Sober Dating? How to do it in your 20s?
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Sober Dating? How to do it in your 20s?
Day 14 for me. I'm quite proud of myself. Not a drink nor a smoke for two weeks. I would say in my amateur status as a recovering alcoholic that while the effects of quitting drinking are substantial. Quitting smoking has had more a physical effect. Again, I can't know for sure because I quit both at the same time, but as far as exercise goes and general appearance (take a picture of yourself before you go smoke and then take a picture of yourself right after a cig and tell me you don't have dark circles under your eyes after) quitting smoking has been phenomenal. I have been eating a lot of popsicles though. Something I haven't even had since I was a kid. I go for no added sugar ones made from real fruit. It has really helped ward of nicotine cravings. Oh and I've also lost 8 lbs since I quit. I was worried that I was going to gain weight but the exercise and not drinking seemed more than balance the greater intake of food I've had since I quit drinking so win-win.
Ok so now for the real topic. Many of the inspiring posts I've read from other users seem to come from people that are married or have someone very special in their lives that have been through them during their recovery. That's great and I'm happy for you! But what about those of you who recovered before finding a life partner? Or while you were young enough for the drinking/dating scene to be rampant?
I know I'm only 14 days in and I have a lot to learn and a long road ahead of me, but I'm beginning to feel normal again. And as a single 25 year old that means that I'm going to be thinking about the dating scene again. I've got a few potentials that I may want to go out with in the near future... then it hit me. I took an inventory and I haven't hooked up with a girl for the first time sober since my first year of college (2007). I don't think I know how to do it.
Every first kiss I've gotten for years has been while drinking. Many of these women I don't think I would have kissed! Something about the alcohol in the system makes me think, "just go for it... if she doesn't want to kiss you and pulls away then at least you are still drunk." And usually she is toasty as well so she is more likely to accept. In fact, my last 3 long term relationships were built on drunken first kisses. I can only imagine it being extremely awkward sober. So I have some questions for you all if you would like to answer based upon your experience that would be great. I don't expect everyone to have answers, and I would like to keep the thread based upon real stories instead of hypotheticals: "Well if I was your age and in your position this is what I would do..."
Sobriety is obviously my priority, but I don't want to miss potential relationships because of it. You can say "well then it's not meant to be", but in all honesty I would take my last 3 relationships and being an alcoholic during them vs not having those relationships and being sober. I'm just a natural born lover at heart :P
-Have any of you gotten so comfortable with your sobriety that you went out on a first date that involved drinking? and stayed sober while your partner had a few drinks? or is that an impossibility for most of you?
-Even if you build dates around sober activities, eventually you will have to tell the person that you don't drink right? When do you tell them? Do you tell them you are a recovering alcoholic? If so, how soon (for each) ?
-Is it possible to get into a relationship with someone who is not an alcoholic but enjoys drinking? (Personally, I'm attracted to wilder girls that also have personality traits to be a good mother, and I already know that I will not be attracted to someone that doesn't drink, UNLESS they are in recovery too, because otherwise they are usually uptight, boring, and lame.)
Ok so now for the real topic. Many of the inspiring posts I've read from other users seem to come from people that are married or have someone very special in their lives that have been through them during their recovery. That's great and I'm happy for you! But what about those of you who recovered before finding a life partner? Or while you were young enough for the drinking/dating scene to be rampant?
I know I'm only 14 days in and I have a lot to learn and a long road ahead of me, but I'm beginning to feel normal again. And as a single 25 year old that means that I'm going to be thinking about the dating scene again. I've got a few potentials that I may want to go out with in the near future... then it hit me. I took an inventory and I haven't hooked up with a girl for the first time sober since my first year of college (2007). I don't think I know how to do it.
Every first kiss I've gotten for years has been while drinking. Many of these women I don't think I would have kissed! Something about the alcohol in the system makes me think, "just go for it... if she doesn't want to kiss you and pulls away then at least you are still drunk." And usually she is toasty as well so she is more likely to accept. In fact, my last 3 long term relationships were built on drunken first kisses. I can only imagine it being extremely awkward sober. So I have some questions for you all if you would like to answer based upon your experience that would be great. I don't expect everyone to have answers, and I would like to keep the thread based upon real stories instead of hypotheticals: "Well if I was your age and in your position this is what I would do..."
Sobriety is obviously my priority, but I don't want to miss potential relationships because of it. You can say "well then it's not meant to be", but in all honesty I would take my last 3 relationships and being an alcoholic during them vs not having those relationships and being sober. I'm just a natural born lover at heart :P
-Have any of you gotten so comfortable with your sobriety that you went out on a first date that involved drinking? and stayed sober while your partner had a few drinks? or is that an impossibility for most of you?
