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Accepting No Contact; Progress Not Perfection

Old 02-28-2015, 09:21 AM
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Accepting No Contact; Progress Not Perfection

My active heroin addict daughter continues in no contact...I love her enough to not do so much of the crazy stuff I did in 2013--search the worst areas of San Francisco for her...go into transient hotels...walk through sidewalks filled with drugs and users and homeless (I worked in that area a few years back in a non-profit for intravenous drug users to treat AIDS) so know that this is even worse than the part I was in before.

I have moved on in taking care of me...which is a sadly neglected area...and my naranon meetings, SR, working my program have aided me in keeping up the job search and this week I got a 3 day consulting job...and it was so good and felt as if my shattered self esteem came together a bit...and I am grateful to my HP for this.

I did leave a message on my daughter's facebook, but she has not responded and her pattern is not to respond when she is with her bf (a long-time dealer and user himself from so ca) or when she is making her finances work through the lifestyle of drug use. He posted a picture of her and he on fb right after her birthday in January and they were together...that was the last day she talked to me...she tries to talk to her father as he is an enabler but got me...was pleasant and made a date to see me but then broke it off when I called to confirm.

I pray for her now...and work on focusing on life today...in this moment...and have been able to re-detach with love more quickly (the need for a job and paying bills has been pervasive...so thank you God for the gift of desperation).

I am also continuing to maintain in working on my sugar addiction and binge eating addiction that was the silver lining over the past 2 years...and feel healthier in that regard...so grateful.

Thanks to SR...you have been instrumental in lifting me when I was at the lowest I have ever been ... despite the death of a child 24 years ago...as the potential death of another child is overwhelming unless I stay in good detachment which is easy to lose...and yet...the serenity in turning her over to my HP is also so good. I am also turning H over to HP...lifelong binge drinker...but had gotten better until moving to So. America where he resumed life as a macho guy--drinking and whatever...don't know if there was whatever except for someone who told me from there...but it was mixed with business...and people can be very dishonest there...especially about money. The drinking and hanging out with the guys is what is known as 'being a friend of your friends' for the men there...they put their men friends ahead of wife, children and family...aren't even aware of it and deny it...but the women know and it was women who told me about it...multiples...

Now that I have turned over the addicted loved ones to whom I am addicted...just working my program and working my program.

Am learning more from reading and understanding more of what I have learned over the past 19 years with the serial addictions of my kids and an AH (until at least 12 years ago)--don't believe he is a RAH but may be abstaining...but the anger issues (from forever) and the harsh tone when I am not doing what he wants and has passively aggressively manipulated and controlled over a lifetime (I have made progress on how manipulable I am...but ACA issues make me very manipulable)...so...well...walking my path towards better and I feel better...even with the financial issues which I have turned over to my HP day by day and been able to keep a roof over head and basic utilities...and basic food...so am very very grateful...it has not been easy...and it is not over...but my program works for these situations as well.

I have my money in a private account now (made me emotionally sick to set that up last June...but did at the advice of a therapist and it is a Godsend now)--which has made it possible to pay those basic bills...as in the 'shared' account we have had for 40 years...either he takes the money without communicating...taking away from the rent transfer or whatever...and then yells and screams when I ask him to replace...or simply says he does not have...and does nothing...and after having a setback last month...I paid cash directly to landlord this month and started talking directly to landlord instead of going through him as was happening...as he is a poor communicator (none at all--so I find out every unpleasant surprise when it is already a mess--years of experience with this...and it is bad enough now that I need to make sure that our money goes towards the basics in order of priority)...and so I have rent paid for another 30 days...and the restricted account makes it more possible to trust that I will be able to accumulate the needed for next month.

Progress not Perfection...that was one of my first 'ah ha's' in recovery...and I am back on the train track...small steps...in the direction of recovery for me...and letting him cover his own business (heard it called take care of my side of the street and letting him take care of his) except where to do so harms us both (the rent, the utilities, the food).

He has made another 'business deal' in Chile and is getting sued for the last hope I had had for a better restart there...a house that he bought a property for and was constructing and ran out of money. In Chile...he owns everything...he didn't take one step to help me take the steps to be able to jointly own...and I found out the hard way...that unless he chooses to share jointly...which he said over and over he would...he was there for 3 years to my 10 months...no steps taken...so I am operating as if he is taking it for him or it is gone...based on experience of the past. He does not seem to believe it is his job or responsibility to contribute anything unless I ask and nag...and I do that with his job here...for about $300 in Dec, $500 in Jan, and about the same in Feb. He won't let me touch it...although when it was my savings...I held everything jointly but live and learn.

