Loneliness and boredom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posts: 250
Loneliness and boredom
Hello all, this is my first post on this sub-forum. I'm not sure where it belongs, really, but I felt this might be the best place.
If I had to sum my relationship up in one word, it would be: lonely. Second word would be boring.
In a nutshell, as a bit of a back story, my bf and I have been together for a year. We moved in together a month after we met (long story).
I'm ten days sober. He is not.
Our relationship was founded on drinking together. I've tried to break up with him on three separate occasions to no avail (more long stories). One of my "secret" side reasons for stopping drinking was to see if he would actually, finally, break up with me (or if it would make breaking up with him easier for me).
I know I'm new to sobriety but like I mentioned in a prior thread, I feel that the desire to break up is a "preexisting condition".
I have a history of attendance in Al-Anon and am not unfamiliar with accepting alcoholics and their behavior as something I cannot fix or control. My father was an angry "high-functioning" type A personality drunk and my mother an extreme codie... before I struggled with alcohol, I went to Al-Anon as part of my recovery plan from anorexia. Anyhow (so many long stories! Trying to keep this brief and readable, lol)
I don't know how much alcohol is a problem for my bf. He can't live without it, but he doesn't get drunk now that I'm not drinking with him. He refuses to give it up (but I've not asked him to ... he is in charge of his own life, eh?) Same with weed. I don't touch the stuff but he insists on having it in our apartment. He smokes nightly. I can't stand it but try to tolerate his choices to the best of my ability (this has been a prob from the get-go with us). I greatly GREATLY dislike that he insists on participating in illegal activities, but who am I to judge? I was the "perfect" alcoholic, never drinking and driving, never touching anything illegal, etc. Pitiful really.
But anyway, He thinks I'm crazy for going sober and has been really mopey and generally weird these last ten days. I know it's all new and raw and fresh, and that change takes time... I'm not sure all this merits a post just yet but I thought I'd start something as a bit of a journal entry that I could update as time goes on.
Okay, so on to feelings...
Where to start! I want to break up. I'm lonely, even though he's here. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts (in the place where it's so hard to admit the truth), that I am the instigating factor behind all our troubles. That I am the one who is damaged, I am the one who messes things up. That he is perfect and that if I were better, we would have an incredible relationship.
He's not abusive, except verbally when he's angry, which is rare, though it does happen and it scares the living daylights out of me when it does. He's generally sweet and funny and kind and caring, but as time goes on and I change, I realize that the "kind and caring" part might just be codependence. When I was drinking, he'd give me rides to work, now I don't need them and he feels - lost. I understand that a man needs to be needed, that it bolsters his manliness, so it could just be that. Idk! He still offers me wine (I used to only drink hard alcohol and to him wine isn't alcoholic, ha!) He bugs to see if I need food, or soda, or anything - as if I were an invalid. Gosh, see, maybe I'm just overreacting, am being hypersensitive. Argh, idk. It just feels like he's on his best behavior, that he feels guilty, and that all this is some kind of calm before a storm.
I can't deny that I'm lonely though. Even when we were drinking together, I was bored and lonely. My alcoholism used him for rides and financial convenience; he wasn't intolerable to be around either. (Gosh I'm going to read this later and just want to run away from embarrassment, I'm sure. If I could only hear myself talk right now, I feel so crazy and confused by all this!) Maybe I'm just trying to create a problem where there isn't one. I have no idea. Again, my recovery is new and confusion is normal, I recognize this much; I still just need to sort out my thoughts and ... BLAH! Vent! Sorry if this is all over the place, ack.