-Even if you build dates around sober activities, eventually you will have to tell the person that you don't drink right? When do you tell them? Do you tell them you are a recovering alcoholic? If so, how soon (for each) ?
-Is it possible to get into a relationship with someone who is not an alcoholic but enjoys drinking? (Personally, I'm attracted to wilder girls that also have personality traits to be a good mother, and I already know that I will not be attracted to someone that doesn't drink, UNLESS they are in recovery too, because otherwise they are usually uptight, boring, and lame.)
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Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Originally Posted by Serper2014 
-Have any of you gotten so comfortable with your sobriety that you went out on a first date that involved drinking? and stayed sober while your partner had a few drinks? or is that an impossibility for most of you?
-Even if you build dates around sober activities, eventually you will have to tell the person that you don't drink right? When do you tell them? Do you tell them you are a recovering alcoholic? If so, how soon (for each) ?
-Is it possible to get into a relationship with someone who is not an alcoholic but enjoys drinking? (Personally, I'm attracted to wilder girls that also have personality traits to be a good mother, and I already know that I will not be attracted to someone that doesn't drink, UNLESS they are in recovery too, because otherwise they are usually uptight, boring, and lame.)
-Even if you build dates around sober activities, eventually you will have to tell the person that you don't drink right? When do you tell them? Do you tell them you are a recovering alcoholic? If so, how soon (for each) ?
-Is it possible to get into a relationship with someone who is not an alcoholic but enjoys drinking? (Personally, I'm attracted to wilder girls that also have personality traits to be a good mother, and I already know that I will not be attracted to someone that doesn't drink, UNLESS they are in recovery too, because otherwise they are usually uptight, boring, and lame.)
First, I make my own popsicles with juice and one of those plastic popsicle stick maker freezer things. Just had one in fact
.Before answering your questions, I must state that I AM married, but got sober at 23 and spent about 20 sober years dating. Lots of women. I'm shy, and also always needed alcohol. I grew up with 2 brothers. I have come to realize that those of us that grew up with no sisters have a rougher time with women, than those who didn't. Was always envious of guys with sisters, but somehow realizing that I was working with a handicap made it easier for me to accept my shyness, or lack of forwardness. Alcohol dissolved that, but like you I knew I wanted to, HAD TO, learn to do this sober.
So, question 1. Never had a desire to go out with a girl for drinks on a first date. Did it a couple of times by accident (won't bore you with the details). Not my thing. Never wanted to be dating a girl that wanted to go out drinking, period. But yes, I absolutely could. And did. Without drinking.
Question 2. One of my first sober dates I busted loose with my story, in great detail, as soon as the girl opened up with something personal about herself. That was the last time I ever did that. Again, I'll spare ya the details, but she thought I was nuts... I thought I was nuts after the night was over... we never went out again. It's hard for me to remember exactly how I treated the drinking issue after that, I remember I'd never mention anything about alcoholism on a first date. I'd say I don't drink, if it came up, and if it went any further than that I'd keep it simple and say that I just don't do it very well. Don't ever remember having an issue with having to explain. I liked to keep whoever I was with talking about themselves.
Question 3. Yes. And no. I got involved with lots of crazy, CRAZY, girls in sobriety. It always wound up being a very painful experience. Took me a long time get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and took me a lot of therapy, meetings, 12 step work, etc. to grow away from my attraction to wild women. My wife was actually one of them when we met, and I broke up with her for for a stretch because I couldn't be involved with someone like that anymore. Took her a couple of years to convince me that I had her misjudged... and yes, that's yet another long story. Oh yeah, you can find lots of crazy women an AA, sans alcohol. FWIW.
I believe your post started with a first kiss question, and I gotta say that that was actually the toughest stuff for me. Only 2 things made that possible. First was being absolutely certain that the girl was into me, and wasn't going to stop me. I've got no tricks up my sleeve for that. Sometimes the first kiss never happened. I'm a pretty sensitive dude, and could tell when it was okay. And during the last few years of my dating I got into a different habit. Not sure if I was losing my touch, or just losing my mind... but I started asking for permission. That was a tad dangerous, but gave me a few really interesting and fun experiences. I'd say something somewhat corny like, "I'd love to kiss you right now... ", and hope for a smile, or a, "Then kiss me." It's a slippery slope though
, cuz I've gotten the opposite too. One of the last girls I was with actually called me an idiot, and asked why I didn't just do it. Another, who was a friend who I wanted to go a bit further with said, no. I don't think of you like that. But then 1 minute later grabbed my head and started making out with me. She said, "Ya got me curious."Anyhow, that was my experience. And my experience was from a different time and place. It's all I got though. Hope ya find something helpful in all that. If none of that was, then I hope this is:
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN ANY OF THIS DATING STUFF, IS TO NOT PICK UP A DRINK, NO MATTER WHAT!!!! NO MATTER WHAT!!!!
