back to rehab
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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back to rehab
My SO has decided to go back to rehab.
Wow. A very logical part of me is rejoicing; he (and I) both need this in a huge way. I know that it is the only way for him to get clean. I know that trying to do this at home on suboxone or in counseling is not going to work. I know that if he keeps doing this, he will die. Hes going to the same rehab he went to last time; it is a great facility.
But my heart hurts in a bad way at this news. This means he's going to be 1200 miles away. I wont be able to talk to him. Im going to be 32 weeks pregnant and alone at home. Im so afraid. I need him right now. Im so broken down emotionally and just very very weak. I need the strong, wonderful person that my SO is when he isnt using.
The person i need isnt going to be here until he goes and gets treatment, though. that is really the bottom line. I know this is a good thing but I am so afraid right now. More afraid than I've been living with an addict? I cant tell which fear is worse. I know I will breathe a sigh of relief once I know he is somewhere safe...
My family knows my SO has had a drug problem in the past. I never told them he went to rehab last year or that he's relapsed this year. I dont think I can handle them telling me that I need to leave him or that having a child with him was a mistake. I need support from them and I dont know how to get it... I am proud of my SO for realizing he needs more help than he can get here at home....how do I show them that this is a good thing when they've been unaware?
This stress is piling up. I feel buried. I pray this baby stays put 8-9 more weeks and my body and mind can stay strong for him and do what they are supposed to. Please remind me that this is a good thing.
Wow. A very logical part of me is rejoicing; he (and I) both need this in a huge way. I know that it is the only way for him to get clean. I know that trying to do this at home on suboxone or in counseling is not going to work. I know that if he keeps doing this, he will die. Hes going to the same rehab he went to last time; it is a great facility.
But my heart hurts in a bad way at this news. This means he's going to be 1200 miles away. I wont be able to talk to him. Im going to be 32 weeks pregnant and alone at home. Im so afraid. I need him right now. Im so broken down emotionally and just very very weak. I need the strong, wonderful person that my SO is when he isnt using.
The person i need isnt going to be here until he goes and gets treatment, though. that is really the bottom line. I know this is a good thing but I am so afraid right now. More afraid than I've been living with an addict? I cant tell which fear is worse. I know I will breathe a sigh of relief once I know he is somewhere safe...
My family knows my SO has had a drug problem in the past. I never told them he went to rehab last year or that he's relapsed this year. I dont think I can handle them telling me that I need to leave him or that having a child with him was a mistake. I need support from them and I dont know how to get it... I am proud of my SO for realizing he needs more help than he can get here at home....how do I show them that this is a good thing when they've been unaware?
This stress is piling up. I feel buried. I pray this baby stays put 8-9 more weeks and my body and mind can stay strong for him and do what they are supposed to. Please remind me that this is a good thing.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
Fear of what if is usually worse than the fears derived from reality.
My tactic for going it alone has been to try to see all the things I have to do myself as challenges, and to feel proud for managing instead of focusing on why I have to manage alone. For example, taking the garbage out used to drive me mad; it's supposed to be HIS job. But after a few times I saw that I could easily do it and it's just a small thing but I can feel proud of my self sufficiency.
(Ps, can you line up help for when baby comes? Even if he's home, your recovering so will be more drain than help...)
My tactic for going it alone has been to try to see all the things I have to do myself as challenges, and to feel proud for managing instead of focusing on why I have to manage alone. For example, taking the garbage out used to drive me mad; it's supposed to be HIS job. But after a few times I saw that I could easily do it and it's just a small thing but I can feel proud of my self sufficiency.
(Ps, can you line up help for when baby comes? Even if he's home, your recovering so will be more drain than help...)
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The man you need to help you is not the active addict but hopefully the man he will become in recovery once he is finished rehab.
If your family is not supportive, maybe find a support group near you and share with them too. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three wonderful fellowships that are about us finding our balance and living a healthy life...regardless of how our addicted loved ones are doing. It's worth a try and may just give you the peace and support you need right now.
