Lorelai

I went out to the garage the other night and looked at my AH passed out in the chair. Of course, I've done this a few hundred thousand times before but this was different.

I thought, "It is unacceptable to have someone living in my home who is drunk everyday."

Now, I guess that most people would take that as a given. It wouldn't be some big realization. It's kind of creepy that it was such a new thought for me.

I wasn't mad or upset. I just realized that regardless of love, regardless of finances, regardless of how sorry I feel for him: "It is unacceptable to have someone living in my home who is drunk everyday." Period.

For some people, it may be acceptable. For me it's not and it's OK for me to feel that way.

What a long road I have taken to be able to say that, mean it and understand it. How strange that it seems like such an easy thing to grasp now.
L

Ann

Lorelie

There is a saying in this program..."More will be revealed", and it's true that as we work away at clearing our vision, what was right before our eyes becomes obvious.

I love those moments, when the lightbulb goes off and we say "aha" and KNOW that we KNOW what we KNOW. How freeing it is!!!

What you decide to do with this new freedom is entirely up to you, but it is nice to know that whatever you choose will be done with clarity and strength.

Hugs
Ann

JT

Hi...there is a peace in those moments, as well. You know you don't have to DO anything right away but it can be life changing!

Hugs,
JT

Lorelai

Yes, JT. I know I don't have to do anything right away. However, I'm going to do something.

As you and I well know, life goes on. I'm tired of settling.
L

Gabe

Wow Lorelai, look at you grow. Isn't it amazing when you get to the next good place? Clarity comes when we make room and allow it in.

StandingStrong

Ahhh...clarity. That's what you call that moment.
I had what I call a very eerie moment back in January! It was the strangest thing that had happened to me. It was in that very moment when I realized that I was no willing to accept things the way they were, that I wanted my life back, and that I was done living my life the way that I had been living it.
There is a sense of peace now that I can't even begin to explain (as JT mentioned).
This is a new beginning for you - another step that you have taken on your journey - and I can only hope that you realize what wonderful progress you are making!

Dazimae

I love this thread, I too have been here several times mostley when he is laying in bed most of the day so I can not clean,or get cleaned in there.
But what baffels me is the feeling of sickness that comes with that eye opening.. and the thought of EEEWWW I do not want him to touch me again.... is our eye opening a start of our recovery or way out?

myselfagain

That feeling of sickness came for me a several years ago. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying for the children. No beatings or abuse of any kind, just him loving that bottle. He would admit that he had a problem but he was not ready to do anything about it. He told me I'd just have wait it out. I got tired of waiting for him to figure it out. Told him several times that he was losing me. Now he is out, living on his own, sober from what he tells me. It is a lot nicer around the house in the evening now. No drunk person lounging around passing out where ever. I found peace within myself about the decision I had to make. I found that I could not just settle for what I had anymore. Things are looking better each day. Good luck to everyone.

Lorelai

Oh yeah. I've had that feeling of loathing when he's drunk - where I don't want him anywhere near me. Of course, when he's not so wasted, that feeling sort of went away.

This realization is completely different from that feeling for me. I'm not angry or sad or disgusted. It really has nothing to do with him at all.

I just understand that I have not only a right but a responsibility to not accept the unacceptable. Pretending, wishing and hoping doesn't make something so. This is my life and I have the right to choose who and what I want in my life. It's important that I make these choices because my life is just as important as anyone else's life.

This realization doesn't make me hopeless or sad. It gives me strength and determination.

Don't know if this makes sense. I'm still rattling it around in my head.
L

paula a.

It makes perfect sense Lorelai, how I long to be where you are.
Paula

Lorelai

You're sweet Paula.

This whole thing would be much easier if there was a road map with big "You Are Here" stickers on it. Maybe I could quit asking "Are we there yet?"

L

Magichappens

Lorelai,
You have come a long way in a short time. You didn't make any knee-jerk decisions. You have let the program work in your life. You have waited for answers. As you grow and change, the decisions you will make and are making will put you in a better place. I know you are a strong person with a good heart. You have my love and support in whatever you decide. Hugs, Magic

Lorelai

Magic -
Thanks for the kind words. Your name really makes sense to me now. It really is like magic, isn't it?

Thanks for being there for me. You're one of the first people I "met" here and you have always been a source of strength for me.
L

paula a.

Lorelai, I think you just gave me a new signature line!