Patticakes

My husband is an alcoholic. He was sober for 8 years and a year ago he relapsed. I work the Al Anon program.... I really do "get it" but I am really feeling at a loss right now.
I have worked hard at not engaging in pointless drunk conversations and when he does drink (which is almost daily) I refrain from any conversations at all. I might feel better when I am at work, with friends, away from him.... but the minute I walk in the house or am getting close to home my insides knot up. How can you not feel emotions about someone you love slowly killing themselves? It seems the only way I will be able to live in the same house with him is to detach completely from him. And if I detach from him completely why would I want to stay married to someone I am detached from?

Secondly, when I do come across empty and partially empty bottles, cans am I supposed to just ignore it and walk away or can I tell him what I found and say I don't want it in our home?? He is so happy when I don't find it and he can just easily keep drinking in our home. Happy until he gets to the point of saying mean and hateful things to me out of the blue.

His behavior has escalated to the point of saying hateful things and using threatening language. He grabbed my wrists so tight when I saw full cans and went to throw them away that my wrists are sore and bruised.

Since it is most definitely my home too in every way do I not have the right to speak up about what I call unacceptable in my home? Especially as his behavior escalates when he drinks??

I am sorry... I feel I am rambling. But I completely understand the 12 steps, I work hard at trying to follow them but I am not sure they can help once alcoholics reach a certain level with the disease. Am I missing something I should be doing??

Thanks all.... just need some outside viewpoints on this whole mess.

Anna

Of course, boundaries are yours to set if you want.

Have you considered AlAnon as a support for yourself?

Patticakes

Yes Anna.... I do attend Al Anon meetings. I just have not had the opportunity to speak with anyone much before or after the meetings. I think I am just reaching out wherever I can to figure out where I need to go from here.
Thanks for your response.

suki44883

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. PLEASE be careful and protect yourself. Do you have any children? Please do whatever is necessary to protect them and yourself. You may not think he would really harm you, but he has already put his hands on you in anger. That makes it that much easier to do it a second time.

You have every right to decide what you will and will not live with. While you cannot make him stop drinking, you can refuse to live with active alcoholism in your home. That would be a boundary and you get to decide what you will do if he crosses your boundary.

Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here. (((HUGS)))

Thepatman

I am sitting on the other side if addiction, I am an Alcohilic.

unfortunately life is short as we both know. I'm sure you love him but Alcoholism is really a big addiction. Not wanting to say anything drastic but...

Best thing for me was the mother of my son leaving me. Yes it did hurt like hell, but it's what was my rock bottom that I needed.

Take care

biminiblue

Boy, I think I would reach out to a Domestic Violence support line, too.

Holding you against your will, and especially hard enough to bruise you is very concerning. They will talk to you without judgment and can help you organize your thoughts about this.

Patticakes

Thank you all so much for responding. In the midst of this awful addiction thoughts can get so turned around. The looming question in my mind is when is enough enough. When do I hit the point of no return where I have nothing else to give? No more patience, no more the ability to wait in the background while he figures it out.... or doesn't.
No children in the home... just me. Honestly if anyone else was in the home with me at this point the answer would be a lot more clear. What does that say??? Yep.... I know.
Thank you all again. I wish you love, peace, serenity and lots of cyber hugs!
Patticakes

Aiko

Dearr Pattycake,

So sorry that you are going through hell.
You must be suffering so much.

I am on the other side,
but I would forgive him to drink at home,
and If he does not want to change... then you might consider moving out...
or remove him...
Take a holiday away so he knows you are not kidding!!!
But be VERY CAREFUL!!!!

Just one thing to help you you posted under Newcomers to Recovery

Please post under: Friends and family of Alcoholics.

Try this link to start the thread:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

they will help you better and have more experience as they suffer like you do...
And you will be understood better.

Really hopes he changes!!!
You Deserve to be happy and never forget everything is transitory nothing stays the same...

Patticakes

Thank you Aiko! Good advice all around. This was my first post on here so I just went to the spot that was recommended.
Your advice is very helpful and I appreciate so much your understanding and kind words.

Aiko

You are wellcome Patticakes,

Just read the threads and post yourself any question.
You will learn how to handle the situation.

Hope you get your life back by heart... and he recovers!!!

Big Hug,
Aiko

Dee74

Hi Patticakes - you're very welcome to post here too - this forum is for all newcomers

There's a lot of support and experience on SR - I think you've come to the right place

D

Hevyn

I want to welcome you too Patticakes. I hope you feel a bit of relief from the anxiety - knowing you're not alone.

I've been on both sides of this issue and remember those miserable days of trying to do the right thing. I'm glad you've reached out and also attended Al-Anon meetings. You are armed with the best possible knowledge and awareness. It's obvious you haven't wanted to jump ship at the first sign of trouble. Never feel guilty about doing what you must to salvage your life and move forward.

Patticakes

Thank you SO much Hevyn and Dee74!! Who would have guessed that google searching my issue would bring me to this site and gift me with such warmth and good advice?! You are all awesome and I am thanking God right now that I conquered my fears and posted.
Hevyn, I certainly AM feeling some relief from my anxiety. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!