PurpleWilder

There are a lot of things going on in this thread, so please bear with me as I try to sort them out.

1. The more I hear from the kids about my XAH and his new girlfriend, the more enraged I become. They went out to a mall and bought some stuff for the kids and got ice cream. Its like they get to be the little family unit and I just get to be the outsider, slowly going insane with anger and jealousy. I have tried everything I can think of to try and get past this issue - being loving towards myself, exercising a lot, buying some new clothes which I badly needed - in essence, investing in myself and trying not to obsess. But today it just isn't working.

2. The result of this is I find myself badmouthing my XAH about financial matters in front of the kids, which I know is SOOO wrong. But I get so durned angry that NOW all of a sudden he has all this money to go out with the kids on and buy them stuff. From the time of the divorce right up until he started in with the girlfriend, I paid for everything like that 90% of the time 'cause he was just SO broke and I didn't want the kids to have to suffer for it. All of us going out to eat? I paid. Going to a museum? I paid....cause I didn't want to make a big deal about it.

3. So, I've obviously been played - or, more likely, he just didn't respect me enough to bother doing his fair share of the planning and financing of stuff we did together. Maybe it was just a way of getting back at me for supposedly causing the divorce, I dunno.

4. Because I bottled up all the feelings from the divorce and from the relationship that blew up on me before I met my now XAH, I find it coming out all over the place. I feel like this should be a good thing. I tried for 20 years to intellectualize my emotions, with the grand result of making myself a basket case. I'm getting it out, I'm starting to deal - but I'm being a ranty, whiney, vengeful b***h while I'm doing it. Not good for the kids at all and I know it, but sometimes I feel like there is a demon dancing on my tongue.

5. The kids asked why I am so upset to hear about the things they do with their dad and his GF. I said 'cause their dad is an a*****e (which I later apologized for). I told them there are a lot of things between your dad and me that you don't know about and it wouldn't be right for me to tell you at this age.

6. I finally told the kids that I had a lot of issues bottled up from before (see point 4 above) and that it was gonna take me some time to work through it all. I told them I didn't deal with it when I should have so I have to go through it now and it wasn't gonna be pleasant or easy but eventually I would get to the other side and things would be better.

7. I also had to deal with an idea from the XAH that for our DD's junior high graduation we should do something together as a family. As much as I know our DD might want this, the idea of spending any extended amount of time with him playing nice just turns my stomach. I confess to my immaturity in recent events but despite that this man is an egotistical jerk. And there is a significant part of me that believes this is more of an excuse for him to smugly parade his new life in front of me. I am trying to maintain as little contact with him as possible because if he knew how much all this bothered me he would just rachet it up that much more. I need the distance of no/minimal contact to sort out my feelings and work through everything and come out healthy on the other side. Any time I spend with him is detrimental to that even if it benefits the kids and I am afraid that is something they are just gonna have to accept. I told my DD that I was very sorry but I didn't think that a joint outing was in our future.

Yes, all this is jumbled and messed up but I feel there is/are a uniting theme or themes in all of this. I just can't use the same brains and feelings that got me into all this to get me out - hence this thread to the united wisdom of SR.

Any ideas? Strategies to help me work through all these emotions spouting up all over the place?

Thanks for reading.

dandylion

Dearest Purple.....one strategy that does work (if you actually do it)...and, I can testify...cause I have done it myself (LOL). It works to externalize your anger, and keep the demons off your tongue, and, keep you from exploding inside.

Go to someplace where nobody can hear you. I went to the woods. Pretend that he and gf are in front of you. Yell at them everything that you would want to say if they were there. Say everything--no filters!!! Yell as loud and as long as you can--be as ugly and mean as you want. Yell until the tears are used up and the snot is running down your face. Cry until you are exhausted. This is amazingly cathartic!! Do it as often as you need to.

This works...I swear that it does. As for the intellectual part of dealing with it--take that to your therapist or alanon or SR or anywhere there is some who cares about you.

dandylion

BlueSkies1

It's very difficult to accept that life isn't fair, that people aren't fair, that justice isn't served.
How can you simply get to that point where you accept it?
When you can accept, then you can stop thinking about it. The problem that plagues you will be solved. You won't need to think about it, your mind won't try to think about it, your thoughts won't keep returning to it, because it will be solved, no problem will exist with acceptance.
I think you might consider that acceptance would be a great thing because you would stop robbing yourself of so many moments of your life. The time you spend thinking about him, what if instead you were thinking about that new play coming out? That garden? That new bathroom paint? That trip you want to take? That...you pick...the possibilities are simply endless!
Don't rob yourself of seeing the beauty in your life anymore. Isn't the time spent, the moments lost, the stress, not worth it? There's no payoff!