Almost forgot that.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
I have been on a date where my date was drinking and I was not. Didn't bother me, may have bothered her, no idea. Wait, no, I am actually pretty certain it bothered her. We don't go out anymore.
I would not tell anyone you're "an alcoholic", period, full stop. Unless you're introducing yourself by first name at an AA meeting, or trying to end a bad date very early in the evening, that is a particularly unwise choice of phrase. I would just tell them you don't drink, and if they ask why then you can fill in the gaps how you see fit (preferably with some tactfulness).
I hope it is possible to start a relationship with someone who drinks "normally", because otherwise that cuts way-y-y down on the pool of available singles.
Dating someone who drinks is a risk. For some it would prove their undoing. Be warned that you're playing with fire. Good luck.
I would not tell anyone you're "an alcoholic", period, full stop. Unless you're introducing yourself by first name at an AA meeting, or trying to end a bad date very early in the evening, that is a particularly unwise choice of phrase. I would just tell them you don't drink, and if they ask why then you can fill in the gaps how you see fit (preferably with some tactfulness).
I hope it is possible to start a relationship with someone who drinks "normally", because otherwise that cuts way-y-y down on the pool of available singles.
Dating someone who drinks is a risk. For some it would prove their undoing. Be warned that you're playing with fire. Good luck.
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
Originally Posted by Joe Nerv
Forgot to mention that my wife drinks "normally". And for her that's less than 10 drinks a year.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Leeds
Posts: 399
1. Sure, a bunch of times. Other people drinking doesn't actually affect me that much. I guess that's a personal thing
2. You don't have to tell them you're a recovering alcoholic. More often than not I just tell them I don't drink and if they press further tell them I'm just trying to stay healthy, or that it just doesn't interest me
3. Yeah. I think so, as long as it's not all the time. But that's mainly because hanging around drunks sober is no fun
2. You don't have to tell them you're a recovering alcoholic. More often than not I just tell them I don't drink and if they press further tell them I'm just trying to stay healthy, or that it just doesn't interest me
3. Yeah. I think so, as long as it's not all the time. But that's mainly because hanging around drunks sober is no fun
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 596
I would not schedule dates that centered around drinking, obviously. For a first date, meet for a cup of coffee or something else. If you're doing dinner and she has a glass of wine or 2, I don't think that should be an issue, just say you don't drink. I would never provide further detail beyond that on a first date. If you get close to someone, then you can reveal what you choose. As for telling anyone you're an alcoholic? Not a good idea outside of AA (or something similar, personally I would never use the word to describe myself but that's me). The word has a very negative stigma. Most of us suffer from self-esteem and other social issues, starting off a relationship with someone judging you negatively right off the bat is not a good place to be. Because no one will ever look at you the same if you describe yourself as that to them, it's just human nature. Telling someone you simply don't drink is far less incendiary.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Olathe
Posts: 200
I think a lot of women would be really attracted to somebody who does not drink, even if they do a bit socially themselves. As far as social inhibitions, you'll just have to figure that out. I would look at it as a challenge. If you're a lover at heart, prove it. Woo a woman with nothing but your charm, not drunken inhibitions.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
At fourteen days, I was in no condition to start dating. Doing so was the last thing that occurred to me, and this remained the same for well over a year. I had nothing good to offer another person, and I was such a mess that I couldn't even conceive of sharing time with a stranger who was also a potential partner. It didn't make sense to me on any level. I also could not and did not go anywhere where liquor was served. I was convinced that, had I done so, I would have had more than just a single drink, and would have likely continued to drink indefinitely, so intense were my cravings and so broken a person I had become in early sobriety. This also lasted for well over a year.
The idea that we "have to date" because our younger years are fleeting, and that this is what "everyone does" during their twenties and thirties is potentially destructive for people in early recovery, and a convenient distraction from getting sober and doing the necessary work on ourselves. It amounts to the same kind of thinking that tells us it's impossible to stop drinking during our youth because everyone else is doing it. That's just my opinion.
When the subject of dating in early sobriety comes up, I'm reminded of something someone said at a beginners meeting in early sobriety about the mythical Thirteenth Step: "My life has become unmanageable, and I want to share it with someone."
The idea that we "have to date" because our younger years are fleeting, and that this is what "everyone does" during their twenties and thirties is potentially destructive for people in early recovery, and a convenient distraction from getting sober and doing the necessary work on ourselves. It amounts to the same kind of thinking that tells us it's impossible to stop drinking during our youth because everyone else is doing it. That's just my opinion.
When the subject of dating in early sobriety comes up, I'm reminded of something someone said at a beginners meeting in early sobriety about the mythical Thirteenth Step: "My life has become unmanageable, and I want to share it with someone."
