Dealing with bpd after opiates
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Dealing with bpd after opiates
I think my drug use kept most of the symptoms in check and now that I'm 12 days clean?? I feel out of control!! I keep thinking about engaging in stupid, risky behavior. I almost left my husband for someone in rehab. This is not normal. The problem is, I can't seem to find a good therapist I even trust. Everyday I wake up, my first thought is " I need to get out if this house" I walk around stores and enjoy men looking at me, maybe I'm just looking for a high? I'm not sure. I need help before I do something stupid. Anyone else dealing with this condition??
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I don't deal with this but wanted to ask you if you have ever considered that you may be bipolar? I have read up extensively on this topic and the symptoms you describe are pretty typical bipolar symptoms.
I hope you do get a psychiatrist as if you are diagnosed you will need medication.
Good Luck!
I hope you do get a psychiatrist as if you are diagnosed you will need medication.
Good Luck!
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Join Date: May 2014
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I have been diagnosed with bpd. I have most of the symptoms. For me, they are there regardless of me using or not. one thing I can relate to though is I have had the issue with seeking male attention outside of my relationship. Sometimes it ends up hurting me too so its really not in my best interest. I am working on cutting it out but probably should find a weekly therapist. I just wanted you to know you are not the only one.
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Thank you freedom , I don't feel so alone...I think the drugs just numbed me out enough so I didn't care about anything. I'm now just driving around aimlessly looking for something to make me feel good , you know? Being home alone is the worst and I hate it. I want to get a parttime job but my husband is against the idea. I haven't cheated, yet...I feel like I'm going to! I was reading up on bpd last night and god, it's me all the way. When I was diagnosed, I refused to believe I have this , but I do. I have almost every symptom and now that I'm clean, it's coming out with a vengeance. I have no coping skills , I feel completely lost and sometimes I feel really high! I really don't want more drugs, I really don't. I'm so hell bent on being sober but at what cost?? I guess I'll look into therapy again.
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Thanks hopeful but I'm not sure if it's that?? My sister is bipolar and mental illness runs in my family along with addiction. I grew up with a crack addicted dad and was left alone often. I'm not one to blame people or things for my life, I did this to myself. I just don't think I can be a normal person...I'm also newly sober, so....
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
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Ashamedof - have you considered these recent activities as a trap your AV may be setting up for you? If you fast forward to a situation where cheating is a real option for you (i.e. not just looking but alone with someone) it would be easy for your AV to convince you that using would be a better alternative to cheating. Maybe your thought process would be something like "oh, if I don't use I am going to cheat on my husband and that is a worse than using".
I don't have personal experience on bipolar disorder, but cheating is completely incompatible with marriage in my book. My addiction could have been summed up by instant gratification at the expense of long-term consequences. Maybe your just haven't grown accustom to taking things at a sober pace that is devoid of instant gratification. There are few things in life that provide instant gratification without serious, negative consequences.
If you are having trouble seeing things from your husband's perspective (i.e. the severe pain from betrayal), then maybe fast forward things from your perspective. Do you think you are going to be able to cheat and not deal with any consequences if you don't get caught? Imagine the guilt you are going to feel afterwards.
Has your husband been taking care of his "husbandly" duties in the bedroom? If not, maybe try asking him point blank what the problem is. When you are out appreciating the looks from others go buy him a gift instead.
I don't have personal experience on bipolar disorder, but cheating is completely incompatible with marriage in my book. My addiction could have been summed up by instant gratification at the expense of long-term consequences. Maybe your just haven't grown accustom to taking things at a sober pace that is devoid of instant gratification. There are few things in life that provide instant gratification without serious, negative consequences.
If you are having trouble seeing things from your husband's perspective (i.e. the severe pain from betrayal), then maybe fast forward things from your perspective. Do you think you are going to be able to cheat and not deal with any consequences if you don't get caught? Imagine the guilt you are going to feel afterwards.
Has your husband been taking care of his "husbandly" duties in the bedroom? If not, maybe try asking him point blank what the problem is. When you are out appreciating the looks from others go buy him a gift instead.
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The problem is my husband is an alcoholic and to be quite honest , he's not very sexual at all because of his alcoholism . half the time it doesn't work. being honest and so our sex life is pretty boring and that's not even the reason . now it's him not willing to admit his problem, I'm trying to get help for mine and it's making me resent him ....and I've never cheated before that's not something I do like to take my marriage seriously But something is seriously wrong with mine. He threatens me and gets drunk, obnoxious etc. maybe I just need someone to actually care?? Not sure but something needs to change ASAP. I don't want to become "that person" I just don't.
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Ashamed - ouch! Sorry to hear about the lack of performance of husbandly duties. I completely agree with you that something must change. Have you sat him down and told him any of this? He might be able to deny the alcoholism, but I can't imagine him getting around the lack of affection. Maybe you could explain that you didn't expect marriage to be a vow of celibacy.
