TotallyOut

My RAB has been in recovery for 3 1/2 months now. In this time his 17 year old daughter has not been talking to him until this weekend. Along with this we have moved into a new house and I have been papering and painting different rooms. His daughter came and stayed this weekend and when she left she text me to not do the spare bathroom in the wallpaper I had already ordered. I told it her it was to late to change now. So she texts her Dad and begs him. He told her it was to late to change too. So she says i'm not coming to see you this week cause I'm pissed off about the bathroom and that he doesn't respect her opinion to do as she wants to do cause she says every color I put in the house "sucks a__". He had no idea what to say to her and I'm afraid she is going to push him over the edge in his recovery. What if anything should I say to her?

resolute50

If he's solid in his recovery,he'll be fine. Nothing and I mean nothing is going to drive me from my sobriety.That daughter needs a good straightening out.
How dare she act like that. If I was her father I would expect an apology pronto.
To both of you.

iamthird

IMHO, You have no idea what daughter may have been through if hes only been in recovery for 3 1/2 months. Wallpaper isnt something to be so upset about, there are probably underlying issues there.

My daughter is only 6 and if separated AH finds recovery in 11 years, there was a whole lot more damage he caused up to 17 years old! You need to understand what his daughter may has had to endure being the child of an alcoholic.

FeelingGreat

Hi TotallyOut, the best strategy for dealing with bad behaviour is not to give in to it. Your RAH needs to tell her it's your house, and you'll decide. She sounds like a real little miss.

If she stays away for a short time it will take some pressure of him.

CodeJob

You know this reminds me of my wedding dress. I found 2 that were wonderful. I picked the one I felt light and happy in. The other one was a bit more Princess Bride renaissance. My sister went off on how much she hated my dress and we had a huge clipped family argument over her selfish drama at the family dinner table. Even my father got dragged in. She could not take away my joy when I put that dress on, but she tried her best to ruin it. What a B. My family runs around my sister's moods so I guess she just tripped out that I was the focus for once.

You picking out colors and actively making the house your own is probably tripping her diva world. Do not change the plan whatsoever. I tried to include my sister in my wedding and take the high road as I always have with her and she continued to act up. She looks like heck in the wedding pictures bc she refused to do her hair that day.

I did not let the relationship go fallow until I was not invited to her one baby shower. It was finally crystal clear that even her friends knew how she felt about me and my own mother did not stand up for me. What a mess. Now I take her with a huge grain of SALT and geographical distance.

Here's to this girl going to college away from home!

SoaringSpirits

Something very similar happened with my 16 year old daughter recently. Her dad is living in a condo, and his evil sister (her aunt) came to visit and do some decorating for him. The aunt redecorated my daughter's bedroom and didn't really incorporate my daughter's wishes. It was not a big deal overall ---- but it triggered a lot of confusing feelings for my daughter and it was not handled well. My daughter kind of blew up and everybody was upset. I think it triggered a lot of sadness over her parents splitting up, her dad being a drunk, and all that.

This teen girl has been through a lot. And she might be a total brat, but keep that in mind. Perhaps you could talk with her and ask her what is going on. Something like "Hey, you had some real strong feelings about that bathroom wallpaper. It's important to me that you feel like this is your home too. Can you help me understand what you are feeling?"

She may say nothing, she may tell you to f- off, but she will at least know that somebody cared enough to help her sort out some of her feelings.

It's just wallpaper. Perhaps she needs to have a say in this new house. It doesn't mean you have to cave to her demands or let her run the show, but somehow involve her a bit. Maybe you can involve her in figuring out how the bathroom should look. Be sensitive to her, even if she's a pain in the neck as most teens are. I have FOUR teenagers, and behind the placid surface of all of them is a lot of grief and hurt.

redatlanta

I really doubt her behavior is about the wallpaper.

marie1960

Here is my .02 cents.

I agree with Redatlanta this really isn't about the wallpaper. She sounds like a controlling brat.

But the other side of that coin, it's your house, your money,your elbow grease, decorate it the way you choose. 17 year old's who cannot afford to make the mortgage payments don't get to have that kind of say in the matter. If she has a bedroom at your home, offer to let her choose a comforter/bedspread, a rug, some pillows, hopefully with some time, she will mature........

Isn't she going off to college soon?

TotallyOut

She is a total brat she wants things her way or no way. I'm not giving into her. It just makes me so mad that she would use see her Dad against him to make him feel like ****. He agrees with me about not giving into her. I know she still has issues but I refuse to let her attitude change my mind. Thank you for your advice.

embraced2000

teenagers may look like adults, may think they think like adults, probably try to act like an adult.

but they are not.

and teenagers that have lived with the effects of an alcoholic parent have suffered the damages like the spouses or s/o of the addict.

and just like all of those on this forum can swear to.......we know how it affected us....the adults. we know how screwed up it made our thinking, minds, changed who we are forever.

we know how we can be triggered, how we can re-act, the crazy places we can go to in our minds when we feel fragile, emotionally challenged, or our comfort zone is compromised.

so, then the alcoholic gets sober.

do we really expect all the damage to just go poof....into thin air.

loving, kind, gentle, supportive comfort are some of the things
we all needed to regain our sanity. teenagers, it seems to me would need the same.

marie1960

"do we really expect all the damage to just go poof....into thin air." (embraced2000)

I agree 100% ^^^^^^^^

I am still sorting out my choices, role, and consequences of being involved with an active alcoholic. I have so much empathy for the kids who grow up in active addiction, I just cannot imagine what they have endured, and having to come to terms with the childhood they lost, due to a parents addiction.


IMHO, this is more about the relationship she lost with her father due to his drinking.

Totallyout, I am assuming you are the step parent, and there is a high probability that no matter what you would say or do in this situation, you will end up the bad guy. Guessing she is trying to sort all this out, and you just happen to be an easy target to deflect her anger at her dad with.

You can be supportive, but it is clearly your husband's responsibility to try and repair the relationship with his child. I might be more inclined to suggest offering the daughter more choices if she was under the age of 16, but at this point, I think she just needs to be heard, and I think the person's attention she is commanding, is her father's.

Hugs to you friend, I know it can't be easy.

NWGRITS

Is the daughter in therapy? If not, she should be. No one can understand the living h*ll that is growing up with an alcoholic parent, unless they did it themselves. We absorb a lot of the behaviors modeled for us, and we don't know how to function in civilized society without serious help. Dollars to donuts that she has so much pent up anger, resentment, and just plain confusion that she's a ticking time bomb. No, her behavior was not appropriate and it shouldn't be allowed to slide. But she needs help.

Hopeworks

NWGrits beat me to it.

Counseling. Her behavior is obviously out of order but this is an opportunity to suggest that everyone participate in working on feelings and relationships for the future.

Being the stepmom is not a fun role and I dealt with that for 4 years with a toxic birth mom who did her best to cause the kids to be resentful and difficult. Alcoholism and breakup is so hard on the kids... lifelong damage is often the result.

ALL teens have a bratty moment or two ... hope things work out for all of you in a positive way.

redatlanta

Wow. She sounds like a CHILD who has been dealing with an alcoholic parent for 8 or 9 years. Several rehabs correct?

Dunno. Seems to be a lack of compassion here for this girl to be personified as a "BRAT" and possible cause of disrupting dad's recovery. Wallpaper is just a "thing". Would it be then end of the world to put something in the bathroom that she likes?

I'm sure she is difficult. Why don't you give her a call and ask her how her father's alcoholism has affected her over the years. Set aside a couple of hours I am sure she has a lot to say.