paige73

Can a person be an "alcoholic" and never have had a drinking problem?

When driving my AH to the airport to go to treatment, we were talking. He has a huge issue with his family, mother specifically.

She has never been a drinker, but her personality is that of an alcoholic. Very selfish, spoiled, manipulative, the victim, etc... all the classic things we see in the alcoholic. I've known her for close to 20 yrs and she has always been this way.

This is a toxic relationship between AH and his mom. When he comes back from treatment he will want to deal with it....he has attempted to in the past. Much like I use to deal with AH.....empty threats, boundaries, detaching, etc...

I guess what I'm asking is, although one may not technically be an alcoholic...can the personality traits be present to such an extent that in order for there to be a relationship, it must resemble one much like that between the A and the Codie (in recovery)?

DoubleBarrel

Sounds like a classic narcissist.

Refiner

Yep. Look up NPD. My sister is one PLUS is an alcoholic/mean drunk. They go hand in hand with the traits.

BlueSkies1

Well alcoholics don't have a patent on bad behaviors. And there are alcoholics that are the victims in some of their relationships too.
An alcoholic can be a codependent! An alcoholic can be an enabler! I don't think it is a good idea to label a sober person as acting alcoholic, because what does that mean? It's rather unfair to the alcoholics that have been victims.

I think somewhere on the planet every single combination exists imaginable.

That's the thing really...we have to look beyond the drinking and see what is underneath it. We have to look beyond the not drinking person and see what is in them.
The alcoholic can be a victim to an abusive sober person in their life, sure.

So what's clear cut?
Not much. Every person has many facets to their personality and what they all are and piecing it together like a puzzle takes a lot of examination.

Sounds like he could benefit from some individual therapy to examine issues with his mother and learn to separate himself from her/them and see himself as an individual more.

Ariel1030

Google "personality disorders," and I bet you'll find your MIL in there somewhere. Very good question!

paige73

Actually, she's very much a combo of the "B" disorders.

But here's the thing....I remember my AH before he progressed into what he is now. Did he have some tendencies? Yes....but we all do. They're only "disorders" when it disrupts life. Does he exhibit more of these traits now that he's a RA? Absolutely!!!

His mother has always been this way without alcohol. (even as a child, if you listen to what siblings, etc says or you listen close enough to her stories of her childhood)

Is it possible that some alcoholics resembles a person with a PD without really having one? Isn't that why that dx should not be given while actively using?

I guess PD really scare me. It's not like a chemical imbalance that you can correct, its WHO you are. It takes alot more work to fix ones personality IMO then to take a pill for a biological reason.

I guess bottom line is this.....like begets like. I can see traits that I really don't like in his family....perhaps the underlying AH will be like that even without the alcohol, in which case, there are big decisions ahead.

inpieces314

Yeah, but you never know what he is really like until he is sober.

Stung

My mom is NPD and ACOA but I think she's kind of like a dry drunk (sorry if that offends some, its the best term that I know off the top of my head) even though she's never had a drinking problem.

Hammer

This is about YOU -- Not *THEM.*

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Hit the link on there for "Understanding the Caretaker Role" and start reading . . .

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get ... - Margalis Fjelstad - Google Books

LoveMeNow

Is his mother an adult child of an alcoholic parent?

hopeful4

Yup, under the alcoholic part of my X is a PD. It was scary to realize, scarier to live with, a relief to eeparate from, and frustrating to coparent with. A real blast I tell ya.

xxx

Seren

If you are asking us if "the apple fell far from the tree" or not--in other words, will this man be like his mother even sober? Well, none of us can tell you that.

I hope your husband will really dig into recovery and/or therapy for his own sake. Time will tell, and unfortunately, time just takes time.

CarryThatWeight

My A exBF used to say his mother was an alcoholic who never drank. I didn't see the tendencies in his mother... so I consider the source of that bit of "wisdom!" My ex definitely falls under the Narcissistic Personality Disorder criteria, and I've read somewhere that 50% of NPD's abuse substances. Is it helpful to label people? Sometimes. Like someone else said, everyone is an individual, and you don't know how your AH will be until he gets sober. Some behaviors will remit, others will persist. Best of luck to you.

paige73

Hmmm...well father died before she was born (suicide/drinking). Her mother basically "popped pills", whatever that meant back in the 50's. Her step dad, had a gambling addiction, was a womanizer and did drink.

Her grandparents, who had a major influence in her life (she lived with them for awhile) were both alcoholics.

So, she had plenty of caregivers that had various addictions...although she herself NEVER has had any issues with addictions, doesn't drink, smoke, etc...

inpieces314

I googled this because I thought it was interesting. Apparently there were barbiturates and amphetamines back then. And even more interesting, was the fact that people mixed the two, and subsequently died.

allysen

My XAH's mother sounds very similar: rarely drinks, but so soooo much an alcoholic in behaviour. Her father (XAH's grandfather) was an alcoholic and she was very very much his enabler. After he died, she continued her enabling-type behaviour with others in her life, including XAH.

Katchie

Great question. I've often wondered similarly about my 17 year old adopted son. We finalized the adoption when he one month shy of turning 6. He is the eldest and was taken out of the pecking order from being the oldest to the second oldest. Making a long story short as I can, he has some real personality/character defects that make me really worry about him. I've taken him to pediatric counseling and he is academically slow and truly has no ability to think rationally. I hate to say it, but this one I can't wait until he moves out and I've been a hair from throwing him out because he is physically threatening to me on occasion. He's always the life of the group, very loud, but also the quickest to get his feelings hurt (can dish it out but can't take it) and lash out in anger toward someone that won't follow him. I know there is alcoholism within his birth family and often wonder if that has some how affected him.
Anyway, great question to ponder.