Pia

AH came by yesterday to finish painting he started weeks ago. He then wouldn't leave and hung around the house. I don't really argue about it because it's really wasted energy on my part and he is here a few hours and gone for several weeks before his need to reappear occurs. Not until I can afford to move on my own will I be able to stop this behavior so I do the best I can.

I've learned in my situation. . not talking to him but not being rude either works for me. (We are still legally married b/c he refuses to sign the paper)

Anyways as the midnight mark came around I was getting tired and went to bed. I closed and locked the bedroom room and that was it.

I get up this morning to text him to see if he fed my dog and saw a bunch of text messages to me as if they were for someone else.

I feel the need to call him out but at the same time
what is rule #1) Addicts lie so there is no need to. Anything that is hurtful/disappointing is something he will always do over and over again.

I guess I needed to vent because my center of peace was jolted this AM. I know my day of complete peace will be here and it is coming soon. I just need to keep working on me.

Thanks for listening.

hopeful4

I so understand this! I bite my tongue all the time even now that we don't live together. I do it b/c just what you said, my talking to an addict about his behavior would just be me quacking and a complete waste of my time. It would only hurt myself in the long run, so why bother.

I hope you get the peace you deserve very soon.

Hugs.

Pia

Thank you Hopeful. 7 months ago I would of laughed if someone told me I would be able to handle things differently, but now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it doesn't come for another year I know it will come.

I guess maybe he was either desperate and wanted a reaction out of me or he really did send the text to the wrong person but he sent like 5 text messages.

Either way I need to keep my eye on the prize right!!

hopeful4

Yes, eye on the prize!

I can only say that my XAH learned that I don't engage and he tries a lot less. Once in a while it rears it's ugly head, but for the most part we get along a lot better now b/c he knows I simply will not engage in his BS. I just literally hang up the phone.

You can do this! There will be peace for you!

Pia

Thank you. I needed this.

dandylion

Radiant....when he does make himself an unwanted guest.....try doing stuff like this....
Calking the bathtub or cleaning the tiles with a toothbrush; coloring your hair;reorganizing your closets; calling every relative or friend that you can think of for loooong conversations; do errands---dry cleaner, grocery store, gas station..
In other words...stay so preoccupied that he can't get any quality companionship out of you.
Disappear into the wallpaper.

dandylion

Pia

Thank you Dandylion-

I usually just leave or if he is here he tries to talk and I give him a yes or no answer only, not in anger anymore. I use to give him the "it would be nice to watch your 4x4 run you over response" but now its more like "you don't get to me anymore and I don't feel the need to make you suffer response."

But again it's not like he is here everyday it's every few weeks he pops in. I just keep paying the life insurance policy until that day comes. j/k not really just j/k

dandylion

Good for you, Radiant......that is the way to do it!!

dandylion

FireSprite

((((HUGS)))) It sounds like you are doing everything you can to stay sane when Crazy comes to town, lol. I know some days are just harder than others but you've really come a long way Radiant!!!!

jmartin

Thanks for your post. I made my AW move out about a month ago, but she is finding more and more reasons to drop by - it is becoming a habit. I know what you mean by that feeling in the pit of your stomach. Somehow she thinks she is making things better, but refuses to believe that the anxiety she causes me by being around is making things worse.

Pia

jmartin- I am sorry to hear but I understand at the same time. What are you doing to focus on your recovery? Working the program meaning Alanon, books, steps, therapist etc...

I can honestly say there are times something happens and my mind automatically go to my steps and books and I cope much better. I will think of a saying someone has posted on SR or experiences and just the love and support here has helped me to get through. But you have to work and apply on you everyday..

After awhile things start to fall into place little by little like a puzzle. Progress not perfection right!!
Sending you hugs