letitgo

Well I am on day 5. Kind of a pissy mood. Just really overtired and drinking plenty of water. I got a but pissy with my wife and she said it was just because of my alcoholism and withdraw. The issues I brought up had merit. When she said that I felt like going on a bender in spite of her. (the little monster inside knows how to turn any situation into reason to get drunk) I just walked away cleared my head. I was very hurt by the comment because I already feel vulnerable and am trying to be clean. Ifeel low and down becaue I am the one with the problem that has caused so many other problems. She attacked the problem I was trying to work on and I became infuriated. How can I approach her about the situation and explain how I feel about her bringing that up in a non argumentative way. We are all human I said somethings I could have said in a better way. I just got really pissed off which could be withdrawal or just had a moment. Any advice would be appreciated.

sugarbear1

journal for self.....I'll journal and read it a little bit later, sometimes my answers are clear as to what I need to do.

are you working AA or another method for recovery?

letitgo

Not working any programs. I have ordered two books on panic disorders and getting clean. Also have been using the website.

sugarbear1

well, journal anyway. write yourself a letter, you'll know how to gently let her know what is up. sobriety is action, not just thinking.....

Mirage74

Hang in there, letitgo. I'm staying with family till tomorrow while I wait to move into a new place and I'm crawling up the walls. I'm on day 3 and everything they do is irritating me. I think it's normal.

Maybe what hurts so much is that there is probably some truth to her comment. Not a good enough reason to drink though! Be strong

FreeOwl

I agree with the comments about journaling.

Write a letter to your wife that you don't actually plan on sending, but write it as though you were going to.... sometimes this helps me work through all the crap that's going on for me and stand at a distance from the emotion of it. Write it out, let out the issues and the emotions. Take some time, read it from the perspective of your wife... think a while... maybe do a re-write.

Then, when some time has passed and some of the tension and frustration you feel has passed and you've really honed in on the issue, your part in it, what the core is that you're trying to communicate or ask her for; then pick a nice calm time and bring it up again in as caring a way as possible.

good luck... relationships are hard work!!

especially so when there is the damage and the specter of addiction to deal with.

DoubleBarrel

At five days, your mind is probably a big mess of things.

Try and let this one go. She might be right, you might be overreacting, or maybe she is just pissed at you for all that she has been through alongside you dealing with your addiction.

Many of our significant others have been greatly affected by our addiction, and sometimes, even unconsciously, will do things that seem to trigger us into drinking again.

Hang in there. More will be revealed.

Kaneda8888

Hey Letitgo

I think Dbarrel and Freeowl have it right. Its early days right now. Your still in the alcoholic dynamic. Just focus on getting a recovery plan, keeping healthy and staying sober. Let everything else pass over, they are of a lesser priority ar the moment. Journaling is a great idea ! Vent away in your journal. After a few months, you can revisit it and see if it still makes sense.

Stay close and calm

letitgo

Thanks again everyone. Part of my problem is bottling up my emotions and drinking them away. That only gets so far until you explode. I found a great journaling app for the phone. I feel better venting. Part of my recovery will be finding healthy ways to deal with my problems in life and emotions. I am happy that I finally had the sense of mind to realize that alcohol is only going to lead to terrible consequences. I do feel tremendous guilt for putting my family through hell. I deserve it but also will learn to cope/learn and move forward.

resolute50

letitgo,

I would let it go.
You know those little arguments and feeling of guilt will disappear in time.
One day at a time my friend.

MesaMan

At ~90 days Sober next Friday, I'm past some 'stuff' and am still volatile occasionally about some other 'stuff'. My trick is to type it out @ ~80 WPM. I write out what I'd like to say [but largely won't] as an e.mail. I take care to put no one in the e.mail 'To' Box so that there's zero chance of it ever getting sent accidentally. Then, I let it rip and save it as a 'Draft'. The nice thing is that these 'vents' are backed up and stored out on some Server; they're not in this Laptop as a Document.

A few Saturdays ago, I was really hacked off about the negative effect this Binging Gal Pal of my Wife was having on our Marriage, and on us being able to plan stuff as a Couple. She's always calling with some BS activity for just 'The Gals' to do, with drinking Wine and toking a Doob thereafter being the end game. Eff that. I just got sick of these nonstop requests having to be turned down and/or 'managed'. Generally speaking, my Wife is being supportive of me, although she's lost me as her Drinking Buddy. A resolution got hashed out later to some degree in Marital conversation.

Prior to this conversation, I must have written out 2,000 words or more. It took much of one morning, but I could feel the pissed off_ed_ness ebb away once I 'said what I had to say'. To a Server; not to my Spouse. Drugs are still an issue in all this, but not because they're in my Bloodstream anymore. That changes the dynamic and the scope of the discussion [confrontation?].

An old saying I love [paraphrased] is: 'If something today seems so important, try to remember what bothered you exactly one year ago today'. Of course, few of us can.

If/when we have an important Marital chat, I easily remember some 'key points' I wrote to myself and edited. I've gone over them in my Mind. This allows me to bring them up in a civil, 'rehearsed' manner, having written and stored them with great emotion that has since dissipated.

This gets me through the internal rough times which have greatly diminished over the weeks while shifting into Sober Gear. It's my form of a Journal.

Anna

And, try to remember that 5 days is still early in the process, and your wife is upset and frustrated, too. That said, I don't think it's okay to throw the addiction in your face in an argument, but you know that she is going through a hard time, too.

whiskeyman

If you stay on your path to discovery and recovery, you both have to be patient with each other. It is a hard process.

But dont give in to that voice

EndGameNYC

It would be helpful for both of you to bear in mind that neither of you is the only person suffering. This is a time that calls for mutual support, though getting there is often a rocky road.

You're both in the best possible position to help each other and to hurt each other. Instead of trying to "make points" in what turn into arguments, talk about your feelings, and encourage your wife to do the same.

deeker

just letitgo It will be something you will learn to do if you want to maintain your sobriety.
You will have to let many things go now. We can not afford to have resentments. Resentments are
a huge trigger for drinking. You don't have to be right . Just let it go and stay the course!

DoubleBarrel

I found that doing steps in AA helped me alleviate the guilt and shame of what I had done in my drinking days.
I didnt do them for a year, but I didn't know how to let go of some things.

Dee74

I messed up a bunch of times. When I got sober I figured I had to take my lumps.
Most times it was fair enough really.

5 days is still very early - give yourself and your wife a little time

D

flujays

If you have a problem and you drink because of it, then you have two problems. Just thought I'd share that because it's so very true. Don't us it as an excuse to pick up. Good luck, relationships are hard, especially for us alkies because our partners don't have a chance in hell of truly understanding what we go through.

PamperingMe

You identified your feelings of anger and frustration and didn't go on a bender. That's huge!
Congratulations on that. This may seem like a weird thing to congratulate you for but I know I struggle with even naming how I feel...just knowing I want it to stop.

letitgo

Thanks again. I have not been communicating with her which has caused these problems. My first goal through sobriety is to remand our family unit. We are having our second child at the end of the month and I want to be a great sober, fun loving father. Glad my wife brought that up. I am blessed she hasn't let me in the alley to whither away. Moving forward 1 day at a time.