OkJustforToday

I went two weeks without talking to my ex AGF... I thought I was ready to let her go... and then she showed up at a friend's birthday party. The start of the night was ok. She was socializing–even trying to pick up other people. I didn't notice much, I was enjoying the company of friends. She sent me a text later in the night apologizing because I had to "watch her drink." I told her I didn't need an apology and that I wouldn't be at the party if it were a problem for me. I was there for my friend and thought she could handle herself from now on.

But then she pulled me outside for a smoke–to apologize more for calling me a few choice curse words when we last spoke and for writing belligerent Facebook posts about me that all of our common friends could see. Then she told me that she got kicked out of outpatient that day. She relapsed after 3 weeks clean. I hugged her while she cried. She said she still cared about me. Said she thought about me while she was sleeping with other people... and a few other things that made me feel not so hated and betrayed. We hooked up later that night... after she met a complete stranger in a bar, did a bunch of coke with him, and invited him over her house (along with his dealer). I can't even believe the night was real. I was mostly sober, aside from two beers.

The next day we had dinner. She was more distant–we barely talked the whole time. The day after that, she told me not to contact her anymore. Again. She said she didn't remember much of the night we hooked up. At this point, I understand that she needs to focus on herself and I need to focus on me–even if that means I'm 100% out of the picture. Fine. Each day I feel closer to letting go and to being comfortable with loving detachment. But what I don't understand is why she bothered saying those things in the first place. Why apologize to me. Why try to say she still cares, only to come back two days later saying she was guilted into it. Saying she meant none of it. I did not say one word prior to her reaching out to me at the party, I was cordial and waved. Why say that being around me is too hard and will make her relapse (which she already did before we had even hooked up, mind you)? I realize this is a bit of a rant, I just feel so confused. I cannot understand, and I may be better off not trying to. Yet, at the same time, I feel calmer than I would have reacted in the past... I'm comfortable being in the moment, typing this post out. Everything is ok right this second and I'm not obsessing to the point where I will be up all night. I have this forum and many other outlets to thank for that sense of calm. I just don't like being thrown curve balls and I wish I could have had more self respect. This isn't the type of relationship I want to be in. Thanks for listening.