OkJustforToday

I went two weeks without talking to my ex AGF... I thought I was ready to let her go... and then she showed up at a friend's birthday party. The start of the night was ok. She was socializing–even trying to pick up other people. I didn't notice much, I was enjoying the company of friends. She sent me a text later in the night apologizing because I had to "watch her drink." I told her I didn't need an apology and that I wouldn't be at the party if it were a problem for me. I was there for my friend and thought she could handle herself from now on.

But then she pulled me outside for a smoke–to apologize more for calling me a few choice curse words when we last spoke and for writing belligerent Facebook posts about me that all of our common friends could see. Then she told me that she got kicked out of outpatient that day. She relapsed after 3 weeks clean. I hugged her while she cried. She said she still cared about me. Said she thought about me while she was sleeping with other people... and a few other things that made me feel not so hated and betrayed. We hooked up later that night... after she met a complete stranger in a bar, did a bunch of coke with him, and invited him over her house (along with his dealer). I can't even believe the night was real. I was mostly sober, aside from two beers.

The next day we had dinner. She was more distant–we barely talked the whole time. The day after that, she told me not to contact her anymore. Again. She said she didn't remember much of the night we hooked up. At this point, I understand that she needs to focus on herself and I need to focus on me–even if that means I'm 100% out of the picture. Fine. Each day I feel closer to letting go and to being comfortable with loving detachment. But what I don't understand is why she bothered saying those things in the first place. Why apologize to me. Why try to say she still cares, only to come back two days later saying she was guilted into it. Saying she meant none of it. I did not say one word prior to her reaching out to me at the party, I was cordial and waved. Why say that being around me is too hard and will make her relapse (which she already did before we had even hooked up, mind you)? I realize this is a bit of a rant, I just feel so confused. I cannot understand, and I may be better off not trying to. Yet, at the same time, I feel calmer than I would have reacted in the past... I'm comfortable being in the moment, typing this post out. Everything is ok right this second and I'm not obsessing to the point where I will be up all night. I have this forum and many other outlets to thank for that sense of calm. I just don't like being thrown curve balls and I wish I could have had more self respect. This isn't the type of relationship I want to be in. Thanks for listening.

Ann

She is still very active in her addiction, which will lead her to feeling needy, to telling lies, to using whoever is handy to use...it's a sad state of mind to be in but that's how it is.

Trying to figure out why an active addict does what they do is futile. Please take very good care of yourself and maybe give this relationship some distance before you get drawn into her dark place.

It is sad to watch people we care about self-destruct, but standing too close takes us down with them and helps nobody.

Hugs

L0stH0pe

hi ok,

sorry i cant answer your question.. who knows what goes on in the warped mind of an active user? i doubt even THEY know why they do what they do, apart from keeping their eye on the ultimate goal.. get MORE drugs.

In saying that, i think your own recovery is starting to really shine through! Looking at your first few posts here and now looking at this one, you have made soooo much progress! You should really be proud of yourself and how you have handled this situation.
Getting all this gore out of your system, even on a board like this, is like purging and will only do you good, so rant away bottling up feelings is far worse than getting them out there, especially when you seem to have found a good balance and new clarity for yourself.

She will likely come and go if YOU allow her to... maybe you are not quite ready to completely let this girl go or still feel you can help in some way, but i think you have covered enough ground now to see this for what it is.

Keep looking after yourself, keep your boundaries in place and keep your own inner peace.. i think your coping methods are so much more healthy now than they were just a couple of weeks ago.. and yes, i am amazed at my OWN change and my own recovery once we put our minds, hearts and energy into ourselves it becomes almost enjoyable to grow and learn to find out who we are and what we like

FeelingGreat

Hi OK, this is a classic power play from an abuser or controller. Drive someone away, after a while test your powers by pulling them back in, once you're satisfied they're yours, drive them away. Repeat for as long as your victim will fall for it.

