four812

After a nice start mentally I have got uninterested in things again. I'm just going through the motions of life but not really caring about ****. I just want to hide and do nothing. Then this makes me restless.

So here I sit again in my car. Alone. Smoking a cigarette. And nothing to want. Right now that includes not wanting crack so that parts a good thing. But I don't care. I have no care about things.

I guess I can just breathe and be with this nothingness. I can pit down this phone and really just be with doing nothing for a little bit and maybe get grounded in the place of just being alive.

Ugh

Dee74

I think most of us have to go through some apathy when we quit. It's like the break up of a long relationship really...it's not uncommon to mope around for a while.

Doing some exercise or some kind of strenuous activity - housecleaning, lawnmowing, sports - can get the endoprphins goiing again

D

DecBaby

Dee is right. I trudged through the motions for a while. It was so hard to just get up and shower. So hard to do laundry and I remember when I would accomplish one of these things I felt so relieved it was done. I loved the end of my work shift so I could just home and go to bed. But after just going through the motions for some time it got easier. And then I started enjoying things.

FatallyUncool

I was there for a while after I quit. Miserable with drugs and miserable without. That is a crummy place to be!

Try to trudge through it. Exercise helps. So does staying busy and doing nice things for yourself and others. Just don't use today and that is a success, whether you feel it or not. Using again is guaranteed misery.

Mamahawk

Four I was sitting here trying to decide what to say to you. Then I realized I can't find the words because getting the day started is a struggle still. I can't say I feel uninspired, just sluggish. What inspires you FOUR? Write a list of if the things that inspire you and pick one or two or three and HOLD ON TO IT like your life depends on it. Because it does Four. Your LIFE depends on it. I want to inspire you so bad. I want ignite in you the hunger and desire in you for life I have found hiding inside me these past two weeks. I know I can't I just wish I could. Saying goodbye to our DOC is a rough time. You just have to get through it. I see many things you have to live for in your posts, your writing, your wife and daughter. Let one of those things inspire you four. Stay strong. You can do it. I know you can.

four812

thanks mama

i appreciated reading your words. they felt good.

but am i going to do anything? I don't know. this has been a long and boring and seemingly pointless day. I've had no urges or thoughts today, so at least that's a positive

Mamahawk

I wish you didn't feel that way four. I guess if I wanted to I could call my day pointless to. I have swept the floors. Made pancakes for my son. Now I will mop, then get ready to be taken to the store to grocery store. My poor husband will work 12 hours them have to come home and drive me around because I can't be trusted. What's the point to it all???? I don't know but I have to believe I am here for a reason and I believe you are to. It seems you want more out of life. What would make you happy? Do something to start seeing it happen. It's going to be hard these first few days. Give yourself a break. For now I am happy and content just to get the floor swept and run to the grocery store. To serve my son homemade pancakes and have a clear head while I do it! Today that was enough. Let it be enough for you that you made it. That you didn't use. Just for today let that be enough. Because it is a HUGE and WONDERFUL accomplishment!!

FT

four812,

The hardest part about quitting drugs is STAYING quit. This is the phase in which those who relapse see no end to feeling bad, or feeling just nothing as the case may be.

You have to stay quit long enough to find out what it's like to be free of your drug. Right now, you are still too close to your quit date to know that it feels REALLY GOOD to be free of your drug. Your endorphin receptors that allow you to feel pleasure have been damaged by your drug use, and it takes time to make new ones.

You are getting good advice here, so I hope you listen to it. Hang in there because it does get better.

AnvilheadII

first off, what you are going thru is a direct result of cleaning up from the dope. your brain rewired itself so that crack was the only thing that brought pleasure anymore....it's going TO TAKE TIME for that to heal. not hours or days, but weeks and months. just like any other major injury...so what you are experiencing is normal.....for a recovering addict.

second, we need to learn to get over the need for INSTANT gratification. and that takes time too!! we don't get to sit in a chair and have LIFE happen in front of us and keep us entertained and all things running smooth without our participation. WE have to make it happen. life doesn't come to us, we have to go meet life.

being bored or apathetic is a temporary phase...it will pass. remember to eat, try getting OUT OF the car and taking a walk - a park or creek or a pond to wander around. just breathe and be. that's perfectly ok!