In my prior attempts to break up, he has flat-out refused to leave as his name is on the lease too. Everything in this apartment is mine except for his clothes and computer stuff (he works IT), I even paid the full deposit (not that any of this really matters, in the big picture?) ... I've been known to help him out financially here and there. Nothing consistent, but I make more than he does and, well, he's not the best with money. Anyway, were I to move out he:
1) wouldn't be able to afford the rent and misc apartment bills on his own
2) wouldn't have anything in the house except his clothes, papers and computers
3) would blow a FUSE and cry and generally ... well, I'm going to say it - ha - "make me feel" like an idiot who doesn't want what's in her best interest
That last one is what freaks me out the most. I don't want to break up, move out (because he has already said there is NO WAY he's getting another place, that if I were the one to break up, I would need to move out), and then relapse or worse.
I'm bored with the same ol, same ol. We don't DO ANYTHING. I work nights, he works days; when we're off and together, he's working on his computer stuff and I'm "doing my thing" (misc errands, reading, tidying, etc).
I do love him. I think. Rather, I feel like I SHOULD love him. There's no reason I shouldn't. He works and keeps a full time job that he loves, he's "a clean person", he's funny, sociable, non-abusive, etc. Every relationship has its problems.
I feel like it's wrong that I want to break up simply because I want to be single. Free to focus on myself and my recovery.
I feel like it's wrong that I want to break up simply because I don't want illegal drugs in my own home.
I feel like it's wrong that I want to break up because he doesn't understand my sobriety and has no desire to do anything for or about himself.
I feel like it's wrong that I want to break up because I don't have a valid reason - he's not abusive, he's not a bad person, etc.
Gah. I just want to be free. But maybe again, I'm just running from myself.
I'm sure there's plenty of holes/gaps here and that to the outsider none of this makes much logical sense. I'm going to post, re-read, hem, haw, ponder, deliberate ... maybe add an addendum if I think of anything else.
Bleck. Thanks for reading, dear ones. Sorry for all the verbal vomit, lol!
If I had to sum my relationship up in one word, it would be: lonely. Second word would be boring.
In a nutshell, as a bit of a back story, my bf and I have been together for a year. We moved in together a month after we met (long story).
I'm ten days sober. He is not.
Our relationship was founded on drinking together. I've tried to break up with him on three separate occasions to no avail (more long stories). One of my "secret" side reasons for stopping drinking was to see if he would actually, finally, break up with me (or if it would make breaking up with him easier for me).
I know I'm new to sobriety but like I mentioned in a prior thread, I feel that the desire to break up is a "preexisting condition".
I have a history of attendance in Al-Anon and am not unfamiliar with accepting alcoholics and their behavior as something I cannot fix or control. My father was an angry "high-functioning" type A personality drunk and my mother an extreme codie... before I struggled with alcohol, I went to Al-Anon as part of my recovery plan from anorexia. Anyhow (so many long stories! Trying to keep this brief and readable, lol)
I don't know how much alcohol is a problem for my bf. He can't live without it, but he doesn't get drunk now that I'm not drinking with him. He refuses to give it up (but I've not asked him to ... he is in charge of his own life, eh?) Same with weed. I don't touch the stuff but he insists on having it in our apartment. He smokes nightly. I can't stand it but try to tolerate his choices to the best of my ability (this has been a prob from the get-go with us). I greatly GREATLY dislike that he insists on participating in illegal activities, but who am I to judge? I was the "perfect" alcoholic, never drinking and driving, never touching anything illegal, etc. Pitiful really.
But anyway, He thinks I'm crazy for going sober and has been really mopey and generally weird these last ten days. I know it's all new and raw and fresh, and that change takes time... I'm not sure all this merits a post just yet but I thought I'd start something as a bit of a journal entry that I could update as time goes on.
Okay, so on to feelings...
Where to start! I want to break up. I'm lonely, even though he's here. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts (in the place where it's so hard to admit the truth), that I am the instigating factor behind all our troubles. That I am the one who is damaged, I am the one who messes things up. That he is perfect and that if I were better, we would have an incredible relationship.
