New here. Struggling.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 18
New here. Struggling.
Hi everyone
New here. Just to introduce myself a little...
I have been relying heavily on alcohol and drugs (mainly alcohol) for 17 years. I have tried to quit many times.
Started drinking young. Tried AA at 19. Lost everything at 23: job, house, partner, friends, family. Did the jail thing. I stopped using drugs for a while, but still drank. I'm 29 now & on the brink of losing everything all over again. I am so sad and sick of this life.
On a positive note (I suppose), I admitted "I'm an alcoholic" out loud to another person for the first time ever today.
Thanks for listening. Glad to find this site.
Jaye
New here. Just to introduce myself a little...
I have been relying heavily on alcohol and drugs (mainly alcohol) for 17 years. I have tried to quit many times.
Started drinking young. Tried AA at 19. Lost everything at 23: job, house, partner, friends, family. Did the jail thing. I stopped using drugs for a while, but still drank. I'm 29 now & on the brink of losing everything all over again. I am so sad and sick of this life.
On a positive note (I suppose), I admitted "I'm an alcoholic" out loud to another person for the first time ever today.
Thanks for listening. Glad to find this site.
Jaye
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Welcome to SR! You will find great support from understanding people here.
Admitting you are Alcoholic is a huge step, the biggest towards recovery.
Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and nope it's not a train.
Make a plan, follow trough and post post post here
Admitting you are Alcoholic is a huge step, the biggest towards recovery.
Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and nope it's not a train.
Make a plan, follow trough and post post post here
You'll find lots of support here. I hope our support can help you stop drinking for good. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 18
Thanks all for the welcome & support.
I am trying to find help. I have started to see my Dr. She has prescribed valium to help me detox safely from the alcohol. I had DTs / seizures when I tried to quit cold turkey once. She wants to see me often to make sure I am safe.
She believes I have underlying, undiagnosed anxiety and depression, which causes me to self-medicate with drugs/alcohol. So she has also put me on antidepressants.
Because of my stupid addict brain, I have started to abuse the valium. It makes me numb (& to 'not feel' is ultimately what I want from drink & drugs).
I am drinking less, so, in that respect, it is working. But, even with the valium, withdrawals suck. I am up now at 4:15 am, sweating, shaking, already taken zopiclone for sleep (also prescribed) but I cannot sleep. I take codeine for the pain, feel sick, want a drink but don't want a drink.
I'd normally drink all day til I blacked out/passed out - isn't good sleep, but at least I slept.
For whatever reason, I have not started the antidepressants yet. I don't want more stuff I can abuse/get addicted to, I guess. Plus, Dr said they will take a while to work & they will make me feel worse before they make me feel better. Don't think I can handle worse!
Ugh. It just feels like a never-ending cycle. I am really ashamed to have lost control over my life so badly.
I have been referred to an addictions counsellor. Still waiting to hear when my first appointment is. The thought of "talking" terrifies me. I don't do that; I internalise everything. Rehab is an option. The thought of that terrifies me more.
Living a clean and sober (healthy) life...that is what I want. I also don't know what that is like (been using/drinking for over half my life)...so I am terrified of that, too.
I am trying to stay determined. Sometimes I want a sobriety date, like, yesterday. Other times, I just want what I 'know'. Emotionally, I am all over the place.
I think I am taking (baby) steps in the right direction(?). I don't know if that all constitutes a "plan", but I am trying.
I am sorry to ramble on and on and on...I am so lost right now. Thank you for listening and for your support & kind welcome. I do appreciate it.
Jaye
I am trying to find help. I have started to see my Dr. She has prescribed valium to help me detox safely from the alcohol. I had DTs / seizures when I tried to quit cold turkey once. She wants to see me often to make sure I am safe.
She believes I have underlying, undiagnosed anxiety and depression, which causes me to self-medicate with drugs/alcohol. So she has also put me on antidepressants.
Because of my stupid addict brain, I have started to abuse the valium. It makes me numb (& to 'not feel' is ultimately what I want from drink & drugs).
I am drinking less, so, in that respect, it is working. But, even with the valium, withdrawals suck. I am up now at 4:15 am, sweating, shaking, already taken zopiclone for sleep (also prescribed) but I cannot sleep. I take codeine for the pain, feel sick, want a drink but don't want a drink.
I'd normally drink all day til I blacked out/passed out - isn't good sleep, but at least I slept.
