snickerdoodle82

It feels strange writing that. She is in her mid thirties. We have not been on good terms for the past few years. She has been estranged from my father for the past 10 years, my mother, for the past year. She is married, and her husband requested I call him. I had sworn I wouldn't talk to her, that I was done with her, that there was so much **** that happened, swore that I was done done done with my sister, and I didn't care what happened with her. I was wrong, and I realized that despite years and drama and bad blood, those blood ties were strong, and I reached out as soon as I got the message.

He told me she was an alcoholic. Out of the blue for me and my mother. It was the last thing we expected. Luckily, she knows she has a problem. The first step, they say. My father is selfish and hateful and wants nothing to do with her, but my mom and I are there for her. She has her husband. She has us. She knows she has a problem.

I don't know what to do . I don't know where to start to help her. I don't know how to deal with an alcoholic, especially since I am so far away - 5 hours by plane. Please help with any tips/experiences.

MIRecovery

All other steps hinge on one question. Does she want to quit drinking?

snickerdoodle82

She says she does. Her husband seems convinced she is being genuine, but alcoholism is, i know, harder than hell to shake. So the answer is, "i don't know."

MIRecovery

For me I went to an MD for a base line physical
Medically supervised detox, Intensive out patient therapy, then AA 6 days a week. Today I attend AA 4 times a week.

The thing that will make the biggest difference is her desire to get sober

hopeful4

Hello. I am sorry to hear this for your family.

It will be up to her. If she truly wants it, she can recover regardless where or when. If not, sadly, she won't. It will be her actions, not her words.

I always say, be there to listen, to encourage, to cheer them on. Do not be there to be manipulated and enable. Huge difference.

Take good care of you.

XXX

snickerdoodle82

Just as an update - I am going to my first AlAnon meeting tomorrow. I need to know how to deal with this. My sister has had several incidents b/w my last post and now, and this week resulted in me barely eating, stress headaches, and lack of sleep. I've only known about her problem for a month, and I know there is a long, long road to recovery - if she even wants that - and I can't live my life like this. So I hope Al Anon helps.

She is not doing so well, and her marriage seems to be on its last legs. Sometimes, I worry - I know my mother especially does - about her husband leaving and that driving her to drinking even more, but then I read other posts and realize she maybe that is the rock bottom she needs. I have helped her as best as I could, even telling her where there are AA meetings for her, but any gentle reminders to check them out are met with a, "Yeah, of course, I'll go one of these days."

I can only pray in between now and her rock bottom that she does not hurt herself or someone else. This forum has been very therapeutic in a way. It's good, and bad, to know that you're not alone.

Patticakes

Snickerdoodle you have a good handle on this! I am so glad to hear it! It IS up to your sister whether she stops drinking or not....ALL up to her! No matter what you do or don't do, say or don't say..... it won't change what her decision is. Encourage, listen and work very hard at not letting yourself be manipulated. She really DOES have to hit her bottom or it will just be bouts of benders and dry out days...followed by more benders.
Taking care of you is your biggest responsibility! I am so glad you have attended Al-Anon meetings!! YAY for you!!!

Recovering2

It's interesting how you are the one now having physical symptoms. Appetite loss, loss of sleep, headaches. We can become ill too if we allow ourselves to get pulled in. That's why they say it's a contagious disease, those who love an A can become just as sick trying to help. I"m really happy you're going to an AlAnon meeting tomorrow. It's important to detach and let your sister make her choices, even the bad ones. She has that right as an adult. Take care of you.

Patticakes

So true Recovering! I lost a lot of weight over the 14 months I was living with my actively drinking AH. Even TRYING to do the rights things and take care of myself... it still took a very big toll on me. We can get wrapped up into the disease before we even know we have done it!

thotful

The best thing for my life seems to have been TAKING CARE OF ME. That is my most powerful weapon of all. My loved ones disease does not have to ruin my serenity/peace, especially when my worry doesn't actually help them. Full support, divorce, estrangement, good day, bad day - none of those have any control whatsoever on our loved one's disease. Note that the alcoholic can reach for a drink with ANY excuse - that's right, ANY excuse....ANY excuse (I'm feeling great - let's celebrate!, I'm feeling down, Let's party! I'm feeling pi**ed - f** them let's drink! I'm feeling angry and agitated or worried - let's drink cause that will calm my nerves!....Let's just drink) - and oh, by the way, I might blame everyone/everything else for my drinking (stress, agitation, mean people, etc). The only thing to blame is the DISEASE. That's it. Like a cancer in their spirit.

