Airing Dirty Laundry vs. Keeping Secrets
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Airing Dirty Laundry vs. Keeping Secrets
I sometimes (often?) ask myself where the balance is.
I generally don't talk much to anyone about what goes on in my family. I don't want to be negative, for starters. I don't want it to be the story of my life. I'm turned off by others who are constantly making veiled references on social media, ie, airing dirty laundry. It's only going to start an ugly he said she said battle, which I already know I'll lose.
On the flip side, of course people have the wrong idea about my actions, because they don't know the whole story and I don't tell them. True to alcoholic family dysfunction, we keep our secrets, and I'm shooting myself in the foot, I sometimes feel, by holding my tongue.
I was half tempted to post about the incident that prompted this thought again today, but it would be just venting about one in a string of similar incidents. Nothing major, but yet another in a long series of incidents that let me know I deserve no respect and basic courtesy. Something that's happened before and I've shrugged it off, rolled my eyes. Today I didn't. I posted a public comment on social media making it clear this is not acceptable. Tied it to a historic story, kept it maybe a little bit lighter than it might have been, but did say something.
So am I now guilty of airing dirty laundry. Or does there come a time to say something? What do/have the rest of you done? Do you keep secrets? Do you speak up? What are the end results either way?
I generally don't talk much to anyone about what goes on in my family. I don't want to be negative, for starters. I don't want it to be the story of my life. I'm turned off by others who are constantly making veiled references on social media, ie, airing dirty laundry. It's only going to start an ugly he said she said battle, which I already know I'll lose.
On the flip side, of course people have the wrong idea about my actions, because they don't know the whole story and I don't tell them. True to alcoholic family dysfunction, we keep our secrets, and I'm shooting myself in the foot, I sometimes feel, by holding my tongue.
I was half tempted to post about the incident that prompted this thought again today, but it would be just venting about one in a string of similar incidents. Nothing major, but yet another in a long series of incidents that let me know I deserve no respect and basic courtesy. Something that's happened before and I've shrugged it off, rolled my eyes. Today I didn't. I posted a public comment on social media making it clear this is not acceptable. Tied it to a historic story, kept it maybe a little bit lighter than it might have been, but did say something.
So am I now guilty of airing dirty laundry. Or does there come a time to say something? What do/have the rest of you done? Do you keep secrets? Do you speak up? What are the end results either way?
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Just had the same thing happen to me this weekend. I caught myself but I still said too much and I wondered if I just come off as crazy or sour grapes. Someone I hadn't see for many years asked about siblings, they were puzzled that I don't keep in touch with sibs and I almost went off on them. yikes. I have never believed in keeping the secret. But how to work it into a normal innocent conversation is something that I have been thinking about today.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,462
ER, are you talking about FB or twitter? Posting snide comments? I don't share much on either. But I think it depends how big a secret it is and your role. If you are relatively innocent and you are simply responding to their original snarky comment, depends on how comfortable you are with it. Sometimes it pays to take the high road, but sometimes you have to let someone know you're not going to tolerate their antics.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 89
Sometimes I confuse talking about "Dirty Laundry" vs. my need to vent / grieve about what happened to me. Airing Dirty Laundry may, or may not be, ok, depending on the motive. Just because someone else doesn't want something talked about, however, doesn't mean I shouldn't talk about it. "Normal" children learn to talk, grieve, and get over "bad" things that happen to them.
The "requirement" that we not talk about Dirty Laundry has been "drilled into" many of us from an early age. "Don't you ever talk about what goes on inside this house with anyone else: it's not their business" is what my mother would say, in a tone of voice that said the repercussions would be worse than death...
And, so, we learn not to grieve and recover.
The "requirement" that we not talk about Dirty Laundry has been "drilled into" many of us from an early age. "Don't you ever talk about what goes on inside this house with anyone else: it's not their business" is what my mother would say, in a tone of voice that said the repercussions would be worse than death...
And, so, we learn not to grieve and recover.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Good question. I think whether it is dirty laundry or keeping secrets about it has to do with your motivations for sharing and your perspective. I can't relate to social media but there are times when I will reveal that my mom is not well to friends and keep it short and sweet. When I need to vent I do so with trusted, comfortable, close friends. I try not to "keep secrets" but I also agree with your sentiment that I don't like to make it my only story or dwell on it- not because I'm covering up but simply because I want to rise above it and focus my energy on life's rewards and positives 
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