Psalm5110

Three days ago, I had it all figured out. I was done. Outta here. Ready to begin the divorce process and move on, after two years of lies and manipulation. It was clear that his drunk driving arrest over Easter weekend was not bottom for him, but it was for me.

Then last night, when I was picking up our son from my in-laws' house where he had joined them and my husband for dinner, my sweet little toddler wrapped his arms around his daddy's neck and said, "Daddy, you come home with us." My husband just clung to him and sobbed until we left.

An hour later, he called me with the words I'd prayed to hear. "You were right. I have a problem. I need help. I'm sorry for everything. I'm going to my first AA meeting tomorrow."

I know enough not to trust him yet. I know this could be more of him telling me what I want to hear. I still plan to meet with my attorney and discuss child custody options and how to protect myself financially. I think I can wait on the divorce piece while I see where this all leads, but I need to do what's best for me, our son and our new baby due to arrive in seven weeks.

No matter what, no one is going to be happy:

I'm going to continue to miss the man he was until alcoholism changed him. I am going to do things that hurt him, particularly when it comes to child custody, and because I still love him, I will hate causing him pain. I am going to uproot my life in order to have the support and care I need when the baby arrives, and all the while I am going to wish he could be at my side - even though that will not be an option because I can't imagine truly being able to trust him by that point.

He's going to think he should be able to come home as soon as he takes even the tiniest steps in recovery, and unless he's able to wrap his damaged brain around how much this has affected me, he's going to resent the strong action I'm taking.

My parents, who have been a wonderful support system for me, are going to think I'm not taking strong enough action. Addiction has never been part of our lives (until now) and the are furious with him for all the pain he has caused me.

His parents, who have finally started to wrap their minds around the enormity of the problem, are going to think I'm being vindictive. Like him, they will think starting recovery is enough and will probably be angry with me for making it harder for him rather than just forgiving and forgetting.

Ugh. I'm thankful for this community, my Al-Anon group and my counselor. I know I can work all this out, but right now I kind of want to curl up in a ball and try to sleep it all away!

honeypig

Psalm, sounds like you know how to get off the rollercoaster and you are taking steps to do so. Sounds to me like you're taking care of YOU and turning your A over to whatever higher power you believe in--and that is exactly right.

It's frustrating to deal w/those who have no understanding of alcoholism, but stick to the hard lessons YOU'VE learned. As you say, all of us here DO get it and DO support you in your recovery.

Thanks for sharing your story, and I applaud the steps forward that you've taken!

lillamy

Hold that thought for a second. I would say there's a good chance that 3/4 of your family will be happier without an alcoholic in the house. Your children will be better off. You will be, too. As for the alcoholic? It's up to him if he wants to live with an alcoholic. He has all the power and control over that part.


For a while -- but there's a good chance you will get over it. I have.

You're going to do things to protect your children. If they hurt him in the process, that is a hurt he will have brought on himself by not seeking sobriety and recovery.

Children are remarkably flexible and adaptable. And whether they are able to verbalize it or not, they will be happier and more relaxed when they are no longer living with active addiction.


The only thing we can base our actions on is what we know today. Tomorrow, next week, ten years from now -- that's another issue. My advice would be to not suffer tomorrow's potential pain until tomorrow gets here.

peridotbleu

I am sorry for what brought you here, but glad you found SR, and Alanon. With the right support, you will find your way off of that rollercoaster, and like Honeypig said, it sounds like you already have. Things will get better one way or the other...it may not be what you want or even what you thought, but keep going to Alanon and reading/posting here...you will find your way to a better life. Knowledge is key, the more you learn about this disease, the less you will be willing to ride that ride!
Stay strong...sending you hugs.

fedup3

You are one terrific mother! I will pray for you and your little ones.

ichabod

Psalm, I admire your strength and resolve. You are taking the necessary steps for you and your family. Always remember that.

Maybe your husband will get sober and maybe he won't but at least he's acknowledging the problem. Many never do. I wish the both of you success.

Blueskies25

Good heavens, I simply can't believe how strong and switched on you are. Such an eloquent post. If it means anything, you're simply light years ahead of where I was at that stage of sep. I applaud your strength. H

Blueskies25

Hit the send button. Sorry. Was trying to send you hugs.