Butterfly

I've just found out my AH is back associating with his old friends the ones who are not very nice people what they are into is not good!! When he was with them he wasn't a nice person angry and aggressive!

When he hung about with them before he left because I didn't like who he was turning into and wanted him to stop associating with them but he wouldn't as it was his place to drink!!

I know it shouldn't annoy me but it has I know he left so he could drink and do what he wants. I know I should just let him get on with it but I can feel my anxiety building since I heard this. Maybe I think if he starts down that road he will never sort himself out but then he may never sort himself out anyway. It's his life and his choices. I haven't felt this anxiety at the weekend for a long time so why now. I hate feeling like this

CodeJob

Hi confused,

What are you doing for you? Taking your focus off your A might decrease your anxiety.

suki44883

Confused, this is all still relatively new ground for you. It's only natural that you would feel anxious when you know he is making bad decisions. Again, this is where "No Contact" comes in and it's a good thing. The less you know, the less upset you will be. They say ignorance is bliss and in cases like these, it's the truth. (((HUGS)))

anykey

I did a search to try to learn what the acronym AH means and cant figure it out. Actually people use acronyms alot here and the meaning of those posts are lost on me.

suki44883

AH = Alcoholic Husband or Addict Husband.

You might find this link useful...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-acronyms.html

LoveMeNow

Confused? Were you abandoned in some way as a child? I ask because I had abandonment issues from my parents divorce and I hated to feel abandoned and/or rejected. I had to really work on those issue.

Also, is it possible your husband is also doing drugs as well as alcohol? I know alcohol is a drug but add another drug and it's even worse, IMO.

Butterfly

You know I bring the anxiety on myself when I found out I texted him and he confirmed it but I then texted to ask if this is how he's working things out by associating with people who he decided not to (although he says he stopping because I didn't want him associating with them but it took over a year and a half for him to stop so it wasn't because of me although he likes to tell himself that) as he said he didn't like who he had become the last time how he admitted that he used them for somewhere to drink and actually didn't like them very much! I reminded him that he referred to himself as a scumbag and that was why he was friends with them as they are scumbags!!

I then told him that I wouldn't be expecting to see him anytime soon as it is obvious that he's not trying to sort himself out!! Of course he didn't reply!!

I know I shouldn't have said all that shouldn't be trying to encourage him to think about his actions and choices and make healthy choices but I suppose that's the codie in me still trying to fix him and our marriage. Yet I don't know how to not say anything to him. I can do the no face to face contact as I know it upsets me so much but I can't seem to stop texting him although I don't tell him I love him or that I'm here for him when he wants me and it's also not constant all day asking him questions but I'm still doing it!!!!!

Since he left I have been searching for answers as to why he left so sudden without any warning we were planning to move house had an offer on our house he told me every time he drank how sorry he was how he was gonna change get help that he was in love with me and never wanted to lose me so it was a shock when he walked out!!! I have since learned that an alcoholic will tell you anything to keep you on side and enable him to keep drinking that he will lie and manipulate for his needs!!

Tonight I thought I don't need answers it doesn't matter if he loves me he left so he could drink when he wanted to and he didn't want the restrictions that being in a grown up responsible relationship with children brings. My AH has always wanted to do what he wants and is still a teenager in many ways as he doesn't like being told what to do!! My 16 year old son has more maturity than my AH!! My AH does love me but he loves alcohol more and everything he said and promised was a lie. He lied and manipulated me for years and I allowed it even though I knew he had no intention of changing!!

I have been thinking a lot about divorce and ending this vicious cycle that has been our marriage for 17 years once for and for all but I'm not sure if it's too early to make that decision or whether I'm scared that he will sort himself out then it will be too late for us!!

Butterfly

Love me now I have attachment issues very difficult relationship with my mum constantly told how she was never meant to have me how she didn't want a girl and always felt I wasn't good enough. My mum walked out several times leaving me behind so yes I probably do have abandonment issues also. My feelings of not being good enough have been reinforced by my AH and that he has left me 5 times now because of his addiction either because I was challenging him and wanting him to stop or the first time as his behaviour was out of control!!

