How to Detach with Love
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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How to Detach with Love
So I have been going through the Codependent No More book, and I know that the next step I need to take in my relationship with AGF is to detach.
For three years, I have cycled through 100% dedication to the relationship, then abandoned the relationship, cutting off contact for a few months, then falling back into the savior role.
The most recent example of this has led me to my current situation. I moved to a new town, while remaining in contact with AGF and after a month in a new job, quit and moved back to my hometown to be closer to her.
The past two weekends, I have drank with AGF and we ended up fighting, as usual. The biggest act of enabling I have done is drinking with her, getting angry that we are drinking, then acting out, which takes away any responsibility on her part.
My living situation at the moment is complicated. My AGF lives in my hometown and I have been crashing with her for the last month or so, since I quit my job.
I am trying to find a new job, but cannot figure out where I want to live in order to do so. I have many options, but I know that moving in with her is a dangerous proposition at the moment. I could move back in with my dad and sister, which is dangerous in its own right, not to mention the obvious negatives associated with moving back in with family...I also have the house that my deceased mother left to me, which is right down the street from my dad's place. I could live there rent free...except it is my childhood home, with its own set of negatives, painful memories, etc.
The other option is to live at my family's beach house for the summer, which is roughly two hours away.
I want to be sober, for my own reasons and issues, which I have mentioned in another post on the newbie to recovery forum.
My question is, "how to do I decide where I want to live, in relation to what is best in my efforts to detach from my AGF, with love?"
Every time we have broken up, I get the urge to leave town, and I've done it, and I've come right back. So part of the cycle is me making drastic decisions based on reactions to AGF.
When I posted on this forum a year ago about this situation...the response was overwhelmingly "Get the F**k out of the relationship," but when I approach it with that sense of urgency, I am not strong enough not to take the bait again and fall back into codependency.
So I guess another question is, "How do I talk to my AGF about me wanting to live sober, and potentially move to the beach, without setting a bomb off, overreacting, blaming myself, and falling into the drama again?
There are countless reasons why I should end this relationship, but I ignore them, and I also question them because I myself am not stable. My relationship is not where I want it to be, and I know that both of us using is the the reason why. I am just stuck in a cycle and I want to break the cycle, and detaching with love is the move to make, but I don't know what that looks like, in my particular situation.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated
For three years, I have cycled through 100% dedication to the relationship, then abandoned the relationship, cutting off contact for a few months, then falling back into the savior role.
The most recent example of this has led me to my current situation. I moved to a new town, while remaining in contact with AGF and after a month in a new job, quit and moved back to my hometown to be closer to her.
The past two weekends, I have drank with AGF and we ended up fighting, as usual. The biggest act of enabling I have done is drinking with her, getting angry that we are drinking, then acting out, which takes away any responsibility on her part.
My living situation at the moment is complicated. My AGF lives in my hometown and I have been crashing with her for the last month or so, since I quit my job.
I am trying to find a new job, but cannot figure out where I want to live in order to do so. I have many options, but I know that moving in with her is a dangerous proposition at the moment. I could move back in with my dad and sister, which is dangerous in its own right, not to mention the obvious negatives associated with moving back in with family...I also have the house that my deceased mother left to me, which is right down the street from my dad's place. I could live there rent free...except it is my childhood home, with its own set of negatives, painful memories, etc.
The other option is to live at my family's beach house for the summer, which is roughly two hours away.
I want to be sober, for my own reasons and issues, which I have mentioned in another post on the newbie to recovery forum.
My question is, "how to do I decide where I want to live, in relation to what is best in my efforts to detach from my AGF, with love?"
Every time we have broken up, I get the urge to leave town, and I've done it, and I've come right back. So part of the cycle is me making drastic decisions based on reactions to AGF.
When I posted on this forum a year ago about this situation...the response was overwhelmingly "Get the F**k out of the relationship," but when I approach it with that sense of urgency, I am not strong enough not to take the bait again and fall back into codependency.
