misskitty4321

So - Last August my husband's drinking hit a major low and I left for about a month. He got on anti-depressants, completely stopped drinking, and everything was going well until mid January when I went on a "girls weekend" with some friends. While the cat was away, he went on a bender. He's been drinking ever since - 2-3 bottles of hard liquor/week (plus a few beers). But, he's not acting like he was before (withdrawn, selfish, angry, depressed). He's just himself - only sleepy. And, he's still in therapy and doing all that so I'm trying to give him a break. Then, I catch him sneaking a drink of my COUGH MEDICINE. I know he has a problem with recreational use of pain meds too, so I hid it from him. It took him several days but eventually he found it again and drank it all. I still have a cough and actually NEED it, but it's gone now. I was so pissed off that I replaced his liquor with water because apparently that's what we do in our marriage - Steal each others stuff, pretend we didn't, and never mention it. I wonder if other marriages have this level of disfunction.

ladyscribbler

Sorry. That sounds like a lot of craziness. Have you tried Alanon?

dandylion

misskitty--I see that you joined this forum in July of 2013. May I ask...have you read all of the stickies at the top of the friends and family main page? Have you read any of the recommended books? I ask this because there is soo much to know about this disease!!
You need knowledge and support. This disease is bigger than you are. Fighting him will do no good. It is important to know that the thinking that is logical for normal relationships does not work in an alcoholic marriage. (who knew?).

Please keep reading, here and learning..... Get some support for yourself from others who have been in your same shoes.

And, of course.....Keep Posting!!

dandylion

misskitty4321

I don't feel like things are bad enough for alanon at this point. I don't have any real friends that talk frankly about their marriages, so I honestly don't know if crap like this goes on in other houses or not. I feel like it probably does and I'm placing impossible standards on our marriage.

Dr Strangelove

I'm no expert but if his drinking bothers you then it's bad enough for alanon. Plus the alanon I go to anyways has nothing to do with my wife's drinking and everything to do with getting me healthy and finding serenity. It doesn't sound very serene at your house. Please consider going o to a few meetings

misskitty4321

I haven't read the stickies. Good idea. I have read Codependent No More.

inpieces314

Yeah, that happened in my house.

I kicked him out, couldn't have him around the kids. He used to be very violent, and then I got a protective order and sent him to rehab. It worked for a while, but then he started drinking again (although never again was he violent, just pretty much the same as when he was sober, although clearly drunk).

It got worse and worse. And I didn't see it because I kicked him out for drinking, again. And he just died.

I feel that if you didn't think it was a serious problem you wouldn't have posted this in the first place, so if you have to go to Al-Anon, do it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You don't have to talk, you can just listen.

I went to Al-Anon last summer and I felt like they judged me. I actually did better in the AA rooms, so I stayed there instead. It didn't matter; what mattered was that I was learning about the disease and what I could and could not do to stop it.

ladyscribbler

Yes, exactly. If it bothers you, it's "bad enough" for alanon. Dr. S. is 100% correct. Alanon is for you, it's not about how bad his problem is.

FireSprite

I don't think that stealing cough medicine for recreational use is ever normal. I also agree that 'bad enough' is relative... That you are affected by his drinking habits enough to be hiding your medications and watering down his liquor bottles speaks volumes in & of itself. Definitely check out the sticky threads!

misskitty4321

I posted because I was mad about the cough medicine. That's the new information here. The 2-3 bottles/week has been going on for awhile, and his therapist knows about it and has never suggested he go to AA (only that he find new ways to deal with work stress) (I know because I've sat in on sessions). So - I really don't think he's an alcoholic (alcohol abuser - yes, compulsive - yes). I just don't get support groups. No two situations are the same and there's a danger in listening to other's stories and trying to apply their circumstances to your own, and taking action based on that. You can only look at your own life. And my life says - I have everything I need to walk away - money, career, family, friends, boredom with our house/city, willingness to move, enjoyment of being single, etc. I wake up everyday knowing I can leave whenever I have had "enough". But only I will know when "enough" occurs.

dandylion

misskitty---you ask if other marriages have this level of dysfunction--my honest answer is that healthy and happy ones do not.

