Problems in Al-Anon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2
Problems in Al-Anon
Hello
I found this forum because I researched problems with sponsors in AA or Al Anon.
I've been in Al-Anon for a little over 6 months. My husband joined AA a little later.
About 3 months ago a woman from our group asked me, if I want a sponsor. I was actually quite happy she asked me, because I had been thinking of asking her. Of all the people I met there, she seemed to be the only one with more control than me in her life.
It turned out that she is extremely controlling - or at least it feels that way. We are still on step one. I feel that is mainly because she makes a mountain out of every little mole hill in my life.
I repeated a joke my father made once. She is now convinced that I have issues with my father. I don't. My father and I are very close and there has been no problem between us since my rebellious teenage years.
I told her once, that I forgot to clean the house. Now my inability to manage my household has to be discussed regularly.
I once answered the phone when I was tired. My sleep problems are also an issue now.
Now, in my opinion, the problem in my life is that I often pick the wrong people and that I fell in love with an alcoholic, whom I don't want to leave.
About a month ago, she sent me an email informing me of an Al Anon Workshop on the following Saturday. It was Wednesday. I had already made plans with a friend. I was told that in Al Anon, friends come last and Recovery comes first. I should cancel my plans with my friend. I didn't. First of all, I really enjoy my friend's company, even if she doesn't participate in any 12 step program. Secondly, my friend has to travel a couple of hours to come and see me and I am sure she had planned her week around the fact that she would be gone the entire Saturday. I know I would not be too pleased if a friend would cancel on such a short notice.
Making food for a sick friend and then delivering it to her house was also very wrong and just showed that I have a low self-esteem and am a people pleaser. Spontaneously looking after my nephews when my sister is feeling ill and her husband is working in the evening (my brother-in-law works in a restaurant) - a big no no. My sister is a grown-up and can handle the situation on her own. (Which I thought she did when she called me and asked for help, because she didn't feel up to handling her children that evening). I don't buy quite as much of the books as she'd like me too. So every time I tell her I went for a coffee with a friend, she "reminds" me that with all the money I spent for coffee that month I could have bought a book from Al Anon.
When I share in the group, she admonishes me after the meeting that I made myself a victim.
Yesterday she told me, that I should share in every meeting and that I should say that I am doing step one and then reiterate what I am powerless over. Anything more personal than that I am only allowed to share with my sponsor, not the entire group. The people in the group who share their personal problems rather than their step work are doing it wrong.
I am already watching very closely what I say when I share or to anyone after the meeting, so it fits within Al Anon rules. But I don't see the point in sharing at all, when all I do is saying: "Hi, I am still on step one, and I am still powerless over my husband's sobriety, my husband's safety, etc." I've long since accepted that.
I haven't felt quite as rebellious for years!
I thought about looking for a new sponsor. Unfortunately, there are only 2 groups in my area and both are frequented by the same people. I don't see anyone else I'd like to be my sponsor. In the moment, I really just want to stop going to the meetings. The literature helps me, but the people in this area seem to be much sicker than my husband ever was.
I found this forum because I researched problems with sponsors in AA or Al Anon.
I've been in Al-Anon for a little over 6 months. My husband joined AA a little later.
About 3 months ago a woman from our group asked me, if I want a sponsor. I was actually quite happy she asked me, because I had been thinking of asking her. Of all the people I met there, she seemed to be the only one with more control than me in her life.
It turned out that she is extremely controlling - or at least it feels that way. We are still on step one. I feel that is mainly because she makes a mountain out of every little mole hill in my life.
I repeated a joke my father made once. She is now convinced that I have issues with my father. I don't. My father and I are very close and there has been no problem between us since my rebellious teenage years.
I told her once, that I forgot to clean the house. Now my inability to manage my household has to be discussed regularly.
I once answered the phone when I was tired. My sleep problems are also an issue now.
Now, in my opinion, the problem in my life is that I often pick the wrong people and that I fell in love with an alcoholic, whom I don't want to leave.
About a month ago, she sent me an email informing me of an Al Anon Workshop on the following Saturday. It was Wednesday. I had already made plans with a friend. I was told that in Al Anon, friends come last and Recovery comes first. I should cancel my plans with my friend. I didn't. First of all, I really enjoy my friend's company, even if she doesn't participate in any 12 step program. Secondly, my friend has to travel a couple of hours to come and see me and I am sure she had planned her week around the fact that she would be gone the entire Saturday. I know I would not be too pleased if a friend would cancel on such a short notice.
