zach4677

I am just starting day 3 and my head is just spinning with thoughts. I had my first big test today and went to a party after my meeting tonight. I left just after a few minutes because the cravings just got too intense and I didn't want to break my sobriety.
But it got me to thinking and start to remember why I started drinking. In high school I was the socially awkward guy who creeped people out. I started drinking to help myself in social situations my freshman year in college. Fast forward 4 years and now full fledged alcoholic trying to recover.
I figured out today that alcohol controlled my life a lot more than I ever thought. That for the past few years it pretty much was part of my life. It was my life and everything revolved around it. I gotta figure out who I actually am and today I learned I really don't know who I am.

The second thing that is on my mind is that 3 years ago today I got engaged to my now ex fiancée. That relationship with her is what drove me full fledged alcoholic. After a year of crap nightshift job and living with her, she cheated on me and kicked me out. Just harboring resentment against her and not dealing with the anger well and I started drinking everyday. Its pretty ironic that we talked about resentment at my meeting tonight seeing what day it is. I feel like its something that is part of the core of my problem and something I need to fix during my recovery

I don't mean to ramble on and on but like I said im socially awkward and very shy and couldn't get this off my chest at my meeting tonight

KateL

Just relax and listen if that's what you want. No one will force you to speak. xxx

trikuza

its understandable that your ex cheating on you would drive you to drink, but life goes on and you'll find someone else.

No need to waste your energy thinking about someone who did you dirty! Just remember that if she was willing to do that...she wasn't the one for you anyway.

Mountainmanbob

stay sober
and
the you
that you will in time discover
will be the real you

that's the guy we have for so long
been wanting to see eye to eye in the mirror

MM

MariahGayle

Thanks for sharing that Zach....That's very BIG that your recognize holding a resentment is not good for you & your recovery. Your doing great Zach & I admire that you are making the choice to go in a different direction.

zach4677

thanks everyone for the support and comments.

I think finding out who I am is going to be a long process. It is seriously very confusing. I found an old journal from 2012, pretty much around the time I went from being just a heavy drinker to alcoholic. What I find was very suprising. my views and goals on life changed in just a few months. even my thought process and even my handwriting changed.

What im unsure about is who is the real me? the me from then? or the me from now? or something completely different? I guess the good thing about starting to recover is having the ability to figure out and even choose who I am since I am now choosing to take alcohol which was pretty much the core of my life out.

Pipefish

Enjoy the process Zach. Take it easy & be gentle with yourself. There's a whole sober lifetime ahead to do the figuring...

Have found none better than the people on here and in AA to do it with.

Wish you well

Ruby2

We discussed resentments in my meeting tonight. Must be going around. You are the same person who wrote in that journal as you are now. Every bit of time and experience leads us to the people we are now and will become. We learn from our past experiences and create a new person every day. Thanks for sharing and it is good that you found the strength to leave the get together when you did.