New here
DolceVida
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 6
New here
Hi all,
I'm new here. My wife is in Recovery.
I'm mostly here because I don't really know where else to go, and I've developed this obsession with trying to understand, which may not be realistic, but I will try my best.
I'm struggling with coping with the wild personality changes, mostly... one day we're loved, the next we're the bane of her existence. Once day it's a smiles and hugs, the next it's tears and screaming.
I understand the past is the past, and you can't change it... but how do you deal with the damage it has left behind? What am I, as husband and father, supposed to tell my kids about the way their mom has treated us?
I want to be supportive - I understand she has lots of anger, unresolved issues, sadness, disappointment, shame and more... we have it too. We have trust issues, because we can't take her seriously... we walk on eggshells, because we don't know when her good mood will turn into a screamfest for no apparent reason... we don't enjoy doing things, because inevitably these things have had the joy sucked out of them... perhaps a melodramatic picture, but picture us huddled quietly in a corner while she's on a rampage... how are we supposed to get over that type of life?
She's in the process of recovering, but she's not there yet. I want to tell her how proud I am of her and the progress she's made - but I fear this will result in yet another fight, because she will think that what I am really trying to say is that she was a horrible person.
That's not it at all.. I'm having a tough time coping with how she internalizes statements as reflective of her lack of self-confidence or "something"... I juts don't know. I'd like feedback from anyone, really... I'm not here to make enemies, I just want to understand, because I do want to be here for her through it all.
I'm new here. My wife is in Recovery.
I'm mostly here because I don't really know where else to go, and I've developed this obsession with trying to understand, which may not be realistic, but I will try my best.
I'm struggling with coping with the wild personality changes, mostly... one day we're loved, the next we're the bane of her existence. Once day it's a smiles and hugs, the next it's tears and screaming.
I understand the past is the past, and you can't change it... but how do you deal with the damage it has left behind? What am I, as husband and father, supposed to tell my kids about the way their mom has treated us?
I want to be supportive - I understand she has lots of anger, unresolved issues, sadness, disappointment, shame and more... we have it too. We have trust issues, because we can't take her seriously... we walk on eggshells, because we don't know when her good mood will turn into a screamfest for no apparent reason... we don't enjoy doing things, because inevitably these things have had the joy sucked out of them... perhaps a melodramatic picture, but picture us huddled quietly in a corner while she's on a rampage... how are we supposed to get over that type of life?
She's in the process of recovering, but she's not there yet. I want to tell her how proud I am of her and the progress she's made - but I fear this will result in yet another fight, because she will think that what I am really trying to say is that she was a horrible person.
That's not it at all.. I'm having a tough time coping with how she internalizes statements as reflective of her lack of self-confidence or "something"... I juts don't know. I'd like feedback from anyone, really... I'm not here to make enemies, I just want to understand, because I do want to be here for her through it all.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
How long has she been sober? The first couple of months is an emotional roller coaster. The brain's physiologic response to chronic alcohol use is to over produce anxiety-inducing chemicals. Quit drinking, but the brain keeps over producing those chemicals for a few months. P.O.'d at the world is a pretty standard response until things settle out.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
DolceVida
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 6
Since Friday. Friday was a bit touch and go... Saturday and Sunday were great... I suspect it was because of all the ''game face'' moments, and Mother's day...
She puts on this face when there are others around, like everything's fine and nothing's wrong. When we get home, it gets quieter, like all the joy that seemed to be there moments ago vanishes as soon as the last outsider disappears.
She's cut back before - and cutting back meant having only 1 or 2 a day - for pregnancies... sometimes skipping a day...but those were far and few between. ''The doctor says I can have a drink a day and it will be fine'' was commonly said around the house, and being the ''idiot husband'' I believed whatever she said about babies and pregnancy and all that womanly stuff.
I think this is the first time she's actively not had any alcohol for more than 3 consecutive days in at least 10 years.
Today is a dark day for her - back to work.. back to routine.... and the routine generally involves a drink. I can tell she's got a lot on her mind, she's not in a good place - but she won't open up. I respect her privacy and won't pry, but at the same time, I'm not an idiot. Her ''nothing's wrong'' isn't all that convincing... combine that with the attitude and moody pacing, it just screams everything's copacetic alright... but... she'll get pissier if I keep asking her if somethings bothering her, so I'll leave her alone for now. Of course, that may backfire on me too, if I DON'T ask her what's wrong. I don't want to seem like the uncaring inconsiderate jacka**, you know?