Katchie

Bless your heart! It is awful and you have every right to your feelings and they are perfectly understandable. You're not wrong in what you feel. I think Dandylions idea is superb and Im putting that in my own memory banks for future use if needed.

Regarding all this money he now supposedly has; well, maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. Just because he's buying the kids things and flaunting it doesn't mean he has tons of money. What it could mean is that he is quickly accumulating a lot of debt trying to impress the kids and GF.

And as for the GF. She could probably use some pity because she has no idea the devil she has jumped in bed with. All she hears are his lies and knows nothing about the real him, but she will find out in due time and so will your kids.

I hope you have a therpist or you're in alanon to help sort all of this thru. Big hugs, you're going to be alright. Now, go find a wooded area to have a screaming, crying, jumping up and down fit to get it all out.

iSPAZ

PurpleDurple - If he is an alcoholic there will be the same dysfunction in this new and glamorous relationship as there was in yours. The new will wear off and when the honeymoon is over the ends will start to fray. Part of my problem with some of my frustrations in the beginning (post divorce) were of my own making and own thinking. Take for instance your ice cream scenario. My first thought would have been look at them parading around with my money from the unfair divorce and acting like they are good parents and so on. Or on the contrary I could think I am glad they are doing something that the children enjoy. I am glad they spent some quality time with their father while he was sober. I am happy I had some time to do the things I wanted to do without paying for a baby sitter. I am happy that the new GF is accepting of my children and not abusive to them.
My point is for me trying to find any positive for myself or the kids has help change my negative thinking pattern. Even small things like I am glad the money was spent on ice cream for the kids instead of booze. For me changing these thinking patterns has helped me come to peace with the situation and I have let hate and resentment. I tend to be a black or white, good or bad, right or wrong, all in or all out type of thinker. Finding the gray areas or the middle ground has been a real struggle. Maybe the trip to the cream place is a fond memory of their father that someday they will cherish as he progresses into his addiction. Maybe your ex someday will reflect on the time at the ice cream place spent with the children and think that he would prefer that over booze. At least it is a memory for comparison. Fun time with the kids vs hangover and puking. Some alcoholics simply do not have anything positive to reflect upon. All they know is the booze. I don't recall any good times with my mother who has been drowning in addictions since I was a small child. I am now 45 and she is 65. I would like to have some fond memories but I just don't. When my ex takes my daughter to the nail place and they have a good mother daughter time I no longer have resentment and I tell my daughter to cherish those moments. Please continue to try to do good thing for yourself and feel good about them. I had a hard time with this at first. I even felt somewhat selfish. Today I feel less selfish when taking care of myself. I hope you find peace.

lillamy

So I don't have all the facts of the case, HOWEVER -- I would be willing to bet that new girlfriend equals wanting to impress equals racking up significant credit card debt in order to play the perfect little family. You know it won't last. So try not to obsess over it.

As for the graduation -- you have every right to say NO to XAH's idea to "do something together as a family." Newsflash: You're NOT a family anymore. Let him do his thing with the new girlfriend, you do your thing for DD.

And I can so relate to the progression of bottling up and intellectualizing feelings and then having them explode all over the place. I've spent the last 10 months being a flippin' basket case because all my 20 years of stuffed emotions have decided it's time to come out and face the music. It ain't pretty. We're not perfect. But I think getting those feelings out is necessary. My therapist said something similar to dandylion -- she said "drive out the highway and go to a pull off where you're alone. And then scream and cry and rant and use ALL the swear words you can think of and while you're at it, make up some new ones. GET IT OUT. Tantrum like a toddler!"

It felt really good. I felt like a crazy person, but it felt REALLY good.

dandylion

Purple---speaking of "fairness"...and, there is no fairness in a relationship with an addict. There just isn't.

Expecting fairness in this kind of situation narcissistic alcoholic) is like expecting that the bull won't attack you because you are vegan.lmao

dandylion

FireSprite

Purple - I can feel your anger & anxiety straight through the computer monitor.

I'm chiming in with the rest to say I've also used the "scream it out" technique & it is AMAZING for releasing some of the physical stress from all of this. I used to lock myself in a closet when no one else was home but I think Dandylion's idea of going out into nature is awesome too. It's way better than exposing the kids to it & having to "undo" later whatever you say in anger today.

The shopping with the kids thing reminds me of FaceBook - what you see isn't necessarily the truth no matter how happy-go-lucky it first appears. He may be running up debt or the new GF is picking up the tab unbeknownst to you. Looks all wonderful on the surface, but the dysfunction still lurks behind the scenes. Most likely, whatever "show" he is putting on right now won't last once the honeymoon phase of their relationship is over anyway.

For DD's big day - outside of the graduation ceremony there is NO reason that you have to socialize & celebrate together with him & the GF. You can each have your separate quality time with her & be way less stressed. I think that's perfectly acceptable & appropriate... DD won't get anything out of everyone trying to force a "Big Happy Family" facade anyway.