Making food for a sick friend and then delivering it to her house was also very wrong and just showed that I have a low self-esteem and am a people pleaser. Spontaneously looking after my nephews when my sister is feeling ill and her husband is working in the evening (my brother-in-law works in a restaurant) - a big no no. My sister is a grown-up and can handle the situation on her own. (Which I thought she did when she called me and asked for help, because she didn't feel up to handling her children that evening). I don't buy quite as much of the books as she'd like me too. So every time I tell her I went for a coffee with a friend, she "reminds" me that with all the money I spent for coffee that month I could have bought a book from Al Anon.
When I share in the group, she admonishes me after the meeting that I made myself a victim.
Yesterday she told me, that I should share in every meeting and that I should say that I am doing step one and then reiterate what I am powerless over. Anything more personal than that I am only allowed to share with my sponsor, not the entire group. The people in the group who share their personal problems rather than their step work are doing it wrong.
I am already watching very closely what I say when I share or to anyone after the meeting, so it fits within Al Anon rules. But I don't see the point in sharing at all, when all I do is saying: "Hi, I am still on step one, and I am still powerless over my husband's sobriety, my husband's safety, etc." I've long since accepted that.
I haven't felt quite as rebellious for years!
I thought about looking for a new sponsor. Unfortunately, there are only 2 groups in my area and both are frequented by the same people. I don't see anyone else I'd like to be my sponsor. In the moment, I really just want to stop going to the meetings. The literature helps me, but the people in this area seem to be much sicker than my husband ever was.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Not sure what to say except, a sponsor is a sponsor. She does not own you.
If she is bringing more misery in your family recovery than good...
Never had a sponsor, but I think A good one would gently try to influence me in the right direction. Not judge me or dictate my life.
My 50 cents
If she is bringing more misery in your family recovery than good...
Never had a sponsor, but I think A good one would gently try to influence me in the right direction. Not judge me or dictate my life.
My 50 cents
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
sommervogel im glad ya found this site.theres a LOT of great alanon members here.
yes, in both alanon and AA some truly are sicker than others. sponsors in both are not our higher power. they are there to guide us, not control.
"I am already watching very closely what I say when I share or to anyone after the meeting, so it fits within Al Anon rules. "
theres really no reason for this. you are allowed to say what ya want when ya want wherever you are.
not sure if alanon has any literature on sponsorship, but heres one from AA:
http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
theres gonna be some great advise comin from alanon members comin for ya here.
yes, in both alanon and AA some truly are sicker than others. sponsors in both are not our higher power. they are there to guide us, not control.
"I am already watching very closely what I say when I share or to anyone after the meeting, so it fits within Al Anon rules. "
theres really no reason for this. you are allowed to say what ya want when ya want wherever you are.
not sure if alanon has any literature on sponsorship, but heres one from AA:
http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
theres gonna be some great advise comin from alanon members comin for ya here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Your experience underscores in my mind the fact that Al-Anon (and AA and NA) are populated by lay people - common folk, not necessarily therapists or psychologists or psychiatrists. They are all there for the same reason that you are there, including your sponsor. Sounds like your sponsor thinks she's a therapist, and perhaps credits herself a little too much as the all-knowing 12-Step authority. That doesn't sound very healthy for you. My experience with a sponsor was much more collaborative - she guided, suggested, and listened, but we decided together on the pace of the step work. The whole process was very eye-opening and rewarding for me, and very healing. Sounds to me like you should find a gentle way to end this relationship, and either find another sponsor or do most of the step work yourself.
Incidentally, my sponsor wasn't someone in Al-Anon, although that was technically the group to which I belonged. My sponsor is a friend of mine who has been in recovery for about 23 years and runs a treatment facility for which I do volunteer work. Unconventional, yes, but it worked very well for me.
Incidentally, my sponsor wasn't someone in Al-Anon, although that was technically the group to which I belonged. My sponsor is a friend of mine who has been in recovery for about 23 years and runs a treatment facility for which I do volunteer work. Unconventional, yes, but it worked very well for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 88
You can "fire" your sponsor any time you wish... It is a matter of personal preference on your part... whether to have a sponsor or not, and who that person might or might not be. I've had to fire a sponsor or two myself, and I have had to release a sponsee or two along the way.
I'm sorry... but this person sounds as though she has traded controlling her addicted loved one for controlling her sponsees. The LAST thing any sponsor should do is tell you specifically what to do with money, time, etc... and certainly a good, healthy sponsor would not suggest that you have issues with your loved ones after a single comment you make... even if they THOUGHT you might, they shouldn't voice that concern until a pattern has presented itself over time...
Just reading your post makes me cringe... I would never DREAM of being a sponsor like that... That relationship is too important, and mutual trust is a MUST. A sponsor is the last person on earth to whom you should feel the need to guard what you say or how you say it. There is no "wrong way" to do recovery... as long as you do something. That statement disturbs me... and a judgemental attitude is even more disturbing in a sponsor... nope. I couldn't handle this...