She puts on this face when there are others around, like everything's fine and nothing's wrong. When we get home, it gets quieter, like all the joy that seemed to be there moments ago vanishes as soon as the last outsider disappears.
She's cut back before - and cutting back meant having only 1 or 2 a day - for pregnancies... sometimes skipping a day...but those were far and few between. ''The doctor says I can have a drink a day and it will be fine'' was commonly said around the house, and being the ''idiot husband'' I believed whatever she said about babies and pregnancy and all that womanly stuff.
I think this is the first time she's actively not had any alcohol for more than 3 consecutive days in at least 10 years.
Today is a dark day for her - back to work.. back to routine.... and the routine generally involves a drink. I can tell she's got a lot on her mind, she's not in a good place - but she won't open up. I respect her privacy and won't pry, but at the same time, I'm not an idiot. Her ''nothing's wrong'' isn't all that convincing... combine that with the attitude and moody pacing, it just screams everything's copacetic alright... but... she'll get pissier if I keep asking her if somethings bothering her, so I'll leave her alone for now. Of course, that may backfire on me too, if I DON'T ask her what's wrong. I don't want to seem like the uncaring inconsiderate jacka**, you know?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,576
Welcome DolceVida. I'm glad you found us and reached out for some help for yourself.
I've been on both sides of this thing. When I was drinking I was very confrontational & erratic. Normally I'm nothing like the drunk me. It's so confusing and frustrating for you, but I'm glad you're trying to make sense of it all. I'm hoping you'll find some comfort in being here where others understand.
(You might want to check out our Friends & Family Forum too - many members have been where you are.)
I've been on both sides of this thing. When I was drinking I was very confrontational & erratic. Normally I'm nothing like the drunk me. It's so confusing and frustrating for you, but I'm glad you're trying to make sense of it all. I'm hoping you'll find some comfort in being here where others understand.
(You might want to check out our Friends & Family Forum too - many members have been where you are.)
painless
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: somerset
Posts: 138
I RECOMMEND counseling for the both of you and then family counseling to follow... cant hurt... im only 57 days clean but my emotions at times flood me with sadness... it gets better as long as she stays clean and sober... gunna take a lifetime to beat this addiction... nothing happens over night... best of luck... Painless
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,785
Welcome to the family. 
I'm sorry for the situation you're in. Afraid to talk or not talk, afraid to do anything for fear of upsetting her. 
I would suggest AlAnon meetings for you, for support. How old are the kids?
If she's only been sober since Friday she's still sort of in withdrawal, which can be hell.
Please do check out our friends and family of alcoholics forum. Lots of insight and experience there.
I'm sorry for the situation you're in. Afraid to talk or not talk, afraid to do anything for fear of upsetting her. 
I would suggest AlAnon meetings for you, for support. How old are the kids? If she's only been sober since Friday she's still sort of in withdrawal, which can be hell.
Please do check out our friends and family of alcoholics forum. Lots of insight and experience there.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 106
I've been sober for 9 days. The first 6 I didn't tell my husband because I wasn't sure what response I could handle or couldn't. When I did told him, he said he was very proud and happy. I asked if my personality changed a lot when I drank and he told me no, but he was concerned for my health. I felt loved and it meant the world to me.
I am telling you so you know this route. The route "I love you and I want you healthy so we can be together a long life".
I am telling you so you know this route. The route "I love you and I want you healthy so we can be together a long life".
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,534
Maybe just an acknowledgment of how hard she is working (it really does feel like hard, hard work at the beginning) and ask her to let you know how you can help. Also, if she likes ice cream, go get her some ice cream!
Bless you for loving her and wanting the best for her. Keep posting!
Bless you for loving her and wanting the best for her. Keep posting!
DolceVida
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 6
I've been doing these things - at least I think I have been.
Asking how the day was - hard.
Asking how it was hard - work.
Asking what happened - Stress, big decisions coming.
Asking what kind of decisions - being told she doesn't want to talk about it.
Asking if anything else is bothering her - no.
Saying I'm going to make dinner, does she want to cook with me - yes.
She paces around the kitchen while I cut vegetables, like she doesn't know what to do - I ask her if she can take fish out of the freezer - she does. She puts it on the counter, and looks at me expectantly - as if I'm supposed to be the one to tell her to line a pan with foil, spray it with cooking oil, and put the fish on it... She doesn't make a move, still staring at me...
