Ultima3

I'm a long term opiate addict, the last 6 years I've snorted every pain pill, sucked fentanyl patches, and snorted heroin. Other than the money which I don't have a problem with, why quit? No one depends on me for anything, and I've never been in a situation where I could say "opiates wouldn't make this better."

The health argument doesn't work either, I'm not shooting any drugs. I refuse to touch a needle and I never share my snorting straw with anyone so hepatitis isn't going to happen. Opiates in themselves don't destroy your body like some drugs, taking tylonal for my pain would kill my liver far faster than any opiates ever would.

in the past I've been sober for almost 2 years and was miserable, I went to therapy regularly for addiction and saw doctors, had support etc etc.... and I was miserable literally the entire time. I have hobbies, I stay busy, I attend college and have friends, and I excersize regularly and stay fit, It's never enough, so I ask: what is the point in quitting? I think I'm about at the point where I'm just going to accept the addiction for what it is and not care anymore and just live my life... In a blissful opiate haze.

Everyone around me thinks I'm clean but honestly I wouldn't care if they knew anyway so before you bring up love and feelings non-sense know that I also have antisocial personality disorder too. They have no negative affect on my life, I guess other than the remote possibility of getting busted but I'm smart enough by now to not get caught.

DoubleBarrel

Sounds like you aren't ready to quit.
I don't believe in talking people into things.

But I also think you are delusional if you think you aren't doing yourself harm.

Ultima3

I'll never be ready to quit. What am I delusional about? I know it's not the healthiest thing I can do but what harm am I really doing? I don't care if I live until i'm 105, that doesn't appeal to me.

DoubleBarrel

So, why are you posting on a recovery site?
Not trying to be snarky but if life was grand and you didn't care, what possible reason would you come here to be around all of us boring clean and sober people?

Be honest. Why are you here? Do you want someone to convince you of something?

I know that addiction is hard work and so is recovery. Kind of a rock and a hard place, isn't it?

Ultima3

Because I'm looking for a reason to quit, something new maybe someone had an idea.

Ultima3

trust me, I don't like the fact that it doesn't impact my life in such a way that I had no other option than to quit. But that isn't the problem I'm facing so I find it very difficult to quit.

megamillion

You won't be able to quit unless you find your bottom. You could look at everyone else and see what you haven't lost yet but eventually, what it comes down to, in order to quit - you must want to quit.

DoubleBarrel

In one post you state that you'll never be ready to quit, but in another you say you are looking for a reason.

Do you want to quit? Cause for me, as long as it was still working, there was no way I was gonna quit. I was determined to live fast die young, leave a beautiful corpse and all that. But I didn't die. I got old, and things got ugly.

The choices are that. Die young, or wait for things to get ugly.

Or you could quit. And live life free of the slavery of addiction. Right?

DoubleBarrel

Do you ever get dope sick ultima?

Have you noticed that you need more and more to get the same feeling?
Have you reached the point where you need drugs just to feel normal?

The fun just doesn't last. There is a big reckoning coming.

Ultima3

Take not that a lot of this was a rant, I've hit bottom before and stayed clean for a year, 2 years at a stretch. But as soon as I stopped mixing meds I was fine. The only time I got into trouble with it was years ago when I mixed 4 different meds, opiates, benzos, muscle relaxers... but of course it wasn't enough and for the past say, 2 years I basically found a medium to where I now I wouldn't get that way again. Since I got off all the psychiatrists crazy pills, I became healthier. I wish I didn't find the medium because now it's hard to find a reason to quit.

Ultima3

Oh, yes. I get dope sick. Yes if I need something to stay normal but I never need to be dope sick. I have a prescription for suboxone and that's only needed if for some rare reason I couldn't find dope.

DoubleBarrel

Most of us went back and thought we could maintain... For a while. But I was always back as bad as before in short order.

How long have you been back to using, if you don't mind my asking?

Ultima3

about 10 months now, it's definitely true that it becomes harder to quit each time. Now when I think of it, it really seems to be an impossibility because I know that I'll never get to the point of being in the hospital for 2 weeks straight.

DoubleBarrel

I don't know where you live, but if it's in the US, you are committing daily felonies too. The idea that this is normal when it would greatly disturb many people should perhaps give you pause.

There are a great many people sitting in prisons today for doing what you do.

DoubleBarrel

What do you think it will be like in ten years, twenty? Or do you not plan on living that long?

Doesn't it suck to constantly be searching for drugs? Is that what you dreamed life would be?

You said you are in college. Was this your goal? Sounds like you are still young enough to REALLY do something.

Ultima3

Oh I know I'm breaking the law every time I do it, I wish that was enough to stop. Thanks for trying Doublebarrell, I do appreciate it the advice.

Ultima3

It's currently my goal yes and I currently attend and I get good grades too.

I think some of the addiction is in part looking for the drugs too, it is a rush in and of itself.

DoubleBarrel

Being an addict is not about being smart or clever, you sound like you are intelligent and thoughtful, but you are ambivalent about quitting, obviously.

Like I said, I don't have much illusion of talking you out of anything, just some things to consider.

Seeing as college is your goal, how would this addiction fit in to your career?

You say money is not a problem now, but at some point, this is all a house of cards, your health, the money, career, until all you are gonna be doing is chasing drugs around. You are smart enough to see what's coming, if you are being honest.

OpioPhobe

Ultima - when I was actively using the ONLY thing that got me to quit was because the pain eventually became unbearable. It took years to get there and I kept switching to stronger opis and switching to risker routes of administration over time. The withdrawal kept getting exponentially worse over that time too. It is a losing proposition. In the end I realized I had to stop because I couldn't go through another day of actively using.

OpioPhobe

Oh, and the whole idea that you do have plenty of money to spend on it is actually something working against you. More money is just going to leave you with a gigantic habit that is going to be that much harder to quit down the road.