sisters5

My sister P is hitting rock bottom. Has been out of work for SEVEN years and is finally out of money. She came to my house on her way to stay with my brother who has recently had a stroke. His wife said she could not come because her plate is full! I told her she could stay at my house for the night but after that she had to go to social services. She proceeded to argue with me and call me a miserable Bitch! At that point…..for the first time EVER….I turned her away. I told her to get out of my house. She is now out of money, can't pay her rent and has no where to go. I have no idea what she will do now. This HAS TO BE BOTTOM! I can't continue to enable her and should have stopped LONG AGO. She went back to her packed up apartment. I don't know what she will do now. I know if she came here it would ruin my marriage and my own mental health. How do people walk away? I'm worried sick she will kill herself but I can't keep doing this to my self or my family. Am I doing the right thing????

searching peace

You are a very strong person! You did the right thing. It will take your sister hitting bottom to stand up and begin to take responsibility for herself and her actions. You
Did not cause this, cannot control it and cannot cure it!
I'm sure this is extremely difficult for you. But you are doing the right thing. She is a grown woman and will learn to provide for herself or she won't. But she needs to be accountable for her own actions. You did the kindest thing possible for her.

sisters5

That's just it…..she is STILL taking no ACCOUNTABILITY!!! She is STILL blaming all of us for her situation. She is saying none of us are helping her. We have paid her mortgage. When her house was sold my brother who is a lawyer did the closing and I went to sign the documents as her power of attorney. She has blown through all the proceeds. Two weeks ago she was in the hospital. I went and spent two days with her. I filled her refrigerator with groceries and did all her laundry. I left her with money. Even when I kicked her out of my house on Friday I gave her 60 bucks before she left to get food. I just can't believe this is happening to someone in my family!!!! My parents would be so incredibly disappointed if they were alive to see this!

AnvilheadII

How do people walk away?

you aren't walking away. you just said NO. that's what adults do, have the right to refuse or decline. this other "adult" known as your sister has managed to leech off of others for SEVEN years....7 years without a job???

if I don't pay my mortgage, nobody else will.
if I don't pay my bills, nobody else will.
if I don't do my laundry, it doesn't get done.
if I don't go shop for groceries, they don't magically appear in my fridge and cupboards.
nobody GIVES me money. I have to earn it.

she'll either sink or swim. let her.

sisters5

I'm so afraid she will sink…..into a grave. My other siblings and I are on the same page but are all convinced she is going to die. My brother who had the stroke is angry at his wife because she said my sister could not go there. Her plate is full. I don't know that my brother understands that. We are most concerned with what this stress will do to his medical condition. Yet, my sister is still consumed with HERSELF. We are all evil by not taking her in. If she dies…….are we all to blame for leaving her out in the cold?????

AnvilheadII

just as when your brother had a stroke and you couldn't stop that or fix it, you also cannot stop or fix your sister's affliction. you've all TRIED.

she put herself out in the cold. and she guilts others into taking care of her, so she does not have to do so herself.

her life. her choices.

sisters5

I just wish it were all that easy. I actually felt NOTHING when I asked her to leave. That is a HUGE step for me. Even through the weekend I went on with my life like nothing happened. I wish I could cry about this but I think all my emotions have been spent! I fear someone will find her dead and I know if they do I will feel terribly guilty but in my heart I know I did the right thing. I would be disgusted if my own children acted the way she is acting. I need to treat her the way I would treat them~~~

Recovering2

Your sister is an adult, and has the right to make her own choices. Even the wrong choices. choices come with consequences. As Anvilhead said, if I don't pay my bills no one is paying them for me. I am an adult, I am responsible for my bills.

A's are great manipulators, and can find ways to guilt those who love them into enabling their disease. But as long as we continue to throw a net under them, they never have to face bottom. In the end, we haven't helped them at all. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is detach, and allow them to follow their path. I had to do this with my brother.

Are any of you in AlAnon? If not, that would be my best suggestion to help you figure this out. LOTS of great experience, strength, and hope in those meetings.

sisters5

Did your brother hit rock bottom? Did he pull himself up? I'm so afraid her rock bottom will be death.

hopeful4

It's a sad fact that for some, there is no rock bottom. That it is death.

There is not a single thing you can do about that except pray for her and do not enable her.

Until she sees that her life has spun out of control, and actually decides she is responsible and wants to do something about it, it won't change a bit.

I am so very sorry.

worriedinok

I'm so sorry. I know what you mean. I have an AD with a baby. I am getting to the point of not "enabling". It is hard. I can't offer advice, but hang in there. Hugs!

searching peace

I do not know if you are a religious person. But, I feel none of us has control over the ultimate time of our death. There is a higher power, in my opinion. We can be a very defensive driver and very cautious when driving. But we have no control over the other person that hits our car and kills us or someone else in the car or themselves. You do NOT have control over your sisters death. It has been her decision to have her life this way. You and your entire family have tried your best in the only ways you knew how to, trying to help her. She has to help herself now. People learn who they are and what they are made of when forced to do these things for themselves. Try and remember "this is life, no one makes it out alive"
Try and let go and put some distance between yourself and the situation. If your sister ever becomes healthy, she will thank you for doing what you are. And your parents would not want the rest if you to suffer or be in harms way because of her. They did not choose to have her as their child and only choose to have y'all as a way for her to be taken care of no matter what her actions. You were all chosen by your parents and as a parent, I can say without a doubt I would never expect or want two of my children to sacrifice their own lives for the other one.