So I guess another question is, "How do I talk to my AGF about me wanting to live sober, and potentially move to the beach, without setting a bomb off, overreacting, blaming myself, and falling into the drama again?
There are countless reasons why I should end this relationship, but I ignore them, and I also question them because I myself am not stable. My relationship is not where I want it to be, and I know that both of us using is the the reason why. I am just stuck in a cycle and I want to break the cycle, and detaching with love is the move to make, but I don't know what that looks like, in my particular situation.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Sorry, I got excited about a beach house. Obvious solution: beach!
You don't. You have the right to break up with anyone for any reason at any time. A toxic relationship is a WONDERFUL and VALID reason to break up. The best time to do it? IMMEDIATELY. When you break up with her, you don't owe her any explanation whatsoever about where you're going, what you're doing, and with whom. The rest of those feelings? They're yours to deal with, not hers. All you have to do is sit on the beach and not call her, and they will fade.
It's okay to feel uncomfortable sometimes, especially when you are going through change and transition. It's okay to miss her or be angry with her and feel alone sometimes. It's not okay to be mired in a toxic relationship indefinitely because you're afraid of what's next.
Go to the beach. Commune with nature. Get a seasonal job while you figure out what's next. Having some extended, healing alone time sounds like a privilege you should take advantage of.
So I guess another question is, "How do I talk to my AGF about me wanting to live sober, and potentially move to the beach, without setting a bomb off, overreacting, blaming myself, and falling into the drama again?
It's okay to feel uncomfortable sometimes, especially when you are going through change and transition. It's okay to miss her or be angry with her and feel alone sometimes. It's not okay to be mired in a toxic relationship indefinitely because you're afraid of what's next.
Go to the beach. Commune with nature. Get a seasonal job while you figure out what's next. Having some extended, healing alone time sounds like a privilege you should take advantage of.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 10
haha I know...It really is a no brainer. But the majority of my relationship has been long distance...and my AGF has voiced that she doesn't want to go back to long distance. My main goal is to take the right course of action, so that if the relationship does fall apart, I won't have the "Well maybe I could have done this" voices in my head.
And I know feeling guilt is another aspect of codependency. The main reason why I fail to completely cut the cord on this relationship is that I feel that I haven't done enough, and that I don't have to right to say, "sober up or its over."
I could say that I want us both to be sober, which is what I've done before, but she does it for the relationship and for me, and not for herself. I can literally feel the codependency pouring out as I type that. I am just so confused as to how to detach in the most productive way
And I know feeling guilt is another aspect of codependency. The main reason why I fail to completely cut the cord on this relationship is that I feel that I haven't done enough, and that I don't have to right to say, "sober up or its over."
I could say that I want us both to be sober, which is what I've done before, but she does it for the relationship and for me, and not for herself. I can literally feel the codependency pouring out as I type that. I am just so confused as to how to detach in the most productive way
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by 9111111 
Can't you go up to the beachouse and think about a little more? The way I understand it you're in no rush to make up your mind right this second.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Well a few things stand out for me.
1) You say you want to live sober. Im assuming your AGF does not right? Right there its a deal breaker and you are not going to have a happy outcome until you end things and move on.
2) You have many options for housing yet you chose to stay with your AGF despite having other places to go and stating you dont really want to live there. It sounds like you are not 100% sure you want things to end.
The relationship is comfortable and familiar but clearly not what you are looking for out of life. You may want to start working on your own recovery from codependancy. Have you tried any counseling or therapy? It takes time but only you can get to where you want to be. It sounds like right now, you are stuck.
1) You say you want to live sober. Im assuming your AGF does not right? Right there its a deal breaker and you are not going to have a happy outcome until you end things and move on.
2) You have many options for housing yet you chose to stay with your AGF despite having other places to go and stating you dont really want to live there. It sounds like you are not 100% sure you want things to end.