I would suggest more and more Al-Anon - learn about boundaries, detachment, you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. Read some more on SR as well. Funny thing is, I would argue that none of us actually have answers (ie - do this and everything will be OK). But what we do have is our own experience, strength, and hope. Hearing other people's stories about things they've done and the results could provide some ideas.

You can absolutely love someone dearly but take care of yourself at the same time and not let their disease drag you down (Detach with Love).

I attend meetings, read on SR, and meet with a counselor, because that's what's working for me. Take what you like and leave the rest for deciding what will work for you.

snickerdoodle82

I am looking forward to the meeting tomorrow. I was actually surprised that Al Anon had steps; I thought that was only for AA. I just need to meet ppl in the here and now who are going through this with their loved ones, too. The hardest things are the 'what ifs.' I try to think day to day, but it's hard. What if her husband leaves her and she drinks even more? What if she drives drunk and hurts someone? What if she loses her job? What if she's one of those ppl for whom rock bottom never comes? They haunt my thoughts and cause me excess worry. Then I think of my friend who has had DUIs and brushes, if you can call them that, with alcoholism and who has decided to take a better path. Day to day, one second at a time. It's hard when it's someone you love, though.

Before, I never understood when people said they wouldn't wish something on their worst enemy. I mean, if it's your worst enemy, what wouldn't you wish on them if it was bad? This. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy - addiction is leaps and bounds the hardest thing I've had to deal with, and I'm not even the one addicted.

NWGRITS

If she does any of those things: starts drinking more, drives drunk, loses her job... Well, she made those choices. You can't rescue her. You can't stop it. Just like you didn't cause it and you can't control it now. She's doing what we call quacking when you mention AA to her: just using words. There's no feeling or action behind it.

I know it's hard, but you have to get her burdens off of your shoulders. This is not your problem. You're so worried about something so far outside of anyone's control that you're becoming physically ill. Please get to Al-Anon, but be aware that it's not going to hand you the tools to fix your sister. It's going to open up the opportunity for you to fix yourself.

Rosalba

One of the things I've found really valuable about Alanon is to ignore the 'what if's' or, as we say in the program, 'Don't project'. Apparently 95% of the things we fear (generally, not just in relation to an alcoholic) never come to pass, ever. For myself, I know that if I worry about 'what if's' I can paralyse myself with fear to the point that I don't actually get round to doing things that really NEED to be done - and would have a beneficial effect on the future.

The 12 Steps I've found are as good a way of leading my life as any I've ever come across; not only in relation to the alcoholics in my life, past and present, but coping with life/difficult people/situations in general.

AS NWGRITS says, it's not going to hand you the tools to fix your sister (none of us can ever control or change another person, or the world would be a very different place!), but will help you to find serenity and happiness whether she is drinking or not.

Patticakes

Nicely said Rosalba and NWGRITS! You are both right on the money with what you said!

Snickerdoodle, I have had to battle with my "what ifs" too! I suppose that is one of my character defects. I spent SO MUCH time trying to prepare myself for what "MIGHT" happen that I worried myself into dropping a bunch of weight, not sleeping and in general just making myself miserable! And ALL the "what ifs" I planned for never happened. Every time I thought I had a handle on the future (HA!) it went a COMPLETELY different direction! I was being told pretty clearly for me to let go and let God.

Al-Anon has helped me stay focused on NOW, try to let go of what might or might not happen and embrace each and every moment as it comes. I don't waste nearly as much time being miserable or anxious and I am wide open to the good that each day can bring me. OH I still have my moments that I try to project and I have to rein myself back in....I am SO grateful for my Al-Anon family! I hope you find the same feelings of connections at your Al-Anon meeting! So happy you have decided to take that step for YOU!!