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Leeds
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I honestly think for most girls it actually goes for you. You seem to be taking care of yourself, you're disciplined and most importantly- you're different from most guys. These are all very attractive traits. Remember sub-consciously her mind and your mind are going "the species must continue! We must reproduce!" even if you don't actively want children. So being responsible is sexy, on a fundamental level.
Yeah, that's right, get your responsibility on, you finished those tax returns? Daaaaamn.
Yeah, that's right, get your responsibility on, you finished those tax returns? Daaaaamn.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Western New York
Posts: 2,446
I can't say I've dated sober since I've been a teenager and I'll be 40 this year so I'll asnwer as best I can. My last stint sober was preceding my divorce, and I fell back into "moderation" once I knew my marriage was over. It wasn't really moderation, it was drinking every day, and binging when I was able to.
I'm in a relationship now and working on getting sober. My girlfriend drinks moderately to heavily. I don't think she really cares if I drink, though heavy drinkers can be on the defensive around non-drinkers so I don't bring it up.
I find that I am a lot more self aware not drinking, maybe a little more nervous at times, but in general everything is better sober and I'm more in control. I would rather be confident in myself sober, be able to hold a conversation, and remember and experience everything than to be numbed by alcohol. Confidence takes tame to develop and real confidence can only be built sober. I wish I had stuck out my sobriety 3.5 years ago. I believe I would have met and been with the girl I am with anyways, and it would have saved me a lot of pain.
Question1 - I haven't, and I'm in a relationship. Hypothetically, it would be sketchy for me right now. I've struggled with staying sober/relapsing since April and have struggled with drinking in my head for years. There is no magic amount of sober time that needs to pass before dating, but you may find it harder to stay sober early on. Work on yourself and make sure don't stop working on yourself even when you start dating.
Question 2 - If you reach the point of a serious relationship, then I think it's time to bring up the past, including why you don't drink. Early on when just starting dating, I think it's ok to just say you don't drink. Some people will ask more questions or ask why, and I guess you will have to decide what to say then if it comes up.
Question 3 - Yes, but dating doesn't always mean relationship, you have the cart before the horse. I also think it is possible for someone who doesn't drink and isn't in recovery to be wild and crazy. ;-)
I'm in a relationship now and working on getting sober. My girlfriend drinks moderately to heavily. I don't think she really cares if I drink, though heavy drinkers can be on the defensive around non-drinkers so I don't bring it up.
I find that I am a lot more self aware not drinking, maybe a little more nervous at times, but in general everything is better sober and I'm more in control. I would rather be confident in myself sober, be able to hold a conversation, and remember and experience everything than to be numbed by alcohol. Confidence takes tame to develop and real confidence can only be built sober. I wish I had stuck out my sobriety 3.5 years ago. I believe I would have met and been with the girl I am with anyways, and it would have saved me a lot of pain.
Question1 - I haven't, and I'm in a relationship. Hypothetically, it would be sketchy for me right now. I've struggled with staying sober/relapsing since April and have struggled with drinking in my head for years. There is no magic amount of sober time that needs to pass before dating, but you may find it harder to stay sober early on. Work on yourself and make sure don't stop working on yourself even when you start dating.
Question 2 - If you reach the point of a serious relationship, then I think it's time to bring up the past, including why you don't drink. Early on when just starting dating, I think it's ok to just say you don't drink. Some people will ask more questions or ask why, and I guess you will have to decide what to say then if it comes up.
Question 3 - Yes, but dating doesn't always mean relationship, you have the cart before the horse. I also think it is possible for someone who doesn't drink and isn't in recovery to be wild and crazy. ;-)
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 78
I already know that I will not be attracted to someone that doesn't drink, UNLESS they are in recovery too, because otherwise they are usually uptight, boring, and lame.
Uptight, boring and lame. Or focused, fun and wise?
I'm sure you wouldn't want people to judge you on your alcoholism, so why judge other people on their choice not to drink? Broaden your horizons Serper
Uptight, boring and lame. Or focused, fun and wise?
I'm sure you wouldn't want people to judge you on your alcoholism, so why judge other people on their choice not to drink? Broaden your horizons Serper
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Hi Serper...Woop! Woop! on 14 days.
In real life I often answer questions with stories. Cyber life is no different so I will tell a few stories that can hopefully offer a perspective.
First, my brothers rock. One of my little brothers actually finds himself in a similar situation to yours. Are you my little brother? Right now he is working a lot and spends most of his free time surfing, biking and rock-climing (no substances involved)...so he meets people through those activities. Of course, as a sister who wishes to hasten his love life for him because of all his awesomeness that he must share with the world, I keep suggesting that he organize his own sober meet up involving any of the activities he appreciates.
