killerinstinct

Looking back is anyone else here mortified by the reality of what their situation was/is? Now that I have worked so hard on myself, refrained from dating, reflected, healed as much as possible.. I have enough clarity to look back and I shiver at the thought of what was. It's a huge shock to my system to see how bad things were, how much he put me down, abused me, lied, cheated, how much he got away with and I had no idea at the time, how messed up I was, how broken and damaged I was, how no one on his side gave a crap about me, how I fought so hard for him and he fought so hard to get away from me. What a bloody mess.. All I wanted was to be loved. I thought I was special, I thought he loved me, I thought I was unique in his eyes, I thought I was his treasure to be cherished. Now I see I was just like every other girl, I was nothing to him... I feel so used, so pathetic, I feel like such a loser... I was great gossip for his mates and nothing more.. I thought it was just the two of us.. I thought he felt the same, I thought his friends thought the same.. But they didn't I was just another desperate woman wanting to be loved and just another woman he was using as I found out. I feel so humiliated and embarrassed. I feel so stupid, so used and so conned. So much shame in my head.

Looking back I can see I was the laughing stock in town..

queenapple

I've turned most of my anger inward, at myself. So many other people hurt and lives damaged. I should have left years ago. I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for my part in the mess we've left behind.

Raider

That's very sad to hear. Prayers your way.

Stung

That's quite a negative sentiment. I have never lived in a small town where everyone knows each other but I'd hope that if everyone besides you knew that your husband was being an abusive, cheating alcoholic that they would actually have empathy or sympathy for you. Not cruelty.

Cut yourself some slack. Self awareness and revelation is an eye opening experience. Good for you for turning your life around and realizing that you deserve much better. Sending you hugs!

Live

definitely but I am not mad at myself, I was just naive and had never been exposed to the insanity that became my life. I was a victim of very deliberate and gradual and escalating abuse and craziness. I was trying to cope and to love.
Now it is so surreal, I can't understand or believe that I did not book it out of there early on.

theuncertainty

I went through the same feelings - blaming myself for being blind, naive, stupid; mortified that his friends knew about his cheating and that they thought I was stupid. It took a while to work through those feelings too. And to get past the negative self-talk and forgive myself.

The easiest part for me during that time, was to get over being worried about what his friends thought, because I got to a point where I realized there was a reason they were hanging out together and I didn't much care for any of them or how they how they thought or how they treated their 'friends'. Like CatsPajamas' quote: What other people think of me is none of my business.

The other part of that was to stop beating myself up about staying with him for so long and for putting up with the abuse, and that was so much harder. The first step was to realize when I was telling myself that cr-p and to stop. And then finally to forgive myself.

I can't quite say how I reached the forgiving myself part. Sometimes, I'm not sure that I have. But what I do know is that I started the relationship trusting that AXH would treat me with respect and love. He started the relationship showing me that he did. I wanted to believe he loved me, I wanted to believe that he would put as much effort and care into our relationship as I did. I became entangled in his manipulations. So there is some fault that I take, but not all of it. I was not the one that abused the trust and love and turned it back to hurt my partner.

Please be gentle with yourselves. You're not pathetic, you're not a loser. Try to find yourself a place where you can stand and not give a rats -ss about the opinions of his friends whose thinking is just as messed up and twisted as his is. You're an amazing soul who deserves to be loved and treated with respect.

(((((hugs)))))

dandylion

Killerinstinct....the shame is on him(them); nOT YOU!

You loved someone...even if it wasn't wisely, in retrospect. THEY used and abused---for that they should feel guilt and shame.

Do not punish yourself for what THEY did. Love yourself...and this bitterness will leave your heart so that you feel free....

dandylion

Jenibean87

My mom always says to me, Bean--get MAD at him. I spent so much time crying, upset, stressed out about abuse/gas lighting/blaming/cheating that I would cry and feel pathetic and depressed. But what that did was give him the power. It was another way I was letting him control me, even from afar.

