Synfull Vyxun

So day 2 of being back on this site, haven't heard about the job trial yet, have messaged my mother back asking for an address, and got back a message this morning:
Hi Gorgeous Girl, how are you doing? Missing you soooo much - just really hope you are truely happy and content. I am doing ok, working hard. Saffi (mother's cat) sends her love. prrr. x I love you more than life itself, wrote you a short letter yesterday so hope thats ok. The family all asked after you at the weekend. Simon (my cousin) will be a dad in 3 months. Love you Babe. Early nights these days so will write more soon. Big cuddle to you. XXX

So now I want to reply with this:

nope I am not happy and content, I am stressed, anxious, nervous and agoraphobic still, I have no confidence anymore and I am sick of all of my family, both sides, not giving a flying f**k,
u may say they all asked about me n that they care, well I had them on facebook but they never message back or anything, and the ones over here just cause more trouble than they r worth.
SO I AM ALSO SO VERY ALONE. I hope u r happy.
Do you have an address I can write to? as I am deleting facebook, I am sick of people going and telling you and dad what I am doing and talking about me behind my back, I am sick of the bullsh*t and gossip.
You can't write to grandmothers place anymore, so till dads birthday I will be at .................. (gave her my address)
It is my crappy unit that leaks in the rain and has holes in the floors, broken windows,
blocked drains and gutters, and I am paying $175 a week for this sh*thole with annoying neighbours.
So my life is not as great as you may think, I am trying to stay positive but its hard when all the nasty things you said about me still run around in my head daily. I hardly eat or sleep anymore, I am seeing a psychologist but I still think too much about crap I shouldn't.
Got a 2 day trial in one of the pubs in town this weekend. So fingers crossed I get that job and I can think about getting outta here.
Sorry if this makes you sad, but now u know I did not do this to 'punish you and break your heart' you broke my heart a long time ago. Sorry you had a crap mothers day, but think of all the crap occasions
I have had to spend alone, even when I was over there with you. Not fair, and not how your only child should be treated. You can deny all you want, but I know and remember far too much, sometimes I wish
I could get hit by a bus and develop amnesia and just forget it all.
Just like you tried to forget your dad. I love you, but I can't forgive and forget yet, it hurts too much still to know what you really think of me and how the people I thought actually loved or at least liked me, can just let me go and never talk to me again. So tell ya family that, I have actually been in touch with one aunt, she is about the only one.


or do I lie and say my life is going great, my house is amazing, my love life is fantastic and I have just got a job. That I am happy and content and wish her the same and be done with it, as then she will ring my dad and whinge about how happy I am and that must be a bad thing to her, as she has done this before to me.

FeelingGreat

Hi Renegayd, my suggestion, for what it's worth, is now you've written how you really feel, don't send it. You are seething with anger, and that's not the best time to judge. Your mother has reached out to you; you can either reply with a neutral answer, or something positive. For now, knowing her limitations, you may need to hold back on deep communications until you are back on an even keel. If you go too far, too soon you will just set yourself up to fail.
I think your mother was waiting for a sign that she could contact you and now feels safer about telling you she loves you.
Life will get better, and with it your sense of well-being. Work at it constructively, and gradually things will start falling into place, just not overnight. You might start by looking for a share house which is cheaper and more social.
Of course, keep posting here to express your true feelings and frustration in a safe understanding environment. It might also pay to ask your psychologist for some things you can do at home to progress a bit faster.

Synfull Vyxun

thank you, yes reading al of that back, made me realise, I have now vented, do not send it, I will be neutral, as I don't want to be too positive or negative, I want to give her nothing, so will just give her something.

I am looking for a better house, my lease runs out in a couple of months, phew!!! and I will ask my psych if there is anything she can offer me. thank you very much.

PlasticInsanity

Have you thought about writing out a letter and not sending it? It sounds like you still have some built up anger, and this may help release some of it.

For me, I've discovered that when I exercise, I get that extra push I need to work harder by remembering my dad in his drunken days, and even some of his recent 'relapses' (he still "mildly" drinks, but he has relapses where he gets black out drunk once in awhile - as a diabetic, obv this isn't good lol). This way, I'm able to remember it, but I'm in a place where I don't feel like that weak little girl anymore.

NJKitty

Renegayd: I do not know your backstory, but I to have written many letters that I am glad I did not actually send. It is great therapy. Of course, sometimes I would send them, but when I did, it usually blew up in my face, because for as much as I had to say, it turns out the receiver had something even more cutting to say in reply. :-/ Keep posting here and then reading back like you did. I know family is dang complicated.

Kialua

It really is great therapy. I had heard about it so often and tried writing letters to not send but it never worked for me, until I came to this site. I used the blog here and wrote my feelings there. I didn't even check the option to allow comments. Just writing it down really helped.

Synfull Vyxun

Day 4, I'm back, couldn't write yesterday, I was still in turmoil over messaging A mother. I sent her a msg just asking for her address, she sent me it finally, and asked how my studies were going, "if" I'm still doing the course, she said, as usual expecting me to fail......... so I told her it was going really well and sent her some pictures of the things I am learning and making, I was nice and calm, I felt good when I read it back, and now I know I don't have to tell her how she makes me feel, how much I hate her at the minute, and how bad my life is really going.
I know she will ring dad and be whinging to him now, but he has to learn to stand up to her now, I have done what they all wanted, they better not give me any grief or I will just give up contact with them all from now on. I know I will never keep them all happy, but I can try for as long as I can.

biminiblue

Start with making you happy. Everyone else can be on board or not.

Synfull Vyxun

I totally agree with you, and many other people who have told me this also. but they do not let me be happy unless I am keeping them happy, so how do I get around that, lol. catch 22. I get guilt trips galore from my father as my mother is missing me and had a bad mothers day, I have had a bad life. Why do I have to be the one that gets in contact with her, when I left I told her I would not be in contact until she gets help for herself, I am no longer there, so it is not for me.

makomago

[QUOTE=Synfull Vyxun;4686413]but they do not let me be happy unless I am keeping them happy, so how do I get around that.[QUOTE]

I got around that when I realised that I am responsible only for my happiness; that I cannot change/fix others, nor should I try.

One of the things that helped in that regard was understanding about my codependency issues. Having a dysfunctional/alcoholic family I'm riddled with such issues :-)