Just take care of you and that dear baby and let tomorrow take care of itself.
Hugs
If your family is not supportive, maybe find a support group near you and share with them too. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three wonderful fellowships that are about us finding our balance and living a healthy life...regardless of how our addicted loved ones are doing. It's worth a try and may just give you the peace and support you need right now.
Just take care of you and that dear baby and let tomorrow take care of itself.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 76
I wish so badly that my family would be understanding about this. Since I have been pregnant, a lot of my friends kind of vanished. I know I will need to keep myself occupied and busy, and being home alone is not going to help me do that. I'm very scared and not in a good place emotionally. I attend NarAnon meetings. It does help some. My SO would like to tell my mother that he is going away, personally. I'm not sure how she is going to react, or if I even want her to know. But people are going to start asking questions once he is gone and he is going to miss a wedding in my family....I won't be able to excuse his absence (he's supposed to be IN the wedding!)
Some days are good, and I feel like I can manage and that we will get through this. Other days, like today, I am constantly on the verge of tears and wondering how I am going to get through my 8 hour workday without crying. I am trying to keep the tears at bay now, but good god is it hard. I know it isn't healthy for me (or the baby) when I worry about tomorrow, but it's been a rough couple months and my mind needs some peace. Tomorrow always seems like this very ominous place when it should be a place that is exciting. I think after a while, we get so used to dealing with the cycle of addiction that it is almost uncomfortable to accept that there won't be anything to worry about while the addict is gone. It's as if you really believe that your constant worrying and fretting over the addict is beneficial to anyone. I know for a fact that my highly emotional state is not helpful to me or my SO right now. But here I am anyway, worrying, wringing my hands and not sleeping at night.
I will get there. It is going to take me a long time, this time around, though. I thought it was hard last time he left. But I worked. I worked two jobs, and hard and saved money and rented a house for him to come back to. I had goals to work towards and I anticipated his return in such a huge way. It was so hard to have him gone, but I worked myself to exhaustion and I felt accomplished. He felt good too, and it made me feel like we both did something great. I so, so want that feeling again.
Some days are good, and I feel like I can manage and that we will get through this. Other days, like today, I am constantly on the verge of tears and wondering how I am going to get through my 8 hour workday without crying. I am trying to keep the tears at bay now, but good god is it hard. I know it isn't healthy for me (or the baby) when I worry about tomorrow, but it's been a rough couple months and my mind needs some peace. Tomorrow always seems like this very ominous place when it should be a place that is exciting. I think after a while, we get so used to dealing with the cycle of addiction that it is almost uncomfortable to accept that there won't be anything to worry about while the addict is gone. It's as if you really believe that your constant worrying and fretting over the addict is beneficial to anyone. I know for a fact that my highly emotional state is not helpful to me or my SO right now. But here I am anyway, worrying, wringing my hands and not sleeping at night.
I will get there. It is going to take me a long time, this time around, though. I thought it was hard last time he left. But I worked. I worked two jobs, and hard and saved money and rented a house for him to come back to. I had goals to work towards and I anticipated his return in such a huge way. It was so hard to have him gone, but I worked myself to exhaustion and I felt accomplished. He felt good too, and it made me feel like we both did something great. I so, so want that feeling again.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
I've been lurking, but haven't posted in awhile.
If I had not told my parents about my husbands drug use, I don't know how I would've gotten through those few weeks from hell. That being said, my husband now is not welcome anywhere near them, 4 out of 5 of my siblings think he is the absolute devil & I'm an absolute moron for being with him, 1 believes I might just shoot up heroin too since I'm dumb enough to have stayed. We have a 2 yr old and I am now 8 months pregnant, I was almost 6 months preg when I found out about the heroin use.