I don't know if he is taking drugs when I first met him he would have taken drugs every night then it became occasional use. These old friends that he is associating with again take drugs and during one of our last separations he took coccaine supplied by these fiends so I honestly don't know!!

dandylion

Confused--this kind of mental review process is part of a natural grieving that follows loss of a significant relationship (or dream). Many of the questions will be unanswerable....

Just continue to stay no-contact as your ideal goal.

dandylion

LoveMeNow

I had to see a therapist to work out my abandonment issues. It helped a great deal although I wasted many hours and money talking about him and us. Thankfully, she redirected me often.

Also, this book was very good!

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life

Butterfly

Well I refocused my attention last night kept reading on here and saying to myself it's his life his choices and nothing to do with me enjoy that I don't have to stay up half the night worrying if he will come home what state he will come home in and if he will keep drinking the next day. I found myself being able to relax again.

I have also realised that today is day 5 where I haven't cried over him the longest I have ever went! So feeling proud of myself!!

Thank you everyone for your support

redatlanta

This is a critical part of decision making in whether to stay or go in an A relationship. though our tendency may be to stop poor behavior - its that behavior that shows us what life will be like with our A. When we try to control it, and succeed for periods of time, we are fooled by actions that aren't authentic.

Watch and wait is so important - its the only way we are able to see what the A is doing. You don't want to shut this down by making demands or letting him know what you know. A's are the best at deception - yet sloppy at the same time. Its best you know that he is making these choices because these are the same choices he would make if he was living at your house.

Butterfly

Very true redatlanta!! I am beginning to see that his addiction is nothing to do with me but it's his issue that he needs to address. I need to address my own issues. It was nice to be able to deal with my anxiety and move on and enjoy a peaceful night and to be sitting here on a Sunday morning not waiting for him to come home and listen to his lies and apologies and false promises of how he is going to change and how guilty he feels and begging me not to leave him!!

gvrecovery

Thank you any key! The overuse and misuse of these acronyms make me crazy. What does AH mean anyway?

Butterfly

AH means alcoholic or addict husband. If you look at the stickies at the top of the family & friends forum there is a link to acronyms. It's easier to use these especially when typing it so much

Butterfly

The last few days he has been doing everything to try and see me. Yesterday when he came round to sort my daughters TV that her uncle left to her he conveniently forgot the remote control and said he would call today to sort it. I told him no he knows I'm busy on a Sunday in the house making dinner. He also forgot to bring my baking dishes back that were round at his mums for his uncles funeral and again said il bring them today again I said no I will collect them on Monday when he's at work. I was checking my bank account today and noticed he hadn't lodged the money he had agreed to give every month so I contacted him and he said I have cash for you il bring it round again I said no lodge it into my account please thank you!!

I have made it clear that I do t want contact with him until he's ready to sort himself out so why has he been trying to come to the house when I'm here. I am trying to be strong. When he first left he wouldn't come near the house or me now he's asking me out for lunch and trying to call when I'm here??

biminiblue

Because you are trying to take back some of your power.

He will use every opportunity to control you. Every. Opportunity.

Every time he gets a "yes" from you, he is getting to you.

Have you ever been in Sales? There is a saying amongst salespeople, "Every no gets you closer to a yes." So if he keeps interacting with you, history has shown that you will crack eventually. This is when you need a strong plan.

You've made a lot of mental progress in a short period of time. I'm pretty impressed!

Butterfly

I have usually been bombarding him with texts daily telling him I love him and always will that I'm here when he wants me. Trying to convince him to come home. I know I've had a couple of relapses but even then I didn't tell him I love him and the usual stuff or keep texting all day!!

I have accepted there are a few things I will have to contact him over but I have realised since the funeral that when I'm not focusing on him and our relationship I'm able to focus on me and my recovery and no longer will I be reassuring him I'm here when he wants me or that I will always love him he wants to be on his own he's got what he wants!

I know I am early in my recovery and will probably have good days and bad days but I will take each day as it comes.

He hasn't replied lol probably annoyed that I haven't given in!!