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Trying to take the high road is hard sometimes

Old 04-23-2014, 07:59 AM
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Trying to take the high road is hard sometimes

This is kind of a vent. I guess.

So I put a plug in air freshener in our bedroom 2 nights ago because the room smelled like ABF (you know that smell...). Yesterday, while I was still at work, ABF comes home and realizes and calls me to yell at me about it.

I told him where it was, so he could take it out and figured that was that. But no. I get home last night and I guess he was looking for an argument. I asked him what was bothering him since he seemed pissy. "The dog ate my dinner, DD **** her pants. Don't ever put those air fresheners in MY HOUSE ever again."

He said this infront of one of his friends that was over. I was embarrassed by the way he treated me. So all I said was "Okay, when you start taking showers." calmly. I started to walk into the house with DD to get our dinner started. He blew up. I just kept walking and I didn't say anything back.

Later he actually took a shower (first one all week since Saturday) and left. Didn't say a freaking word! I texted him and said "next time you decide to leave and not say anything, don't expect anyone to be here when you get back."

I couldn't help it. I probably shouldn't have. We got into it later when he came home. He was drunk and kept interfering with me putting dd to bed. he ended up keeping her and I both up until about 10 (she'll be 3 in july). Its so frustrating. I can't wait to be done with this. Its hard to detach when they are always in your face.
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Old 04-23-2014, 08:10 AM
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Blossom I have the same problem. Sometimes it's so hard to keep my big mouth shut! I always seem to regret it.

Sigh....progress not perfection.

Btw, my AH lacks personal hygiene too when he's on a binge. Gross!
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Old 04-23-2014, 08:22 AM
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My xabf used to keep me awake arguing, the more I needed a good night's sleep due to my irregular work hours or important commitments the next morning, the worse he was.
I was shocked and surprised to learn that this was a common abuse tactic. I could never have guessed it was intentional but I know it would leave me shattered.
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Old 04-23-2014, 08:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Live View Post
My xabf used to keep me awake arguing, the more I needed a good night's sleep due to my irregular work hours or important commitments the next morning, the worse he was.
I was shocked and surprised to learn that this was a common abuse tactic. I could never have guessed it was intentional but I know it would leave me shattered.
My ABF does the same thing! He will also wake me up if I'm asleep! Especially if I have something I'm looking forward to the next day or something important (a 10k, an exam, etc.). I didn't realize it can be intentional. I wish that type of abuse was easy to prove.
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Old 04-23-2014, 08:48 AM
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Originally Posted by HopefulinFLA View Post
Blossom I have the same problem. Sometimes it's so hard to keep my big mouth shut! I always seem to regret it.

Sigh....progress not perfection.

Btw, my AH lacks personal hygiene too when he's on a binge. Gross!
Its really hard sometimes. I like the "progress not perfection." I used to be a lot worse.

also, today is another day.
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Old 04-23-2014, 08:57 AM
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All too common in our home. AH kept baby and me up until about one a.m. the night before Easter. Attacked everything he could come up with: my parenting skills, what I do for a job (made fun of me being a manager at a grocery store) and went on and on about my "wifely duties." WIFELY DUTIES!! Swigging from the bottle, joint in his hand and criticising me! I kept my poker face and was silent but getting up the next day I felt like I'd been run over by a truck.
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Old 04-23-2014, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by missboots View Post
All too common in our home. AH kept baby and me up until about one a.m. the night before Easter. Attacked everything he could come up with: my parenting skills, what I do for a job (made fun of me being a manager at a grocery store) and went on and on about my "wifely duties." WIFELY DUTIES!! Swigging from the bottle, joint in his hand and criticising me! I kept my poker face and was silent but getting up the next day I felt like I'd been run over by a truck.
Hmmm...are we with the same person? that's basically what ABF was doing. I was putting DD to bed right, I don't clean enough so that's why the bed room smells, I don't make enough money to have an opinion, blah blah blah.

I feel the same today. I'm just going to do my own thing. I guess we just have to keep our heads up. I'm sorry you had to put up with that the night before Easter!
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Old 04-23-2014, 09:19 AM
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What he did is gaslighting and emoational abuse. It would be very hard to detatch from that.
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Old 04-23-2014, 10:26 AM
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so do i understand you DO have plans in place to get out of this horrid situation?? i sure hope so!
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Old 04-23-2014, 10:38 AM
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why do we put up with this abuse? I did it, too.

I became so very angry at people trying to convince me he had a disease.

I have a disease...diabetes....but if I eat too much sugar, I don't abuse others. if I don't take care of myself, I don't blame others. etc.

I do now accept that alcoholism is a disease. but the behaviors??????