Katchie

This is soooo true! Your daughter would feel the tension in the room and no doubt, your ex will have it too. I think its only natural the both of you would no matter what the ex is saying. I think your wise not to want to be part of that for your sake and your daughters even if she doesn't understand it right now.

PurpleWilder

Thank you for all of your replies.

Let me just say that the whole time we were married he was sober. It has only been post divorce that he has gone "back out". So the kids weren't really exposed to that.

And I don't think he is suggesting that we all go out with the GF and do something. The kids have noticed that he goes to great pains to make sure that we don't actually cross paths. I am fairly sure that has to do with the fact that if she ever laid eyes on me she would be surprised to find that I'm not bright red and sporting horns and a tail.

And that I might just be tempted to give her a few inside tips on how to deal with a controlling, manipulative, disrespectful....ahem! Anyway, whatever fable he has spun regarding me would immediately be ruined.

I think that I'm gonna sit down with the kids tonight (they are 13 and 11, BTW) and try, without going into ugly and inappropriate details, talk about some of the emotions I am dealing with right now. About my upbringing, prior relationship pre-XAH, and XAH.

I want them to know that having an emotional problem is not a shameful thing and working on it is an admirable goal. It's gonna take some time, it won't always be pretty, and I won't always do it well. But everyday you just keep hacking away at it and someday you are past it. You may stumble over it again some time in the future but that doesn't mean it knocks you down.

I like the idea of just going out into the woods but here in the burbs they can be a little hard to come by so I will probably just write/draw/scratch it out on paper first.

Also thinking of hitting some CODA meetings - I see a lot of that in all of this. Melody Beattie is literally saving my life these days.

And I want to move on. I want to get over all of this. I want to get healthy, go out into the world, find a nice guy and enjoy THAT part of life and loving. And I can't do any of that bent in half with hate, resentment, bottled emotions and loathing. In Beyond Codependency, Beattie says that "it's OK to want to be in a relationship, and it's OK to be looking for one. Acknowledge and accept your desire to be in a relationship. It's a normal, healthy, human desire." But she also says "You may want to be in a healthy relationship, but if you haven't done your homework (FOO work) and changed your messages, you may 'need' to be (or end up) in a relationship that's abusive, caretaking or similar to past ones".

NOPE NOPE NOPE don't want that to happen so maybe CODA is the place for me. I had these types of issues with myself long before I met XAH so I think I will give it a try. I work O/N so this is a bit challenging but I will try.

dandylion

Purple---Respectfully, I suggest to be cautious in delving into your personal issues with children (even 13 and 11yrs.)---because you may think they will get a certain message and they could get another, unintended one. While another adult may comprehend such emotions--children do not have the life experience nor the frames of reference to deal with such material.

Children are very prone to internalizing such material to think that they are somehow the fault. They worry about their own security (a lot)....and wonder what will happen to them in the future if mom is torn-up inside. They are always looking to you for cues.
In particular--the issue of anger at their dad is like a land-mine of emotional material to a developing child.

Psychologists often speak of "parentalizing" children by having peer-like relationships with them--rather than having some durable boundaries which keeps the parent and child role very clear.

Kids like to know that you are the "Captain of their ship" and that everything is going to be o.k.--even though it may be storming outside. If you come across as secure and stable--this is what they take comfort in.

What I am saying is that it would be wise to give a lot of thought before unburdening yourself to the children.......

dandylion

Live

I used to cuss at trees AND throw rocks at them. No access now but I can write pages in a fury.

(((hugs))))

LifeRecovery

Purple-

We can be on the angry train together.

I agree with so much of what was written above. My therapist congratulated me when the anger finally hit.....she is excited for me and views it that I have hit another level of recovery.

She had a couple of additional book suggestions Dance of Anger by Harriet Learner and Anger by Tich Nach Hahn (sp?). I have had to read in chunks because she told me that it is not appropriate for me to be trying to "not" be angry right now....it is appropriate to learn it, feel it and be with it.

The biggest thing that has helped me (with her guidance) has been to work on feeling it, not stuffing it away (I know where that got me). I am almost relishing being angry, and at times I am grateful for the anger.....I am grateful I can be angry. I got very hurt for a long time because I did not think anger was okay, or that I had a right to be angry.

My therapist has been a god send....she is not afraid of me angry, she is supporting me angry. She is letting me be angry at her (my anger is not always connected to something right now). My anger is not too big for her. She is okay when I say things like....."It is not being angry at or about someone right now.....it is about the fact that I can feel angry, huh!" I can't remember if you have that kind of support right now, but I am also leaning on friendships that can "handle" emotion (people that have done their own work).

Thanks for letting me write this. Congrats on joining the party!

