The sober parent questions
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
The sober parent questions
Bare with me while I think this through. I'm the sober one I rarely take a drink. Ah drinks a pint to a quart of rum almost daily.
Yet I feel like this is a skeleton in the closet and I am the only one who know how much he is hurting himself and what is left of this family. His mom and sister think I am nuts when this subjects come up and tell me no he hasn't been drinking.(heads in the sand) my kids choose to say it's just dad.
Why is this an off topics issue that I am the only one that will address it. Grrrr
I have been struggling to talk to my teens about this but they just look like deer in the headlights.
Any insights on the reason drinking is a secret in some families?
Yet I feel like this is a skeleton in the closet and I am the only one who know how much he is hurting himself and what is left of this family. His mom and sister think I am nuts when this subjects come up and tell me no he hasn't been drinking.(heads in the sand) my kids choose to say it's just dad.
Why is this an off topics issue that I am the only one that will address it. Grrrr
I have been struggling to talk to my teens about this but they just look like deer in the headlights.
Any insights on the reason drinking is a secret in some families?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
I realised that I am actually creating that culture of secrets in my own family. Consciously I am saying "lets talk" but I've realised that unconsciously I am giving off every signal that I don't want to, that it's important to keep Daddy's secret, to not tell the truth. The little things...like when I say "daddy is lying down...he has a headache", or "daddy is angry because he had a bad day". Every time I lie for my ah in front of the kids, every time I accept the poor behaviour, the verbal abuse.
Through therapy I learned that this is what my own family was like. Dad wasn't an alcoholic, but he was autistic and had mental illnesses which resulted in behaviours very like those you see in some alcoholics. He was also violent. I was taught that you 'keep it in the family', 'don't talk about it outside the family'....problem was that we didn't talk about it in the family either!
26 years after I moved out of home, my mum STILL denies much of what happened. She can acknowledge dad harmed her...but he never lay a finger on us kids....and I know that she truly believes it, that is how deep the lies and denial run.
I think it is a combination of shame, denial and a lack of willingness to be accountable, to take action, to make decisions. The less people that know...the less are going to judge you for keeping your kids in that state. I also PERSONALLY feel that my choosing an alcoholic shows the outside world my own weaknesses and failures. And I want to avoid that uncomfortable spotlight.
I want to break this pattern in my own family, and we will get family therapy to learn how to do this.
Does any of this resonate for you?
Through therapy I learned that this is what my own family was like. Dad wasn't an alcoholic, but he was autistic and had mental illnesses which resulted in behaviours very like those you see in some alcoholics. He was also violent. I was taught that you 'keep it in the family', 'don't talk about it outside the family'....problem was that we didn't talk about it in the family either!
26 years after I moved out of home, my mum STILL denies much of what happened. She can acknowledge dad harmed her...but he never lay a finger on us kids....and I know that she truly believes it, that is how deep the lies and denial run.
I think it is a combination of shame, denial and a lack of willingness to be accountable, to take action, to make decisions. The less people that know...the less are going to judge you for keeping your kids in that state. I also PERSONALLY feel that my choosing an alcoholic shows the outside world my own weaknesses and failures. And I want to avoid that uncomfortable spotlight.
I want to break this pattern in my own family, and we will get family therapy to learn how to do this.
Does any of this resonate for you?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 84
At this point I'm guessing that your AH must be pretty high functioning. As he descends further along the path of the disease the kids will note the changes, if your not covering for him. My kids first pointed out the staggering around on weekends. Then saw dad washing his urine soaked sheets. On and on. The family, they may deny it to the very end. My AH's family would swear he hardly ever drinks. They think if they don't see it, it must not be happening. Just don't cover for him, it will only make you angry later.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
My kids are still babies but it is VERY taboo in my husband's FOO to talk about alcoholism. They are real big on denial and they loath that I was trying to rat my husband out at any opportunity towards the end of his spiral "sorry we can't make it to the party, Mr. Stung is an alcoholic and is ruining my life and our children's lives," "Just an FYI, your brother/son/friend is acting bat-sh!t-crazy and is walking around in downtown without his wallet or keys because he's drunk. But he has his phone so he might appreciate your help." I was the bitch for not helping him myself. Little do they know that *I* don't have the power to help him…AND neither do they. Maybe they'll learn that someday, maybe not. Not my problem.
What you can do is educate your children though, as a sober parent it is partly your responsibility to educate them and make sure there are NO secrets. If they're looking at you with a deer in headlights way then you need to educate them and have an open dialogue "hey daughter, I can see you're looking at me like a deer caught in headlights. What do you think about what I said?" If you keep an open dialogue about alcohol and make sure your kids know its always safe to talk to you about alcohol then there likely won't be any secrets anymore. Like Jarp said, it's up to us to break these sick patterns.
What you can do is educate your children though, as a sober parent it is partly your responsibility to educate them and make sure there are NO secrets. If they're looking at you with a deer in headlights way then you need to educate them and have an open dialogue "hey daughter, I can see you're looking at me like a deer caught in headlights. What do you think about what I said?" If you keep an open dialogue about alcohol and make sure your kids know its always safe to talk to you about alcohol then there likely won't be any secrets anymore. Like Jarp said, it's up to us to break these sick patterns.
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