Tansy

ExAH is moving out in 2 weeks. Today he took some stuff to the relative he will be staying with. I realised he only took the stuff to see if I was going through with it as the relative is collecting him on the actual day he moves out so all his stuff could have gone at once. He asked me if I had anyone else before he left and I said no and then he asked why are we splitting up then? He seriously doesn't get it. He's not drinking, he stopped about 10 days ago ( still on sleeping pills tho) and he thinks that was enough to keep his place here! He doesn't get I don't love him anymore, that I loathe the sight of him and that his presence is making me physically and mentally ill and causing untold stress to his two sons. I can see his relative being fed up of him before the house is sold and him coming back here. He has money for a flat but isn't making any effort to find one. I can't stop him coming back here as he has a legal right to half the house until it's sold. Divorce wise he'll only go for a 2 year separation so I can't even start proceedings to make him realise its over. He's driving me insane.

Thumper

Have you spoke with an attorney? Laws are so different everywhere but where I live I was able to file a motion in court that gave me temporary use of the house and he had to leave. (on his own or with police escort) Who the house belonged to would be settled in the final divorce agreement (it was sold and split 50/50). I also petitioned for custody and child support - all of which could have been changed. This was all attached to the motion to file for divorce. I actually wasn't even going to file for divorce. I went to talk to an attorney because I wanted him out of the house for awhile and he refused to go and so I wanted to know what all my options were. That was the only way to make it happen.

I waffled on that (much to my later regret) but he did eventually go. The acceptance of the divorce came much much slower. I kept moving forward with the divorce and had to go to no contact except for the kids and selling the house. it was hard and it took a long time for him to leave me alone. We were sitting in his counselors office, where it was clear I was filing for divorce and would not change my mind - and he kept saying "My wife is really supportive, blah blah blah." Ugh. I just had to accept that he was not living in the same reality as I was and it didn't matter. I just had to keep moving forward in mine and let him be in his.

m1k3

Tansy, you know it's over and that's all that counts. Whether he understands or not really isn't any of your business. Move on and enjoy life, you're worth it.

Your friend,

Hawkeye13

Take legal steps to keep him out of the house until it is sold if that is possible.

I understand he is entitled to half the house, but if you are taking care of the kids
I would think you could get rights to the house for yourself and them until it is settled.

Have you been to an advocate / lawyer to discuss all your options?
See if you can change the locks since he is moving legally.
If he tries to come back or come in drunk, call the police and have him removed.
Then you can get a restraining order. Sounds strong I know, but with only 10 days
sober don't be surprised if he goes on a major bender and gets nasty when he realizes
he doesn't get to come back.

Go no contact if you haven't and tell him he must contact you by text or email.
Keep everything he sends you for legal issues later, and keep a journal if he starts acting
out which he may very well do as I said above. The ten days of sobriety may just be
a manipulation to get in your good graces again, and not authentic recovery at all.

Block his number so he cannot call you or at least send everything to voice mail.
All this will be helpful if things get nasty and you need to prove anything legally.
Hopefully, I'm overreacting and none of the above will happen, but I can speak
from my own experience that this crazy belief that he has done nothing wrong
and has stopped drinking so what's your problem can turn into ugly angry drunk person
very quickly when his purpose is not realized.

Be strong and move on and enjoy life without an addict, as M1k3 says, but be prepared.
You have the right to not be in a relationship with anyone you don't want to no matter what.

You are worth more, and deserve happiness.

Tansy

Thanks for your replies and support . Yes I've spoken to a solicitor. I live in the UK and we both own half our house as Tenants in Common. He has more rights over it then if we were joint owners. He gets a guaranteed 50% from the sale and I'm not allowed to change the locks or stop him living here if he decides he wants too. That's the law here. IF he gets nasty I might be able to get an Occupation Order stopping him living here while the house is being sold. The divorce is going to be on two years separation cos he get free legal advice ( I don't) and will fight unreasonable behaviour costing me a fortune in legal fees I don't have. Mike, I get it isn't up to me if he understands we are through or not but if he did get it it might help smooth the path for some reality.

I've organised a no contact rule. He can speak to his sons via their phones without involving me - ditto organising seeing them. He won't email as he refuses to use a computer and hasn't even got one or access to the internet where he is moving too either. He's got his relatives looking for a flat for him via a daily paper. All the flats are advertised on the internet but that's his problem! His relatives don't even have a land line phone. He's no idea how to text either. He's really inept over stuff like that. I'll let his calls go to voicemail - good idea. Ikwym about it turning ugly. I think it might too. I think when the realities of living on little money, no job and no booze money hit he'll try to come back, especially if the relatives get fed up of him.

I am moving on tho. I've made loads of new friends,, re-connected with old, joined a church, some groups and am planning where we ( me and my boys) are going to live when the house sells. I'm really excited about the future now. I had no hope or interest in it before.

Shining~Again

Were someone to look me straight in the eyes and say to me:
I don't love you.
I loathe the sight of you.
Your presence make me physically ill.
Your presence makes me mentally ill.
You (this relationship) is causing untold stress to the kids.
<repeat> I don't love you.

I'd be like "well, ain't no misreading that."

Am a big believer in being direct. If he thinks this is just due to booze,
is it because none of the above has been said to him?
If so, then I'm just gonna have to be amazed.

Cheers!

lillamy

Lethe, I basically sad as much to my ex. He listened to it, and then said:

"So -- who's the other guy?"

Tansy

I did say it and guess what? He said the same as lillamy's ex. He's convinced I have another man. Absolutely convinced of it. This is partly my fault for allowing another man to comfort me when he was being truly obnoxious one day and left me crying with him when he walked out the room. The "other" man was kind to me cos he could handle people having feelings. I'm not seeing the other man. Never will. He thinks I will once he's left. I'm not. I'm too broken inside to do another relationship justice even if he was interested which I'm certain he's not. I'm never that lucky lol. I'm going through the motions, looking after the house, walking my dog, shopping, seeing friends but inside I feel smashed to pieces. I think this smashed up feeling will ease once he's actually gone and I'm not putting up with his ongoing issues any more. At the moment I feel like I'm being punished and I don't know what I did wrong.