With all my awesome brothers, obviously all I ever wanted for Christmas was a sister. Just a reminder that (as a sibling and female) there is ZERO guarantee that just by having a sister you would have better perspective on your situation, intros to their great girlfriends, or even a person that you actually like in your life. Throwing this question out to the SRers is probably the best way to get a useful and honest answer to your particular situation. Bravo.
Don't worry. There are amazing young women out there in all surroundings who just do not drink. For many women and people in general it is a total non-issue. My suggestion is to make it your issue. Do not yield on your sobriety personally or in considering the relationship thing. Women find self-knowledge/possession and confidence supremely attractive.
Aside from being attracted to women who are wild and crazy, potential good mothers - think about what other qualities you appreciate (and those that you do not really like). This will help you immensely in the dating scene. Be open to meeting people who are involved in the activities that you like and stay honest to yourself and the need to be sober. An explanation as to why you do not drink is NOT necessary. If you are among groups of people often enough, word will get out that you are a great guy (first) and not a drinker (some time in there) and you will be introduced/set up with other great non-drinkers. You may unwittingly become the token non-drinker friend and have more introductions than you will know what to do with. You have to be in a place to put yourself out there in this capacity - this is all up to you and your readiness (and how you wish to put yourself out there).
How do I feel so confident for you just 2 months into my own committed sobriety (and as a happily married woman)? One reason is this story: I paid for college by working at a bar which also happened to be a big social hub in the city. The majority of my dates, acquaintances and friends were substance users/abusers and before my husband and I started seriously dating I was about to be set-up on a blind date through a friend with this 'surprisingly normal and amazing guy' who did not drink. This friend of mine (who was a big pot head, boozer, socializer at the time - who also has a great big heart) went on and on and on about the myriad of ways this [non-drinking] guy and I would be perfect together. At the end of the monologue I was laughing and convinced that an intro would be really fun. Honestly, I was 23 at the time *all* I can remember thinking at that moment was that this 25 year old non-drinking guy must possess an extraordinary sense of self to be mingling sober, for whatever his reasons, amongst those hoodlums that I knew. Seriously.
As it turns out, my now-husband and I, who had been just friends for years, started dating more seriously and I never went on that blind date. The absolute truth is that I have often thought about that great sober guy. My own 20s were sprinkled with long periods of abstinence from alcohol for my own reasons. Now that I am committed to staying sober I definitely know that my drinking enabling environment thus far made it much more difficult for me to make the necessary decision and changes earlier in my life. I cannot and would not change the course of my life though.
The answers to our questions definitely come from within, but our environment often offers some of the best support for really good answers. Stay determined to making your environment the most supportive one you can.
All that being said. Are you into physical activity? I used to do women's sweep rowing in the spring/summer. Practices were 3 days a week at the bum-crack of dawn. Women and men practiced at the same time, alongside each other. Believe me when I tell you that this activity is really hard to do well with a hangover...people will get really PO'd with you slacking off. Rowing seems to have a high concentration of non-drinkers or non-issue drinkers. There are great beginner co-ed 'learn to row' activities in many parts of the country. Check this out No matter what, it is great to do in general but especially if you want great intros to neat people.
Hope this is somewhat helpful sisterly advice via lots of words
In real life I often answer questions with stories. Cyber life is no different
so I will tell a few stories that can hopefully offer a perspective.First, my brothers rock. One of my little brothers actually finds himself in a similar situation to yours. Are you my little brother? Right now he is working a lot and spends most of his free time surfing, biking and rock-climing (no substances involved)...so he meets people through those activities. Of course, as a sister who wishes to hasten his love life for him because of all his awesomeness that he must share with the world, I keep suggesting that he organize his own sober meet up involving any of the activities he appreciates.
With all my awesome brothers, obviously all I ever wanted for Christmas was a sister. Just a reminder that (as a sibling and female) there is ZERO guarantee that just by having a sister you would have better perspective on your situation, intros to their great girlfriends, or even a person that you actually like in your life. Throwing this question out to the SRers is probably the best way to get a useful and honest answer to your particular situation. Bravo.
Don't worry. There are amazing young women out there in all surroundings who just do not drink. For many women and people in general it is a total non-issue. My suggestion is to make it your issue. Do not yield on your sobriety personally or in considering the relationship thing. Women find self-knowledge/possession and confidence supremely attractive.
Aside from being attracted to women who are wild and crazy, potential good mothers - think about what other qualities you appreciate (and those that you do not really like). This will help you immensely in the dating scene. Be open to meeting people who are involved in the activities that you like and stay honest to yourself and the need to be sober. An explanation as to why you do not drink is NOT necessary. If you are among groups of people often enough, word will get out that you are a great guy (first) and not a drinker (some time in there) and you will be introduced/set up with other great non-drinkers. You may unwittingly become the token non-drinker friend and have more introductions than you will know what to do with. You have to be in a place to put yourself out there in this capacity - this is all up to you and your readiness (and how you wish to put yourself out there).