The week after I found out he was doing heroin, my mom got me to a lawyer, paid for a divorce. Completely took control of my life. Then I saw my husband again ( I did not see him at all that week) and we talked for a long time, and I was really struggling with whether or not the divorce was the right thing to do. One sibling told me that she supported me no matter what I wanted to do, so my parents decided she convinced me to not get a divorce & she is now not really welcome around our family either.
So....to sum it up....Having support is so crucial. Your families probably know something is wrong anyway, they just don't know what. So if you can inform them of the general situation while making it clear what your position is, so that you can try to downsize the criticisms of the choices you are making, that seems the best approach.
My husband has about 2 1/2 months sober, he did an intensive outpatient treatment before he moved back home, he's gone back to work, he still goes to aftercare at the treatment center & several AA/NA meetings a week. We are doing marital counseling twice a month & I go to a family group at the treatment center weekly. I'm still terrified for our future, and every once in a while catch him doing little things that bother the crap out of me, but over all, I feel like everything has been moving forward.
"I need support from them and I dont know how to get it... I am proud of my SO for realizing he needs more help than he can get here at home....how do I show them that this is a good thing when they've been unaware?"
"You know he has had some problems in the past, he has been struggling again but is taking action to prevent it from becoming a problem that hurts our family, and I am very proud of him for taking care of himself. I would appreciate your support while we work through this. If you can't, I understand, but please respect the decision we have made."
Something like that?
If I had not told my parents about my husbands drug use, I don't know how I would've gotten through those few weeks from hell. That being said, my husband now is not welcome anywhere near them, 4 out of 5 of my siblings think he is the absolute devil & I'm an absolute moron for being with him, 1 believes I might just shoot up heroin too since I'm dumb enough to have stayed. We have a 2 yr old and I am now 8 months pregnant, I was almost 6 months preg when I found out about the heroin use.
The week after I found out he was doing heroin, my mom got me to a lawyer, paid for a divorce. Completely took control of my life. Then I saw my husband again ( I did not see him at all that week) and we talked for a long time, and I was really struggling with whether or not the divorce was the right thing to do. One sibling told me that she supported me no matter what I wanted to do, so my parents decided she convinced me to not get a divorce & she is now not really welcome around our family either.
So....to sum it up....Having support is so crucial. Your families probably know something is wrong anyway, they just don't know what. So if you can inform them of the general situation while making it clear what your position is, so that you can try to downsize the criticisms of the choices you are making, that seems the best approach.
My husband has about 2 1/2 months sober, he did an intensive outpatient treatment before he moved back home, he's gone back to work, he still goes to aftercare at the treatment center & several AA/NA meetings a week. We are doing marital counseling twice a month & I go to a family group at the treatment center weekly. I'm still terrified for our future, and every once in a while catch him doing little things that bother the crap out of me, but over all, I feel like everything has been moving forward.
"I need support from them and I dont know how to get it... I am proud of my SO for realizing he needs more help than he can get here at home....how do I show them that this is a good thing when they've been unaware?"
"You know he has had some problems in the past, he has been struggling again but is taking action to prevent it from becoming a problem that hurts our family, and I am very proud of him for taking care of himself. I would appreciate your support while we work through this. If you can't, I understand, but please respect the decision we have made."
Something like that?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 76
Sadwife, everything you just posted is exactly what I am afraid of. I know my limits and I know that it will really, really hurt me to have harsh reactions from my family. His family is well aware of his addiction and know everything that is going on.. I know I can go to them for support, but I can't hide this from MY family forever.
I like your suggestion. I will have to keep it in mind. It is scary for me to say anything to them, and I feel like I will be talking to a brick wall trying to explain why I want to keep supporting him, even though I am not in a good place right now. It is ultimately up to me to decide if I've had enough and when to say "I'm done", but I really, truly do not feel now is the time to do that. If he is wholeheartedly seeking treatment, I want to be there to support his decisions. Is that wrong?
I know that I won't be swayed by their opinions, necessarily, but dealing with them if they are unpleasant is going to be very stressful for me.
