BlueBones

"The worst thing is watching someone drown and not being able to convince them that they can save themselves by just standing up."

I hope you will accept today as a new day and not an extension of yesterday. I hope you will do a few things that make you feel good, proud or accomplished rather than anxious, scared or depressed. I hope you'll take a few minutes today to think about our son and what a blessing he is. I hope you'll take a few moments to find peace before making any rash decisions.

I can't tell you how to do this.
I didn't cause your addiction.
I can't control your addiction.
I can't cure your addiction.

If loving you was enough to fix this, you'd be healthy, clean and sober. That's how much I love you. But love doesn't cure disease. It's hard to stand by and spectate, but there is no help my hands can offer. Only you know how to mend yourself.

I can only let you know that I want good things for you. I want you to smile every day. I want you to feel good about your choices. I want you to be the type of person our son can look up to and the type of partner I'd be proud to have.
But it all starts with you.

I love you, I love you,
A thousand times,
I love you.

-----

My SO and I live together and but rarely communicate effectively. Sometimes letters are the only way.
I'm in a strange place right now. I'm kind of in limbo between that obsessive stage, where you need to know where your addict is, what they are doing, who they are talking to and every other minor detail about their life; where you become overwhelmed and can't stop crying. That stage where you are constantly asking yourself "What did I do to deserve this?" and the letting-go stage, where you realize that your obsession is toxic. Your preoccupation with your addict is letting you neglect your own life. That is never your intention, but it is completely a side effect. I know that seeking him out, keeping up with who he talks to or where he goes isn't helping me feel better. Counting his suboxone to make sure he isn't selling it isn't helping me feel better. Checking his messages, calls, social media, isn't helping me feel better. Searching his pockets, the trash and every other desperate place in our home isn't helping me feel better.
Every time something shows up, a message from someone who uses, a needle, missing medication, it all screams "This is addict behavior." I cry, I fight, I yell, I calm down, I cry some more, I plead, bargain, threaten, break down, lose.
This doesn't do anything. It is a process (and not a very effective one, at that) that brings us round circle. We both know that he is going to keep his behaviors until he is ready to change, and I am going to react that way until I am ready to change.
He apologized to me yesterday, and told me how sorry he is for making things this way. I told him, I know. But it isn't all you. I let you treat me this way. I let this go on.
What do you say after that? It's the truth.
So what do you do? I have admitted to myself that I have a problem. I know I do. I know that I need some type of help. I am also not ready to give up on my addict. Those things are conflicting. I'm not claiming that I know what I'll do yet, but I do realize what forces are at work inside myself.

I've said it before, it is so hard when you can see the person you love inside the addiction. It's painful to watch my SO struggle with himself. I can see he wants recovery. I can also see that he is having an internal battle that says "No, you're fine. You can recover and still talk to this person" or "I don't have to stop doing X activity, I'm not shooting up anymore. Why does it matter?". I can see that he is trying, in some ways, but he isn't there yet. Addiction truly does alter the mind and make even the best, good-hearted people void of reason. I love my SO more than anything, but I hate his addiction and what it's done to him.

Ann

Bluebones, that is one of the most touching, inspirational and heartfelt posts I have seen here. I can feel your pain, see your wisdom and share your sadness because no matter how much we love them, they need to love themselves more and find their own way back.

Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for sharing your recovery journey here. Thank you for saying what so many of us feel.

Hugs

BlueBones

Thank you Ann. I think I'm finally at a point where I am ready to find peace with myself and I hope that he is too. I hope this will speak to others experiencing this. We can love them so so much but our love only goes so far. They truly need to regain their love and regard for their selves.

Karrets

Thankyou bluebones.. It is exactly as you say my husband is in rehab 3rd time for heroin addiction he had been in two weeks and I'm just waiting and waiting for the next anxiety provoking call.... I'm leaving or I've been kicked out. I try and enjoy myself but part of me is missing. I know we can't predict the future as it doesn't help. I know my worrying doesn't help. so why on earth can I not listen to myself and be happy. I read about people finding peace..... How do you do it without giving up. I'm scared of a future without my soul mate addiction is so so cruel.

BlueBones

How do you do it without giving up? I have no idea. You try a little bit at a time. Then you might get sad again or worried again. But you have to enjoy a few moments here or there. And try to make them last longer and longer each time.

I know exactly what you mean. I hate knowing the person I love more than anyone could be gone tomorrow over this disease.
I don't feel peace all the time but its getting easier for me to talk myself down when I start to get anxious. Hugs

barefoottoday

Thank you for this post, blue bones. That is exactly what I lived the last two or so weeks, until these last few days. I feel like I've now come to a decision regarding what I want, what I'm willing to put up with, and I've reached out for the help I know I need to get my life back on track, to start to heal from this, to learn how to be healthy again. I sort of feel at peace...or at least I have some clarity in my mind.

SR has been so awesome these last couple weeks, I'm so glad I've found all you all. I'm sorry we're all here though.

Karrets

It's like we go through stages at the same time. It's weird cause for a long time you think it's only you suffering

BlueBones

It is sad why everyone is here but so good to have people to relate to.