For whatever reason, I have not started the antidepressants yet. I don't want more stuff I can abuse/get addicted to, I guess. Plus, Dr said they will take a while to work & they will make me feel worse before they make me feel better. Don't think I can handle worse!
Ugh. It just feels like a never-ending cycle. I am really ashamed to have lost control over my life so badly.
I have been referred to an addictions counsellor. Still waiting to hear when my first appointment is. The thought of "talking" terrifies me. I don't do that; I internalise everything. Rehab is an option. The thought of that terrifies me more.
Living a clean and sober (healthy) life...that is what I want. I also don't know what that is like (been using/drinking for over half my life)...so I am terrified of that, too.
I am trying to stay determined. Sometimes I want a sobriety date, like, yesterday. Other times, I just want what I 'know'. Emotionally, I am all over the place.
I think I am taking (baby) steps in the right direction(?). I don't know if that all constitutes a "plan", but I am trying.
I am sorry to ramble on and on and on...I am so lost right now. Thank you for listening and for your support & kind welcome. I do appreciate it.
Jaye
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 38
One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. It will get better little by little. Hang in there. And thank you for your post, it reminded me of myself in the beginning. I'm only 56 days sober, but I already feel so far away from that last hang over. So easy to forget the grief I've cause myself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi Jaye
Mixing benzoes and alcohol is pretty dangerous stuff - perhaps she meant to take them after you've stopped drinking to help with the anxiety of withdrawal?
If you're not sure on that, I'd certainly ask her.
As for the anti-ds - I've never found an addictive one. They just level me out they don't make me high or make me want to take more.
Again if you're unsure check again with your Dr and voice those concerns
They do take a little while to kick in tho - and they will tend not to work at all if you're drinking.
I know it's terrifying to take that leap into full sobriety...but many of us here have taken it before you - you'll be ok - and you're not alone
D
Mixing benzoes and alcohol is pretty dangerous stuff - perhaps she meant to take them after you've stopped drinking to help with the anxiety of withdrawal?
If you're not sure on that, I'd certainly ask her.
As for the anti-ds - I've never found an addictive one. They just level me out they don't make me high or make me want to take more.
Again if you're unsure check again with your Dr and voice those concerns
They do take a little while to kick in tho - and they will tend not to work at all if you're drinking.
I know it's terrifying to take that leap into full sobriety...but many of us here have taken it before you - you'll be ok - and you're not alone
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi Jaye
Mixing benzoes and alcohol is pretty dangerous stuff - perhaps she meant to take them after you've stopped drinking to help with the anxiety of withdrawal?
If you're not sure on that, I'd certainly ask her.
As for the anti-ds - I've never found an addictive one. They just level me out they don't make me high or make me want to take more.
Again if you're unsure check again with your Dr and voice those concerns
They do take a little while to kick in tho - and they will tend not to work at all if you're drinking.
I know it's terrifying to take that leap into full sobriety...but many of us here have taken it before you - you'll be ok - and you're not alone
D
Mixing benzoes and alcohol is pretty dangerous stuff - perhaps she meant to take them after you've stopped drinking to help with the anxiety of withdrawal?
If you're not sure on that, I'd certainly ask her.
As for the anti-ds - I've never found an addictive one. They just level me out they don't make me high or make me want to take more.
Again if you're unsure check again with your Dr and voice those concerns
They do take a little while to kick in tho - and they will tend not to work at all if you're drinking.
I know it's terrifying to take that leap into full sobriety...but many of us here have taken it before you - you'll be ok - and you're not alone
D
I got my first trip to jail in 35 years over that one.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 18
Thanks so much, you guys.
I will take your advice and get clarity on what I'm supposed to be taking and when. Wow - stopping drinking altogether NOW & using the valium alone for withdrawals seems daunting!
I am in such a mental fog that maybe I've confused things. I do like the valium (makes me numb, as I said). But Dr won't have meant me to be doing anything harmful, I'm sure. The opposite. I just don't want seizures again. Everything is so clouded up in my brain & so much prescribed/happening at once, maybe I've misunderstood. I see Dr very regularly - next time this coming Monday. I will ask for clarification.
Dee, thanks for sharing your experience about antidepressants. I have never been on then before so don't know what to expect. If it's something I can't abuse, I should be fine with them. I think I'm supposed to be on them already (but will wait to check on Monday, just to be sure).