Please continue learn. Alcoholism is a progressive disease--so, if he is alcoholic you can expect that it will get worse over time. Also, your perspective may change, also.

I encourage you to "hang around"!!

dandylion

inpieces314

Just because you listen to someone else's story doesn't mean you have to act on it. You may be surprised at the things you hear that DO go on in other people's houses.

Stung

Yep. About two and a half years ago I had a bottle of vodka in the freezer for a Pinterest date night idea (I didn't know my husband was an alcoholic, he did all of his drinking in secret) and a week later when I went to use it the bottle was frozen solid. My husband drank the whole bottle and replaced the vodka with water, like he was some teenager or something. So yes, we're dysfunctional like that too but…I'm in therapy and my husband is in therapy and doing a bunch of alcoholism recovery related stuff. Things are markedly improved for us. And I highly recommend all of the stickies. I actually found them more helpful than Co-depedent No More.

AnvilheadII

I don't feel like things are bad enough for alanon at this point

He's been drinking ever since - 2-3 bottles of hard liquor/week (plus a few beers). But, he's not acting like he was before (withdrawn, selfish, angry, depressed). He's just himself - only sleepy. And, he's still in therapy and doing all that so I'm trying to give him a break. Then, I catch him sneaking a drink of my COUGH MEDICINE.

how much worse does it need to GET for you to start taking care of you??

2-3 bottles of hard liquor a week is no small drinking problem....that's a LOT of alcohol intake for ANYONE. now he's hitting your cough syrup....not because he has a cough, but because he WANTS TO GET HIGH. sorry but you have full blown addiction on your hands.......

redatlanta

Catch him drinking cough syrup - have to hide cough syrup - he looks for and finds it and drinks it all knowing you are sick and need it.

This ^^^^is not normal, not even for heavy drinkers.

I also thought I didn't need Al Anon. I was wrong.

SeriousKarma

Hi Misskitty,

What do you think of his therapist? Are you sure his therapist is fully aware of the substance abuse issues?

Before my pending divorce, when my STBXAH was in therapy, he asked me to join him to help him work through some issues. I found out that, although he had informed the therapist that he had been diagnosed with PTSD and a TBI, he had failed to mentioned that he also had an addiction to alcohol prior to any of these diagnosis. And in fact it was the alcohol that was causing the problems in our family. It changed the whole direction of therapy. Although the therapist didn't beat the AA drum over my husbands head, he made it known that he thought it was a very good option.

I wish you the best of luck. When you pull the Crazy Train into Dysfunction Junction you'll see you're not alone in this.

unsureoffuture

Hi MissKitty,

I dont believe a marriage is a healthy one of partners can't be honest and trust one another. What foundation do you have if you don't have those basic things? Stealing cough medicine from your partner who actually needs it is not respectful or supportive. Maybe it was a one time things, maybe not. Only you know if you are getting the love and support you deserve from your relationship. It does sound like your AH has a problem with addiction. Its great that he is in therapy and adsressing his issues. That shows hope. Does he admit he has a problem or is he in denial. Are you ok with him drinking 2-3 bottles of hard liquor a week plus beer or does it bother you? It might be good to step back and look at the needs that are being met in your relationship and the ones that aren't. Then you can work together and see if thise needs can be met. But in my opinion honesty and trust has to come first.

kudzujean

Then why are you posting here?

hopeful4

I knew it was really bad at my house when in 2012 my DD who was 6 at the time had surgery. She was prescribed Tylenol w/Codine as syrup. She only needed one dose, he drank the rest. He also stole and took my pain pills after I had surgery.

Disgusting....

biminiblue

There are a few good reasons to go to AlAnon. You won't understand them unless and until you go for a while: not the least of which is getting out of your own head and listening to your future in the stories of people in long-term relationships with addicts.

No support group worth its salt will judge its members. Granted, some people in AlAnon will try to "fix" others. It's what Codies do, after all.