I'm sorry... but this person sounds as though she has traded controlling her addicted loved one for controlling her sponsees. The LAST thing any sponsor should do is tell you specifically what to do with money, time, etc... and certainly a good, healthy sponsor would not suggest that you have issues with your loved ones after a single comment you make... even if they THOUGHT you might, they shouldn't voice that concern until a pattern has presented itself over time...
Just reading your post makes me cringe... I would never DREAM of being a sponsor like that... That relationship is too important, and mutual trust is a MUST. A sponsor is the last person on earth to whom you should feel the need to guard what you say or how you say it. There is no "wrong way" to do recovery... as long as you do something. That statement disturbs me... and a judgemental attitude is even more disturbing in a sponsor... nope. I couldn't handle this...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
appear to be two different Programs ??
Originally Posted by sommervogel 
When I share in the group, she admonishes me after the meeting that I made myself a victim.
Anything more personal than that I am only allowed to share with my sponsor, not the entire group.
The people in the group who share their personal problems rather than their step work are doing it wrong.
I am already watching very closely what I say when I share or to anyone after the meeting, so it fits within Al Anon rules.
I haven't felt quite as rebellious for years!
AA is more of a free will Program (it seems)
ones don't care to be force fed
MM
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2
Thank you for your answers. I was hoping to get some insight here, because I was unsure if her behavior was normal or not. I am glad to hear that others also feel that she is out of line.
I will have to try to find a way to end this relationship. I am not quite sure how yet. I know I should not make assumptions, but I don't see that ending well. As I said, the groups are small. But before we ever make it to step 4, I need to get out - she already made me list the character defects she detected in me and I don't see myself confessing defects I am quite sure I don't have (or which have been part of my character since early childhood - I never had many friends, but I love the few non-toxic ones I have, I don't want to ask my Higher Power to transform me into a social butterfly. I also don't want the courage to change every policy in my workplace, I am happy with them even if there are sometimes meeting that keep my from an Al Anon meeting. I don't want to stand up to my boss and tell him that I won't come to meetings after 5pm. What I want to concentrate on is not turning into a banshee whenever my husband relapses or comes home later than he said. And I'd like to tell my husband again that I love him).
I will have to try to find a way to end this relationship. I am not quite sure how yet. I know I should not make assumptions, but I don't see that ending well. As I said, the groups are small. But before we ever make it to step 4, I need to get out - she already made me list the character defects she detected in me and I don't see myself confessing defects I am quite sure I don't have (or which have been part of my character since early childhood - I never had many friends, but I love the few non-toxic ones I have, I don't want to ask my Higher Power to transform me into a social butterfly. I also don't want the courage to change every policy in my workplace, I am happy with them even if there are sometimes meeting that keep my from an Al Anon meeting. I don't want to stand up to my boss and tell him that I won't come to meetings after 5pm. What I want to concentrate on is not turning into a banshee whenever my husband relapses or comes home later than he said. And I'd like to tell my husband again that I love him).
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
She doesn't sound like a 'healthy' sponsor to me. She seems to have issues with control. I'd be unhappy with her if she was doing that stuff to me. Can you talk to her and tell her you want to be guided, not controlled? If all else fails, end your relationship.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
This sounds very invasive Sommervogel. As others have said, she seems to be trying to take on the role of a therapist....but even then, a very scary and controlling one.
I am an alcoholic now, but many years ago when I didn't drink, I attended ALAnon as my mother and partner at the time had drinking and addiction issues. What you describe does not seem in the spirit of what the group is there for. In fact, my sponsor was more a guide, not a confessional where I had to empty out all my personal details. It was more discussion about what the steps were there to teach us.
Sounds like she's shifted onto saving you as her new project.
I wish I had a suggestion, perhaps explaining your concerns with the main contact / organiser of the group and stress it's a confidential conversation?
I am an alcoholic now, but many years ago when I didn't drink, I attended ALAnon as my mother and partner at the time had drinking and addiction issues. What you describe does not seem in the spirit of what the group is there for. In fact, my sponsor was more a guide, not a confessional where I had to empty out all my personal details. It was more discussion about what the steps were there to teach us.
Sounds like she's shifted onto saving you as her new project.
I wish I had a suggestion, perhaps explaining your concerns with the main contact / organiser of the group and stress it's a confidential conversation?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
It sounds like your sponsor believes she is clinical psychologist. Maybe you should report her to the authorities for practicing without a license 
I'm kidding of course. However, IMO this woman is potentially dangerous to your mental health. I would end the relationship immediately.
