girlfriends out of control on crack and heroin
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: keighley west yorkshire
Posts: 5
girlfriends out of control on crack and heroin
hi everyone im in need of some advice from some of you whove been in the same situation.
Iv been with my girlfriend for 3 1/2 years i found out she was a user after we were together about 2 months, shes been using differnt drugs from a her mid to late teens, all the drugs from weed, pills, coke (which ruined her teeth) now shes has been using crack and heroin for the last 5 or 6 years. We were both unemplyed when we met but she managed to get a job with her grans help (which she still has supprisingly) about 5 pr 6 months after getting her job she decided she was going to go clean and she did for 6 months then she went back to using, she was using every day even though shes on methadone things went on like this untill 2 years ago when my dad died and i ended up moving in with her i had already been funding her addiction not out of choice i belived her lies, when i got a job things got well out of control she was blowing over 1000 a month on it which put pressure on our relationship and it ended up getting violent when i got sacked 6 months later because of her pestering my boss to give me advances on my wage. Then back on the dole things carried on been a hell which i had no way out of untill she lost her flat 2 years ago and i got one of my own but she still had control of all the money (i tried to walk away but she made me come back even using force) and she moved in with her gran to help her get clean but it didnt. i got a good well paid job 13 months ago and she went off the rails using more and more ended up getting loads of payday loans in both our names and we are both in several thousnd in debt. Now im in a bad bedsit after sofa surfing since i lost my flat things got so bad i couldnt eat i had no money for food. Last month i made a stand after she assaulted me at my work because i was a victim of debit card fraud and we broke up with the help of the police who saw the relationship was just abuse. Well last week she came back to me saying she was clean and turning her life around which iv found was a lie and 4 days ago her gran threw her out because shed stolen her credit card, now shes living with me to keep her job and everythings going back to the bad days shes spent all my savings.
I know most of you will say run, throw her out, im a fool and just ask why? Well even after everything i know theres a good person in there somwhere the woman i fell in love with
what can i do to help her go clean or do i just turn my back on my christian feelings and give up has anyone been in the same situation?
Iv been with my girlfriend for 3 1/2 years i found out she was a user after we were together about 2 months, shes been using differnt drugs from a her mid to late teens, all the drugs from weed, pills, coke (which ruined her teeth) now shes has been using crack and heroin for the last 5 or 6 years. We were both unemplyed when we met but she managed to get a job with her grans help (which she still has supprisingly) about 5 pr 6 months after getting her job she decided she was going to go clean and she did for 6 months then she went back to using, she was using every day even though shes on methadone things went on like this untill 2 years ago when my dad died and i ended up moving in with her i had already been funding her addiction not out of choice i belived her lies, when i got a job things got well out of control she was blowing over 1000 a month on it which put pressure on our relationship and it ended up getting violent when i got sacked 6 months later because of her pestering my boss to give me advances on my wage. Then back on the dole things carried on been a hell which i had no way out of untill she lost her flat 2 years ago and i got one of my own but she still had control of all the money (i tried to walk away but she made me come back even using force) and she moved in with her gran to help her get clean but it didnt. i got a good well paid job 13 months ago and she went off the rails using more and more ended up getting loads of payday loans in both our names and we are both in several thousnd in debt. Now im in a bad bedsit after sofa surfing since i lost my flat things got so bad i couldnt eat i had no money for food. Last month i made a stand after she assaulted me at my work because i was a victim of debit card fraud and we broke up with the help of the police who saw the relationship was just abuse. Well last week she came back to me saying she was clean and turning her life around which iv found was a lie and 4 days ago her gran threw her out because shed stolen her credit card, now shes living with me to keep her job and everythings going back to the bad days shes spent all my savings.
I know most of you will say run, throw her out, im a fool and just ask why? Well even after everything i know theres a good person in there somwhere the woman i fell in love with
what can i do to help her go clean or do i just turn my back on my christian feelings and give up has anyone been in the same situation?
