Trying to Let go...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 24
Trying to Let go...
Hello. I've never in my life, blogged or chatted in a chat room, a forum, or whatever. I've hit my "rock bottom", as they say. I'm just really not sure where to go, next, what to do, who to talk to, if there is anyone who understands what I'm going through. I've been on this site, several times, just for information purposes, never as a member. Please...Someone, Anyone, reD my story and tell me I'm not crazy! Tell me that I'll get through this and it shall pass. Tell me that there's still hope. I've lost all hope. Tell me where to find it.
I am a recovering addict of sorts, I suppose, although for some reason, I don't really consider myself one. That may be, yet, another issue for another time. Anyways, I am married to an addict, that I CAN say for sure! My life and possibly my children's lives, to some degree, is becoming unmanageable. I've recently realized that I am a codependent. A GREAT BIG ONE, actually. My husband is a veteran, I'm his caregiver, literally as well as figuratively. My Husband is also addicted and actively abusing his pain medication, methadone. If anyone cares to hear the history of our relationship, and how we got to where we are now, let me know, but for now, I'd like to focus on the present situation. I want to share how hurt and furious and confused, I am, RIGHT NOW.
My Husband is in an out patient, intensive program at the Veteran's Affairs, medical center. There is ABSOLUTELY, NOTHING intensive about this program. For the sake if time, I won't go into all the details on how the government is failing my husband, and I'm sure many other veterans, by not providing a rehabilitation service that even slightly resembles a PRIVATE, certified, FUNCTIONING, drug & alcohol rehabilitation center. It's a joke! But not a very funny one. My husband was court ordered to attend this program. It's free for veterans, had we enough money to send him to a real facility, I KNOW things would be much different, yet he was adamant, that he WAS NOT going in-patient and neither was he going any more than 50 miles away from home.
My husband continues to abuse his medication, only on a weekly cycle, now, instead of a monthly cycle. He says he's no longer spending money on pills. He used to spend thousands of dollars on pills, each month, leaving me to beg and sometimes steal food, to feed my children, the last week or two of the month, EVERY MONTH. We make too much money for assistance. I can't explain to social workers,"well, my husband pissed away all our money on pills, even though he's GIVEN 487 of them, a month, through his rx. Oh, but can you still give me food stamps?". It just doesn't work that way. The two dealers that he got his pills from, primarily, are either in jail, or awaiting a trial, due to my husband, if you know what I mean. He expects me to believe that there is NO ONE else in our area, that he could get pills from. He thinks I'm stupid, he has no respect for me or our marriage, or my kids, or our marriage. We are out of money, right now. Last week, he had $150.00, which I can't remember how he got. He gave it to me, to keep, because I'm the MORE RESPONSIBLE ONE, THE SOBER ONE! I put it in my wallet. I also had 80$$ on my child support card, that stays in my wallet. He has my child support card, numbers, memorized, front and back, pin number and all. It all disappears. I did go to the grocery, the Dr. The pharmacy, got gas, got cigarettes, but I didn't get candy, because when your high you want candy. I didn't get wings, two nights in a row, pizza, McDonalds...he ran out that tab like nobodies business, and all while the $$ was supposed to be safe, in my wallet.early on, this week, my ex-husband gave me$ 300.00. He works on a cruise ship and isn't home ALOT for our kids. He doesn't pay child support, but occasionally throws me some $$, especially if he's been gone, longer than usual. I put that money in my account, my husband gets his meds again, for the week, he starts asking me, "you don't wanna cook, do ya?" "Let's go out!". He drives to the VA, three times a week, two of those days, he has some time, between appointments, like an hour or two. He drives back home and then back, those two days, instead of staying there and not waisting the extra $20.00 in gas. He asks me for $$ for a fishing Liscense, he takes an extra $20.00 off my card without telling me, when I ask him to run to the store, only for cigarettes. He brings me receipts, leaving out the ATM ones. He brings home his daughter's little cousin, who's a very active little girl, promising that she won't be spending the night. I DID NOT want her to spend the night. I made it very clear. She spends the night, his dad and sister spend the night. His sister's other child spends the night, she has Asburger's, bless her little heart. He let's them stay up all night watching scary movies, like Mama and evil dead, the new one. He's high, all night, sleep walking, running into things, rearranging the cupboards, stuff like that. All this, while a 5& 6 year old watch horror flicks that MY OWN CHILDREN wouldn't want to watch, nor would I allow them to. It's his daughter, though, so he does what he wants.....