How do I feel so confident for you just 2 months into my own committed sobriety (and as a happily married woman)? One reason is this story: I paid for college by working at a bar which also happened to be a big social hub in the city. The majority of my dates, acquaintances and friends were substance users/abusers and before my husband and I started seriously dating I was about to be set-up on a blind date through a friend with this 'surprisingly normal and amazing guy' who did not drink. This friend of mine (who was a big pot head, boozer, socializer at the time - who also has a great big heart) went on and on and on about the myriad of ways this [non-drinking] guy and I would be perfect together. At the end of the monologue I was laughing and convinced that an intro would be really fun. Honestly, I was 23 at the time *all* I can remember thinking at that moment was that this 25 year old non-drinking guy must possess an extraordinary sense of self to be mingling sober, for whatever his reasons, amongst those hoodlums that I knew. Seriously.
As it turns out, my now-husband and I, who had been just friends for years, started dating more seriously and I never went on that blind date. The absolute truth is that I have often thought about that great sober guy. My own 20s were sprinkled with long periods of abstinence from alcohol for my own reasons. Now that I am committed to staying sober I definitely know that my drinking enabling environment thus far made it much more difficult for me to make the necessary decision and changes earlier in my life. I cannot and would not change the course of my life though.
The answers to our questions definitely come from within, but our environment often offers some of the best support for really good answers. Stay determined to making your environment the most supportive one you can.
All that being said. Are you into physical activity? I used to do women's sweep rowing in the spring/summer. Practices were 3 days a week at the bum-crack of dawn. Women and men practiced at the same time, alongside each other. Believe me when I tell you that this activity is really hard to do well with a hangover...people will get really PO'd with you slacking off. Rowing seems to have a high concentration of non-drinkers or non-issue drinkers. There are great beginner co-ed 'learn to row' activities in many parts of the country. Check this out
No matter what, it is great to do in general but especially if you want great intros to neat people.Hope this is somewhat helpful sisterly advice via lots of words
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
The idea that we "have to date" because our younger years are fleeting, and that this is what "everyone does" during their twenties and thirties is potentially destructive for people in early recovery, and a convenient distraction from getting sober and doing the necessary work on ourselves. It amounts to the same kind of thinking that tells us it's impossible to stop drinking during our youth because everyone else is doing it. That's just my opinion.
EndGameNYC - Your post is spot on and rings true; however, the 'intimacy vs. isolation' Erickson assessment of this stage of life is one I recall being a wicked potent motivator for decision making (both good, bad and unavoidable). At least in hindsight this was true for myself in my 20s. Youth serves us well socially if it does not go awry, I suppose is what I am getting it. Is there such a thing as 'youth in moderation'? And if so, who moderates other than peers, police and other trusted elders with regards to intimacy vs. isolation? This question is not intended as a hijack and I can take it elsewhere - it is a burning psychological (not my forté) question that comes up repeatedly when similar posts have appeared.
**Actually, Serper, I think you need to start writing a book right now with the subject and title of your post. Plan on publishing when you are 41 as a tell-all to everything you have learned
EGNYC - no need to reply...was vague to begin with.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Sobriety is obviously my priority, but I don't want to miss potential relationships because of it. You can say "well then it's not meant to be", but in all honesty I would take my last 3 relationships and being an alcoholic during them vs not having those relationships and being sober. I'm just a natural born lover at heart :P
Do you think you might want to re-evaluate your description of sobriety as "uptight boring and lame"? If you describe non-drinking girls that way, doesn't that mean you are that way, too, as a non-drinker?
Maybe what this is really all about is not non-drinking girls, but non-drinking you.
I drank through every relationship I had for decades. In recovery I learned that I liked being drunk because I was terrified of intimacy. Sobriety presents itself as life without the blur and that is hard in the beginning, because we alcoholics of course like the blur. I blurred my way through intimacy.
I wouldn't worry about telling girls you don't drink. Most of the general public are not drinkers and don't care whether other people do or don't.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I guess I fit your target audience, not married/no kids, though I turned 31 this year, so sadly not in my 20s anymore 
When I read your post though, it seems like you’re putting far too much weight on alcohol being the centre of the social universe, sometimes I think because we have an addiction to the stuff, we constantly think about it, worry and stress over our lives falling short without it.
The reason why all of my first kisses and relationships had alcohol in them, was because I had a problem with alcohol, of course my first kiss was when I was probably hammered and I met my last few girlfriends in a bar, because I was out getting loaded, not because relationships only exist when alcohol is in the equation, but because I had an addiction to alcohol.
I think we need to relax, sure we may need to develop a few more social skills and work on our self confidence to go on a Sober date, but it can be done, I also think if we have a secure recovery plan a partner that drinks shouldn’t be a problem either, and if the day should come that I do find myself in a relationship “I don’t drink” should be sufficient on the first few dates.
