Getting ready to Leave
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 75
Getting ready to Leave
I finally had the talk about leaving the situation with my husband.
I felt guilty at first because he is not long into sobriety this time around.
I am not trying to judge his recovery but what I am doing is keeping a promise I made to myself when I did my step work. I will not stay and accept unacceptable behavior.
I thought about it, I thought about all the interactions we have had and the final straw for me I thought was the way he acted around my family - however it turns out that was not it- I was still not committed to leaving.
It was a conversation around my inability to pronounce correctly the word Condescending. When I mispronounce it he sneers. The thing is I never use the word but he will tell me I sound condescending ( and maybe I do at that moment as some times I do ) and I will go to address it - and I find myself tripping on the word and scared to stay it. This time I addressed what he said with out using the word. I then told him I was uncomfortable with how he responded in the past to my mispronunciation.
The end result was
" if you do not want me to sneer when you say the word wrong - do not say it or learn how to say it right"
" It is abusive for you to bring up your fear of what I MIGHT do" ( This was said moments after he said " Of course I will sneer at you if you say the word wrong learn to say it right"
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he sounds like a super ******* right now - I am not sure who has taken over him or if this is just the full veil of denial leaving me.
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He is relieved we are separating. This is good I think. I have been honest and upfront and loving in my discussions. I am very proud of myself for not making it a blame game.
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I am scared. I am really really really really scared. I know that I am scared because it is a scary thing. I know that I can no longer live in denial. I think I might try again at some point. I hope I snap out of it befor I do.
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When my son cries for his dad I will have to try and remind myself that it is better for him to have one functioning parent than 2 half functioning parents.
I will miss him. I love him deeply. I will not speak ill of him to my son or my family or any one. He is a good person struggling with a terrible disease that affects his way of thinking.
What I know I am not prepared for is if he finds someone else when we separate.
Thanks for listening
I felt guilty at first because he is not long into sobriety this time around.
I am not trying to judge his recovery but what I am doing is keeping a promise I made to myself when I did my step work. I will not stay and accept unacceptable behavior.
I thought about it, I thought about all the interactions we have had and the final straw for me I thought was the way he acted around my family - however it turns out that was not it- I was still not committed to leaving.
It was a conversation around my inability to pronounce correctly the word Condescending. When I mispronounce it he sneers. The thing is I never use the word but he will tell me I sound condescending ( and maybe I do at that moment as some times I do ) and I will go to address it - and I find myself tripping on the word and scared to stay it. This time I addressed what he said with out using the word. I then told him I was uncomfortable with how he responded in the past to my mispronunciation.
The end result was
" if you do not want me to sneer when you say the word wrong - do not say it or learn how to say it right"
" It is abusive for you to bring up your fear of what I MIGHT do" ( This was said moments after he said " Of course I will sneer at you if you say the word wrong learn to say it right"
==============================
he sounds like a super ******* right now - I am not sure who has taken over him or if this is just the full veil of denial leaving me.
---------------------
He is relieved we are separating. This is good I think. I have been honest and upfront and loving in my discussions. I am very proud of myself for not making it a blame game.
-------------------------
I am scared. I am really really really really scared. I know that I am scared because it is a scary thing. I know that I can no longer live in denial. I think I might try again at some point. I hope I snap out of it befor I do.
-------------------
When my son cries for his dad I will have to try and remind myself that it is better for him to have one functioning parent than 2 half functioning parents.
I will miss him. I love him deeply. I will not speak ill of him to my son or my family or any one. He is a good person struggling with a terrible disease that affects his way of thinking.
What I know I am not prepared for is if he finds someone else when we separate.
Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You have been very logical, thoughtful, realistic and caring in this. You are a special lady!
It IS scary, change can be very difficult but I have no doubt you will do the best thing for all.
I applaud you for honoring yourself. And the truth of the matter.
Try not to borrow worries from the future, one day at a time.
(((hugs)))
T
It IS scary, change can be very difficult but I have no doubt you will do the best thing for all.
I applaud you for honoring yourself. And the truth of the matter.
Try not to borrow worries from the future, one day at a time.
(((hugs)))
T
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
I feel your pain. I'm going through the same things. You said you are not ready for him to be with someone else when you separate. That is a fear of mine also. But I would rather have that fear then continue not living. Because in this life, I'm not living and you probably are not either.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Hi fbw,
I have been separated from my husband since December and it was really, really, really difficult at first. Mostly because I knew that separating was the healthiest thing I could do for myself and for our two kids but it was a big change and changes and the unknown can be daunting at first. But it gets easier and easier every day/week/month.
I bet you'll be surprised at how quickly things will get better for you and your son.
If/when your husband finds someone new you can deal with it as it happens. In the meantime, trying thinking about how nice it's going to be to have a home without alcoholic drama or someone belittling the way you pronounce certain words. There are likely many more positives to separating than negatives…focus on the positive.
Sending hugs and strength your way!
I have been separated from my husband since December and it was really, really, really difficult at first. Mostly because I knew that separating was the healthiest thing I could do for myself and for our two kids but it was a big change and changes and the unknown can be daunting at first. But it gets easier and easier every day/week/month.
I bet you'll be surprised at how quickly things will get better for you and your son. If/when your husband finds someone new you can deal with it as it happens. In the meantime, trying thinking about how nice it's going to be to have a home without alcoholic drama or someone belittling the way you pronounce certain words. There are likely many more positives to separating than negatives…focus on the positive.
Sending hugs and strength your way!
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