I like your suggestion. I will have to keep it in mind. It is scary for me to say anything to them, and I feel like I will be talking to a brick wall trying to explain why I want to keep supporting him, even though I am not in a good place right now. It is ultimately up to me to decide if I've had enough and when to say "I'm done", but I really, truly do not feel now is the time to do that. If he is wholeheartedly seeking treatment, I want to be there to support his decisions. Is that wrong?
I know that I won't be swayed by their opinions, necessarily, but dealing with them if they are unpleasant is going to be very stressful for me.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
While there are a lot of things that should feel a certain way, they don't always feel that way at the time. It's looking at the big picture.
We are here for you my dear friend. Take good care of you.
XXX
We are here for you my dear friend. Take good care of you.
XXX
Originally Posted by BlueBones 
Thank you Hopeful. I know that it is good in the long run and that it means he is trying, even though it will be hard. This should feel like a positive thing.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Its great he's being responsible, proactive and knows what he needs to do to put the breaks on the relapse. In big picture this is great news!! But right now, oh gosh I feel for you. Im sorry about whats going on with your side of the family. They love you and I think its natural this would scare them initially. Probably they will want to take you away and keep you safe ! But after the shock do you think they will reach out to support you both ? My parents and close family/friends have been very understanding about my husband and patient with me. With a few of my friends who didnt understand about addiction I got some information from the doctor at the rehab and gave it to them, then once they had a chance to read it over we had a long talk.It helped clear up misconceptions they picked up over the years, and showed how it was going to be treated medically/psychologically. Once they understood the treatment plan it helped reinforce while its a horrible thing, but we are dealing with it in a positive way. Somehow with a plan in place it made THEM feel more comfortable !! 
Helped me too !!
You have very good writing skills BlueBones. I saw the letter you wrote to your SO, and it was intensely heartfelt, honest and kind. Maybe in addition to talking to you parents, you can write something to them? Ask then to read it over, take a couple days to process it and then let them know you need their support and would like to talk about it as a family.
((BlueBones))
Helped me too !!You have very good writing skills BlueBones. I saw the letter you wrote to your SO, and it was intensely heartfelt, honest and kind. Maybe in addition to talking to you parents, you can write something to them? Ask then to read it over, take a couple days to process it and then let them know you need their support and would like to talk about it as a family.
((BlueBones))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 76
You know, I am really not sure what their final reaction will be. I think the biggest fear I have is with my mother. My father was an alcoholic when I was growing up. I think he is not as bad now as he has gotten older, but the point is, my mother knows what it is like to live with an addicted spouse. I can only imagine she would never want me to go through the things she did. And to be fair, I don't want to either! I watched my parents fight about these same things when I was growing up! It was really rough.
My point is, I think it is hard for her to differentiate between her relationship with my father and my relationship with my SO. And why shouldn't it be hard? They aren't that different in the sense that both of them have addictions. I, however, feel like my SO wants to get help, whereas my dad was never truly invested in getting sober. This will be my SO's third stint in rehab, but that has to count for something. He keeps going back, and each time he has a little more clean time. To me that speaks volumes. He has a problem, recognizes it and knows that he needs professional help. He's even been able to see where his recovery went wrong this time around and I am so glad that he has this bit of clarity about himself; he knows that he can't do it alone.
Explaining that to her might prove a little more difficult though.. I think I might have to plan out a way for my SO and I to sit down and talk with my family, or at least my mom. Writing could be a good way to do that. Sometimes I think it's the best way to get it all out. I guess what I really need is to be able to go to my family after work, or on my days off when I am feeling especially lonely and be able to say "I'm not comfortable being home alone right now. Can we spend some time together?" and feel comforted doing that, instead of afraid.