I could go on, with how he continued to lie, scheme, then try to make me feel like the crazy one, or the bad guy, the one who's making a mountain out of a mole hill. I won't, though. I'm sure someone out there has experienced what I'm experiencing, has gone through the same thing with their spouse or loved one. Please help me!
I am a recovering addict of sorts, I suppose, although for some reason, I don't really consider myself one. That may be, yet, another issue for another time. Anyways, I am married to an addict, that I CAN say for sure! My life and possibly my children's lives, to some degree, is becoming unmanageable. I've recently realized that I am a codependent. A GREAT BIG ONE, actually. My husband is a veteran, I'm his caregiver, literally as well as figuratively. My Husband is also addicted and actively abusing his pain medication, methadone. If anyone cares to hear the history of our relationship, and how we got to where we are now, let me know, but for now, I'd like to focus on the present situation. I want to share how hurt and furious and confused, I am, RIGHT NOW.
My Husband is in an out patient, intensive program at the Veteran's Affairs, medical center. There is ABSOLUTELY, NOTHING intensive about this program. For the sake if time, I won't go into all the details on how the government is failing my husband, and I'm sure many other veterans, by not providing a rehabilitation service that even slightly resembles a PRIVATE, certified, FUNCTIONING, drug & alcohol rehabilitation center. It's a joke! But not a very funny one. My husband was court ordered to attend this program. It's free for veterans, had we enough money to send him to a real facility, I KNOW things would be much different, yet he was adamant, that he WAS NOT going in-patient and neither was he going any more than 50 miles away from home.
My husband continues to abuse his medication, only on a weekly cycle, now, instead of a monthly cycle. He says he's no longer spending money on pills. He used to spend thousands of dollars on pills, each month, leaving me to beg and sometimes steal food, to feed my children, the last week or two of the month, EVERY MONTH. We make too much money for assistance. I can't explain to social workers,"well, my husband pissed away all our money on pills, even though he's GIVEN 487 of them, a month, through his rx. Oh, but can you still give me food stamps?". It just doesn't work that way. The two dealers that he got his pills from, primarily, are either in jail, or awaiting a trial, due to my husband, if you know what I mean. He expects me to believe that there is NO ONE else in our area, that he could get pills from. He thinks I'm stupid, he has no respect for me or our marriage, or my kids, or our marriage. We are out of money, right now. Last week, he had $150.00, which I can't remember how he got. He gave it to me, to keep, because I'm the MORE RESPONSIBLE ONE, THE SOBER ONE! I put it in my wallet. I also had 80$$ on my child support card, that stays in my wallet. He has my child support card, numbers, memorized, front and back, pin number and all. It all disappears. I did go to the grocery, the Dr. The pharmacy, got gas, got cigarettes, but I didn't get candy, because when your high you want candy. I didn't get wings, two nights in a row, pizza, McDonalds...he ran out that tab like nobodies business, and all while the $$ was supposed to be safe, in my wallet.early on, this week, my ex-husband gave me$ 300.00. He works on a cruise ship and isn't home ALOT for our kids. He doesn't pay child support, but occasionally throws me some $$, especially if he's been gone, longer than usual. I put that money in my account, my husband gets his meds again, for the week, he starts asking me, "you don't wanna cook, do ya?" "Let's go out!". He drives to the VA, three times a week, two of those days, he has some time, between appointments, like an hour or two. He drives back home and then back, those two days, instead of staying there and not waisting the extra $20.00 in gas. He asks me for $$ for a fishing Liscense, he takes an extra $20.00 off my card without telling me, when I ask him to run to the store, only for cigarettes. He brings me receipts, leaving out the ATM ones. He brings home his daughter's little cousin, who's a very active little girl, promising that she won't be spending the night. I DID NOT want her to spend the night. I made it very clear. She spends the night, his dad and sister spend the night. His sister's other child spends the night, she has Asburger's, bless her little heart. He let's them stay up all night watching scary movies, like Mama and evil dead, the new one. He's high, all night, sleep walking, running into things, rearranging the cupboards, stuff like that. All this, while a 5& 6 year old watch horror flicks that MY OWN CHILDREN wouldn't want to watch, nor would I allow them to. It's his daughter, though, so he does what he wants.....
