ForgetfulKevin

Small town + internet = fishbowl.

People talk about me who never talk to me. I must be fascinating.

Any thoughts or advice in this area (feeling like the subject of gossip)?

Also, any ideas on how to nicely deflect overly personal or intrusive questions? I.E., something other than "none of your damn business" or harsh pirate language?

Thanks!

Taking5

Advice? Forget about it. What other people think of us is none of our business.

Johnston

Stay off Facebook and go for long walks.

Nonsensical

I'm doing great, thanks - are you getting a cold sore on your lip?

aasharon90

I'm not much into gossip as well. It is
ashame that I had to distance myself
if not divorcing myself from family and
friends just so I wont give them anything
to talk about.

Some people thrive on gossip and im no
exception at times, but in order to keep
my side of the street clean so to speak,
the less people know about me the better
I am with myself and recovery.

Isolation, yes, I am to a certain extent,
except when we go to Walmart and Lowes.
People are so glad to see us/me as I am
with them. Then I leave and don't see them
or hear from them till my next trip to the
store....lol

Happy, Joy, Free..!!!!

PurpleKnight

As Non suggested, best way to deflect a question is a short answer and then a question to them.

All small towns are similar, my home village has a few hundred people in it, I tend to avoid the shops where all the gossip happens and visit the shops in the nearby town, where I work, no one knows me there!!

MsJax

I feel gossip is one of the most harmful, hurtful agents on the planet. Be sure not to participate. Also, when people maliciously gossip, it says much more about them than about their subject. Always be your best & let it be.

ReadyAtLast

what others think of you is their business,not yours

Aellyce

It's called the art of diplomacy. I would say, think before you act/say something. Yes, short answers, but I would keep them neutral and no self-defensiveness (the latter is why it's important to think before acting). Talk to them calmly and confidently, in a non-temperamental way. Be honest and direct.

I've dealt with lots and lots of this, not necessarily in a small town, just human communities. It's because, like I'm sure many of us on this board relate, I've had a fair amount of unconventional interests/tendencies and secrets. Often, I find, people gossip because they are bored or insecure or both. Usually it comes in waves and people move on from a particular topic quickly.

Again, calm, friendly directness works better than aloofness because the latter is usually a sign of discomfort/anxiety.

Joe Nerv

We see what we focus on, and then it grows. Focus on the drama, and the drama will grow. Focus on the good, and the good will grow. The peace, and the peace... etc. straight down the line. The picture in Dee's signature (if it's still there) says a lot. I really believe that to be true.

I go to facebook a couple of times a week to check things for business purposes. We don't HAVE to go to facebook. I don't even know what Instagram is. I've never tweeted a thing in my life, and don't know a whole lot about that either. I'm actually realizing a lot lately that I have a bit of problem with this place, SR. I seem to be able to get easily caught up in BS, and it takes a lot of space in my brain. Decided today actually that I'm going to do my best to ask my HP where I can be of service, and that I be helped to only post out of love . We'll see how that goes.... . I quit SR last summer, and got a lot accomplished. Plan to do the same the last day of work this year also (I'm off for summer break).

I know people in AA that say it's full of drama, soap operas, gossip, etc. I'm not attached to any of that, and guess what. I don't even see it. I go there for recovery, and that's what I see. My focus is different than theirs.

I was once at a 5 day pagan festival called Starwood, and spoke with a very wise elderly woman. I was there to learn and grow spiritually, and to have a fun vacation. This woman said that people will get whatever it is they're looking for out of this event. Some come to party and get high, that's what they get. Some come for crazy sexual experience, that's what they get. Some come for spiritual reasons.... etc, etc, and on and on. What was super interesting to me about that was that I didn't even notice the other things going on. But once she said it, I opened my eyes differently, and she was absolutely right. There were lots of people partying. If I stayed up past midnight, there were lots of crazy other things going on. Was an awesome experience, and an awesome event.

Anyhow, yeah... I believe we get what we focus on. I've a feeling that if you figure out a way to switch your focus, the snoops and gossips will all start to slowly disappear.

Mountainmanbob

there is a small desert community we visit often
it seems that most all out there know all about everyone
I go to AA meetings out there
although we don't break each others anonymity
seems most all know who is sober or not in that town

remember - if ones are pointing the finger
they have three fingers pointing back at themselves
all have ups and downs
question for ourselves
do we pick up the ones who are down
or give them a kick or two ??

all we can and should do is
keep our side of the street clean


Anonymity, adjective "anonymous", is derived from the Greek word ἀνωνυμία, anonymia, meaning "without a name" or "namelessness". In colloquial use, "anonymous" is used to describe situations where the acting person's name is unknown.

Nowsthetime

Hello:

Everybody gossips. It is just part of human nature. Some do it more than others. Now just think of all the energy you are wasting worrying, thinking and dwelling on it. These people are out and about doing their thing and living while you consume yourself with the fact that they gossip about you. I understand how annoying it is though because people gossip about me too.