In my opinion, whatever you do don't cheat. If the marriage isn't going to work then I think you owe it to yourself to at least get through the divorce process before cheating. Think about the consequences of it. It is going to saddle you with guilt, and give him an easy way out of accepting his failures. He will find plenty of support from those around him that he tells his side of the story to. It will be much harder on him to accept the fact that he was wrong too. That doesn't even include the legal complications during the divorce that would result.
I think it boils down to whether you want to try to make the marriage work at this point or not. If so, then what have you done to try to improve things? If not, then what is stopping you from filing papers?
For what it's worth, I went through something recently with my wife. It didn't have anything to do with cheating or lack of affection, but everything else you can imagine was a disaster. She was resentful of my using still (even at 3 months out), because I never really owned up to what I had done wrong. When she would tell me how much it hurt her I would tell myself that anyone would have used if they had to live with her for as long as I did. I would try to explain to her how much stress I had been under, blah blah blah. At some point I realized that those justifications were the exact same as the rationalizations that I had been telling myself when actively using. She was still being cold at the time, but I came to her and told her that I understood the pain that I put her through. At that point she still was clinging to the belief that she did nothing wrong. I was patient and after a couple weeks she said that she had been thinking about everything and then she admitted that she was wrong on certain points too. Things were never going to get better if I didn't start the process by owning my failures and trying to make amends. Even if things don't work out down the road I will know that I owned up to what I did wrong.
In my opinion, whatever you do don't cheat. If the marriage isn't going to work then I think you owe it to yourself to at least get through the divorce process before cheating. Think about the consequences of it. It is going to saddle you with guilt, and give him an easy way out of accepting his failures. He will find plenty of support from those around him that he tells his side of the story to. It will be much harder on him to accept the fact that he was wrong too. That doesn't even include the legal complications during the divorce that would result.
I think it boils down to whether you want to try to make the marriage work at this point or not. If so, then what have you done to try to improve things? If not, then what is stopping you from filing papers?
For what it's worth, I went through something recently with my wife. It didn't have anything to do with cheating or lack of affection, but everything else you can imagine was a disaster. She was resentful of my using still (even at 3 months out), because I never really owned up to what I had done wrong. When she would tell me how much it hurt her I would tell myself that anyone would have used if they had to live with her for as long as I did. I would try to explain to her how much stress I had been under, blah blah blah. At some point I realized that those justifications were the exact same as the rationalizations that I had been telling myself when actively using. She was still being cold at the time, but I came to her and told her that I understood the pain that I put her through. At that point she still was clinging to the belief that she did nothing wrong. I was patient and after a couple weeks she said that she had been thinking about everything and then she admitted that she was wrong on certain points too. Things were never going to get better if I didn't start the process by owning my failures and trying to make amends. Even if things don't work out down the road I will know that I owned up to what I did wrong.
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I think I'm still clinging to the hope that he will admit to his problem and get help for it and so that we can have a clean relationship because I'm not going to be able to live this clean and sober life while he gets drunk every night? it's just doesn't work that way , that's not how this works , and I know that I'm not stupid.. but we've had many talks and he's still in denial.
I went to my first na meeting tonight and it really opened my eyes to many things and I have this newfound realization that we might not ever work past this and we might end up getting a divorce because my sobriety needs to come first ...and I'm not saying I've been perfect in this relationship at all and I can own up to my issues and I'm trying to do that now but when he's denying everything.
One day at a time, right?? Thanks for your response opio.
I went to my first na meeting tonight and it really opened my eyes to many things and I have this newfound realization that we might not ever work past this and we might end up getting a divorce because my sobriety needs to come first ...and I'm not saying I've been perfect in this relationship at all and I can own up to my issues and I'm trying to do that now but when he's denying everything.
One day at a time, right?? Thanks for your response opio.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Illinois
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Hi there. I'm a women who is dx with bpd and recovering from opiate use. So if you need to talk I understand a lot of these symptoms and feelings. I like make attention as well but I'm a single mom and kinda looking for a good man so that's the difference. I would say to find a women therapist so you can share openly with her.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
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The problem with quitting opiates is all of the wacky PAWS you encounter. I was absolutely CONVINCED I had severe depression and anxiety issues because every time I stopped shooting dope for a few days I couldn't even handle being in public places (like a mall or movie theatre) without breaking down crying.
**This is only my experience** I remember going to a doctor once a few weeks after cleaning up and explaining my situation to the doctor. He actually said he was unable to diagnose me with anything because it would not be accurate. My system was still all out of whack from the heavy opiate abuse.
Give it a couple months for your brain and body to recover from the abuse before you start medicating in other ways. And congrats on the clean time
**This is only my experience** I remember going to a doctor once a few weeks after cleaning up and explaining my situation to the doctor. He actually said he was unable to diagnose me with anything because it would not be accurate. My system was still all out of whack from the heavy opiate abuse.
Give it a couple months for your brain and body to recover from the abuse before you start medicating in other ways. And congrats on the clean time
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