He is leaving in two weeks. My therapist mentioned that regardless of reason...he is self centered, selfish and self absorbed...so narcissistic it is...I might not be able to afford him. I have been thinking about that as I have applied for state insurance (still pending) and was on the verge of food stamps...have to see how and if that unfolds. My children are those traits as well...(a therapist told me that in June after some very unpleasant incidents of blaming, projecting, etc. which assured me that I have become the scapegoat in my immediate family as well--and as I have set some boundaries...been ignored and given silent treatment (extended periods of time) and as Dad has aligned with kids openly now...well, I am becoming very aware that I need to allow them their lives...and their choices...and that I can make my own as well). This is a step forward from 15 years ago when I was told I was the 'safe' parent...and that is why they pushed on me so hard...it has been a very long haul.

I have told him that I want to work on our relationship...and that he has to choose that...that he can't just change all the rules of our 44 year relationship in an instant and think that I am going to just accept. He won't talk about it...or postpones it with later...which I have come to recognize as a 'no'...so he has joined the category of what I always had my mother in...as a child...and before better understanding...the 'no' people...emotionally unavailable, both long time drinkers (whether they do it now or not), both wanting to party and have fun at the expense of family and other responsibilities, both wanting to be taken care of...and to support (when their caretaker did everything) their caretakers around what they wanted rather than what was theirs to do.

I can even be grateful for my ACA work...it has helped me understand my immediate family situation now.

Going to work today and so grateful to be doing something that I do well...and the consulting (contract) work takes me out of having to be 'in charge' which can lead to 'controlling' and other unhealthy behaviors sometimes...so it is good. Less money; more peace of mind and heart...not even a choice anymore...which it was for many years when I felt I needed to provide for everyone and everything.

I am working on my own recovery...learned about Duct Tape for the first time here on SR and am practicing that...have a ways to go...as I am a transparent, honest person...however, with family...duct tape all the way as they quack a lot (& don't seem to remember anything later...just this very moment...so it doesn't help for me to feel their feelings and try to help even with compassionate statements...as they then seem to turn around and project that on me...and make it my issue).

OK--well so glad I get to work today...and continue to turn all over...and over and over...all...that I can be aware of...and to ask my HP (God for me) to Change Me; Bless 'Them'...a prayer of many years...but lost in the past couple of years. Just learned a new acronym around my daughter (& my functional non-using addicts--one just started AA (thank you God)--70 days clean...she has been the worst of the blamers and when she and Dad ally it is unbearable (almost always)--and the other very co-dependent to her sister and Dad so for them...it is to continue the let go, let God); HOPE--Hang On. Pain Ends.

I can see that with continued recovery for me...that can happen...without it...I am lost.

Everyone...have a wonderful day!
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Old 02-28-2015, 10:08 AM
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So sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you are taking care of yourself, which is most important. God has seen you through to this point and has kept you safe and guided you to take the steps you have needed to take care of yourself. Your daughters' recovery and others in your life is out of your hands and all you can do is Let Go and Let God. I am struggling with this too, but I know I am powerless over my AS disease and can only and must take care of myself and my younger son. I pray that you continue to find peace and serenity.
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Old 02-28-2015, 04:57 PM
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Irisgardens, you have come so very far since we first met you here. You are no longer a victim, you are no longer without resources of your own, you have reclaimed your power and your life and your light just shines brightly here.

I am so glad you got this job, it is perfect for you right now. It may grow to more, it may lead to something else, but for now it is exactly what you need...funny how life works out that way.

Sure, there are still struggles in your life but instead of the struggles overcoming you, you can now take a stand and decide what you want to do with it all.

Life always gets better, the dark days never last forever. So put on your sunscreen and get out there and enjoy every day.

Hug
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Old 03-01-2015, 06:30 AM
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Ann,
I'm sorry for what originally brought you to SR but out of pain comes healing. Not only for you, but all of the people that you help here each day. You have brought hope, peace and inner strength. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
I wish you a blessed day filled with sunshine and smiles,
JOIE
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Old 03-01-2015, 06:41 AM
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irisgardens ... your struggles and successes bring hope and kinship to each of us. Witnessing you move forward through each step, watching you grow stronger and feeling more confident, gives us hope. I'm so happy for you. I am sure each day has many challenges but you have stayed the path, creating momentum. Hugs for you
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Old 03-01-2015, 09:39 AM
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Thank you to all...your understanding and encouragement means so much.

So grateful to you and this community...the support makes a huge difference in my strength and ability to move forward...and confront...as things unfold...what is mine to deal with and to leave to others what is theirs (so hard when it also brings me pain often)...and yet...it is not my pain to bear...and so the emotional detachment and ability with time to release in love is so much a blessing...along with other things that I am learning now...and no longer stuck in past recovery...practicing those steps...but moving deeper into what will make me healthier...with time and actions...and help from God (my HP).

I find myself so inspired by the posting of each of you and so many others...that all I can say is thank you...often...because in reading about your journey...I learn about my own...and with time...become more aware of what I need to do as me...and what I need to leave for others (no matter how beloved) to do as them. Praying has always been a comfort and a spiritual vocation from as early as 4 years old...so I continue praying and ask for God to show me the way and what to do...

Thank you SR...thank you...I am grateful for the moments of serenity I have been able to recapture...and the strength to do what is mine to do...whatever it is every day...

God Bless you all.
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