Thank you for the welcome and support, guys. You are really helping.
Jaye
I will take your advice and get clarity on what I'm supposed to be taking and when. Wow - stopping drinking altogether NOW & using the valium alone for withdrawals seems daunting!
I am in such a mental fog that maybe I've confused things. I do like the valium (makes me numb, as I said). But Dr won't have meant me to be doing anything harmful, I'm sure. The opposite. I just don't want seizures again. Everything is so clouded up in my brain & so much prescribed/happening at once, maybe I've misunderstood. I see Dr very regularly - next time this coming Monday. I will ask for clarification.
Dee, thanks for sharing your experience about antidepressants. I have never been on then before so don't know what to expect. If it's something I can't abuse, I should be fine with them. I think I'm supposed to be on them already (but will wait to check on Monday, just to be sure).
Thank you for the welcome and support, guys. You are really helping.
Jaye
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I haven't had a wide experience with anti-d's myself.
I took some in my 20s (twentymumble years ago) when I was all messed up - they did nothing because I was either drunk or high or both.
I've been on others now for about a year for nerve pain - no side affects apart from a dry mouth sometimes - and I certainly don't find myself longing to take one
I'm no Dr tho
If you think you have confused things in any sense, it's probably best to phone your Dr and make sure
D
I took some in my 20s (twentymumble years ago) when I was all messed up - they did nothing because I was either drunk or high or both.
I've been on others now for about a year for nerve pain - no side affects apart from a dry mouth sometimes - and I certainly don't find myself longing to take one
I'm no Dr tho
If you think you have confused things in any sense, it's probably best to phone your Dr and make sure
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: san mateo, ca.
Posts: 80
Hi Jaye! As A7X would say, "Welcome to the family "! You'll find some helpful stuff here on SR! Lot of good peeps! Lots of different situations that we're going through! Don't hesitate to ask any questions or say what your feeling ...keep posting! Let us help in any way possible!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 18
Hi all
Having a mixed-up day today. Some good, some bad. I have not had a drink in … almost 24 hours, I think (yay). Have taken the valium to help with the shakes/anxiety, but I feel really awful. I definitely will bring this up with my doctor tomorrow. Maybe a detox facility would be best after all because I don’t feel like I’m coping well with this on my own. I don’t remember being in this much AGONY last time I quit…it’s like even my blood hurts. I did not sleep well at all last night.
My partner works nights, so I drink “secretly” in the day whilst he is asleep (so that he’d never notice I’ve had a drink when he wakes up…or so I choose to believe). But then, after he has left for work, I am Gung Ho about drinking as much and as quickly as possible until I black out, pass out/sleep.
My partner was not in work yesterday, which is, I think, why I did not drink. I have told him how bad I am, but I don’t want him to see it, in case he is as ashamed of me as I am. He’s in work tonight, though, so I want a drink really badly. But, at the same time, do not want to throw away what has been (for me) a bit of an achievement.
I am almost frightened of what it will be like to be completely clean / sober – does that make sense?
Just being able to say what’s on my mind is helpful. It's so great to be able to have somewhere to go where people actually understand. Thanks for your support – and a fellow welcome to recent new members who have posted here in this thread.
Thanks for listening.
Jaye
Having a mixed-up day today. Some good, some bad. I have not had a drink in … almost 24 hours, I think (yay). Have taken the valium to help with the shakes/anxiety, but I feel really awful. I definitely will bring this up with my doctor tomorrow. Maybe a detox facility would be best after all because I don’t feel like I’m coping well with this on my own. I don’t remember being in this much AGONY last time I quit…it’s like even my blood hurts. I did not sleep well at all last night.
My partner works nights, so I drink “secretly” in the day whilst he is asleep (so that he’d never notice I’ve had a drink when he wakes up…or so I choose to believe). But then, after he has left for work, I am Gung Ho about drinking as much and as quickly as possible until I black out, pass out/sleep.
My partner was not in work yesterday, which is, I think, why I did not drink. I have told him how bad I am, but I don’t want him to see it, in case he is as ashamed of me as I am. He’s in work tonight, though, so I want a drink really badly. But, at the same time, do not want to throw away what has been (for me) a bit of an achievement.
I am almost frightened of what it will be like to be completely clean / sober – does that make sense?