I feel we’re cutting ourselves short by not realising there are soo many more activities to get involved in and meet people through that don’t involve alcohol.
I’d also add that my mum is teetotal and at the age of 62yrs old she has a partner, the relationship seems to work perfectly fine and they definitely didn’t meet in a bar/club!!
But as 20/30yr olds I think we need to get past our hang up over alcohol and socialising as if becoming Sober is going to restrict our lives, relationship opportunities, or social enjoyment, we need to develop a confidence to see that with every other part of life, Sobriety will have many benefits!!
When I read your post though, it seems like you’re putting far too much weight on alcohol being the centre of the social universe, sometimes I think because we have an addiction to the stuff, we constantly think about it, worry and stress over our lives falling short without it.
The reason why all of my first kisses and relationships had alcohol in them, was because I had a problem with alcohol, of course my first kiss was when I was probably hammered and I met my last few girlfriends in a bar, because I was out getting loaded, not because relationships only exist when alcohol is in the equation, but because I had an addiction to alcohol.
I think we need to relax, sure we may need to develop a few more social skills and work on our self confidence to go on a Sober date, but it can be done, I also think if we have a secure recovery plan a partner that drinks shouldn’t be a problem either, and if the day should come that I do find myself in a relationship “I don’t drink” should be sufficient on the first few dates.
I feel we’re cutting ourselves short by not realising there are soo many more activities to get involved in and meet people through that don’t involve alcohol.
I’d also add that my mum is teetotal and at the age of 62yrs old she has a partner, the relationship seems to work perfectly fine and they definitely didn’t meet in a bar/club!!
But as 20/30yr olds I think we need to get past our hang up over alcohol and socialising as if becoming Sober is going to restrict our lives, relationship opportunities, or social enjoyment, we need to develop a confidence to see that with every other part of life, Sobriety will have many benefits!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Congrats on 14 days, Serper!
I don't know why I find myself responding on so many threads about dating... I absolutely don't have the intention to get into that for a while (now ~ 5 months). I actually just decided on an at least temporary separation with my gf of ~3 years yesterday, but I have the feeling it will turn into permanent. I say I don't want to date for a while not because I feel particularly unstable or damaged now, or I don't think I would be good company... but because I don't want a new turbulent experience to cause me become too unstable with all the possible consequences. Also, so many interesting things to do setting up a new lifestyle, prefer to take the time for that for a while.
So I guess I respond because I have opinions - I'm quite interested in relationships, why and how we get attracted to others, interpersonal compatibility, and how to make it work, in general. And I understand people bringing up these topics often, because I do like 1:1 relationships myself, all kinds that are mutually fulfilling. I totally get that people crave that sort of connection, young or not that young. But yeah, it's only really good if the parties involved have reasonably healthy self imagine, emotional stability, and ability to form a team with someone else. And adaptability, tolerance, willingness to compromise, etc etc.
I dated plenty sober in my 20's, alcohol wasn't much of a problem for me back then except the occasional binges, which tended to be more excessive than normal youthful drinking, but actually none of my partners were problem drinkers or excessive drinkers back then, I even only had one relationship with someone else with a drinking problem in my 30's. I actually sort of preferred sober dates and activities often, my alcohol problem was mainly a lone thing, again, except one guy. So I do not anticipate this as a problem for me in the future, but we'll see when the time comes.
Do you have social anxiety around dating, Serper? If you do, it's totally "normal" that you are afraid of doing it sober if alcohol helped you in the past. So maybe instead of choosing a date / partner quickly, take your time to get to know women quite well as friends first, and then decide on dating someone you feel very comfortable with and have a natural, effortless connection with. That way you might be actually quite interested in doing it with a clear mind.
I would absolutely tell a more serious, trusted partner about my recovery (it's a big part of me and my decisions) but maybe not that much about the gory details of my past drinking, except if the other is also in recovery and likes to share with me. I would not tell them on a first date or even first few, again if wasn't recovery that brought us together. It's really not necessary if it turns out just a shorter term affair, for example. I really like the idea of no boundaries in getting to know each-other with a serious intimate partner, so for me I can't imagine never telling in such a situation. We also usually feel how open-minded someone else is, no? And how much they are able to accept things? I would not expect my partner to bee too interested in recovery, though, if they are not in it themselves.
For me the way I see it now, I would definitely prefer dating a non-drinker, not just because I would be afraid of triggers, but also because I don't like the idea of limiting someone else, even if I don't limit their drinking per se but they feel awkward wanting to drink sometimes and need to do it alone. I can imagine this might change in the future, though. But definitely no way to date a heavy drinker or a person who prefers alcohol as part of intimacy and shared activities over sober quality time.
