He's been at this for years...
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
He's been at this for years...
Hi there,
So as I'm thinking that my exAbf has smoked/used since teenage years & he's in his late 30's ... He probably wont change. I know telling his family to send him to rehab is a no no because they know what he is & the genetic factor to addiction, got it from his father. He drinks & uses to numb feelings so he doesn't have to face them. Yet, when he drank drank around me, all his psychosis came out. Can I ask you friends a question ? Is drug addiction hereditary as drinking is? I still pissed & thank God, not crying over him... I never will again. Peace & love to all, your thoughts. And to anyone wondering if they should let their A back in their lives... My answer would be NO. We all deserve better. Love doesn't hurt & it shouldn't hurt. I'm leading love & relationships should make us feel good, not stuck & sad because of their addiction.
So as I'm thinking that my exAbf has smoked/used since teenage years & he's in his late 30's ... He probably wont change. I know telling his family to send him to rehab is a no no because they know what he is & the genetic factor to addiction, got it from his father. He drinks & uses to numb feelings so he doesn't have to face them. Yet, when he drank drank around me, all his psychosis came out. Can I ask you friends a question ? Is drug addiction hereditary as drinking is? I still pissed & thank God, not crying over him... I never will again. Peace & love to all, your thoughts. And to anyone wondering if they should let their A back in their lives... My answer would be NO. We all deserve better. Love doesn't hurt & it shouldn't hurt. I'm leading love & relationships should make us feel good, not stuck & sad because of their addiction.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Hi Bernadette, the genetic vs upbringing debate has been around for years. If some substance like tobacco is inherently physically addictive then IMO genetics has less of a part to play. I think that might apply to some drugs as well. But inherited mental illness or instability might lead to using as a way of self medicating.
Alcohol is a slightly different as it's been integrated into society, and the majority never get addicted. So my guess is that alcoholics do have a strong genetic underpinning. But it doesn't have to be one or the other. Like many things, it's probably a lot more subtle.
I've always thought that no matter what your genetic make-up a strong loving upbringing can help you make the right decisions.
Sorry to get all theoretical on you, when you probably wanted to process your latest thoughts about your XBF. Congratulations realising all your wishing couldn't change him moving on with your own life.
Alcohol is a slightly different as it's been integrated into society, and the majority never get addicted. So my guess is that alcoholics do have a strong genetic underpinning. But it doesn't have to be one or the other. Like many things, it's probably a lot more subtle.
I've always thought that no matter what your genetic make-up a strong loving upbringing can help you make the right decisions.
Sorry to get all theoretical on you, when you probably wanted to process your latest thoughts about your XBF. Congratulations realising all your wishing couldn't change him moving on with your own life.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Hi Feeling Great,
Thank you very much for the compliment. I'm grateful. Please don't be sorry for the theoretical words. I was looking for that, I appreciate it very much. And i understand what you're saying. Since addiction is a disease obviously, the science helps me compartmentalize my feelings of being pissed or hurt. Thank you again. I never thought that I could feel disgusted without the "heart bleeding" feeling. Thank GOD! Have a blessed day. Bernadette777
Thank you very much for the compliment. I'm grateful. Please don't be sorry for the theoretical words. I was looking for that, I appreciate it very much. And i understand what you're saying. Since addiction is a disease obviously, the science helps me compartmentalize my feelings of being pissed or hurt. Thank you again. I never thought that I could feel disgusted without the "heart bleeding" feeling. Thank GOD! Have a blessed day. Bernadette777
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: West Midlands
Posts: 135
This is a very fascinating topic and one ive been looking into for quite some time.. it goes along with the nature vs nurture debate in childhood development.
I can say this from personal experience:
A lot of members of my mother's family were/are alcoholics, my sister is an alcoholic, i HATE all forms of alcohol/drugs.. yes, i did have a stint of drinking/doing E/smoking weed when i was in uni, but i soon realised that it wasnt for "me" and i just left it all behind and have never looked back. My sister goes through fads and phases of being sober, then being active alcoholic, then getting sober again.. she is 18 yrs older than i am and currently she is in a drinking phase. Ive not had contact with my sister for nearly 20 years now, so i dont really know her, but my mother speaks of her as they still live in the same town but rarely have contact, esp not when my sister is on a drinking spree.
