong for him. I know it feels mean but doing what is best for you (and probably him as well) is not being mean.
I strongly urge you to read Codependent NO More by Melanie Beattie. You sound like a very caring young lady. Tread carefully and be very cautious. Remember addicts lie and they do it well. I pray he stays sober and I pray you do what is best only for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Sober July wrote … Yikes heroin. For me it was OMG … jump to horror show in my head, death ruling. The worst part is while the reaction in the moment wasn’t called for, it didn’t take long to find that it wasn’t all that far from the truth of what heroin was either.
Heroin takes, it is that simple and it has no need to explain. Why would it, it is so self explanatory, the epitome of heaven and hell…an if by chance, and the risk is acceptable, that heaven and hell collide at the exact moment, then what remains will only be in memories.
Lost …
Imagine an existence where you have to mourn the one you love while they are still alive. Accept that the choice they make any time to use could be and is sadly in many cases is the last choice they will ever be able to make.
That’s heroin.
I haven’t met anyone yet who could compete with it, using or not. It doesn’t even discriminate or care that you don’t use it. It will take you down just the same, although those who watch tend to go down willingly. Ugh, I sure did.
You will only be as trapped as you allow. Anyone can have a limitation in their thinking. They put themselves into this box, one that is designed and encompasses a lifetime of experiences to date. But the box isn’t truly locked and you will always carry the key within to get out of it.
Heroin takes, it is that simple and it has no need to explain. Why would it, it is so self explanatory, the epitome of heaven and hell…an if by chance, and the risk is acceptable, that heaven and hell collide at the exact moment, then what remains will only be in memories.
Lost …
Imagine an existence where you have to mourn the one you love while they are still alive. Accept that the choice they make any time to use could be and is sadly in many cases is the last choice they will ever be able to make.
That’s heroin.
I haven’t met anyone yet who could compete with it, using or not. It doesn’t even discriminate or care that you don’t use it. It will take you down just the same, although those who watch tend to go down willingly. Ugh, I sure did.
You will only be as trapped as you allow. Anyone can have a limitation in their thinking. They put themselves into this box, one that is designed and encompasses a lifetime of experiences to date. But the box isn’t truly locked and you will always carry the key within to get out of it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
LLG, please try Alanon meetings. Alanon is meant for family and friends of alcoholics but I find it very helpful for family and friends of addicts (though in some groups mentioning heroin might not be acceptable).
From wanting to work in social services, always putting others before yourself, always seeing the good in people (is that the same as accepting things most people would not?) and dating addicts...I think you need to work on yourself. I am not saying that social work is wrong for you, only that that urge to help and fix others is something we see in Alanon.
I think all the men i ever was interested in were either alcoholics or addict (using or
dry or sober). My ex is using heroin, he has relapsed 4 years ago and is still going, meanwhile I am a single mom to our 4 year old. We were together 10 years! And he was clean 10 years (2 years prior and the first 8 years of our relationship). It doesn't matter now. He is an addict and has relapsed. His #1 priority is getting and using heroin.
From wanting to work in social services, always putting others before yourself, always seeing the good in people (is that the same as accepting things most people would not?) and dating addicts...I think you need to work on yourself. I am not saying that social work is wrong for you, only that that urge to help and fix others is something we see in Alanon.
I think all the men i ever was interested in were either alcoholics or addict (using or
dry or sober). My ex is using heroin, he has relapsed 4 years ago and is still going, meanwhile I am a single mom to our 4 year old. We were together 10 years! And he was clean 10 years (2 years prior and the first 8 years of our relationship). It doesn't matter now. He is an addict and has relapsed. His #1 priority is getting and using heroin.
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