The best way to break the cycle is don't play.

interrupted

This behavior made you feel *good* about things? This sounds like a nightmare to me. How bad must it be if her sleeping with other people but thinking of you is the high point of your relationship? Just trying to add a little perspective to the situation; much like the frog in the slowly heating pot of water, it can be easy to excuse terrible behavior when it has become our new normal.

Nothing about this night sounds even remotely healthy. You deserve better than this.

AnvilheadII

so wait...you hooked up LATER that night...you mean AFTER she hooked up with some stranger at a bar who had coke and then brought him AND his dealer back to her place??? and did what people on coke do? AFTER that you went to her place?

wow.

it would do you good to continue to take more time AWAY from this person and the "relationship" til you can get some good perspective on just how twisted it all was. and what you were willing to put up with from her. by the way, being told she thought about YOU while having sex with others is NOT a compliment! take anything that comes out of her mouth with a grain of salt....it's all babble from a messed up mind.

OkJustforToday

Hi all, I sincerely appreciate your thoughtful responses and bluntness! It's always nice to hear other perspectives and get out of my own head regarding the situation. I was thinking yesterday about how I felt "safe" laying next to her the morning after we hooked up... but then realized that I was not remotely "safe" in that situation–especially with strangers doing coke and a dealer providing the seemingly endless supply of it just hours before.

To what you were saying Anvil, I "slept" in the other room while they "partied" [she didn't sleep with them... perhaps that was bad phrasing on my part in the first post] and I woke up when she came to bed after hanging out. I actually feel rather disgusted by the whole thing. While I was trying to sleep I could hear her explaining to them how she was going to shoot up the coke instead of just snorting it... she walked them through the IV process. I felt so numb to it all and stayed anyway. I like what Interrupted said: "it can be easy to excuse terrible behavior when it has become our new normal."

I also appreciate the way you phrased a need for distance, Feeling Great: "The best way to break the cycle is don't play." I hope I find the strength to do that. What worries me most is that... if I really didn't want to be in that situation, I would have left. It scares me that I wanted to be there in the first place, and it scares me that being treated this way has be come the new normal of sorts... Not healthy.

jjj111

Sometimes it's easier to nip a situation in the bud than to make your escape after people are shooting up in the other room. Maybe you can think about how you will say no next time she tries to suck you back in? Please remember that IV drug use puts people at risk for a lot of scary communicable illnesses.

Firefall

OK, what do you get from the relationship that it would so entice you to compromise yourself? I am not judging, but really want to understand, I am naturally curious about what I don't understand.

FeelingGreat

Please don't beat yourself up about this bit OK; it's very hard to find the momentum to leave a situation when you're caught in the middle as many people will attest.
For the future, now you know the score, do everything you can not to get into a similar situation.
If you go non contact with your ex, and I hope you will, expect her to approach you at some point if she needs something. This is the time when you will need to be strongest because she'll be at her most appealing.

hopeful4

She sounds toxic to herself and to you too.

OkJustforToday

Thanks again for your input, all! To answer your question Firefall, I wish I could pin that down exactly (though it's probably more telling that I can't).

At times, I thought I got to spend time with the most beautiful, funny and intelligent woman I know... and at other times I thought I could be the type of person who wouldn't abandon her, because I know how that feels and she's had it enough. I got a thrill from care-taking too, trying to anticipate her needs at all times. (Little did I know–you cannot anticipate someone's needs (almost always), especially if they don't know their own.) I was a reflection of a person.

What do I get from the relationship now? Well, I still love her and think she's the most beautiful/funny/intelligent woman I know... but I also don't want to put myself in those situations again. She tried to blackmail me today after I said no for probably the first time ever yesterday. Despite being a small threat, it really confirmed that things are just getting worse. I wish her the best, but I'm sticking with the same "no" and will be on my own path.

Firefall

Sometimes the fantasy of what "could be" is so alluring. Find someone who is beautiful inside because they will remain beautiful forever. The fantasy will wither and die all that will be left is what was hidden under the wrapping paper, lumps of ugly coal.