Hawkeye13

What hopeful said is true, but it is also true that some people,
when they no longer can get a "free ride" from friends and family with their addiction,
truly do get it together and turn things around for themselves.

Many people change radically for the better and embrace recovery.
But only they can choose to do that.
Continuing to "help" your sister will never give her the opportunity to take care of herself.

That's why you should step away, even though she may fail.
She deserves the chance to find her own healing and you all can't
give it to her however much you love her.

I was an alcoholic and I made this choice.
I wasn't going to quit drinking until I was ready, whatever my family said.

Do step away and begin working your own recovery, but never give up hope.

sisters5

I'm so happy for you Hawkeye13! Do you feel as though mental illness is playing a part in all of this? If so, is it still OK to walk away. She used to be a strong independent person but has always showed signs of depression. Even if it is complicated by depression, I still can't force her to get help. She has so many issues now that I don't know or see how she can rise above it.

Hawkeye13

Well, I'm not a doctor so don't know about advice concerning mental illness,
but I can tell you I have been depressed most of my life and came from
a very troubled alcoholic home so I self-medicated with alcohol as well.

The serious drinking made depression, as well as self-loathing, paranoia and insomnia much worse.
Stopping was especially hard at first due to that, but I had dug myself into a hole and
I knew I was the only one who could get me out.

That "back against the wall" was very effective for me. My drinking was beginning
to threaten my job and was already threatening my marriage and physical health quite
a lot and I had to either give up or get going with recovery.

All of those issues really have mostly resolved themselves with sobriety, though it took
time and hard work. I still have some depression but do not choose to medicate for it.
I exercise and have yoga / meditation practices which help, and recently a little more talk therapy
as I go back to work on some childhood issues which led to me choosing to drink.

I'm not saying she won't get worse--that could very well happen because she will want
to "force" you to rescue her again. All I'm suggesting is that nothing will change except
her getting slowly worse and worse if you, the family, keeps "saving" her.

And it sounds like it has cost all of you heavily already and that you are near the end
of you ability to deal with this. Family is important, but I think she is abusing your good
will with her addiction. Addicts do that--it isn't personal, but at some point you do have
to let her deal with her own consequences.

Mental health issues make it harder, but there are professionals she can work with if she
truly wants to get better. If she isn't done drinking, she may not choose it. That is why
you, the family, needs to really focus on your own recovery because it is harming you
more than you realize.

She is pulling your emotional strings to keep drinking, and you are letting her.

That really needs to stop, don't you think?

hopeful4

I try to remember with anyone with issues, if they be addiction, money problems, whatever; there is a big difference between encouragement and enabling.

While I will always encourage those I care about to do what is right for them, I have come to realize I cannot make anyone do anything and that by my rescuing over and over I am taking away consequences they need to be able to learn to help themselves.

It's very hard when it is someone you love so much, but without consequences they have no chance of recovery at all.

XXX

sisters5

Still haven't heard a word from her since Friday. At what point should I start to worry and make contact with her?

Hawkeye13

I wouldn't make contact with her.
She has your phone number, doesn't she?

She's (possibly) trying to gain the upper hand by having you be the supplicant.

If you are always the one who reaches out, try changing the equation by not calling.

findanotherway

Sisters5, what does it hurt to make contact with her? You can still maintain your boundaries while speaking with her. You don't have to cut her off in order to create or maintain healthy boundaries.

Have you heard about CRAFT? It sounds like you're not really ready or willing to completely cut her off, and you don't want to wait around and watch her "hit bottom" if that bottom is something deadly. So, why should you? CRAFT is a way of staying engaged while maintaining boundaries and helping get your sister into treatment.

You can check out the 20 Minute Guide (you'll have to google it, I can't post links yet), which has a version for parents and for partners (nothing for siblings specifically, but the partners one is pretty close to what you want) which will give you a bunch of alternative ways to look at this and to engage with her.

There is hope out there.

SparkleKitty

Two different questions. Worrying will not do you any good but you don't have any control over how you feel anyway. If contacting her will put your mind at ease, then go ahead, why not?

It may be a good idea, if you do, to keep your expectations in check. She may be furious with you. She may be sick. Everything may be fine. No matter what, your boundaries need to be strong if you are to continue to put your peace before her chaos. If you are not ready to reach out and maintain your healthy boundaries, then think twice before contacting her.

My goal was always to stop REACTING to everything without playing the whole tape forward. I used to seize upon the slightest concerns in order to keep the drama rolling forward because I had grown so comfortable in chaos I didn't believe I could function without it. Life is a lot more peaceful these days now that I have turned over my A's to their higher powers.