I'm kidding of course. However, IMO this woman is potentially dangerous to your mental health. I would end the relationship immediately.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Originally Posted by FeenixxRising
It sounds like your sponsor believes she is clinical psychologist Maybe you should report her to the authorities for practicing without a license
I'm kidding of course. However, IMO this woman is potentially dangerous to your mental health. I would end the relationship immediately.
I'm kidding of course. However, IMO this woman is potentially dangerous to your mental health. I would end the relationship immediately.
AA member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: United Kingdom.
Posts: 3,007
You will probably get better answers in the Friends and Family forum,lots of members of Al-Anon post there.
There appaer to be a lot of differences between AA and Al-Anon,even though we both work the same programme.
Not many posters in the Newcomers forum have any knowledge about either AA or Al-Anon.
There appaer to be a lot of differences between AA and Al-Anon,even though we both work the same programme.
Not many posters in the Newcomers forum have any knowledge about either AA or Al-Anon.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, I had this exact same problem in AA in the past two weeks as a new member. It's pretty scary when you have someone in your safe place (an AA meeting) who decides to take advantage of a newly sober person looking for answers and healing in an unfamiliar program/environment only to have some controlling "fixer" try to start running my life.
I talked to several people in the program with long-term sobriety about it and they all said to run not walk away from this person. These predatory people who volunteer to be my sponsor in the future will hear nothing more from me than that which I tell them in meetings. People in the program are not qualified behavior analysts nor mental health professionals. I really think it's dangerous for them to try acting like one.
Not everyone needs a sponsor. It isn't in the literature as necessary, and it isn't a requirement of membership to do the steps. I really dislike this part of the 12 Step programs. Too much room for abusive relationships like the one described by the OP and the one with which I almost found myself involved.
I talked to several people in the program with long-term sobriety about it and they all said to run not walk away from this person. These predatory people who volunteer to be my sponsor in the future will hear nothing more from me than that which I tell them in meetings. People in the program are not qualified behavior analysts nor mental health professionals. I really think it's dangerous for them to try acting like one.
Not everyone needs a sponsor. It isn't in the literature as necessary, and it isn't a requirement of membership to do the steps. I really dislike this part of the 12 Step programs. Too much room for abusive relationships like the one described by the OP and the one with which I almost found myself involved.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
I think a conversation like this is in order:
You to your sponsor: Thank you very much for your time but I think it is best for my recovery if we part ways. I appreciate your help. Good Bye.
You don't owe her any explanation other than that. Good luck.
You to your sponsor: Thank you very much for your time but I think it is best for my recovery if we part ways. I appreciate your help. Good Bye.
You don't owe her any explanation other than that. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Well, I had this exact same problem in AA in the past two weeks as a new member. It's pretty scary when you have someone in your safe place (an AA meeting) who decides to take advantage of a newly sober person looking for answers and healing in an unfamiliar program/environment only to have some controlling "fixer" try to start running my life.
I talked to several people in the program with long-term sobriety about it and they all said to run not walk away from this person. These predatory people who volunteer to be my sponsor in the future will hear nothing more from me than that which I tell them in meetings. People in the program are not qualified behavior analysts nor mental health professionals. I really think it's dangerous for them to try acting like one.
Not everyone needs a sponsor. It isn't in the literature as necessary, and it isn't a requirement of membership to do the steps. I really dislike this part of the 12 Step programs. Too much room for abusive relationships like the one described by the OP and the one with which I almost found myself involved.
I talked to several people in the program with long-term sobriety about it and they all said to run not walk away from this person. These predatory people who volunteer to be my sponsor in the future will hear nothing more from me than that which I tell them in meetings. People in the program are not qualified behavior analysts nor mental health professionals. I really think it's dangerous for them to try acting like one.
Not everyone needs a sponsor. It isn't in the literature as necessary, and it isn't a requirement of membership to do the steps. I really dislike this part of the 12 Step programs. Too much room for abusive relationships like the one described by the OP and the one with which I almost found myself involved.
Remember, a sponsor is not your father, mother, big brother, big sister, boss, slave master, therapist or even a teacher. They aren't qualified to fit into any of those roles in the sponsor/sponsee relationship.
All newcomers should carefully read the AA guidelines on sponsorship. It clearly states what a sponsor is and isn't. Remember, you, not the sponsor, are in control of your sobriety. Make sure any potential sponsor understands that is your position.
http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
Sounds like maybe she is directing her micromanaging/control issues these days toward you instead of the alcoholic in her life! This sounds like it would cause major stress and lack of trust - I would end things with her as soon as you can.
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