I finally made my exit with great difficulty...ya know, the broken heart, hurt feelings, loss of hope, low self esteem, anger, the agony....and it was very, very difficult.

but the payoff has been tremendously, over the top good.

good wishes your way...and to your baby girl.
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Old 04-23-2014, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
What he did is gaslighting and emoational abuse. It would be very hard to detatch from that.
Why would gaslighting and emotional abuse make it HARD to detach? I would think it would make it much easier? I don't understand this. Did you mean "unless you understand what gaslighting is..." ?
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Old 04-23-2014, 11:16 AM
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I am trying to get plans into gear to get out of this situation.

Its just a matter of coming up with the money to do so. My mom says I can live with her for a while but she and her bf aren't in a much better situation (not an A but he is manipulative).

I'm hoping I can find a better paying job this summer and get an apartment. That's my goal anyway.
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Old 04-23-2014, 11:27 AM
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Well...actually I think it's great you stood up for yourself. I feel sometimes Alanon and the rules try to tell us somehow anger is bad (or that's how I perceived it when I went) and that seems to translate into standing up for ourselves is somehow bad (or that's how it translated for me and some others I know). For me that actually made things worse as I liked to "keep the peace" and thus had become a doormat (and I'm talking about me, not implying anything about anyone else) and I would feel bad about myself by holding in those feelings and allowing others to treat me poorly. But for some reason I was so scared of being perceived as angry (because that was "bad") that I was afraid to stand up for myself and just let myself feel bad and be treated bad.

What I explored in therapy was why I would always "feel bad" when I got angry or stood up for myself...and the conclusion was my NPD abusive mother had conditioned that into me...so I came to the conclusion that it was OK to stand up for myself and OK to not just say nothing...and that was empowering. So IMHO there is nothing wrong with what you said or did...and if he gets mad about it? Well so what. That's on him not you. Just my two cents an humble opinion to take or leave. And yes I did detach from my XRAH when he was actively drinking BUT at the same time if he belittled me (especially in front of others) yes I stood up for myself and then left the room, I didn't do it to change him though I did it to empower me. I guess for me I don't think taking the high road is always the best approach psychologically for my well being....I'm not saying I'm going to go crazy mad or anything but if someone says something to me that is blatantly passive aggressive, mean or just plain incorrect yes I'm going to stand my ground and speak my truth (then I let it go...so I speak my truth but I don't dwell on it for me by speaking it it keeps it from festering inside creating anxiety).
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Old 04-23-2014, 02:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Blossom717 View Post
My ABF does the same thing! He will also wake me up if I'm asleep! Especially if I have something I'm looking forward to the next day or something important (a 10k, an exam, etc.). I didn't realize it can be intentional. I wish that type of abuse was easy to prove.
My ex did this as well. Kept me and the kids up until all hours or woke us in the middle of the night.
The technical term for this (I learned this when I was in Iraq. We were in the same building as the interrogators) is monstering. When you use sleep deprivation as an interrogation technique and the interrogator and the subject are both awake for the same cycle.
Of course he would always sleep the whole next day while I was going through the day like a zombie trying to take care of everything. Heaven forbid anything disturbed his beauty rest, he'd wake up raging and tear into us. So glad I'm away from that.
I lived with my mom for awhile after I left. It was hard, but worth it to get away from all the crap, and now I've got a place. Stick to your plan. You can do this.
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Old 04-23-2014, 02:32 PM
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
My ex did this as well. Kept me and the kids up until all hours or woke us in the middle of the night.
The technical term for this (I learned this when I was in Iraq. We were in the same building as the interrogators) is monstering. When you use sleep deprivation as an interrogation technique and the interrogator and the subject are both awake for the same cycle.
Of course he would always sleep the whole next day while I was going through the day like a zombie trying to take care of everything. Heaven forbid anything disturbed his beauty rest, he'd wake up raging and tear into us. So glad I'm away from that.
Why do you need proof? You know he's doing it, that's more than enough.
monstering? that sounds about right. Proof would just be nice concerning child custody. He is still a "functioning" alcoholic....he works full time. That's the main reason I haven't left yet. I'm terrified that he will get custody. I'm okay with every other weekend or something like that, he can handle himself for that long. But I'm scared he will weasel his way into half and half or something.
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Old 04-23-2014, 02:39 PM
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I think you might be surprised once you leave at how much of his "functioning" is you propping him up. These guys are way too in love with booze to want to take on more than a bare minimum of parental or personal responsibility. My ex can't even take care of dogs, cats or himself. As soon as I left he quit his job and has basically been on an eight month bender. He hardly even talks to our son on the phone.
Before I left I might have described him as functional. Not anymore.
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Old 04-23-2014, 03:39 PM
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I thought that too about child custody. I encourage you to have a consult w/an attorney as in this state it is very very rare for the husband to get 50/50. It was my main fear too. Educate yourself as much as possible!

Take Care!
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