He's not abusive, except verbally when he's angry, which is rare, though it does happen and it scares the living daylights out of me when it does. He's generally sweet and funny and kind and caring, but as time goes on and I change, I realize that the "kind and caring" part might just be codependence. When I was drinking, he'd give me rides to work, now I don't need them and he feels - lost. I understand that a man needs to be needed, that it bolsters his manliness, so it could just be that. Idk! He still offers me wine (I used to only drink hard alcohol and to him wine isn't alcoholic, ha!) He bugs to see if I need food, or soda, or anything - as if I were an invalid. Gosh, see, maybe I'm just overreacting, am being hypersensitive. Argh, idk. It just feels like he's on his best behavior, that he feels guilty, and that all this is some kind of calm before a storm.
I can't deny that I'm lonely though. Even when we were drinking together, I was bored and lonely. My alcoholism used him for rides and financial convenience; he wasn't intolerable to be around either. (Gosh I'm going to read this later and just want to run away from embarrassment, I'm sure. If I could only hear myself talk right now, I feel so crazy and confused by all this!) Maybe I'm just trying to create a problem where there isn't one. I have no idea. Again, my recovery is new and confusion is normal, I recognize this much; I still just need to sort out my thoughts and ... BLAH! Vent! Sorry if this is all over the place, ack.
In my prior attempts to break up, he has flat-out refused to leave as his name is on the lease too. Everything in this apartment is mine except for his clothes and computer stuff (he works IT), I even paid the full deposit (not that any of this really matters, in the big picture?) ... I've been known to help him out financially here and there. Nothing consistent, but I make more than he does and, well, he's not the best with money. Anyway, were I to move out he:
1) wouldn't be able to afford the rent and misc apartment bills on his own
2) wouldn't have anything in the house except his clothes, papers and computers
3) would blow a FUSE and cry and generally ... well, I'm going to say it - ha - "make me feel" like an idiot who doesn't want what's in her best interest
That last one is what freaks me out the most. I don't want to break up, move out (because he has already said there is NO WAY he's getting another place, that if I were the one to break up, I would need to move out), and then relapse or worse.
I'm bored with the same ol, same ol. We don't DO ANYTHING. I work nights, he works days; when we're off and together, he's working on his computer stuff and I'm "doing my thing" (misc errands, reading, tidying, etc).
I do love him. I think. Rather, I feel like I SHOULD love him. There's no reason I shouldn't. He works and keeps a full time job that he loves, he's "a clean person", he's funny, sociable, non-abusive, etc. Every relationship has its problems.
I feel like it's wrong that I want to break up simply because I want to be single. Free to focus on myself and my recovery.
I feel like it's wrong that I want to break up simply because I don't want illegal drugs in my own home.
I feel like it's wrong that I want to break up because he doesn't understand my sobriety and has no desire to do anything for or about himself.
I feel like it's wrong that I want to break up because I don't have a valid reason - he's not abusive, he's not a bad person, etc.
Gah. I just want to be free. But maybe again, I'm just running from myself.
I'm sure there's plenty of holes/gaps here and that to the outsider none of this makes much logical sense. I'm going to post, re-read, hem, haw, ponder, deliberate ... maybe add an addendum if I think of anything else.
Bleck. Thanks for reading, dear ones. Sorry for all the verbal vomit, lol!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Any reason you don't want a relationship with this person a valid, it is about what YOU want. And probably the best reason to separate (no contact) is because you're getting sober and he isn't. Are you going to meetings? Have a sponsor? Alcoholism is a life/death disease and it should be your priority. Honestly, the best thing you can do now is go to an AA meeting and get help. The support of the program is a life saver. Congratulations on ten days!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you have the RIGHT to leave a relationship for any reason, at any time. it's not a prison sentence, it's a choice. and you are only responsible for yourself (excluding any minor children of course). how HE manages is and always has been HIS problem. he's a full grown adult, supposedly.
follow your heart. protect your precious sobriety. live and be free.
follow your heart. protect your precious sobriety. live and be free.
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