I could go on, with how he continued to lie, scheme, then try to make me feel like the crazy one, or the bad guy, the one who's making a mountain out of a mole hill. I won't, though. I'm sure someone out there has experienced what I'm experiencing, has gone through the same thing with their spouse or loved one. Please help me!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you finally posted.
What you describe has a name for it: gaslighting. It's a particularly vile and disgusting form of psychological and emotional abuse where the victim is made to feel and believe by someone that they're the "crazy one". We see that a lot here. In fact, I was a victim of gaslighting at one point, so I empathize.
At any rate, I know you feel like in you're a tough spot. And that's because you are. Other members will be by to offer encouragement and support. But I will leave you with this: when you take substance abuse and throw gaslightning into the mix, that is a cocktail for unspeakable sadness. It does not have to be that way for you or your children, however. Pay attention to your gut.
Again, Welcome to the Board, and please be safe and use what we have to offer as a resource and a form of support.
I could go on, with how he continued to lie, scheme, then try to make me feel like the crazy one, or the bad guy, the one who's making a mountain out of a mole hill. I won't, though. I'm sure someone out there has experienced what I'm experiencing, has gone through the same thing with their spouse or loved one. Please help me!
At any rate, I know you feel like in you're a tough spot. And that's because you are. Other members will be by to offer encouragement and support. But I will leave you with this: when you take substance abuse and throw gaslightning into the mix, that is a cocktail for unspeakable sadness. It does not have to be that way for you or your children, however. Pay attention to your gut.
Again, Welcome to the Board, and please be safe and use what we have to offer as a resource and a form of support.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Hi Quiet I am so sorry for what has brought you here but glad you found us.
I feel so bad for your husband not getting the proper treatment he deserves being a vet HOWEVER there is no excuse for abuse and taking advantage of you.
It sounds like you are in a very scary situation and it doesn't sound like your husband wants treatment. Have I misunderstood this?
What we all learn here as family of addicts is to take care of ourselves.
My first order of business would be to get a separate money account pronto without his name on it. I know people who sleep with their pocketbooks under their pillows, sad but true. You may need to do this so he cannot get a hold of your cards. You may also need to get a new debit card for your groceries so he does not have the number. I't isnt fair to you or your children.
That money needs to go to your children. Have you tried attending any al anon or nar anon meetings? Do you have any family around that could help you if need be?
You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Do you have any options available to you for any type of therapy or counseling services?
Most likely he will find a way to buy the drugs if he wants them. Drug addicts are very resourceful and unfortunately you can find dealers very easily.
I highly recommend reading the stickies at the top of the forum. Others with more support and suggestions will be along.
I feel so bad for your husband not getting the proper treatment he deserves being a vet HOWEVER there is no excuse for abuse and taking advantage of you.
It sounds like you are in a very scary situation and it doesn't sound like your husband wants treatment. Have I misunderstood this?
What we all learn here as family of addicts is to take care of ourselves.
My first order of business would be to get a separate money account pronto without his name on it. I know people who sleep with their pocketbooks under their pillows, sad but true. You may need to do this so he cannot get a hold of your cards. You may also need to get a new debit card for your groceries so he does not have the number. I't isnt fair to you or your children.
That money needs to go to your children. Have you tried attending any al anon or nar anon meetings? Do you have any family around that could help you if need be?
You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Do you have any options available to you for any type of therapy or counseling services?
Most likely he will find a way to buy the drugs if he wants them. Drug addicts are very resourceful and unfortunately you can find dealers very easily.
I highly recommend reading the stickies at the top of the forum. Others with more support and suggestions will be along.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 24
Thank you!
