Karrets

Oh where do I start. AH is a hero in addict. Been together for 3 years he was 2 years clean when we met... well was on methadone. He has been in rehab 3 times and lasts about 3 weeks. Last rehab was a month ago and he dissapered for 6 days. He eventually texted me and stupidly I picked him up. He went back on suboxone and still using he is on 12mg. He asked me for money this morning I said no. He said he was gonna pawn his wedding ring and broke down on the floor. At this point I went to work as a psychological therapist after dropping my 8 year old daughter at school. I'm in the process of selling our house which should complete in 10 days. I'm also about to have a hysterectomy he gives me no support let's me down. Steals takes my car and leaves me stranded.........I want to tell him to leave but he had no family or friends. Today he hasn't even taken his medication. He's in bed now and it's 3pm. What the heck is wrong with me.... Why can't I just chuck him out. It's like I can't motivate if he's not with me. I'm not as attached as I was I go to Alan on meetings. I just wish something would switch in my head

zoso77

Because "chucking him out" isn't a naturally easy thing to do. It's not supposed to be easy. When you marry someone, those vows carry a lot of weight.

But here's the thing; your AH's has functionally checked out of the marriage and is only focusing on his needs and wants. The marriage, your life together, your commitments to each other, do not mean a thing to him at this moment. He has chosen to feed his addiction.

And because of this, it is well within your rights to chuck his arse out, should you want to make that choice. We can't make that choice for you. But given how these things typically evolve, and given your current mental state, I'd show him the door.

Karrets

What if he won't go or clears the house out while he's looking for somewhere? I also have taken the new house in my name only so he won't be on the mortgage. I'm scared he may stop me selling. Do I just sit and wait till I'm secure. I don't know how I stand legally

scheherazade

I'm so sorry for how you're feeling. I can't say I have as much experience - only an ex-BF, and only for a few months. I do recognize a lot of what you're feeling, though.

In response to letting him stay because he has no friends or family, I'll say this. They don't have no friends and family because everyone cruelly abandoned them. Mostly, they have no friends and family because although they might be great people sober, they are cruel, unreliable and untrustworthy when they are using, and they hurt and push anyone who loves them away. The fact that either of our partners somehow let us forget that just shows another well-known point about addicts, which is that they are excellent manipulators.

This is not to say that he's not a good guy underneath, or that the person underneath wants to manipulate or us you. But the important thing to realize is - and it's HARD - he's not the good person you met when he was clean. He's in the grips of active addiction, and while he's there and not actively grabbing recovery with whatever strength he has left, he will be a monster, and incapable of caring about you.

It took a few wake-up call moments for me to throw out my ex, all of which I look back on now and think, "I can't believe I let someone treat me like that." We've been broken up now for a couple of weeks, and every day feels so much better, and I'm so happy he's no longer in my life.

I hope things get clearer for you soon, and you reach the point where you can recognize you deserve so much better than this. In the meantime, sending you hugs. Keep posting. There are good people here.

Karrets

Thanks. I know I deserve better. so why does alanon preach compassion at every meeting and they are sick.

scheherazade

I think they preach it so that you can let go, eventually, with some peace, which is better for you as well. You can have compassion for the addict and their struggle (despite the respite of the highs, it can be hellish for them) without sacrificing your life to it.

The disease aspect I think, is to realize (and this was important for me) NOTHING we do can make a difference. You can't love cancer away, you can't love depression away, you can't love disease away. Addiction doesn't go away with just our support and care. Addicts need to be in long term treatment, constantly, and be seeking active care in keeping the disease at bay. That's on them. We can't do that.

That helped me in realizing that me staying wasn't giving him more of a chance to get better, and me putting up with his BS wasn't helping him get better. If anything, it was making using more comfortable because he had a loving girlfriend, so he could think things were not so bad, and he had someone to soothe his guilt and shame when he felt bad about all the terrible things he did for and because of drugs. All the while, I had no partner, was terribly unhappy, losing myself and my energy, ultimately to damage me and the person I cared about. It's a terrible, toxic situation to find yourself in. It takes strength to stay and strength to leave.

zoso77

This is simply my opinion.

Compassion for people is, inherently, a good thing. But compassion for the addict isn't about the addict. It's about us, the non-addict. When we show compassion for the addict, that doesn't mean that everything the addict has done is OK. But it does recognize their humanity and they, like us, are born in the image of God. And it's better, for us, to acknowledge that instead of carrying around angry, vicious feelings towards the addict.

Re: your legal questions, I don't know. But I bet someone on the board does.

biminiblue

Compassion is better than rage.

Compassion is better for you.

Compassion for yourself is and should be your #1 priority.

Karrets

I feel so stuck I hate this feeling but I also hate the feeling of worrying about him when he is missing. I wish the police would lock him up cause he doesn't work and I don't give him any money. The selfish selfish ......

zoso77

There is nothing wrong about worrying about him.

But he's made his choices. You have to make yours.

Karrets

I feel like the decision to kick him out we be for his benefit not mine if that makes sense? I would be doing it in the hope he gets well and comes and finds me when he is serious about recovery. He says when we move to another area he will be better cause there are so many triggers and users where we live. I just don't want this to follow us there.

hopeful4

Ha....addiction always follows. I have never heard of one soul who moved away from it. I am sorry you are struggling. I suggest a consult with an attorney and a very close look at what this has to be doing to your daughter. Please put your child before him, a grown child at best.

You deserve better.

XXX

Karrets

I do put my child first. She adores him I left her dad for him and I worry what she will think of me if I end another relationship. When he lived away from this town was when he was clean and we met. He moved back then 3 months later was back on the gear. is it possible that he had got worse because of the rehab attempts? He was sexually abused at 10 by a man and his mum abandoned him at 11. I think it's that that keeps me attached to him.

zoso77

Karrets --

This is a crock of sh*t from someone that does not and will not accept responsibility for his actions. Pardon me for being blunt, but this is high grade bullsh*t he's propagating. He will use any excuse for using because he does not want to own up to his choices and his decisions. And he's not unique; this is what someone in the throes of addiction does.

The only way he will ever be what you want him to be is if he decides he's done using, follows it up with a course of treatment, and then commits to a long, arduous recovery. And he's isn't in that place now.

Do what is best for you, not him.

Karrets

Cheers zoso.... His key worker tells me it will help if we move lol....

anond

That's what they call the "geographical cure". It didn't work for my ex-AH.

Karrets

Does it ever work?

hopeful4

Kerrets, I am not saying you don't put your child first, but I do think you should worry about what staying in a toxic relationship is going to do to her in the long term.

My kids love their dad, but they don't want to live with him. They know that living with an addict cannot a happy home make.

I am sorry, and I did not mean any disrespect to you. I am so sorry you are in this place.

Tight tight hugs.

Karrets

Not everyone's situation is the same. He hides it well but yes she does see me upset which I need to own. I'm just frustrated I want a man I can't have as he no longer exist..... illusion and misery...

Rndz7

Naranon for you. You will be stronger, and less anxious.