This experience has helped me to "normalize" anger.

PurpleWilder

Thank you for your reminder to be cautious.

I have considered all of the things you mentioned. Both of my kids have been in counseling - DD for her ADHD and DS for his anger/acting out issues. What I want to tell them is to remember that sometimes even grownups have problems that take some time to work out and to please be patient with me as I go through all of this. I only told them that I had some anger issues that I didn't deal with when I should have and added to recent events that has made me way cranky. All of us have had things going on in our emotional lives that we have had trouble with and we work on them daily. It is a very human thing to do and sometimes that makes us not so pleasant to be around for a little while. I have NO intention of relating specific painful incidents, airing resentments or revealing intimate details of our marriage/divorce. That is not for children.

Hammer

Yeah, I now tend to some of that stuff as a lot of crap. jmho -- more likely you need to go get some. Yeah, you are not going to read that in an Alanon Book.

More useful, if you do not want your kids to grow up to be financial idiots, get them involved in the Family Budget. They will figure things pretty quick. Mine did.

Bums do not need an excuse. They just find one.

maybe see #1, above. Just saying.

"Because he used to treat *our* family as crap . . ." Seems sufficient.

Did you actually DO the steps, yet? I mean REALLY Do the Steps? Sponsor and all that? Really THAT should clear a LOT of crap from your mind.

Yeah, ick.

Sorry, just #1, above.

CodeJob

Purple, thank you so much for this post. I am so struggling to get in touch with my anger. Perhaps that is what Mr. T (therapist) is trying to get out of me - anger. What a rat fink bastard.

AnvilheadII

They went out to a mall and bought some stuff for the kids and got ice cream

isn't that a GOOD thing? for the kids?

Any time I spend with him is detrimental to that even if it benefits the kids and I am afraid that is something they are just gonna have to accept.

that's sad really. that what benefits the kids isn't your prime directive, even if you have to suck it up and deal.

when my first ex and I first split, renee was just a baby on my shoulder. it took a couple years - he left me for my best friend. ouch. we all worked together, I had to quit. ouch. but we were both parents and had to get over ourselves and BE parents. for renee. I learned to be thankful for barb taking an interest in my daughter's life and doing things with and for her when she was at her dad's. certainly we never became friends again, but I could manage civil. it was good for renee to be on stage at a dance recital and see mom and dad in the audience, or at a soccer game with mom and dad yelling from the sidelines. or at a basket ball game, with her dad as coach and her mom as score keeper. or at her college graduation. we "gave her my Subaru, which brian drove down to LA to present to her. or even sadly, when he was dying of cancer, that I was in the room with the rest of the extended family, and when he went a little nuts and tried to get out of the bed, that it was mom who got up and held him down by the shoulders and said DAMMIT Brian, stay put! and I helped her with the funeral arrangements, went with her and her grampa to the funeral home, spoke at his memorial service.

those are all memories renee will always have.

your DD's graduation is BIG DEAL. surely she's worth a little interior angst on your part to make that day special with her mom and her dad?

PurpleWilder

FROM ANVILHEAD:

They went out to a mall and bought some stuff for the kids and got ice cream
isn't that a GOOD thing? for the kids?

Yes, of course it is. I know I'm being irrational. That's why I'm posting....

[I]Any time I spend with him is detrimental to that even if it benefits the kids and I am afraid that is something they are just gonna have to accept. [/I]

that's sad really. that what benefits the kids isn't your prime directive, even if you have to suck it up and deal.

I have sucked it up.....and up.....and up.....to the point that I am physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially spent. I wouldn't mind tolerating him for a few hours if he felt his part in the activity was more than just showing up. But I will have to plan it, buy everything, do transportation, inform everyone of plans. He will just appear, play Dad of the Year and then split early. Even my DD has asked me more than once why I let him do that. She can see he is using me, and I mistakenly thought that it was best to let it slide to keep the peace. I'm teaching them to swallow legitimate objections and not stick up for themselves in personal relationships - and that's wrong.

I learned to be thankful for barb taking an interest in my daughter's life and doing things with and for her when she was at her dad's.

I certainly hope I can get to this point. But I know for a fact this girl has barely a year sober and my XAH has (I think) quite a bit more. Essentially, he 13 Stepped her. Not good. If one or both of them goes off the rails drinking or using, it is gonna get really ugly really fast. My kids don't need to be a part of that. I'm waiting to see what will happen.

your DD's graduation is BIG DEAL. surely she's worth a little interior angst on your part to make that day special with her mom and her dad?

Angst, yes. Torture, no.

MissFixit

Why don't you divide the cost of the party or whatever? Tell him upfront that you will do it together only if he pays half.

dandylion

I have heard it said that in order to keep the kids from suffering in the middle---You have to LOVE your kids MORE than you hate your husband.

dandylion