Katie19872014

Hello,

Firstly I'll appologise for my ignorance, I know little about alcoholism but I'm having a tough time at the moment and really feel the need to share what I'm going through.

My boyfriend is not violent or aggressive, he gets up on time for work everyday and gets jobs done around the house (most of the time!), he's often more on top of the housework than me. He's romantic and attentive, tells me how beautiful I am, talks of our future together and buys me flowers now and then. He's funny and intelligent and great at his job.

BUT... he drinks a lot in my opinion. He says he always has and it helps him relax. He'll drink between 1 and 3 bottles of wine per night everynight and on the weekend he'll start drinking at midday and often won't stop until he passes out (spilling the remaining wine on himself or the sofa).

After 2-3 drinks it kicks in and he switches completely. He's like a different person and then I won't see the real him again until the next morning/afternoon when he's home from work.

At this point (after 2-3 drinks) he is horrid but as I said before never violent or aggressive. I may be being petty here but I can't stand his company at this point. He slurs his words, doesn't make sense, picks on me, my career choices and personality (and trys to get away with it by saying it's a joke and I need to relax). He switches from picking on and telling me that I don't really love him to being overly sexual, demanding sex and calling me explicit names (which he'll get away with by reminding me that I don't mind that in the bedroom). He can be very physical in the sense that he'll tickle me constantly till I leave the room, nibble on my arms and legs and pin me down kissing my neck and nibbling at me. I often get small bruises from this and from his teeth. The other phase he goes through is telling me how he misses his ex-wife or how he's planning to have sex with lots of other women (in graphic detail). The final stage before passing out is the philosophical phase where he's ponder about the purpose of life and how there's no point (getting quite depressive). All this time I'll just be trying to relax after a long day at work where I was looking forward to an evening cuddled on the sofa together. I really love him and want to help him but we've been together 2 and half years now and these nights where he's like this (up to 4 nights a week) are tiresome now. Sometimes he'll go a week or two without a night where he is that clearly drunk but then it always happens again.

Those are the nights in. There have been a few terrible and even dangerous nights out where he has been out and driven home or asked me to pick him up and I have gone to collect him but he's got into his own car, reversed into my car and then driven off home drunk! That happened about 8 weeks ago. He's also made a fool of himself in front of my friends and now I don't want him around my friends if there is alcohol involved.

We've spoke about it and I've told him that he is horrible when drunk and I won't spend anymore time with him while he's drunk, I can't be in the same room as him. I just don't know what to do for the best..... I'm feeling very lost and helpless.

Thanks for reading x

Justwantnormal

Welcome Katie …and sorry for what's brought you here Please don't apologize for 'ignorance', I'm glad you've not had to deal alcoholism in your life until now! There's a great 'sticky' on the board that talks about what abuse is, and what you've explained is certainly that. Abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, etc. Being in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic is simply awful, don't underestimate that (in other words, there's nothing petty about your complaints)! Alcoholism is a progressive disease… it will get worse. It sounds like you don't have children? If that's true, you have a lot of freedom to choose what's best for YOU. Glad you found us ~ there are a number of 'seasoned veterans' in this group that can offer great advice

lillamy

Hi Katie - I'm on my phone and can't type real well but I wanted to welcome you. And I also wanted to tell you that you sound really timid, as if you're not really sure if he has a problem or if you're just blowing things out of proportion.

Three bottles of wine a day is a consumption that made my chin drop. That's high consumption.

But what rings a bell about your story is that you're saying he's not violent or aggressive. But he is.

The tickling/nibbling that leaves you with bruises. The talking about having sex with other women. That's abusive behavior. You may not want to call it that, but I do.

I would like to say to you that your feelings are valid. When you're feeling uncomfortable with his drinking, you have every right to feel that way. There's nothing exaggerated or wrong about your feelings.

I'm glad you're here. We can be a rowdy bunch but we've got big hearts and lots of smarts and most if not all of us have been where you are. Wondering. Questioning. Fighting the invisible enemy that addiction is.

honeypig

Hi, Katie--yes, I'd say he has a problem. Let me emphasize that--HE has a problem.

As far as what you can do, that's kind of a 2-part answer. Regarding what you can do about HIS problem w/alcohol, the answer is simple: Nothing. Nothing at all. The only person who can change that is him, and it doesn't sound as if he has any interest in doing that at this point.

Regarding what you can do for yourself, you've made a good start already in coming here. The fact that you're reaching out for support and education about your situation shows that you know, in your heart, that this isn't what a healthy relationship should look like, EVER. And you're right about that.

I'd like to suggest that you read here as much as possible, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. Here are 2 threads you might want to look at first of all: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-abuse.html

I think as you read here, you'll find a lot of stories that resonate w/you, and you'll start to realize you're not alone and you do NOT have to live like this.

Second, I'd like to suggest checking out Alanon for some face-to-face support as well as us here online. Alanon is a great resource for those of us struggling w/a family member, friend or spouse w/an alcohol problem. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Again, welcome to SR. Please keep on posting w/any questions, comments, specific issues, whatever. As you learn more, you'll start to see your situation much differently. Wishing you strength and clarity.

rosepetals

I never saw hubby drink until our honeymoon. It's been downhill ever since. At first he hid it from me. Now it has progressed to a point I think perhaps it will take his life one day. If I were you, I would look for a way out. It's not worth being chained in a love fear type of relationship. Hugs.

leviathan

Yup. problem.

im telling you that from the "other side".

its likely he doesnt know what hes missing. now that ive been sober for the most consecutive days, SINCE I WAS 16, im noticing alot of the more subtle joys in life. just being with those i care about. it really doesnt matter what we are doing.

all i had to do is have a little patience.

I can say this from experience. i feared any kind of intervention from loved ones so much, that i developed a kind of radar that helped me actually steer conversations about my issue away, before they even started. i dreaded, DREADED any feedback about my drinking. -because, deep down, something inside me was screaming "YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!!" - i was so sick.

everyone, naturally, backed off. my moment of reality ended up being VERY harsh. it made a full scale, televised intervention look like a walk in the park. if a genie could take me back in time, i would say "Hell yeah! give me the intervention!"

one of the things that sets addiction apart from other diseases is that the sufferer avoids the cure. its very difficult to support those that dont seem to want any help from themselves, let alone others.

protect yourself. set up some rules. if he gets ticked (most likely) try to remind him your angle is making everyone's life better, not insulting his pride. -then, stick with your rules. i truly hope he comes around.

-maybe you could direct him to this site?! he can check out the newcomers section. and hey, no commitment!

Chelsea1029

Read the information on this site, it's very helpful. You are still fairly early in the relationship. Please really think about if you want to live your life this way. Life is short. I wish I had figured out how to get off the roller coaster before marriage and children.