myfreedom

Haven't posted for awhile but read daily. Just to update, my AH of 13 yrs has been an alcoholic since his teens, used all kinds of drugs, has 2 DUI's, has wrecked atleast 7 vehicles and has been abusive. He always tries to say that he is going to change and never does up until recently. He doesn't get his anger spells, just the normal moodiness that is just him. He drinks yet, maybe twice a week that I know of. If more, it is only 1 or two that I can't tell. Maybe once a month or so, he has alittle too much, but never gets mean or stupid. He still has his way about things and attitude, but he seems to have his drinking under control????? Is that possible? It has been this way for about seven months. He is trying to convince me that we now can be happy and have the life we always wanted because he is changed, blah, blah, blah. Thing is, I don't want to, I have lost that connection with him, and if I get it back, it doesn't last long. He just does not understand how I can give up so easily????? That I am supposed to forget the past and focus on us and the future. It is very frustrating trying to get him to understand because he always says I am too negative. Am I being unreasonable? We also have 2 children who do not want us to be a family again.

biminiblue

Kinda sounds like you already took a family vote.

In my opinion, kids see what's happening and understand maybe even better - they are much closer to real emotion and truth.

I knew when it was over. You will too.

hopeful4

My XAH is a binge drinker. He will drink heavily for a while then barely for a bit. But he mixes with Rx Xanax so that won't work at all. Someone posted on here a while ago about alcoholism and binge drinking can go in cycles.

For myself, I could not live with the rest of my life of "what if's." I want NO drinking at all, the chances are just too great. And you need to put your children and their concerns first in my opinion. I had lost that lovin feeling and it would not be back even if he decided to go stone sober.

Good luck, we are here no matter what you decide.

myfreedom

He actually was on 3mg tablets of Xanax, recently ran out. Think it is that I have never seen him behave this way for this long.

hopeful4

Nope, it normally does not last long. And even one beer mixed with 3mg Xanax can turn a normal man into a madman with no notice. Be careful with that. Take it from me, I have first hand experience with that.

myfreedom

I don't want to take those chances either anymore but he seems to think that you need to take chances in life and he can't predict the future anymore than I can.

hopeful4

Correct, he is not dependable and has shown he is unreliable. I don't need to take chances in my life. I did that over and over and it got me to the point of a near nervous breakdown. I hated who I had become, just waiting all the time for the other shoe to drop, which is always did eventually. That life is not for me or my kids.

biminiblue

What he thinks is irrelevant. There are always arguments both ways, no matter what the issue.

What do YOU want?

Your feelings are valid and important. You only get one life, and no one gets to tell you how to live it.

Tansy

You said it all in that one sentence Thing is, I don't want to, I have lost that connection with him, and if I get it back, it doesn't last long. that sums it up to me and is your true feelings. My Xah has cut down, tried to change, said he'd change, not changed, changed for a day, got worse, cut back, binge drank..the cycle goes on. I have lost my connection with him. If he sobered up tomorrow and never drank again I'd be pleased for him but I can't love him any more cos it's not there. When it's gone you can't get it back...it's just gone and it's not your fault.

dandylion

myfreedom.......13yrs. of living with an active alcoholic doesn't sound very easy to me!!!!
Sounds more like a prison sentence!

You don't need his agreement for anything that you think or feel. What made you think that you do?

dandylion

SparkleKitty

You don't owe him anything. If you're done, it's okay to be done. Your one wild, precious life should not be spent doing what other people want you to do. That being said, listen to what your children have been telling you for months and months. They don't have the choices you have over who is in their lives; they depend on you for that.

But to respond to your question, go on over to the alcoholics' forum and you should be able to find several threads documenting people's efforts at moderation. Alcoholics cannot moderate. All control is an illusion, and a fleeting one at that.

myfreedom

I don't know why I feel that way, maybe because he always makes my decisions seem like thr wrong ones and his are the way life should be.

ladyscribbler

Dealing with a binge drinker can be very confusing. They'll be blacking out daily for a period, then there's that stretch where they seem to be controlling it. Drinking a bit, but nowhere near binge level. Then another binge. I think what you are seeing is the in between time. My experience with my ex was that the time between binges grew shorter and finally disappeared altogether as he progressed in his disease.
Your kids are scared of him. They don't want to live in the same house. They are seeing this clearly. The seeming moderation between binges is not sobriety. His drinking will escalate and so will his rages. He is not changed. He has rearranged himself so that his more undesirable traits are under they surface right now in the hopes that you will forget everything that has happened so he can have his cushy, comfy, denial-filled life back.
Please don't fall for this. It's manipulation, pure and simple. He is never going to "understand" your reasons because he creates his own reality on a daily basis.

hopeful4

That is called manipulation. They get really good at it.

fluffyflea

No point trying to get him to understand,he won,t.

You can only do what is good for you.

myfreedom

And that is what aggravates me the most. He just doesn't get it. A few beers here and there shouldn't be a problem for me. He has it under control, he isn't the same person he was, that he puts up with stuff i do and is still there for me. He can't seem to figure out why I am not happy anymore when he is giving me what I have been asking for. He also thinks that we should do 50/50 with the kids. I am not going for that, and the kids don't want that either. But he questions them, asking if they would want to do that. They do not want to hurt his feelings so they say yes and then he thinks I am trying to keep them from him when I disagree. I am just so angry and frustrated today.

PurpleKnight

From personal experience alcoholism is progressive, cutting back to a few drinks rarely lasts for long, especially if he's had a drinking problem for 13yrs, suggesting an abstinence of a few months would probably be reacted to negatively, and then you know someone has a real problem and dependency with alcohol.

An alcoholic telling you he's changed when he is still drinking is not a great basis to make decisions on, make the decisions YOU want to make in life moving forward.

theuncertainty

MyFreedom, it doesn't really matter what he's doing *now* when he didn't hold up his side of the relationship for however-many-years before now. That damage is done and it doesn't get undone in a matter of days/weeks/months. It takes years, even when both parties are absolutely committed to working on the relationship, and the issues that damaged it, on a continual basis.

So, you're not giving up on it 'so easily' - you've likely been trying to work it out for years while he just recently decided to change. And just because he doesn't want to end it, doesn't mean you're stuck.

Depending on their ages and where you live, if you do pursue a divorce, there might be options for their wishes to be heard and to hold weight in the custody process. However, that would probably also require them to stand up in court and say what their wishes are and why.

isitme

THIS!! Is exactly the same thing I'm going through. I was talking to my mom about it this morning.. and actually used the Hardware Store bit to explain it.

I keep trying and trying to explain to him why I'm hurt, why things aren't getting better, that they are not just going to change and/or get better overnight. That real progress needs to be made, not just saying things and taking me to dinner. Little to late for that. I'm waiting for some validation that he understands or is capable of understanding.. but that.. is just trying to buy bread in the hardware store isn't it?

myfreedom

When I had gotten the one PFA, the Domestic Violence Clinic said that if he ever wants to take me to court that they will represent me and since he has had 2 DUI'S, still drinks, has anger issues that are documented by a pysch hospital even though that has been quite a few yrs ago, he still would only get limited visitation, possibly supervised. Since that he has also gotten a public drunkeness in December. So I really don't think he would try to go to court. But I would be ready if he does. Right now I am trying to get up the nerve to go to Domestics for support. He gives me alittle if I need it but no more than $300 if that a month.