Just being able to say what’s on my mind is helpful. It's so great to be able to have somewhere to go where people actually understand. Thanks for your support – and a fellow welcome to recent new members who have posted here in this thread.
Thanks for listening.
Jaye
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 18
Day Two Update
Day two (almost) down ... but it had been a real struggle today.
Having consulted Dr this morning, I am taking everything 'correctly', now that I have actually stopped drinking. I don't feel well at all. Shaking, but BRAIN FOG and amnesia is making things difficult to get anything done. Depressed and anxious. Can't sleep.
In a way, I am glad I lost my job recently (because of drinking, of course), because at least I can focus on getting better.
There is still alcohol in my house. I asked my partner to get rid of it for me before he went to work tonight (I don't want to go near it) but I guess he forgot. It is calling me, calling me, calling me...I would pour it out myself, but if I touch it, I will drink it. I know that sounds weak.
I don't know what is keeping me going, really. I read the posts here and want the same strength many of you have. I want to "know" (or believe) I won't drink tomorrow.
I would like to go to an AA meeting, but I am too afraid / anxious right now. However, I have been listening to AA speakers online (you can find some on YouTube) and they are very inspirational. AA did not work for me in the past (but I know that was my fault).
Still waiting to hear about the counsellor appointment ... I am so ready for that now. I really felt like I was clinging onto the end of a rope today, trying not to fall. I just hope tomorrow is not as difficult or I can't see this lasting much longer.
Thanks for listening.
Jaye
Having consulted Dr this morning, I am taking everything 'correctly', now that I have actually stopped drinking. I don't feel well at all. Shaking, but BRAIN FOG and amnesia is making things difficult to get anything done. Depressed and anxious. Can't sleep.
In a way, I am glad I lost my job recently (because of drinking, of course), because at least I can focus on getting better.
There is still alcohol in my house. I asked my partner to get rid of it for me before he went to work tonight (I don't want to go near it) but I guess he forgot. It is calling me, calling me, calling me...I would pour it out myself, but if I touch it, I will drink it. I know that sounds weak.
I don't know what is keeping me going, really. I read the posts here and want the same strength many of you have. I want to "know" (or believe) I won't drink tomorrow.
I would like to go to an AA meeting, but I am too afraid / anxious right now. However, I have been listening to AA speakers online (you can find some on YouTube) and they are very inspirational. AA did not work for me in the past (but I know that was my fault).
Still waiting to hear about the counsellor appointment ... I am so ready for that now. I really felt like I was clinging onto the end of a rope today, trying not to fall. I just hope tomorrow is not as difficult or I can't see this lasting much longer.
Thanks for listening.
Jaye
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 643
Hi Jaye, you are doing so well making it through day 2. You should be really proud of yourself.
I suggest maybe listening to a guided meditation to help you relax. Just close your eyes and listen. If you google "guided healing meditation" you will find a lot through YouTube. Believe me I have played some of them over and over all night long just to drown out those damaging thoughts of drinking in my head. Hang in there, you have a lot of support here without judgement x
I suggest maybe listening to a guided meditation to help you relax. Just close your eyes and listen. If you google "guided healing meditation" you will find a lot through YouTube. Believe me I have played some of them over and over all night long just to drown out those damaging thoughts of drinking in my head. Hang in there, you have a lot of support here without judgement x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
Plus, Dr said they will take a while to work & they will make me feel worse before they make me feel better. Don't think I can handle worse!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 18
Thanks Gold, I am proud of myself, sure ... it is a real achievement for me. I am just trying to focus on everything in the present moment and keep busy. I truly CAN'T BELIEVE I didn't drink tonight. I think I had even decided to, but somehow crawled into bed under the covers with music instead, lol.
ClearLight, my Dr did say that they might take 2-4 weeks to come into effect (unless I'm drinking), but that they would probably make me feel worse before feeling better. I am taking sertraline (Zoloft). When I went to Dr, I was really down and depressed, almost suicidal - maybe she was just warning me that it's not an "overnight" fix.
Thanks for input guys. =)
Jaye
ClearLight, my Dr did say that they might take 2-4 weeks to come into effect (unless I'm drinking), but that they would probably make me feel worse before feeling better. I am taking sertraline (Zoloft). When I went to Dr, I was really down and depressed, almost suicidal - maybe she was just warning me that it's not an "overnight" fix.
Thanks for input guys. =)
Jaye
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