So I turned to her and pulled her into a hug, saying I know it's tough today but I'm here and she's doing great.
she hugs me back, pretty tight and does that jaw tightening and swallowing thing she does when she doesn't want to cry
she likes playing videogames... so I told her Why don't you go play Rayman for a while? Dinner won't be ready for at least half an hour anyway.. she did.
when I called her up for dinner, her whole mood had relaxed and we were able to watch a bit of Netflix.
All in all, a decently good night.
Asking how the day was - hard.
Asking how it was hard - work.
Asking what happened - Stress, big decisions coming.
Asking what kind of decisions - being told she doesn't want to talk about it.
Asking if anything else is bothering her - no.
Saying I'm going to make dinner, does she want to cook with me - yes.
She paces around the kitchen while I cut vegetables, like she doesn't know what to do - I ask her if she can take fish out of the freezer - she does. She puts it on the counter, and looks at me expectantly - as if I'm supposed to be the one to tell her to line a pan with foil, spray it with cooking oil, and put the fish on it... She doesn't make a move, still staring at me...
So I turned to her and pulled her into a hug, saying I know it's tough today but I'm here and she's doing great.
she hugs me back, pretty tight and does that jaw tightening and swallowing thing she does when she doesn't want to cry
she likes playing videogames... so I told her Why don't you go play Rayman for a while? Dinner won't be ready for at least half an hour anyway.. she did.
when I called her up for dinner, her whole mood had relaxed and we were able to watch a bit of Netflix.
All in all, a decently good night.
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
Glad last night went good for you guys. She will get better in time, withdraw is crazy. Not just physically, there is a flood of emotions as the brain is no longer being numbed.
Keep being there for her and letting her know you love her and support her.
Keep being there for her and letting her know you love her and support her.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by DolceVida 
She paces around ...
And the whole time there was a voice in my head saying a drink will make this better, a drink will make this better, a drink will make this better...Where was that voice coming from? Go away and leave me alone! Not understanding your own mind is scary and frustrating.
I never wanted to talk about it either. My wife was never addicted and could not understand. Saying I want to stop drinking and I want a drink at the same time seemed foolish and weak. Communicating with other people (alcoholics) who know what that feels like was a great relief to me. Hearing other people voice what was happening in my head relieved some of the anxiety.
I hope you have another good day today!
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
She is very lucky to have you. I know it's hard to understand, but I commend you for trying. What help is she getting? (counseling, meetings, etc?) Sorry if you mentioned that part and I missed it. Try as he might, my husband certainly wasn't qualified to become my treatment program or even my primary source of support. I sure hope this is a turning point for her, it does get better, but it's a very difficult process.
DolceVida
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 6
flutter, she isn't seeking any outside help.
We've been to a marriage counselor before (for a while), and really all they told us was we needed to communicate better. Which led us to believe we were wasting our money, because we already KNEW that. So we stopped going.
If I say something, it doesn't mean she should take it on herself as if I'm blaming her... which is the trigger point for a lot of our disagreements.
I'm angry I broke the glass - she sarcastically says it's because she's such a bad wife, because if she'd done the dishes I wouldn't have had to do it and it wouldn't have broken.
WTF???
We've been to a marriage counselor before (for a while), and really all they told us was we needed to communicate better. Which led us to believe we were wasting our money, because we already KNEW that. So we stopped going.
If I say something, it doesn't mean she should take it on herself as if I'm blaming her... which is the trigger point for a lot of our disagreements.
I'm angry I broke the glass - she sarcastically says it's because she's such a bad wife, because if she'd done the dishes I wouldn't have had to do it and it wouldn't have broken.
WTF???
DolceVida
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 6
Last night was good. I prepared dinner before I let for work, so when we all got home really all that needed to be done was to heat it up. We had an opportunity to spend some time as a family... but it was a so-so day, which ultimately means for most of the evening she vegged out on the living room couch doing her thing, the kids were in their rooms doing their thing, and I was vegged out on the family room couch doing my thing. It wasn't bad, but I wish it were a little more involved.
Also, I've given up coffee. And sugar. I know it's nowhere near the same... but it's something, and hopefully it will help give me a better idea of some of the tools used - I learn better from practical application... and this is it, in the literal sense. Kinda weird, but it's something.
Also, I've given up coffee. And sugar. I know it's nowhere near the same... but it's something, and hopefully it will help give me a better idea of some of the tools used - I learn better from practical application... and this is it, in the literal sense. Kinda weird, but it's something.
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