I completely agree with the previous posters. First thing: GET OFF FACEBOOK! I'm not going on a rant about it but there are a lot of reasons why. Now, to deflect the comments just try to keep cool and use general replies followed by a question. (I am giving you this advice because that is what I wish I could do.)

Oh yeah, I almost forgot: we MUST be fascinating.

Nuudawn

I am suddenly reminded of the time I spend in a teeny, tiny town way, way up North in Canada many moons ago. It was the very first time I heard the term "a friend of Bill W.". On bulletin boards around town there would be flyers bout meetings for the "Friends of Bill W.". I had to ask someone who Bill W. was...and why he had these cryptic notices about.

I lived there when internet was in its infancy. As it was...it was already a fishbowl without internet. I think the very nature of most small towns is gossip and folks discussing everybody else's business. I still have FB friends who live there. And it seems the most open, emotional updates seems to come from those friends.

I really have no words of wisdom...only empathy.
I too am of the mind to remove yourself from the inflammation that is Facebook in this situation.
As others have alluded to...what other people think..is there crapola. Not yours

I would imagine you at least have "anonymity" here at SR...and that's pretty golden.

Aellyce

I think very often external things (especially negative things) get to us more when they somehow click with something in our own minds that we are uncertain or insecure about, often not even consciously or clearly. Guilt is also a big trigger in my experience.

There is drama in every human community, I think that's part of normal human nature and life. The positive attitude is probably if we are able to make the switch, stop pushing it (even just mentally), and move on.

I've never used Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. The only conventional social media that I use (rarely) is Google+, initially because I found some cool discussions on it about some of my tech interests and met some people who knew a lot about some of these things.

SR I love. I know I'm on here a bit too much, but it was the support system that helped me get sober in the first place, I could never achieve that before I started using SR a lot. So I stick with it for the time being. I'm sure there will be a point when I will want to change focus, but SR will probably always occupy a special place in my heart. I personally never experienced anything offensive and upsetting here, but I do get others when they say it happens.

Another thing related to gossip is self-esteem... I think when our self-esteem is hurting inside, we are much more likely to get caught up on things others say or think about us. So this may be a good way to work on it for those that feel troubled by gossip?

ForgetfulKevin

Thank you all very much for your replies. Many useful ideas and perspectives in your posts. These really do help.

Anna

I really do think you can choose to be part of the gossip, or not.

For me, it's been really important to stay away from it, as much as possible. I've even managed to distance myself from the gossip at work.

And, I think 'none of your damn business' is an appropriate answer to an intrusive or overly personal question.

autumn2

I hate gossip. When someone comes to me gossiping,"he said/she said" this about you,my first question is why are they comfortable talking about me to you? Or if it's about someone else, I usually just say I don't want to hear it, I'm afraid my comments might fall back in my lap.

The tongue can be as dangerous as a double edged sword.

ForgetfulKevin

From my side I have to get used to the idea that there is such a thing as "gossip of sincere concern" either for the individual's sake or the community's sake, i.e., using the grapevine in a positive and beneficial way, or at least with good intentions -- along with idle gossip and malicious or mocking gossip, which people (including me) participate in just because of their local culture or global mock-the-celebrity culture or whatever.

Well, I don't have mega psychic powers so I can't prevent gossip or its consequences from happening. (I suppose if I did have such powers the government would have to hunt me down.)

So as people mentioned above, it's a waste of my time, focus, attention and emotional energy to get worked up about it. Gathering myself to focus on my own activities ... Easy-peasy ...

And of course I had better watch my own tongue for the sake of integrity! (Been trying to do this a little more lately as I try to watch out for harmful speech in general. Not perfect at it at all.)

Maybe someday I'll be a rich and famous celebrity so I'll get to enjoy the perks as well as the attention.

Thanks again for your comments and suggestions, including the ones about Facebook (I use it sparingly and cautiously with no local FB connections) and "what people think", which is very relevant as I am very self-conscious, maybe from moving around a lot in my youth and feeling like an outsider much of my life besides.

Your responses really are helping me work through this area.

ForgetfulKevin

"But I'm an Artist on the Stage of Life! I want to control everyone's perceptions."

Carlotta

LOL
What Readyatlast said was spot on but if you want to ruin their day and turn them on each other, next time just turn to the person who is "reporting" some garbage someone alledgedly said about you, pop your eyes wide and laugh lightly and say:

Omg, that's too funny s/he just told me the same thing about you.

As far as the Facebook thing goes, I use FB quite a bit mainly for activism but I am proactive about people. If I notice that someone has drama and gossip on their page I just unfriend them and block them so I am not dragged in their craziness. And I can be quite ruthless about unfriending: I have unfriended a minister, a few fellow activists and 2 coworkers.
A few years ago, I unfriended someone who was my housemate because I did not care for her toxic and vulgar back and forth with her boyfriend.