How do you manage contact with kids?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 23
How do you manage contact with kids?
A little backstory, AH of 13 years finally left 5 weeks ago. Left behind a massive mess financially, took anything of value to a pawn shop, broke into my parents house, where he drank all their alcohol and stole a heap of stuff, and left me with a mortgage and bills which are all behind.
We have two children 11 and 8. I immediately went NC as I needed a break from the insanity of the last 6 months of his lying, manipulating and actively running his addiction.
He has now started to contact the kids, telling them he left because he's sick at the moment and is not being a good dad. He has moved states so I am not concerned that he will turn up on the doorstep, especially as the depths of deception have now been exposed and my parents have reported the theft to the police.
My question is around what contact is healthy for the kids to have with him given that I believe he is still actively drinking and is in no way considering recovery?
We have two children 11 and 8. I immediately went NC as I needed a break from the insanity of the last 6 months of his lying, manipulating and actively running his addiction.
He has now started to contact the kids, telling them he left because he's sick at the moment and is not being a good dad. He has moved states so I am not concerned that he will turn up on the doorstep, especially as the depths of deception have now been exposed and my parents have reported the theft to the police.
My question is around what contact is healthy for the kids to have with him given that I believe he is still actively drinking and is in no way considering recovery?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
How about none?
You should consider filing charges as as well for theft--
I think you should let him know will be calling the police if he shows up.
A legal no contact order, if you don't have it, would be the best choice
so he cannot bother you or the kids.
Things could get even worse, believe it or not, since he's "burned his bridges"
and every step to protect yourself and your kids legally as well as personally should
be in place.
The kids have most likely been through enough already.
I dealt with drunken parent for years, and that, quite frankly, is more
stressful than no contact for them too, but perhaps checking with
an abuse therapist might be in order to see the best way to help them.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
You should consider filing charges as as well for theft--
I think you should let him know will be calling the police if he shows up.
A legal no contact order, if you don't have it, would be the best choice
so he cannot bother you or the kids.
Things could get even worse, believe it or not, since he's "burned his bridges"
and every step to protect yourself and your kids legally as well as personally should
be in place.
The kids have most likely been through enough already.
I dealt with drunken parent for years, and that, quite frankly, is more
stressful than no contact for them too, but perhaps checking with
an abuse therapist might be in order to see the best way to help them.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,688
Hi kidden, you and your children have been through an awful lot.
You have a chance to start again without your ah. A lot of things to consider especially with your children and their dad, do what you feel is best for you and your children, get professional advice. You've done amazing up to now to hold it all together.
The future is yours.
You have a chance to start again without your ah. A lot of things to consider especially with your children and their dad, do what you feel is best for you and your children, get professional advice. You've done amazing up to now to hold it all together.
The future is yours.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
I say none as well. He should have thought about that.
Seeing the kids is going to be his way of worming back into the family, so you all forgive him, drop the charges, let him come back, and he can do the whole thing over in another 13 years. Don't let him do it. The kids are old enough to know what is going on, so there is no need for you to try to sugarcoat it for them, just tell them the truth. "Dad is sick, he stole some things, he can't come back or talk to you until he faces the consequences of his actions." Then they understand it's not THEIR behavior that is the issue, it's HIS.
And then of course, when he does want to see them, and can't, this may escalate. He may decide to show up at the front door, you really never know. So legally, it would be a good idea for you to press charges as well, so you have a legal way out if he does that.
Seeing the kids is going to be his way of worming back into the family, so you all forgive him, drop the charges, let him come back, and he can do the whole thing over in another 13 years. Don't let him do it. The kids are old enough to know what is going on, so there is no need for you to try to sugarcoat it for them, just tell them the truth. "Dad is sick, he stole some things, he can't come back or talk to you until he faces the consequences of his actions." Then they understand it's not THEIR behavior that is the issue, it's HIS.
And then of course, when he does want to see them, and can't, this may escalate. He may decide to show up at the front door, you really never know. So legally, it would be a good idea for you to press charges as well, so you have a legal way out if he does that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
My 5 cents? File a police report for theft, also report that he's a habitual drunk (that qualifies as "fault" in most states for divorce), and get the children to a therapist who can help you figure out what level of contact is appropriate.
I learned that my opinion and the kids' opinion reported through me meant jack in court -- a judge will need to hear from an "objective observer" (a therapist or social worker) that it's not in the best interest of the children to have contact with their father.
I learned that my opinion and the kids' opinion reported through me meant jack in court -- a judge will need to hear from an "objective observer" (a therapist or social worker) that it's not in the best interest of the children to have contact with their father.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am not sure if you can report the theft from your own home. In my state, a family member can not be charged for certain items (TVs, stereos, play stations, etc) because they are "family" items and he is part of the "family." My friend's minor son stole many items, she finally decided to charge him, yet the deputies couldn't - although they really wanted to. They knew him and even called their supervisor to see what they could do. The answer was nothing!! I am glad that your parents made a report though.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
My XAH and I separated a year ago. He continues to drink. My kids are ages 5yrs and 19months. I don't agree with the suggestions of an alcoholic not having any contact with their own children. However, everyone's situation is different so only you can make that decision. I would keep the theft as a separate issue from access.
In my situation, my XAH visits the kids usually at my home two evenings per week and all day on a weekend. No overnights. Sometimes he'll have them at his place, but that's at my discretion. I'm solid and secure enough in my recovery that his presence isn't an issue for me. Usually I go out if/when he's here, or otherwise occupy myself. There have been times when I've had to tell my son that dad chose not to come. It's hard, but it's the truth.
Our access agreement only says 'reasonable access with reasonable notice'. This puts me in control of access.
In my situation, my XAH visits the kids usually at my home two evenings per week and all day on a weekend. No overnights. Sometimes he'll have them at his place, but that's at my discretion. I'm solid and secure enough in my recovery that his presence isn't an issue for me. Usually I go out if/when he's here, or otherwise occupy myself. There have been times when I've had to tell my son that dad chose not to come. It's hard, but it's the truth.
Our access agreement only says 'reasonable access with reasonable notice'. This puts me in control of access.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
I also think more thought needs to be given to how much and in what environment your X should see the kids. Theft is a separate issue unless he's directly involving them in that.
Is he dangerous with the kids? Is he abusive in any way to them? Are you afraid he'll run off with them? Do the kids want to see him? If not, then why? Those are the important questions to ask. The professionals can figure that out. Costly, but probably worth it.
Going NC with kids between you is tricky, but possible, especially since your kids are older. I have a 2 year old and I've only been able to do limited contact with X. X was unsafe with our little and verbally abusive at least once. For those reasons, he is never left alone with our son. We don't have a court order yet, but I'm working on it and it looks pretty one-sided at this point.
Good luck. It is very tough, but things get better after they're gone for awhile.
Hugs.
Is he dangerous with the kids? Is he abusive in any way to them? Are you afraid he'll run off with them? Do the kids want to see him? If not, then why? Those are the important questions to ask. The professionals can figure that out. Costly, but probably worth it.
Going NC with kids between you is tricky, but possible, especially since your kids are older. I have a 2 year old and I've only been able to do limited contact with X. X was unsafe with our little and verbally abusive at least once. For those reasons, he is never left alone with our son. We don't have a court order yet, but I'm working on it and it looks pretty one-sided at this point.
Good luck. It is very tough, but things get better after they're gone for awhile.
Hugs.
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