It's your call, Serper, but if I can suggest something, I suggest that you focus on yourself and your recovery plus making friends for a while rather than jumping into the dating scene. I do like that phrase about "sharing the unmanageable life" because I have been there when I had a several years long relationship with another active alcoholic. It was indeed unmanageable, to say the least, and an addiction on its own. Relationships should not be obsession when healthy!
I don't know why I find myself responding on so many threads about dating... I absolutely don't have the intention to get into that for a while (now ~ 5 months). I actually just decided on an at least temporary separation with my gf of ~3 years yesterday, but I have the feeling it will turn into permanent. I say I don't want to date for a while not because I feel particularly unstable or damaged now, or I don't think I would be good company... but because I don't want a new turbulent experience to cause me become too unstable with all the possible consequences. Also, so many interesting things to do setting up a new lifestyle, prefer to take the time for that for a while.
So I guess I respond because I have opinions - I'm quite interested in relationships, why and how we get attracted to others, interpersonal compatibility, and how to make it work, in general. And I understand people bringing up these topics often, because I do like 1:1 relationships myself, all kinds that are mutually fulfilling. I totally get that people crave that sort of connection, young or not that young. But yeah, it's only really good if the parties involved have reasonably healthy self imagine, emotional stability, and ability to form a team with someone else. And adaptability, tolerance, willingness to compromise, etc etc.
I dated plenty sober in my 20's, alcohol wasn't much of a problem for me back then except the occasional binges, which tended to be more excessive than normal youthful drinking, but actually none of my partners were problem drinkers or excessive drinkers back then, I even only had one relationship with someone else with a drinking problem in my 30's. I actually sort of preferred sober dates and activities often, my alcohol problem was mainly a lone thing, again, except one guy. So I do not anticipate this as a problem for me in the future, but we'll see when the time comes.
Do you have social anxiety around dating, Serper? If you do, it's totally "normal" that you are afraid of doing it sober if alcohol helped you in the past. So maybe instead of choosing a date / partner quickly, take your time to get to know women quite well as friends first, and then decide on dating someone you feel very comfortable with and have a natural, effortless connection with. That way you might be actually quite interested in doing it with a clear mind.
I would absolutely tell a more serious, trusted partner about my recovery (it's a big part of me and my decisions) but maybe not that much about the gory details of my past drinking, except if the other is also in recovery and likes to share with me. I would not tell them on a first date or even first few, again if wasn't recovery that brought us together. It's really not necessary if it turns out just a shorter term affair, for example. I really like the idea of no boundaries in getting to know each-other with a serious intimate partner, so for me I can't imagine never telling in such a situation. We also usually feel how open-minded someone else is, no? And how much they are able to accept things? I would not expect my partner to bee too interested in recovery, though, if they are not in it themselves.
For me the way I see it now, I would definitely prefer dating a non-drinker, not just because I would be afraid of triggers, but also because I don't like the idea of limiting someone else, even if I don't limit their drinking per se but they feel awkward wanting to drink sometimes and need to do it alone. I can imagine this might change in the future, though. But definitely no way to date a heavy drinker or a person who prefers alcohol as part of intimacy and shared activities over sober quality time.
It's your call, Serper, but if I can suggest something, I suggest that you focus on yourself and your recovery plus making friends for a while rather than jumping into the dating scene. I do like that phrase about "sharing the unmanageable life" because I have been there when I had a several years long relationship with another active alcoholic. It was indeed unmanageable, to say the least, and an addiction on its own. Relationships should not be obsession when healthy!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 526
part of recovery is getting out of your comfort zone.. WITHOUT being intoxicated.
you have to realize that people go on dates, put out fires, save lives without a drink.
they get nervous, they surely have emotions, but it doesn't call for drinking. so if you have to learn from day 1 how to date on sober terms, then accept it as part of your challenge.
as far as when to tell the girl that you don't drink it's up to you... you don't have to proclaim that you are a recovering alcoholic. you prefer a healthy lifestyle and alcohol is not part of your life (is it?). there are a lot of people who don't drink for reasons other than alcoholism.
overall i'd say try to not over-think it too much...
you have to realize that people go on dates, put out fires, save lives without a drink.
they get nervous, they surely have emotions, but it doesn't call for drinking. so if you have to learn from day 1 how to date on sober terms, then accept it as part of your challenge.
as far as when to tell the girl that you don't drink it's up to you... you don't have to proclaim that you are a recovering alcoholic. you prefer a healthy lifestyle and alcohol is not part of your life (is it?). there are a lot of people who don't drink for reasons other than alcoholism.
overall i'd say try to not over-think it too much...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Oh, and there are also plenty of ways to be a bit "crazy" and unconventional in a relationship, in good and interesting ways, other than drinking or drugs. I've certainly done some of that in my life I call it exploring and experimenting.
I call it exploring and experimenting.
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