Thank you, BlueChair. Hugs
My point is, I think it is hard for her to differentiate between her relationship with my father and my relationship with my SO. And why shouldn't it be hard? They aren't that different in the sense that both of them have addictions. I, however, feel like my SO wants to get help, whereas my dad was never truly invested in getting sober. This will be my SO's third stint in rehab, but that has to count for something. He keeps going back, and each time he has a little more clean time. To me that speaks volumes. He has a problem, recognizes it and knows that he needs professional help. He's even been able to see where his recovery went wrong this time around and I am so glad that he has this bit of clarity about himself; he knows that he can't do it alone.
Explaining that to her might prove a little more difficult though.. I think I might have to plan out a way for my SO and I to sit down and talk with my family, or at least my mom. Writing could be a good way to do that. Sometimes I think it's the best way to get it all out. I guess what I really need is to be able to go to my family after work, or on my days off when I am feeling especially lonely and be able to say "I'm not comfortable being home alone right now. Can we spend some time together?" and feel comforted doing that, instead of afraid.
Thank you, BlueChair. Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You may be surprised in what they already know. I sure was.
When I broke down and told my family everything I was shocked that they knew and were just waiting for me to open up about it. It was a big relief and they provided me with HUGE support to be strong and make the right decisions for my situation.
Hugs.
When I broke down and told my family everything I was shocked that they knew and were just waiting for me to open up about it. It was a big relief and they provided me with HUGE support to be strong and make the right decisions for my situation.
Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 76
I have my suspicions that my one uncle knows he is using again. He and I are very close and I think he can just tell something isn't right.
I am not as worried about most of my family so much as my mom. I think my mom has a hard time with letting me deal with things, ya know? I get it. She doesn't want me to do the things she did or get hurt. I guess it comes with the territory of being her only child!
I am not as worried about most of my family so much as my mom. I think my mom has a hard time with letting me deal with things, ya know? I get it. She doesn't want me to do the things she did or get hurt. I guess it comes with the territory of being her only child!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
BB, keeping secrets can be really exhausting. You can't control how your family will react, and it might also be exhausting trying to plan the conversation in order to get the result you hope for. One of my favorite recovery sayings is "what other people think of me is none of my business." But do remember: even if you are honest, they can't make decisions for you unless you allow them to. You can be honest with them and still choose to live your life as it suits you.
As an ACOA, finding the courage to be authentic with people even when I have news that will upset them has been SO difficult for me. I grew up sweeping things under the rug. But I've found that lying really intensifies my anxiety and depression, so I try to stick with honesty and authenticity. In fact, one of my boundaries is that I will not be in a relationship that makes me feel like I have to keep secrets from my close friends and family.
As an ACOA, finding the courage to be authentic with people even when I have news that will upset them has been SO difficult for me. I grew up sweeping things under the rug. But I've found that lying really intensifies my anxiety and depression, so I try to stick with honesty and authenticity. In fact, one of my boundaries is that I will not be in a relationship that makes me feel like I have to keep secrets from my close friends and family.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by BlueBones
You know, I am really not sure what their final reaction will be. I think the biggest fear I have is with my mother. My father was an alcoholic when I was growing up. I think he is not as bad now as he has gotten older, but the point is, my mother knows what it is like to live with an addicted spouse. I can only imagine she would never want me to go through the things she did. And to be fair, I don't want to either! I watched my parents fight about these same things when I was growing up! It was really rough.
My point is, I think it is hard for her to differentiate between her relationship with my father and my relationship with my SO. And why shouldn't it be hard? They aren't that different in the sense that both of them have addictions. I, however, feel like my SO wants to get help, whereas my dad was never truly invested in getting sober. This will be my SO's third stint in rehab, but that has to count for something. He keeps going back, and each time he has a little more clean time. To me that speaks volumes. He has a problem, recognizes it and knows that he needs professional help. He's even been able to see where his recovery went wrong this time around and I am so glad that he has this bit of clarity about himself; he knows that he can't do it alone.
Explaining that to her might prove a little more difficult though.. I think I might have to plan out a way for my SO and I to sit down and talk with my family, or at least my mom. Writing could be a good way to do that. Sometimes I think it's the best way to get it all out. I guess what I really need is to be able to go to my family after work, or on my days off when I am feeling especially lonely and be able to say "I'm not comfortable being home alone right now. Can we spend some time together?" and feel comforted doing that, instead of afraid.
