MamaCas

1) is the addict supposed to wait to make amends until his/her sponsors tells them to.

2) is the rehab counselor typically willing to counsel with the addicts family (I.e. Mother of his child) and the addict if the addict agrees to that?

3) is an addict in transitional living given the freedom to use their cell phone and leave for other things besides work at their discretion?

chicory

MamaCas,

I am sorry, but I have no idea. but surely someone will be along soon who can answer those for you.
You might try posting this in one of the other forums, like substance abuse?

Ann

The addict makes amends when the time is right for them. If they are working the 12 step program, they have a lot of steps and work to do before they reach that point in Steps 8 and 9.

Some do, some don't because they focus on getting the addict well and leave the family issues to be worked out once the addict has found his/her balance.

It depends on the rules of that particular transitional living place.

If you don't mind me saying, it sounds like you are questioning what he is telling you here, and your concerns are valid, but in the end, regardless of how it "usually" happens, it can be quite different for each person.

Have you tried any meetings for yourself? Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us here find our balance and focus on regaining our own balance and sanity. Maybe give them a try, I promise you will be glad you did.

Hugs

jason2

This might depend on the place. I'm quite sure that none of these things have to happen. Maybe you could call and ask.

MamaCas

Ann .. Thank you for your response. You're right. We are trying to determine what is true. My daughter is trying to figure out if she should let him back in their sons life.

needingabreak

Mama,
AS Ann stated it is each individual's time frame for when they are "ready."
As for the counseling part- many rehabs have family weekends to help teach the family about drug addiction, to bring the family together to learn many aspects of communication, dealing with the many different issues and to talk about our questions and concerns. Know that they all are different though.

Sober houses, from what I know of them, are to "house" the addict. They have different rules in each place but the addict usually has meetings and counseling sessions to attend outside the sober living home. They keep an eye on them and will drug trust them if they feel something may be amiss. You can call and talk with a director there about your concerns and they will address them as best they can.

MamaCas

Thank you! My daughter just doesn't know how to proceed. She has so much anger from all he's done to her over the last year and a little resentment that she's been left to raise their baby alone. Please don't misunderstand, she adores that child but still, it's hard for her that she's doing everything (financially, emotionally, physically) and the "father" just texts when he wants to see his son. To compound matters, the "father's" mother is VERY pushy, manipulating, etc and tries to fight most of his battles for him.

Obviously his sobriety is the key to seeing his son. So, if she's never around him and has no trust in anything he says how is she supposed to determine that he can see his son? I just don't know. I DO NOT want to get back into investigating his every move but how else do you know it's safe to put him in his baby's life? I am trying to stay out of it...or maybe I'm not???...posting on here is just a way for me to work through my thoughts/feelings.

Bottom line is: he's not been sober long enough ... 52 days ... while I think he's probably still living at the sober living facility he still hasn't found a job, and has active warrants. I guess maybe I just answered my own questions?? That's how you know ...

hopeful4

Watch his actions over the long term. 52 days is nothing. My X husband relapsed after a year sober. I should have recognized it b/c he was just a dry drunk during that time. Unfortunately I was not educated enough to spot that, even if I was I wanted it to be so badly that I likely would not have let myself spot it anyways.

It sounds like she is doing the right thing. It is hard to do it yourself. However, she knew she was in a relationship with an addict. She learned what that means in the hardest way possible. I don't mean any disrespect saying that, I too did the same.

Good luck to all of you. Above all else, keep that sweet baby safe!

XXX

Raider

I am so jaded by my own alcoholism, my instinct would be, no you will not be in that Baby's life. Don't listen to me, apparently the lens I see through is the color of alcoholism.

MamaCas

Just wanted to clarify ... She did not know she was in a relationship with an addict until after she found out she was pregnant. He is a con man, and she was an naive young girl fresh out of college. He is VERY charming (aren't they all)? What we now know is he was just out of a rehab facility when they met and relapsed after he found out she was pregnant. He claimed to be a college graudate (lie), had a really good job with a marketing firm (lie), helped his poor mother with her mortgage because after 38 years of marriage his dad left her for another woman (lie about the mortgage/true about his dad). Never once mentioned he had been in rehab (twice) or was an addict. When my daugther found out she was pregnant, some church friends gave her a card with $1500 in it to help with her dr bills, etc. That next week the ex stole that money and all the problems began.

hopeful4

I see. How awful. My term for that class of a person is he is a Slick Willie. It sounds as though he is a very manipulative liar and thief even when sober. Be very very careful. I hope your daughter remains firm in her decision to stay away from him.

XXX

MamaCas

Now that I read what I wrote I realize I might actually be in denial about all that I don't want to be a hypocrite and accuse his parents of not facing reality if I'm not willing to do the same. What I should have said is ... she may have seen the signs that something shady was up but she was very taken by his charm. They only knew each other two months before she got pregnant. SO, I guess I will say she knew she was in a relationship with someone she didn't know very well and it was going to be a crap shoot as to if he'd be there for her and the baby. When I look back on it I really think he would have just walked away if I'd left it all alone! You see, I was told (by him) that his parents knew of the pregnancy and were excited to have a grandchild. Therefore, my daughter and I thought it was okay to talk to his mom about a baby shower ... it wasn't ... she had NO IDEA! I think if his mother had never found out my daughter could've gotten rid of him very easily. Yes, I got overly involved and for that I feel very guilty.

hopeful4

Don't blame yourself! It would be quite normal if someone tells you their family is excited for an upcoming baby to speak to them about a shower. It just shows who he is.

Don't feel guilty, it is just one more thing that contributed to a bad situation that you had no control of, and still don't.

XXX

Lily1918

I think he should have to go through the courts to see te baby, that's just my two cents though. That would take care of the warrants. I'm sorry if this is unwanted advice.

MamaCas

Thank you, Lily. Much appreciated advice! I think that's where we are headed.