The relationship is comfortable and familiar but clearly not what you are looking for out of life. You may want to start working on your own recovery from codependancy. Have you tried any counseling or therapy? It takes time but only you can get to where you want to be. It sounds like right now, you are stuck.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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unsureofthefuture,
Yeah, I am in counseling at the moment...haven't been to an al anon meeting yet but I've been looking into it. I am working on my codependency issues, which is why I was asking about the proper way to detach, because I can't seem to figure out how to apply detachment to my situation. I don't want to outright end the relationship yet, but I want to define some boundaries for myself. I am most def feeling stuck. How do you come up with personal boundaries? is saying... "I don't want to hang out with you if you are going to drink," a healthy boundary? Like I said, to say that today would be hypocritical of me because I still drink with her, and smoke cannabis too much for my liking. I cannot say, "I'm better than this," until I actually prove to myself that I AM better than this.
It seems the most healthy way to approach it would be to say, "Look, I want to get clean. I am not asking you to get clean, but I am deciding to do it for myself," and to go about the business of recovery for myself.
I just don't know where the appropriate, reasonable boundaries are. is it too much to say, "Don't call or text me if you have been drinking?"
There is a subconscious reason why I am more comfortable doing this relationship long distance. I think my body is telling me that its not good for me. One of the symptoms of codependency is losing touch with your intuition...I am certainly in that category.
Yeah, I am in counseling at the moment...haven't been to an al anon meeting yet but I've been looking into it. I am working on my codependency issues, which is why I was asking about the proper way to detach, because I can't seem to figure out how to apply detachment to my situation. I don't want to outright end the relationship yet, but I want to define some boundaries for myself. I am most def feeling stuck. How do you come up with personal boundaries? is saying... "I don't want to hang out with you if you are going to drink," a healthy boundary? Like I said, to say that today would be hypocritical of me because I still drink with her, and smoke cannabis too much for my liking. I cannot say, "I'm better than this," until I actually prove to myself that I AM better than this.
It seems the most healthy way to approach it would be to say, "Look, I want to get clean. I am not asking you to get clean, but I am deciding to do it for myself," and to go about the business of recovery for myself.
I just don't know where the appropriate, reasonable boundaries are. is it too much to say, "Don't call or text me if you have been drinking?"
There is a subconscious reason why I am more comfortable doing this relationship long distance. I think my body is telling me that its not good for me. One of the symptoms of codependency is losing touch with your intuition...I am certainly in that category.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
When defining boundaries, it helps to think of them less as Rules for Other People to Follow and more of Guidelines I Choose to Live By.
"Don't call or text me if you've been drinking" = Rule. One you can't enforce, and one she becomes less capable of adhering to once she's been drinking anyway.
"I will not interact with people who have been drinking" = boundary. If she calls and she's drunk, you end the conversation. If she drunk texts you, you don't reply. The action is in YOUR court, not someone else's.
All that being said, I think this: "It seems the most healthy way to approach it would be to say, "Look, I want to get clean. I am not asking you to get clean, but I am deciding to do it for myself," and to go about the business of recovery for myself." is Spot. On.
When you decide to seek recovery for yourself, a lot of these things will fall into place organically. When you decide to focus on becoming the healthiest person you can be for yourself, a lot of your questions about her will answer themselves.
You don't have to decide everything right now. Like Florence said, try just focusing on the next right move.
"Don't call or text me if you've been drinking" = Rule. One you can't enforce, and one she becomes less capable of adhering to once she's been drinking anyway.
"I will not interact with people who have been drinking" = boundary. If she calls and she's drunk, you end the conversation. If she drunk texts you, you don't reply. The action is in YOUR court, not someone else's.
All that being said, I think this: "It seems the most healthy way to approach it would be to say, "Look, I want to get clean. I am not asking you to get clean, but I am deciding to do it for myself," and to go about the business of recovery for myself." is Spot. On.
When you decide to seek recovery for yourself, a lot of these things will fall into place organically. When you decide to focus on becoming the healthiest person you can be for yourself, a lot of your questions about her will answer themselves.
You don't have to decide everything right now. Like Florence said, try just focusing on the next right move.
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