Thank you, BlueChair. Hugs
My point is, I think it is hard for her to differentiate between her relationship with my father and my relationship with my SO. And why shouldn't it be hard? They aren't that different in the sense that both of them have addictions. I, however, feel like my SO wants to get help, whereas my dad was never truly invested in getting sober. This will be my SO's third stint in rehab, but that has to count for something. He keeps going back, and each time he has a little more clean time. To me that speaks volumes. He has a problem, recognizes it and knows that he needs professional help. He's even been able to see where his recovery went wrong this time around and I am so glad that he has this bit of clarity about himself; he knows that he can't do it alone.
Explaining that to her might prove a little more difficult though.. I think I might have to plan out a way for my SO and I to sit down and talk with my family, or at least my mom. Writing could be a good way to do that. Sometimes I think it's the best way to get it all out. I guess what I really need is to be able to go to my family after work, or on my days off when I am feeling especially lonely and be able to say "I'm not comfortable being home alone right now. Can we spend some time together?" and feel comforted doing that, instead of afraid.
Thank you, BlueChair. Hugs
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
"it is almost uncomfortable to accept that there won't be anything to worry about while the addict is gone"
wow, yeah, BB that is true. I never thought of it like that before. But it wasn't good thinking on my part. It was just easy to allow myself to not worry about all the other stuff in life that I should, and just focus on this one problem, to justify that tunnel vision as caring, when it would have been so much healthier to maintain balance for myself even if I couldn't balance him.
"I so, so want that feeling again. "
And that, I totally relate to. Unfortunately in my case, I have realized that it was a sign of really terrible dynamics in my relationship. I was kind of addicted to the roller coaster I guess, willing to put up with the crap because of the highs. But now I have been questioning whether the highs were really that good, or if it was just that they were good in comparison to the lows.
I think I ended up being more attached to chasing that feeling than being attached to the actual person (flaws and all) who should have been the focus if I was actually romantically involved. I had become a caregiver and my paycheck was those moments, but now I can see I want a partner and the whole relationship can be the paycheck.
wow, yeah, BB that is true. I never thought of it like that before. But it wasn't good thinking on my part. It was just easy to allow myself to not worry about all the other stuff in life that I should, and just focus on this one problem, to justify that tunnel vision as caring, when it would have been so much healthier to maintain balance for myself even if I couldn't balance him.
"I so, so want that feeling again. "
And that, I totally relate to. Unfortunately in my case, I have realized that it was a sign of really terrible dynamics in my relationship. I was kind of addicted to the roller coaster I guess, willing to put up with the crap because of the highs. But now I have been questioning whether the highs were really that good, or if it was just that they were good in comparison to the lows.
I think I ended up being more attached to chasing that feeling than being attached to the actual person (flaws and all) who should have been the focus if I was actually romantically involved. I had become a caregiver and my paycheck was those moments, but now I can see I want a partner and the whole relationship can be the paycheck.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
"It is ultimately up to me to decide if I've had enough and when to say "I'm done", but I really, truly do not feel now is the time to do that."
If you think this, then it isn't time. IMHO when it is time to leave you can do it without looking back and second guessing whether it is the right decision (not that its easy, but that you know despite the awfulness that its right). If you do decide in the future to do that, don't feel like you have wasted this time; it is the time you need to cut the ties so you don't end up still attached as you run away. And no matter what you decide today you are always allowed to change your mind later.
If you think this, then it isn't time. IMHO when it is time to leave you can do it without looking back and second guessing whether it is the right decision (not that its easy, but that you know despite the awfulness that its right). If you do decide in the future to do that, don't feel like you have wasted this time; it is the time you need to cut the ties so you don't end up still attached as you run away. And no matter what you decide today you are always allowed to change your mind later.
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