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Bromley
Posts: 9
Hi,
I'm kind of going through the same but not the financial bit and it's my partner he's addicted to coke I get all the lies and it tears the relationship apart. The advice I got from here was walk away why should you have to get dragged down with him? I get told he will change ect and he did for a while then quickly fell back to drugs as recent as Thursday. Have you tried taking her to see a councillor? They are really understandable and don't judge they just want to help. It's so hard because we see loved ones ruining their life's and it starts to affect us we know deep down we need to walk away and if they want to they will get clean by themselves we can't force them to do it unfortunately and it breaks our hearts seeing them destroy their life's. If you stay it will be hard and she may not change even but if you have had enough you know what to do.
I'm kind of going through the same but not the financial bit and it's my partner he's addicted to coke I get all the lies and it tears the relationship apart. The advice I got from here was walk away why should you have to get dragged down with him? I get told he will change ect and he did for a while then quickly fell back to drugs as recent as Thursday. Have you tried taking her to see a councillor? They are really understandable and don't judge they just want to help. It's so hard because we see loved ones ruining their life's and it starts to affect us we know deep down we need to walk away and if they want to they will get clean by themselves we can't force them to do it unfortunately and it breaks our hearts seeing them destroy their life's. If you stay it will be hard and she may not change even but if you have had enough you know what to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: keighley west yorkshire
Posts: 5
hi leggyyloo i just posted something on your post, thenks for your reply my biggest problem is i know they can do it but i know she wont change i need to get my life back i guess i was looking for somone who had some success doing what id beeen trying but i know deep down if she wanted to go clean she would i guess like your bf theyll realise what theyve lost when theyve got nothing left. out of care, respect, knowing she cant get anyhwhere to stay untill she gets payed next month and been christian (the good samaritan and all that) ill give her a roof over her head and feed her
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Freddy,
Welcome to the Board from across the pond.
To say you're in a bit of a spot would be an understatement. So, let's cut to the chase:
You're not a fool. What are you doing is seriously underestimating what you're dealing with. And in that regard, you're not alone on the Board. My first (and last) experience with dealing with an addicted girlfriend is not that dissimilar to your current thought process -- i.e. "there's a good person in there somewhere the woman I fell in love with".
You can't help her get clean. There is nothing you can do. The only way that she will ever get clean is if she decides to stop doing crack and smack. And until she decides to stop, and follow that decision up with treatment, then she will continue to make your life hell 24/7/365. You will continue to be the target of her abuse. Your finances will continue to be in the sh*tter. So the question then becomes can you afford another 5/6 years of unabated madness? Chances are you already know the answer to that question, otherwise you would not have come to us.
Other members will be along to greet you and share with you their experiences, and offer you encouragement during what I know is an awful time for you. But I will leave you with this.
As a Christian, you will soon arrive at the realization that the only one that can help your AGF is God. She is beyond your, and anyone's, reach. Only God can help her at this very moment. But until she turns to Him, He's going to stay out of the way. See, God gave us the gift of free will, and with that gift comes the burden of choice. And all you have to do is look at what you AGF has done with that gift. She, and she alone, must bear the consequences for her decisions. And I'm of the opinion that God did not put you on this earth to watch you go down in flames with someone who has decided to self destruct. You have choices, Freddy, so take advantage of your time here so you can make the best choices for you.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board from across the pond.
To say you're in a bit of a spot would be an understatement. So, let's cut to the chase:
I know most of you will say run, throw her out, im a fool and just ask why? Well even after everything i know theres a good person in there somwhere the woman i fell in love with
what can i do to help her go clean or do i just turn my back on my christian feelings and give up has anyone been in the same situation?
Other members will be along to greet you and share with you their experiences, and offer you encouragement during what I know is an awful time for you. But I will leave you with this.