Thank you for your reply, zoso77. I have never heard that term, gaslighting. I'm going to research it. I have been researching topics on Codependency, and the information has been helpful. Just a while ago, my husband left the house in a huff, after I told him that I wasn't giving him any spending money, for the weekend, after he blew through all of his money, last week and has stolen some of my money that my ex husband gave me for my children, for this week and weekend. He just called and apologized for how he behaved while leaving the house(no apology for stealing and lying, though.) I apologized for being so cold to him, but explained to him, without going into so many details, that the past week, he has done several small things and a couple more severe, things to me, that has really upset and hurt me. He didn't ask what those things were, he knows. I was glad he didn't ask, because then I would have had to sit there for hours, hearing his excuses. I just picked up my son, who I only get to see, every other weekend, thanks to my husbands foul behavior and my son's father being an exceptional parent(at times). I've spent the last year, and $1,500, fighting my son's father, trying to prove I have a safe, healthy environment, here at home, with my children(my other 3). That's not the case, though and everyone knows it, including the county judge that made the final verdict on my child custody case. I get my son, who I raised on my own, as a small child, until he grew up a bit and was found to be extremely athletic. Then his father decided to cone around and contribute to my babies life, by being a coach, trainer, drill seargent. I lost my rights to my son, to a single father, who lives with his mother and had nothing to do with my son for the first six or seven years of his life! That doesn't happen around here. Mothers don't just lose their sons.
My son is also not allowed to be in the presence of my husband, there's to be no contact, whatsoever. I was leaving every other weekend, to my parents house, to be with Schuyler. My husband made me drive back home, every night, on those weekends. I didn't even get to spend the night with my son. Now he's decided that he would rather take my car and go to HIS parents' house and leave me at my house(which it's nice to have my son at home), but with no transportation. He didn't do it out of kindness, although that's how he likes to spin it. He did it so he wouldn't have to worry about me going out, anywhere). He has told me numerous times, that he would never go away to rehab, because he wouldn't trust me to be alone and it would bother him so much, that the rehabilitation wouldn't work.
So he left for his parents, calls me, I call back, apologizes, I apologize back, he tells me he only has a quarter of a tank of gas and his parents won't buy him any pop...the next thing out of my mouth is, well, I could go up to the ATM and pull out $10.00 or $20.00...? After I got off the phone, I realized what had just happened. I just got played. He hasn't come back up here, yet. I know I shouldn't give him the money, but....? I'm not sure what I will actually do at this point.
My son is also not allowed to be in the presence of my husband, there's to be no contact, whatsoever. I was leaving every other weekend, to my parents house, to be with Schuyler. My husband made me drive back home, every night, on those weekends. I didn't even get to spend the night with my son. Now he's decided that he would rather take my car and go to HIS parents' house and leave me at my house(which it's nice to have my son at home), but with no transportation. He didn't do it out of kindness, although that's how he likes to spin it. He did it so he wouldn't have to worry about me going out, anywhere). He has told me numerous times, that he would never go away to rehab, because he wouldn't trust me to be alone and it would bother him so much, that the rehabilitation wouldn't work.
So he left for his parents, calls me, I call back, apologizes, I apologize back, he tells me he only has a quarter of a tank of gas and his parents won't buy him any pop...the next thing out of my mouth is, well, I could go up to the ATM and pull out $10.00 or $20.00...? After I got off the phone, I realized what had just happened. I just got played. He hasn't come back up here, yet. I know I shouldn't give him the money, but....? I'm not sure what I will actually do at this point.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Read over what you wrote again and ask yourself-why am I staying with a man who the country judge wont allow my son to be near and keeps me under his thumb?. You lost custody of your son because your husband is a drug addict and a threat to him.
Your husband is a bully, control freak and uses you for money. You now state you have 3 children at home who have to witness this behavior on a daily basis.
Why would you allow this? You deserve better and your children sure as heck do.
What is it that keeps you coming back for more abuse?
Id be packing my bags and running for the hills. Your children are in an extremely unhealthy environment.
Whether your ex paid attention early on in his life or not, he is doing your son a favor by taking him out of this horrible situation and you even admit that. Be glad he is a caring interested dad now. Please do not allow your other children to be witness to this any longer.
Your husband is a bully, control freak and uses you for money. You now state you have 3 children at home who have to witness this behavior on a daily basis.
Why would you allow this? You deserve better and your children sure as heck do.
What is it that keeps you coming back for more abuse?
Id be packing my bags and running for the hills. Your children are in an extremely unhealthy environment.
Whether your ex paid attention early on in his life or not, he is doing your son a favor by taking him out of this horrible situation and you even admit that. Be glad he is a caring interested dad now. Please do not allow your other children to be witness to this any longer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 24
Knowing what to do vs. Doing it!