When my mom told me to get mad, she was telling me to stop allowing myself to be a victim of his behavior. She wanted me to value myself enough to stop crying and feel angry that someone had the gumption to treat me as horribly as he had. She wanted me to say, Screw you for thinking I don't deserve love, respect, and kindness.

It took some time to work up the anger, and some time for me to be comfortable even being mad. But, finally saying, You know what? That was Unacceptable you A--hole! Felt so so so good.

So I'm gonna say it to you: GET MAD! How dare he make you feel like a laughing stock? How dare he cheat on you! What an a--hole! You're better than that, and you will find someone who would never dream of treating you that way.

honeypig

KI, there's a saying in Alanon--"when we know better, we do better." Please let that thought into your mind. If you had known when you first met him what you know now, you would have acted very differently, I bet. But you didn't know. You had all the best intentions and meant well. You wanted to share life w/him and give and receive love and caring. How could that possibly be shameful?

I was in a similar place at one point and posted a thread along the lines of this one myself. A member called EnglishGarden was one of those who replied, and I found her post so helpful. I hope you do too: Alcoholics and drug addicts are always ten steps ahead of us. You did not "willfully ignore" the red flags....try to be easier on yourself......you were brilliantly conned, plain and simple.If you were yourself a brilliant con artist, perhaps you would have caught the scam earlier. That kind of game would have been a part of your reality. But you are not a con artist. You are just you, straightforward and truthful, and you were no match for what he was about.

You can look back now and see the warning signs. But still, he was ten steps ahead of you.

He is a severe alcoholic and terrified of life without alcohol. People who think this way rarely choose marriage over the drink. Most will let the spouse go.

So it's best to continue what you are doing, preparing for independent living and a new life. The 18 years were a part of the script, they were some chapters leading up what's happening now, and now this is where you are today: Act 2. The story continues.

I have a very bad habit of criticizing myself for all the wrong turns and the stupid naive clueless human being I have been many times in my life. This thinking is a destroyer of life. That I know. And I try to turn it around. And to see how all the threads connected, and how every event--painful and humiliating events--took me some place and among some people I needed to encounter for a higher purpose. If I don't consciously try to turn my thinking around, then I become more destructive to myself than any alcoholic ever was.

So I just hope you will not hang yourself on your own thinking. It won't get you anywhere good.

You know what you know. It is what it is. Time to make big changes. I'm sure you can find your way out of this wilderness.

meggem

I just used the word collateral damage to my soon to be ex supposed RA. Yes. I have felt that way, but I know I deserve better. and I did what I could with what I knew at the time.

I went along for the ride, defended him explained for him, helped him, counseled him. I remember finding out from his ex that he was the same way with her. That is when I really felt like a fool (that was 10 months ago) I was nothing special (in the situation) - I wasn't unique (in the situation) I wasn't the chosen one (in the situation) But I know I am special, unique, and chosen for MYSELF. If that makes sense.

But yes, I know what it feels like to realize you were collateral damage.

But YOU are still wonderful in all of your wonderful ways.

HisAngel

Killerinstinct...Wow!!! I could have written every single word you did up there...reading your words was like describing how it felt for me!!! Exactly what my experience was like!!! I too found the courage to forgive myself for being naïve and through detachment, gave myself the strength I needed to remove myself from the chaos and emotional abuse of his alcoholic life. I can honestly say...to this very day...I have NEVER met a man so extremely selfish as this man was. Because of my experiences with my EABF, I have come to believe alcoholics seek out self-less people because alcoholics are selfish people of poor character who are devoid of empathy. It may sound harsh to some, but the way I was treated was harsh! Since leaving my EXABF...I find myself praying for those who love alcoholics and those who are in codependent relationships with them...and no longer pray for alcoholics. Thank God I no longer romanticize or fantasize about my relationship with my EXABF...so many wasted years waiting for him to get healthy when all I had to do was remove myself from his chaos to get myself healthy! We all live and learn...harsh lessons...but we do eventually learn from them. Forgive yourselves...and you will find the peace and happiness you deserve! I did...and I have. Much love to you all.