Mrrryah1

Made it through another tough weekend and glad to say I’m still sober - 16 days now. Man I’m having a rough morning though, mentally.

I keep thinking about stuff I did while drinking on some of my recent relapsing. Stuff that completely violates my own moral code and integrity. Stuff that makes me physically sick to even think about. It all disgusts me. For whatever reason, this morning, I can’t stop obsessing about it and feeling awful/depressed.

I’m terrified that the very real consequences of these actions are going to catch up with me sooner than later, and I’m just sick about the fact that it all happened in the first place. I keep picturing these terrible outcomes of being “found out”, the hurt and anguish and disgust that my loved ones will feel as a result, all of the relationships and important things that I will lose in my life. How I will manage to survive through it. I don’t think I will be able to.

I want to get out of this head space right now because I know it’s not good for me or my sobriety. And the fact that it’s making me physically ill at work this morning means that it’s not good for my health either.

Please please – if there is a god/higher power/whatever – forgive me and help me to forgive myself. Help me to accept the past because I know I can’t change it. Help me to move forward and not repeat these same mistakes.

Sasha4

How long have you been sober?
xxxx

Mrrryah1

16 days today

huntingtontx

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I think in early days this is very normal. You will get past it. Nothing can change the past, but you have the power to change the future. 16 days is awesome. For me the first week was the hardest. It will get easier as time passes. Hang in there. I am praying for you and God does care how you are feeling. Big Hug.

biminiblue

I did a lot of things both while using and while not using that I will never do again.

Tell someone. Do you go to AA? Do you know a good priest or can you find a counselor? You are already forgiven, we all have been given grace. Shame and guilt can be teachers, but should not be our masters.

wantmylifeback2

Wow Mrrryah1......I could have written this post myself. The obsessive thoughts about what I did while drinking are over taking my mind. I'm pissed I did that to myself and it also scares the S*IT out of me. I could have really hurt myself or others. I know I can't change the past and obsessing can't change what happened, but I still can't stop thinking about it. The regret, guilt, anxiety is all too much! I'm on day 8 today....how far along are you in your sobriety?

Can anyone help us get through this??? Advice. I'm really struggling today as well

wantmylifeback2

Congrats on 16 days!!

doggonecarl

There are a number of CBT-related techniques as well as other ways to lessen if not stop obsessing over the past. Google "How to stop obsessive thoughts" or similar search criteria.

I still cringe over stuff I did while high or drunk 30 years ago. It's the way my mind works...dwelling on the past too much. All I can do is now is stay clean and sober and not repeat them.

Mrrryah1

Thanks guys. Does anyone have any suggestions for things that may have helped them to get through these times and/or forgive themselves?

Verte

I hesitate to write this but will gladly if it helps get you out of your own head space:

Long time friends (I am talking 'friends' not just colleagues, acquaintances) of mine fell by the wayside because I was continually bleeding from the a$% and could not keep up with the way they wanted to run in this lifetime.

Friends dropped like flies left and right and it hurt terribly. Camaraderie and fellowship is a significant reason I chose to drink alcohol. Hard won lesson #427: The people who truly love me through good times and bad do more than stick around, they go through the process alongside mine at their own pace, not having to like it a bit, but they stuck around and are still here.

I love my family and my friends. Cannot begrudge the people who dropped away. It's a fight I obsessed about until I realized I did not have, nor was it worth, the energy just to be surrounded by a bunch of 'yes' people. This was a long time ago and I wish them all the same peace and happiness I seek.

Am hoping this offers a parallel perspective to your own right now. You cannot change what happened during your last relapse. You cannot control how people will respond if they find out. Take all of that energy and put it into living the best life you can from today forward.

Work hard to shift your energy towards the forgiving yourself piece of the struggle and maintaing your sober-ness...this is a fight worthy of you

Hevyn

I've tortured myself countless times over this same thing. Each time it led me back into temptation - I just wanted to get numb and turn my brain off. Of course that only compounds the problem and then we've added to the whole miserable mess. Please try to rise above this Mrrryah - you are stronger and wiser now. Reach out for the great life you have ahead of you - no looking back.

doggonecarl

I think you have an effective way in your initial post:

Forgive yourself, move forward.

Hereandnow2

I feel the same way, I'm on day 7. I keep going over and over a event that happened. Risked my life, my kids life, and others too. The guilt makes me feel so down, like I want to die at times. Luckily it passes. I have to keep busy. Clean the house, excercise, read ect. I'm thinking of you and am right there with you. We have to keep in the present. The past is so depressing and the future makes me feel so anxious. The here and now that's it!!

SoberLeigh

^^^^^Yes, exactly what LeTheVerte said.!!!!