Thank you, so very much, needingabreak! My husband says he wants treatment, on good days, but he doesn't, I don't know, follow through. If that makes any sense. He says he's proud of himself for not buying pills for so many weeks. He even went so far as to say that him spending all that money, in the past, was the only real problem of his addiction, and now that he's not doing that anymore, he doesn't get what the big deal is. What I don't understand is how someone like my husband, who is obviously "powerless" over his addiction, is left, by the VA, to be responsible for taking 112 pills, as prescribed, every week. There are no pill counts. He gets pee tested, or whatever, frequently, but they know he doesn't take other drugs. It's so ridiculous! They have suggested he go to inpatient, but he refuses and theycan't force him to do it.
I see a psychiatrist, but you know how that is...IN...her's your script...OUT! I have actually been through several therapists, and they all say the same thing. "You need to leave!" I can't leave, right now. Al-Anon or Nar-anon groups are what I'm trying to work up the nerve to get to. I found one in my area. I don't have many friends, now and my Mother is my only confidant, but I'm afraid that I'm causing her so much grief, that she's becoming codependent with me. I don't want to make my Mother sick. This stress is slowly but surely killing me, and she's 72 years old, her body, mind, soul, shouldn't be bombarded with my problems.
I do so appreciate all of these replies, I'm starting to not feel so alone, afterall. Thank you.
I see a psychiatrist, but you know how that is...IN...her's your script...OUT! I have actually been through several therapists, and they all say the same thing. "You need to leave!" I can't leave, right now. Al-Anon or Nar-anon groups are what I'm trying to work up the nerve to get to. I found one in my area. I don't have many friends, now and my Mother is my only confidant, but I'm afraid that I'm causing her so much grief, that she's becoming codependent with me. I don't want to make my Mother sick. This stress is slowly but surely killing me, and she's 72 years old, her body, mind, soul, shouldn't be bombarded with my problems.
I do so appreciate all of these replies, I'm starting to not feel so alone, afterall. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Once you walk into a an al anon or nar anon meeting you'll wonder why you ever felt so nervous. They are a wonderful bunch and will welcome you with open arms.
Sometimes you have to go through a few counselors to find just the right one. I've had that issue myself. Dont give up! You can find help if you keep looking. There are people out there who care and will point you in the right direction. Many at these meetings are in the same boat as you.
Sometimes you have to go through a few counselors to find just the right one. I've had that issue myself. Dont give up! You can find help if you keep looking. There are people out there who care and will point you in the right direction. Many at these meetings are in the same boat as you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 831
Why can't you leave? You are being abused and allowing your children to be abused.
Please go to an Al-Anon/Narc-Anon or even a Codependents Anonymous meeting. You will learn that the drugs are not your problem. You can't control him. Even if you don't give him money he will find a way. Addicts lie. Don't believe everything he tells you.
I agree with everyone else's replies so far.
What are you doing to protect yourself and your children?
I'm very sorry to hear you are allowing yourself and your kids to continue to be abused by remaining with this man. It's time to stand up for yourself and do the right thing even if it's emotionally difficult.
Please go to an Al-Anon/Narc-Anon or even a Codependents Anonymous meeting. You will learn that the drugs are not your problem. You can't control him. Even if you don't give him money he will find a way. Addicts lie. Don't believe everything he tells you.
I agree with everyone else's replies so far.
What are you doing to protect yourself and your children?
I'm very sorry to hear you are allowing yourself and your kids to continue to be abused by remaining with this man. It's time to stand up for yourself and do the right thing even if it's emotionally difficult.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if the house was on fire, you'd LEAVE.
you are living with an out of control addict, your house IS on fire. find a way out. sorry babe, but you gotta wake up...to the REALITY of the situation and take appropriate actions.
you deserve better.
your children most certainly deserve better.
make good choices.
you are living with an out of control addict, your house IS on fire. find a way out. sorry babe, but you gotta wake up...to the REALITY of the situation and take appropriate actions.
you deserve better.
your children most certainly deserve better.
make good choices.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 24
You can say that again!