OpioPhobe

Four812 - I know the exact feeling that you are describing. One of the things that helped me was to do things even when I didn't think that I would enjoy them. Some of them met my expectations and they were bland and boring. Others started out boring and then they got interesting as I went along. It helped me to stop trying to think of what would be interesting and just start doing something...anything. Eventually certain things would click.

Mamahawk

How are you today four?

four812

Not good mama.

Dee74

whats up man?

D

four812

I have 6 stitches in my finger, have wasted a lot of money in two months on my addiction, taken two days off work because of this, lying about it each time, and find myself alone in my secret world.

All this and still I want one more. Even right now.

I don't think of what I give away. I just see 40$ lost each time but I always go back and it always costs way more than 40$ Because of incidental costs. I'm so lucky (I suppose), but that runs out eventually.

Dee74

It takes a little time to get out of that insane, self destructive addictive mindset...

but every good decision you make gets you another little bit closer to that exit back to non addiction normality, four812.

Sorry you're trudging a bit today but keep moving in the right direction.
It absolutely does get easier

D

four812

Thanks dee for your kind and supporting words. Okay I will try to turn it around again.

It seems ridiculous to even try . It seems pointless because I will just use again. but I will try again. What's the worst that can happen? I could fail. Well I am already failing so why not try again.

Okay so here goes. I'm making some tea. I am eating some peanuts. I am staying awake. And this is called work. What I mean is that I am literally at work. And this is called working (at my job) even though I have no job assignment right now. Lately the job assignments have been few and far between.

I've completely lost touch with my higher power or a higher power. This was the case before I started using. But now it's even less.

My therapist suggested last week that I write about what my heart says to my mind and the battle between them.

My mind says stop don't do nothing; don't worry about it you can't do anything anyway ... but my heart is filled with kindness and love the desire to be my best in this life. My mind says ***k it.....my mind says love it. But I don't feel these things in my heart and my mind rules the show most all of my life.

So right now I will try to be conscious of my heart: the feelings that reside there (mental physical and spiritual).

I will try again. That's fine and dandy but the problem has been in a few days I lose care about trying to get better. I just figured it's been 22 years now in and out of sobriety. 8 years and almost 2 years twice and many shorter periods of successful recovery. It seems pointless to even try anymore sometimes.... Like 22 years is enough I quit. But I will try to keep an open mind and be aware that I don't know how to do this really. Because I haven't.

I know I need to write. Everyday. Poems. Memoir style. Essay. That's in my heart. But Ive been losing my heart sense and like throwing in the towel and not doing any "filling my heart" stuff including the writing (haven't even been journaling much).

My addict mind has been ruling the show in one way or another. And it's not working well !

Stoogy

Dee is right, I also think it takes a bit of time to Find a level playing field in that respect, being a bit mopey and down is in my experience a natural reaction but it will pass, just hang tough and rough it out you will be glad you did.

four812

okay Stoogy....and thanks

Dee74

why not try something different this time? more support? more changes?

We get to write the ending of our own story Four - we're not puppets or kites flapping in the wind...

if you don't want things to end the same old way, fight for a better happier ending

biminiblue

Four, you have a skill for writing, and you are very self-aware. I found a lot of healing in my journal. Some of my darker thoughts needed an outlet, and I was safe to explore all my anger and negative thoughts in a private journal in a locked file on my computer.

The Higher Power is IMO an essential part of recovery. You mention the spiritual side of yourself and your heart, so you are in touch with your Higher Power. Ask it for guidance. Some people call this prayer. Prayer is a means of getting in touch with that part of you that is longing for goodness and light and health and peace. Try it, will you? It doesn't have to be God or Allah, or Jesus, or any of the traditional deities unless you believe it should be. Try prayer. If you don't try it, how will you know if it works? I find prayer to be one of my best tools. Before I stopped drinking I could not see any good in the world. Now I have hope and faith, and it came to me by asking for it.

The other thing I've just discovered is meditation. It is a way to center myself any time and to learn to become less anxious. It really works if I do it! You can search for methods online if you wish. I have been using one from an intrusive thoughts/anxiety website because I tend to be an anxious person.

Keep posting, we care about you and we're glad you're here.