Facing the Giant
Mamahawk
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,034
Facing the Giant
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.
Helen Keller
You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
Marcus Aurelius
“Winning here is a conscious decision. Make up your mind whether you want to pass — or choose to fail.” … “Just prove to your bodies through your mind that you can push yourself further than you thought possible.” … “Whatever you have to do — just find an excuse to win. Keep going.”
I struggled with whether or not to share this. I usually don't have a hard time finding the words. The gift of gab, my husband calls it. I wasn't sure if I coukd do it so I found these quotes to try and convey how I feel. Tonight I faced the giant. I've been so sure of myself these past few weeks. Safe and secure at home, never leaving without an escort. Many of you know I've asked myself "What will happen once I step back into reality" tonight I found out. I had to go pick up my brothers girlfriends son. Only my 16 yr old was available to ride with me. This was mostly to prevent a run to the hood on the way. We pulled into the driveway and my Addictive Voice was screaming. Every cell in my body was tingling. Check the bathroom it said. Everyone has it in their medicine cabinet. I've done this many times to get a fix so it was nothing new. I asked to use the restroom and it only took a few minutes to find it. It wasn't my DOC but close enough. A bottle of syrup . Almost full. Enough to get me a slight buzz. But while my AV screamed and screamed for it, my heart was calm. I was merely going through the motions of 20 years of habit. Muscle memory. I took a deep deep breath, and I walked away. I faced the giant and I walked away. But first I introduced it to some TITANS I recently met... COURAGE and STRENGTH. I turned and closed the door as my addictive voice went silent. To stunned to speak.
Helen Keller
You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
Marcus Aurelius
“Winning here is a conscious decision. Make up your mind whether you want to pass — or choose to fail.” … “Just prove to your bodies through your mind that you can push yourself further than you thought possible.” … “Whatever you have to do — just find an excuse to win. Keep going.”
I struggled with whether or not to share this. I usually don't have a hard time finding the words. The gift of gab, my husband calls it. I wasn't sure if I coukd do it so I found these quotes to try and convey how I feel. Tonight I faced the giant. I've been so sure of myself these past few weeks. Safe and secure at home, never leaving without an escort. Many of you know I've asked myself "What will happen once I step back into reality" tonight I found out. I had to go pick up my brothers girlfriends son. Only my 16 yr old was available to ride with me. This was mostly to prevent a run to the hood on the way. We pulled into the driveway and my Addictive Voice was screaming. Every cell in my body was tingling. Check the bathroom it said. Everyone has it in their medicine cabinet. I've done this many times to get a fix so it was nothing new. I asked to use the restroom and it only took a few minutes to find it. It wasn't my DOC but close enough. A bottle of syrup . Almost full. Enough to get me a slight buzz. But while my AV screamed and screamed for it, my heart was calm. I was merely going through the motions of 20 years of habit. Muscle memory. I took a deep deep breath, and I walked away. I faced the giant and I walked away. But first I introduced it to some TITANS I recently met... COURAGE and STRENGTH. I turned and closed the door as my addictive voice went silent. To stunned to speak.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,479
The first time we go in a new direction is both exhilarating and terrifying - but it gets easier Mama.
I'm proud of your choice today
Thoughts are thoughts - I reckon the real measure of our recovery is what we do in response to those thoughts
D
I'm proud of your choice today
Thoughts are thoughts - I reckon the real measure of our recovery is what we do in response to those thoughts
D
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,606
Wow mama you scared me for a moment... and now I have tears in my eyes. I am so proud of you, you've made the absolute right decision. You kicked the av's butt. That is sooo great! you're such a strong woman mama, now you can do everything !!!
Mamahawk
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,034
I want to take it farther and tell my AV I won't engage in the behavior. Twice in three weeks I have engaged sneaky addict behavior. Next time my AV has a surprise coming. I'm not going to engage the behavior that leads to using.
I could not have done this without SR and all of you...before I came here in April I didn't even know what an AV was. Thanks to SR and everyone's advice I have learned so much. Thank you for that. I am beyond grateful. It was you all who taught me what I am capable of.
I could not have done this without SR and all of you...before I came here in April I didn't even know what an AV was. Thanks to SR and everyone's advice I have learned so much. Thank you for that. I am beyond grateful. It was you all who taught me what I am capable of.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
I'm embarrassed to admit that, while I was still using, I went through my elderly mother's medicine cabinet looking for pain medication to steal.
She didn't have any. But had she, I would have taken it.
I was capable of disgusting behavior when I was using.
What scares me now is what I would do if the opportunity arose for me to pop an oxy if no one else knew about it. I would like to think I would not do it.
Proud of you.
She didn't have any. But had she, I would have taken it.
I was capable of disgusting behavior when I was using.
What scares me now is what I would do if the opportunity arose for me to pop an oxy if no one else knew about it. I would like to think I would not do it.
Proud of you.
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