Hey, everyone! I hear what you're saying. I went through a grieving process, after I lost custody of my son. It was all very difficult to swallow. At first I was in denial, hating my son's father, hating my husband, the justice system, my ex's Lawyer(who WAS, in all reality a real jerk and a big bully), I blamed my lawyer as well, for not doing enough. I was angry with anyone who blamed me or my husband for the situation that caused my son's father to file for custody, in the first place. All that anger I had, and then still dealing with my husband and his antics. It was hard to stay sane. I denied any part of it being my own fault. I was a victim of circumstances, beyond my control. I couldn't leave, I couldn't kick him out, I couldn't get rid of what he had growing in the basement, I couldn't turn him in. What was I to do, but sit there and try to keep everything a secret, like so many other secrets I've had to keep.
Finally, one day after talking to my mom for the umpteenth time about the same topic, the same problems, the same bull-poopee, I woke up and realized that everything that I was saying was coming from my ego. The shame of being labeled, "a bad mother", the embarrassment of being my child's mother and losing custody to a man, his father. It was my pride, or loss of pride that was keeping me from seeing the big picture.
What happened, was MY fault as well as my husbands and if I were in my ex's shoes, I may have done the very same thing. I started to take a better look, at my home and how we live, as a family, what I have to offer, and then at my ex's. I just want my son to be happy. I let go. It was very, very, difficult!
I do not want to fail my other children. I WANT to tell you guys that it's really not that bad at my house, I mean, my Husband provides us a very nice house,in a very nice neighborhood. They have friends, all of my children do activities and sports, I'm a cheerleading coach for my daughter, they have nice clothes, game systems, their own rooms....I WANT to tell you guys that my husband stays to himself, most of the time and that it's an understanding between us, that he DOES NOT in any way shape or form try to discipline my kids. I WANT to tell you that they get all worked up, play both sides, between me and their Father's, sometimes my KIDS play the victim for extra attention and Jonnie's always the scapegoat. He's never put his hands on anyone... That's good, right!?!
All of that, above is what I tell myself, every day. "it's not a big deal.". He's in rehab, it'll start working soon.". "Kids are resilient and it's really not that bad.". Does any of this sound familiar.
I'm SCARED! I'm so scared to be out on my own, to go back to school, get a job, live with my parents and my 4 kids, have to go through yet another divorce, worry about wether or not I'll ever meet someone else, worry about meeting someone else, the same or worst than my current husband, the possibility of dying alone if I don't ever meet someone, not really sure if I can handle my kids, my finances, my LIFE, on my own. All of that is what I'm scared of and what keeps me here, with my kids, in this unbearable and unmanageable, unhappy relationship.
I LOVE MY KIDS! They're all I've got and all that keeps me here, on this earth, at times. I want to leave sometimes. I threaten to leave, a lot! I have left, before, and came back. My heart says that he WILL get better and we will be able to enjoy all the nice things that we have and our nice home, in our nice neighborhood, with all of our nice things, together, as a family. Ya! We'll all be one big happy family...and sooner or later, everyone will forget these bad times, because everything will be so good!
Does that happen...ever? Are there any happy endings? I want to believe there are and I want to believe that someday, I'll have my happy ending. Am I out of my mind for wanting this?
Finally, one day after talking to my mom for the umpteenth time about the same topic, the same problems, the same bull-poopee, I woke up and realized that everything that I was saying was coming from my ego. The shame of being labeled, "a bad mother", the embarrassment of being my child's mother and losing custody to a man, his father. It was my pride, or loss of pride that was keeping me from seeing the big picture.
What happened, was MY fault as well as my husbands and if I were in my ex's shoes, I may have done the very same thing. I started to take a better look, at my home and how we live, as a family, what I have to offer, and then at my ex's. I just want my son to be happy. I let go. It was very, very, difficult!
I do not want to fail my other children. I WANT to tell you guys that it's really not that bad at my house, I mean, my Husband provides us a very nice house,in a very nice neighborhood. They have friends, all of my children do activities and sports, I'm a cheerleading coach for my daughter, they have nice clothes, game systems, their own rooms....I WANT to tell you guys that my husband stays to himself, most of the time and that it's an understanding between us, that he DOES NOT in any way shape or form try to discipline my kids. I WANT to tell you that they get all worked up, play both sides, between me and their Father's, sometimes my KIDS play the victim for extra attention and Jonnie's always the scapegoat. He's never put his hands on anyone... That's good, right!?!
All of that, above is what I tell myself, every day. "it's not a big deal.". He's in rehab, it'll start working soon.". "Kids are resilient and it's really not that bad.". Does any of this sound familiar.