As a Christian, you will soon arrive at the realization that the only one that can help your AGF is God. She is beyond your, and anyone's, reach. Only God can help her at this very moment. But until she turns to Him, He's going to stay out of the way. See, God gave us the gift of free will, and with that gift comes the burden of choice. And all you have to do is look at what you AGF has done with that gift. She, and she alone, must bear the consequences for her decisions. And I'm of the opinion that God did not put you on this earth to watch you go down in flames with someone who has decided to self destruct. You have choices, Freddy, so take advantage of your time here so you can make the best choices for you.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hmm, so she is a drug addict, assaults you, steals from her GRANDMOTHER, lies, cheats, steals, racked up thousands of dollars in debt, aided you in losing your job, your flat...........
I know you WANT to help, but I don't think it's working so well my friend.
SAVE YOURSELF.
I know you WANT to help, but I don't think it's working so well my friend.
SAVE YOURSELF.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Welcome FreddyB. Truth is as Zoso says, only she can help herself. You cannot help or save her. All these things she is doing is not only hurting her but those who love her.
At some point you need to ask yourself when are you going to save YOU?
Enabling her only helps her continue her addiction.
You will never control her. Might be time to reevaluate the relationship. Just because there is a decent girl in there it doesn't mean she is even close to ready to come out.
How much more are you willing to lose?
At some point you need to ask yourself when are you going to save YOU?
Enabling her only helps her continue her addiction.
You will never control her. Might be time to reevaluate the relationship. Just because there is a decent girl in there it doesn't mean she is even close to ready to come out.
How much more are you willing to lose?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Welcome to Sr, freddyb, but I'm sorry for what has brought you here. Someone on this board once told me that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You've gotten some great advice from people who know exactly what you're going through. Living and loving an addict brings total chaos and craziness into our lives. It takes a physical, mental and emotional toll on you that could take a very long time to recover from.
Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like she wants to stop using drugs. She wants to keep things the way they are and gets upset if you try to change things. If she was serious about maintaining her sobriety, she would be working some type of program. I realized that even though I couldn't control if my loved one wanted to use drugs, I could control my participation in this drama. I chose to let go and let God take over. It took me a long time to come to that decision. But now, I have a lot of peace in my life. I look back and think "Wow, I can't believe I lived like that for so long." Being in love with the possibility of who they may be in the future (or who they were in the past) is a way of avoiding the present. It's a way of not dealing with present and who they are showing us to be now. Don't base your decisions on what she says, base them on what she does.
If the police are starting to get involved, document everything for your protection. Would you consider going some time with no contact from her? No calls, no texts, no interaction whatsoever. FOG stands for fear, obligation and guilt, things an addict knows full well will keep many of us from walking away. Perhaps if you maintain your distance from her, the FOG will start to lift and you may see things more clearly. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you continue coming back. You'll find a lot of support here.
Hugs
Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like she wants to stop using drugs. She wants to keep things the way they are and gets upset if you try to change things. If she was serious about maintaining her sobriety, she would be working some type of program. I realized that even though I couldn't control if my loved one wanted to use drugs, I could control my participation in this drama. I chose to let go and let God take over. It took me a long time to come to that decision. But now, I have a lot of peace in my life. I look back and think "Wow, I can't believe I lived like that for so long." Being in love with the possibility of who they may be in the future (or who they were in the past) is a way of avoiding the present. It's a way of not dealing with present and who they are showing us to be now. Don't base your decisions on what she says, base them on what she does.
If the police are starting to get involved, document everything for your protection. Would you consider going some time with no contact from her? No calls, no texts, no interaction whatsoever. FOG stands for fear, obligation and guilt, things an addict knows full well will keep many of us from walking away. Perhaps if you maintain your distance from her, the FOG will start to lift and you may see things more clearly. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you continue coming back. You'll find a lot of support here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Just because there is a decent girl in there it doesn't mean she is even close to ready to come out.
How much more are you willing to lose?
that so totally bears repeating. one of the most profound statements I've seen here!
How much more are you willing to lose?
that so totally bears repeating. one of the most profound statements I've seen here!
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