searching peace

Hate this! I can't breathe, my chest hurst so bad and all I want is what I can't have. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like there is an emptiness and void that will never be filled. I wanted my marriage and my husband. I wanted to have a life with him since I was eight years old. But I am trying to understand why he would marry me or stay with me if he never loved me. Which clearly he never did. I loved him with everything in my being. And he never loved me. He isn't giving me another thought. And I can't go for one second without him in my mind. I want this pain to stop! I have one food day and then several awful days. The nights are the worst. I think it is so painful the rejection. Why would anyone want someone that doesn't want them? Why am I feeling so sad and devastated by a man that has hurt me everyday for the past seven years. I hate this loneliness. I wouldn't hurt myself because my children only have me. But I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up with no memory of this man or my marriage full of rejection.

Mango blast

I'm so sorry you're hurting! Baby steps, one day at a time, and healing comes. Awareness of something being wrong is the first step.

It took active self-work to stop thinking about him and get to a much more normal place in my mind. These are three of my favorite books, but also Alanon and CR meetings, a good counselor and calling my local DV hotline to talk to someone about emotional abuse were just as important to me. ((((hugs))))

Amazon.com: Respect-Me Rules eBook: Shelly Marshall, Michael Marshall: Kindle Store
Amazon.com: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing eBook: Beverly Engel: Kindle Store
Amazon.com: The Heart of Abundance: A Simple Guide to Appreciating and Enjoying Life eBook: Candy Paull: Kindle Store (free)

Skymitchg

Searching peace, I'm so sorry you are going through such pain. They say time heals. And hopefully you will find peace and happiness. Sending hugs

LadyinBC

I am so sorry you are going thru this. Big hugs to you.

LoveMeNow

I am so sorry for your pain.

Have you read about trauma bonding? It may explain a lot things for you.

Ofelie

The nights are the worst. Yes. But it will get better. I know exactly how you feel. I have been in your spot, and its just gut wrenching to hear that you are going through this. I have felt all of this, and its just horrible. There are no answers to these questions. After five months of being apart from mine, five months where I feel like I ripped out my heart, and now there are just cobwebs and dust inside me, I finally figured it out. Its not that I am hurting over him being gone. I am hurting over how anyone could treat me so so so horribly, and really just not give a rats ass about me after saying all those pretty words that led me to believe he did. How someone could lie and manipulate and play games with my heart as if I was just paper to be crumpled and tossed out a window, tossed away into the wind and forgotten about. Its the hurting over being treated like nothing, like I don't matter, that is what hurts. Its not about him, because I do not want him back, I don't want to see him, I don't want to think about him. Ever. I too sat and wished I could just stop existing, stop hurting, just stop... I didn't want to go forward another inch without him. I really didn't. But, what I think that helped me most is No Contact..and meeting new people. Normal people. It has hit me so hard, when I spend time with people, they don't get angry at me for being me. They seem delighted to be with me. They talk to me, respectfully. It was a bit shocking at first. My life is now filled with all sorts of people who are drama free, wow. I miss him, I have no idea why. I can honestly say, though, I want NOTHING further to do with him and if he happily fell off the planet, or was shoved off the planet, I would simply applaud. Shocking when I think how I once could not imagine a millisecond without him by my side. I cannot even imagine being with him now, having him in my life, spending even a few minutes with him.
It will get better, I can promise you. That void, that pit in your belly, the aching, the longing, all of it will dull. It might not ever disappear, but it will dull. It will become bearable. I can guarantee it. You are not alone. I too want to erase it all, I want it out of my brain, I want to go back in time, I want a DO OVER! But I don't get one. So, what I have promised myself? NEVER AGAIN. This is my lesson, this is my light bulb moment in life. I have started down the path to a peaceful future...one that I choose, drama free. You will be ok. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you will. I am. I never thought I could survive it. I still wobble on that, but I am plodding forward, and each day it is a teeny bit easier. Hugs, big old fat hugs to you. I am here...we are all here for you. YOU CAN DO THIS

Mags1

Searching peace, thinking of you and sending hugs and prayers xxxx

Butterfly

I am so sorry you are going through this big hugs. What I have learned is that your husband may love you but unfortunately his addiction is so strong it drives him his wants and needs and becomes his only focus. An alcoholic will do anything hurt manipulate lie so he can feed his addiction. I am sorry to say but at this minute his only thoughts are his addiction and only he can make the choice to stop I don't mean to say that to be mean or nasty. I understand your feelings of emptiness and loneliness but I can assure you you will start to feel better. My AH left me nearly 3 months ago and I didn't understand still struggle to at times and I thought I would never feel anything again except hurt and pain. My mind was consumed with thoughts of him what was he doing why is he doing this how can he walk out on me and the kids And I cried everyday I am slowly realising that I won't get the answers I want as this disease isn't logical. I have and slowly it has gotten better day by day and you will too

Don't look to the future as that can be scary take each day as it comes do things for you and your kids. Journaling helped me a lot and now I am focusing on me and my kids trying to understand my own feelings and why I stayed with him for 18 years I still find my mind consumed by thoughts of him at times but I tell myself stop I deserve better!! And so do you!!

Keep posting here and read as much about addiction as you can to help you try and understand. There are some good reading here on SR in the stickies there is a good article on alcoholic thinking and you should read when does the pain stop. Remember you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it!!

Please look after yourself maybe speak to your Dr and seek support through counselling. I wish you all the best in your recovery.

One day at a time and sometimes all I could do was one minute at a time.

I wish you peace

redatlanta

Oh Gosh - I am so sorry you are feeling this way.

You have mentioned several times that your Husband never loved you - you seem a bit stuck on that. My guess is that is not true. You are looking at the end result and applying it to the beginning and that is trying to put a square peg into a round hole.

60% of marriages fail in this country. Is it because 60% of the people who got married did not love each other? No.

We say it so many times - if love was enough there would be no addiction. If love was all it took to make a marriage work our divorces would be few and far between - just love is not enough in any circumstance of a relationship. There has to be friendship, compromise, goal setting, common interests. The wheel of a successful relationship has many, many components. They take a lot of work, all of them, even the good ones.

But when you are dealing with addiction there is no "wheel of success", there in no compromise, goal setting, or common interests unless both are alcoholics. Your husband is driven by addiction, his goal is to drink. Is that your goal in life? I don't think so. Outside of his goal to drink is nothing. He sustains and maintains what he needs to in order to succeed in his goal but doing so to feed his addiction. That is why this is a "disease of the family". Every person in the path of an addict get run over. That is you. You are trying to make sense of the illogical mindset of an alcoholic and apply it to non addict behavior and that doesn't work.

Butterfly

I agree with redatlanta also respect is needed and someone with addiction and an addict does not respect their other half. Their focus and desire is their addiction and that is what drives them

Pia

Someone told me one time my marriage was built on fraud and it has always stuck with me. I know our situation are different but that helped me realize where I was. I never could feel we had a strong foundation. He was on drugs and drinking from the get go.

"he never loved me" Working on you and staying out of his head and what you think he is thinking or feeling is only going to help you. I can ask my husband did you ever love me, he will say yes but then his actions never prove anything.

I love people but there are just some I love more than others, it doesn't mean I don't love them. I realized if my AH decided to change today and go to rehab and work the steps he still has the mentality of a 14 year old boy. By the time his mentality is 35 years old I would be dead. Why wait around for someone who will not be there for you mentally. You may think if only I love him long enough and he is thinking I sure do love my DOC. Focusing on the past is just that the past seeing the reality of today is what will get you through.

Butterfly

Any person can say that they love you. Only a few will actually prove it!!