I'm SCARED! I'm so scared to be out on my own, to go back to school, get a job, live with my parents and my 4 kids, have to go through yet another divorce, worry about wether or not I'll ever meet someone else, worry about meeting someone else, the same or worst than my current husband, the possibility of dying alone if I don't ever meet someone, not really sure if I can handle my kids, my finances, my LIFE, on my own. All of that is what I'm scared of and what keeps me here, with my kids, in this unbearable and unmanageable, unhappy relationship.
I LOVE MY KIDS! They're all I've got and all that keeps me here, on this earth, at times. I want to leave sometimes. I threaten to leave, a lot! I have left, before, and came back. My heart says that he WILL get better and we will be able to enjoy all the nice things that we have and our nice home, in our nice neighborhood, with all of our nice things, together, as a family. Ya! We'll all be one big happy family...and sooner or later, everyone will forget these bad times, because everything will be so good!
Does that happen...ever? Are there any happy endings? I want to believe there are and I want to believe that someday, I'll have my happy ending. Am I out of my mind for wanting this?
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Boise, id
Posts: 33
I am new here as well, and decided to leave my bf I have two small children with him and one on the way. If I was u I would leave sounds like he's very controlling, and maybe mean? I hope u can find a place to go maybe your parents? If ur son can't be around him and he is the way he is ur other children shouldn't be either. I know its hard and being new to all of this I know how hard it is and the battle that wil contunie. I wish u the best and hope u get strenghth and courage to leave for yourself and children. Best of wishes to u and ur family
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Boise, id
Posts: 33
I am new here as well, and decided to leave my bf I have two small children with him and one on the way. If I was u I would leave sounds like he's very controlling, and maybe mean? I hope u can find a place to go maybe your parents? If ur son can't be around him and he is the way he is ur other children shouldn't be either. I know its hard and being new to all of this I know how hard it is and the battle that wil contunie. I wish u the best and hope u get strenghth and courage to leave for yourself and children. Best of wishes to u and ur family
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 24
Tomorrow's a new day!
Well, I'm off to bed. Today has been great. I feel warmly welcomed, here and just a bit stronger than I had before I signed in to Sober recovery. I wish you all pleasant dreams as well, if it's bed time where you are at. I am one step closer to getting to a Nar-anon meeting. I will let you guys know, as soon as I do. Hopefully, I can help someone on their journey to recovery and to reclaiming their lives, just as you all are helping me. Tomorrow's a bigger, better, brighter Day!!!
Much Love,
QuietlE77
Much Love,
QuietlE77
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Viera,FL
Posts: 40
QuietIE77...I have had the same hopes and dreams that my AH would finally decide to get sober and make his best life happen with me and the children. I did all the typical codependent tactics: leave the house for a few nights, come back, pack up and move 1000 miles away, come back, file for and cancel divorce THREE times, take whatever money we had to hide it, discuss his abhorrent behavior with his father, request him to go to counseling, and on and on. I recently (8 mos ago) fell back into the trap of " I love you and the kids, you're the most important thing to me, I know that now after being apart for a year, I want to change, blah blah blah" I allowed him back into my (and our sons') life and I COMPLETELY regret it, well other than the fact that I now know 100% that HE does not and will not love anyone but whatever substance he's choosing that week. Was it hard when we were apart and I had to deal with the bills alone and the boys alone and football and homework and church and other day to day things alone? Oh, it sure was. Guess what? I DO IT ALONE WHEN HE IS "HERE" ANYWAY!! But here is the kicker to THAT; the bills are higher, the peace is gone from my home, the boys are disappointed by broken promises, the house is messier, we have less food, and we never know what kind of "mood" he will be in.
Sounds grand doesn't it? UGH... I hope and pray that our final separation goes smooth, I know that's asking a lot. I hope and pray you can find strength to realize that you and your kids can live much happier and peaceful and yes....it'll suck for a while at your mom's or wherever you need to go but it WILL get better. You will make a new friend or two, you'll have time to read, take a break without wondering when the next shoe is gonna drop, you'll be able to devote more time to your son you see on the weekends and in the end be healthier and happier for it. I WISH my mother would've left my alcoholic father when I was young...but, I am going to start a new legacy for my family. God Bless you, keep reading on here..it has helped me tremendously.