You cannot re-write the past; it is over BUT the future is yours for the writing; it is filled with chapters and chapters of blank pages. People may have long memories BUT they also have eyes and ears; every positive step you take, every healthy decision you make will transform you; the vast majority of people will see, hear and notice that transformation and their opinions and perceptions of you will change.

As to those who don't hear and see, they truly are NOT worth it, no matter how wonderful you perceive them to be. (The so-called or self-designated "perfect" people are not really those I want in my life; they are either phony or simply don't have a clue what life is about.)

And by the way, we all like you the way you are.

Verte

Say out loud to yourself, your reflection in the mirror, a true friend: "I never said I was an A+".

Rationale and expected outcome:

Just because you did something that 'violates your moral code and integrity' during your relapse does not mean that you are not a moral person with integrity today.

Being a moral person with integrity does not mean you are born into this world, maintain an A+ average through life, and then die. At times we humans are all C+s, Fs, Bs, As.

Work on forgiving yourself today. This is not the equivalent of excusing, forgetting or condoning this behavior in the future in yourself or others. Forgiving is having compassion for exactly where you find yourself, committing and giving your best shot to not repeat these things that are hurtful to you and your code.

The more you work at forgiving yourself today the easier it gets to do the same tomorrow and the next day. And before you know it, you realize that you are surrounded by humans. No one maintains an A+ average, despite what some may believe. You begin to have compassion and tolerance for everyone around you and wherever they find themselves. Including the people who may judge you unfairly and treat you poorly.

Learning to forgive yourself by actively working towards accepting your humanness and experience translates into truly accepting humanity. This is a great goal and one worth making an effort and working towards.

Now, if you believe right now that you are an A+, have been at a all times in the past, and expect everyone around you to also be A+s...then your work will be harder but not impossible.


**A few other suggestions: Give yourself permission to be as tenacious with forgiving yourself as you need to be with maintaining sobriety. Try hard to listen to just yourself and true friends with supportive words (you might have to hear unsupportive words but you do not have to listen to them). Ask yourself what forgiving yourself looks and feels like...and go for it! This is a better head space to dwell in Yes. I do practice what I preach.

Anna

Journaling - write down your thoughts, as dark as they are. It really helped me. Even though I didn't want to see the written words, I felt lighter each time I wrote. It was a great process for me.

FeenixxRising

Well done on 16 days. Guilt and remorse are natural feelings, it shows you're a healthy person with a conscience. But try not to be obsessed by the feelings. You know you can't change the past, but you can change the future.

For me, I think of the future. I think about how I will be a better person going forward. I think about how the bad memories and feelings of guilt will fade and be replaced by good memories and good feelings. I understand that most people will forgive me for my bad behavior.

But this can happen only if I stay sober.

Just ride it out as best you can, the feelings will subside with time.

SoberLeigh

I forgot to congratulate you on 16 days!!!!!

Dee74

Hi Myrrrah

I think forgiveness is a process not an event - it certainly took a while for me.

What I did in the beginning was a kind of living amends...I made sure I did something to improve the world everyday - some days it was small things like picking up litter or making a donation, other days I volunteered in my community...sometimes I helped someone in more substantial ways.

Soon I began to feel a little better about myself and my place in the world again.

D

SnoozyQ

Mrrryah hi there

I can feel the desperation in your post to just be over that moment , wish time would hurry along so it can be further in your past .

You want to forget so badly . I've been there and its awful . Really awful .

But i can promise you this , it will go away , it will get better .

Whatever it was you did and cringe about , is definitely not what you would have done sober . It's not the real You . What's done is done now and you have to move past this and not make the same mistake again .

The only way that you can be positive it doesn't ever happen again is sobriety .

Cos the one thing that can happen again if you drink , to numb your thoughts of this episode , to forget could be exactly the thing you don't want . A repeat performance !

Cos there is no ( that'll never happen again ) whilst you still drink .
Cos everything is off the table and all bets are off .

You need to forgive yourself . No amount of remorse will change what's happened , so be kinder to yourself .

Accept that this was a huge mistake and you can right this by never drinking again .

There is so much freedom in not waking up with shame , remorse , sickness etc

If there are no ramifications from this event , you have dodged a bullet . You may not be so lucky next time hun x

But forgive yourself and move on . Don't let it affect your life . When you feel yourself pondering over it , get up , make a cuppa tea , take the dog for a walk or play you music loud .

You made a mistake . You are human , you're not a bad person , it was that bloody demon drink ! Kick it to the curb. Your life will be happy again.

I'm almost a year sober and i don't even think about those things anymore , cos that was the drinking me , this is the real me . We are 2 different people and i like this one much better .

Xxxxx