asm505

For some reason I seem to be questioning my decision today to leave my husband. I think its because everyone that finds out I am leaving my husband is like, Wow, that's a shocker. Why is it so much of a shock that things can look perfect from the outside but on the inside it is not so much.

I find myself doubting my expectations and my needs. Maybe my husband is right, maybe I expect too much. Just last night I was 100% sure of my decision so why am I doubting myself now? I hate this stage. I need to keep my eye on the prize and remember that I was lonely even when we were together and on the surface things were ok but there was no depth or substance to our relationship, at least from my stand point there wasn't. Financially I felt supported but in most other ways, I didn't and actually from a career standpoint, it was exactly the opposite. He held me back because of his insecurities.

Are these days normal?

Janq

I'm struggling with similar feelings, also having left only recently (about 2 weeks ago). I know that I am never going back (as in not going to stay married), but still, it's hard. I haven't told people who weren't already aware of my situation, so my family and most friends do not know. I think it will be hard to explain and I probably will not talk with those people who are more on the outskirts of my life until after my life has stabilized more.

Your husband is not right, and you have made the right choice (to leave) and you know it. It is just hard dealing with the crazy waves of emotion, the loneliness (although I, too, was very lonely IN the relationship as well and sometimes also remind myself of that!), etc.

It's normal to doubt yourself, but deep down, you know you've made the right decision and that this is what is healthy and leads to a better future for you, rather than a repeat of all the things you've been through. It is much easier to stay stuck in an unhealthy pattern, or to go back to something that feels familiar. You know this is right, so give yourself more time to adjust and adapt to everything that is new and unfamiliar. Over time, you will only be more and more sure that you have made the right choices.

You've got my support! You are doing great; better than you think.

asm505

Janq....thank you so much for your kind words and much like you, yes, I know this is the right decision. We are separated but still working out the details of our property settlement so I can buy my own place. Once I get through this, I will be better.

It is nice to know that this is normal and not necessarily a sign to stay and try ONCE AGAIN!

You have my support too and if you ever need to chat, send me a message. This website has gotten me through some really bad days and people have helped me work through all the crazy emotions that go with this.

dandylion

asm505---actually, you allowed him to hold you back because of YOUR insecurities.

So, other people are "shocked".....really, so what!? You can't run your life based on what other people, who don't even know what you are going through, think! No one is going to understand unless they have walked in your shoes with a partner. You have to go to sleep in your own skin at night--they don't.

Remember that card with all the worst parts of the relationship written on it? It would help if you read that hourly for a while.

If you read the dozens or .......lol, hundreds.....of posts on this forum of others who have been in exactly your situation.....feelings of self doubt and guilt and fear of the unknown is par for the course. You can expect these feelings to emerge for some time.
You just have to expect this and acknowledge that it is going to happen---and suck it up.

This transition period can be extremely painful, emotionally. But it decreases and disappears, eventually. It will go away. It is living through short-term pain for long-term gain. Going back to a toxic relationship is ongoing pain.....forever.

Short term pain...or, .....long term pain.

You are in the m iddle of the river, right now. Don't stop swimming until you reach the other side!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

allysen

Yes, this is normal. Asking the "what if" questions are part of the grieving process. You're grieving the loss of a companion, your marriage, and the loss of the 'marriage that never was.' Having doubts is another way of saying that we are feeling guilty, which is also a normal part of grief. Like dandylion said, this does pass. And eventually family members come to accept it too and the shocked reactions they give are a thing of the past. I've been separated from my husband for a year now and yes, it does get better! Even wonderful!

asm505

You know what? I think I figured out that I am not having doubts over ending the relationship. It is the fact that he is staying with his sister and one time during an angry conversation he threatened to move home saying I can't keep him out of the house and I know that he is right. I am fearful that he will move back before I can settle on my new place. That is my sick feeling. Him moving home would be so uncomfortable for everyone especially my girls.