Sounds grand doesn't it? UGH... I hope and pray that our final separation goes smooth, I know that's asking a lot. I hope and pray you can find strength to realize that you and your kids can live much happier and peaceful and yes....it'll suck for a while at your mom's or wherever you need to go but it WILL get better. You will make a new friend or two, you'll have time to read, take a break without wondering when the next shoe is gonna drop, you'll be able to devote more time to your son you see on the weekends and in the end be healthier and happier for it. I WISH my mother would've left my alcoholic father when I was young...but, I am going to start a new legacy for my family. God Bless you, keep reading on here..it has helped me tremendously.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 24
Hope Springs Eternal
Ksgirl, thank you for your beautiful words.
I don't believe it YET, but I'm hopeful, I will come to know that I am wiser than I think I am, more capable than I have shown myself to be, and that I'm stronger than I could have ever imagined. there really are NO EXCUSES, now, at least none of any validity.
What you said about being a daughter of an alcoholic and wishing your mother would've left, really bothered me. I have no idea what it's like to be a child of an alcoholic. It must've been horrible for you, and I can feel that sense of sorrow for someone else, but for some reason, I continue to lack insight into my own children's feelings at times. I know that, like you, my children will grow up to be adult children of an addict and will be forever changed, haunted, by what they are presently experiencing. It will effect the kind of person they become, who they choose to marry, what kind of parent they will be, and the cycle continues. I Love them. I would never stand by and watch someone treat them, how they see me being treated.
I don't believe it YET, but I'm hopeful, I will come to know that I am wiser than I think I am, more capable than I have shown myself to be, and that I'm stronger than I could have ever imagined. there really are NO EXCUSES, now, at least none of any validity.
What you said about being a daughter of an alcoholic and wishing your mother would've left, really bothered me. I have no idea what it's like to be a child of an alcoholic. It must've been horrible for you, and I can feel that sense of sorrow for someone else, but for some reason, I continue to lack insight into my own children's feelings at times. I know that, like you, my children will grow up to be adult children of an addict and will be forever changed, haunted, by what they are presently experiencing. It will effect the kind of person they become, who they choose to marry, what kind of parent they will be, and the cycle continues. I Love them. I would never stand by and watch someone treat them, how they see me being treated.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 831
Originally Posted by bookmaven 
Please go to an Al-Anon/Narc-Anon or even a Codependents Anonymous meeting. You will learn that the drugs are not your problem.
Sorry for the typo. I should have proofread before posting.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Hold up a minute on blaming the VA. They want him to go inpatient and he will not.
I know someone near and dear to me whom I have never seen use or exhibit any A behaviors. This person ASKED the VA to go into treatment inpatient and used it to get clean and stay clean. It wasn't a luxury rehab, no walk in the park but this person went there with a dedicated mission.
I also know another vet who has sacrificed getting all kinds of help from the VA because they would rather drink and smoke pot. This person is bitter about everything. There is no helping him because he will not cooperate with all or practically any of the help offered and available to him. He sabotages himself and blames anyone but himself.
The decision to get clean or use is completely up to the person who is using.
Personally I would go ballistic over someone stealing my children's money.
I know someone near and dear to me whom I have never seen use or exhibit any A behaviors. This person ASKED the VA to go into treatment inpatient and used it to get clean and stay clean. It wasn't a luxury rehab, no walk in the park but this person went there with a dedicated mission.
I also know another vet who has sacrificed getting all kinds of help from the VA because they would rather drink and smoke pot. This person is bitter about everything. There is no helping him because he will not cooperate with all or practically any of the help offered and available to him. He sabotages himself and blames anyone but himself.
The decision to get clean or use is completely up to the person who is using.
Personally I would go ballistic over someone stealing my children's money.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 831
Originally Posted by Live
Hold up a minute on blaming the VA. They want him to go inpatient and he will not.
The decision to get clean or use is completely up to the person who is using. Personally I would go ballistic over someone stealing my children's money.
The decision to get clean or use is completely up to the person who is using. Personally I would go ballistic over someone stealing my children's money.
Being so "worried" about you while he is away is not caring for you it's emotional abuse.
Have you gone to see a therapist? Not a psychiatrist, they are medical doctors trained to treat mental illness with drugs. A psychologist is going to talk with you, not a psychiatrist.
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