AH, his father is a well known functioning alcoholic in his home town, his brother is a well known drug taker who is now a paranoid schizophrenic due to severe drug abuse. AH has been taking drugs/drinking since he left for uni age 18 and has actively used since then, this is the first time he is making a real effort to get clean and stay clean. AH has been there done that with it all, speed, coke, weed, alcohol, crack, opiates, lsd, e, if its a drug, hell have had it, done it to excess and moved on to the next thing. He is officially classed as a Poly Addict and treated as such.
MIL firmly blames her boys' problems on their genetics and her xh, the boys' father. I think it is a mixture of both, internal and external factors.
In my sisters and my case, how come only one of us has inherited the addictive gene, in my mother's family, how come it was only the males who were alcoholics? maybe there is something in that... which genetic code is past on to us? my sister may have gotten a heftier dose of the male side of my mother's genetic makeup than I, or, my mum says i take more after my dad, maybe my genetic makeup was more influenced by my dad's side? He and i both have blue eyes, my mother and sister have brown eyes.. my sister is like a spitting image of my mum, i take after my dad in stature and appearance.
My AH and his brother both look very similar and are said to both take after their dad, it would almost be a fascinating consideration if one had taken more after MIL than the other and how that may or may not have changed their addictive patterns.
I can say this from personal experience:
A lot of members of my mother's family were/are alcoholics, my sister is an alcoholic, i HATE all forms of alcohol/drugs.. yes, i did have a stint of drinking/doing E/smoking weed when i was in uni, but i soon realised that it wasnt for "me" and i just left it all behind and have never looked back. My sister goes through fads and phases of being sober, then being active alcoholic, then getting sober again.. she is 18 yrs older than i am and currently she is in a drinking phase. Ive not had contact with my sister for nearly 20 years now, so i dont really know her, but my mother speaks of her as they still live in the same town but rarely have contact, esp not when my sister is on a drinking spree.
AH, his father is a well known functioning alcoholic in his home town, his brother is a well known drug taker who is now a paranoid schizophrenic due to severe drug abuse. AH has been taking drugs/drinking since he left for uni age 18 and has actively used since then, this is the first time he is making a real effort to get clean and stay clean. AH has been there done that with it all, speed, coke, weed, alcohol, crack, opiates, lsd, e, if its a drug, hell have had it, done it to excess and moved on to the next thing. He is officially classed as a Poly Addict and treated as such.
MIL firmly blames her boys' problems on their genetics and her xh, the boys' father. I think it is a mixture of both, internal and external factors.
In my sisters and my case, how come only one of us has inherited the addictive gene, in my mother's family, how come it was only the males who were alcoholics? maybe there is something in that... which genetic code is past on to us? my sister may have gotten a heftier dose of the male side of my mother's genetic makeup than I, or, my mum says i take more after my dad, maybe my genetic makeup was more influenced by my dad's side? He and i both have blue eyes, my mother and sister have brown eyes.. my sister is like a spitting image of my mum, i take after my dad in stature and appearance.
My AH and his brother both look very similar and are said to both take after their dad, it would almost be a fascinating consideration if one had taken more after MIL than the other and how that may or may not have changed their addictive patterns.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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I was in a similar situation with my exabf as well. He got into drugs in high school and now in his late 30s, with multiple stints in rehab, over doses and life support, as well as prison in the past, he has been unable to successfully recover. And i have had to accept that at this point in his life, he probably never will.
His paternal grandparents were alcoholics, his father was a high functioning alcoholic, and he and his sister are drug addicts. I think the addiction changes through generations due to what is available now vs what was available in generations past.
I also believe that addiction in itself is inherent but that more often than not the addiction is created to self medicate for a mental illness. That's why many rehab centers offer help for co-current addiction and mental disorders.
I am not passed the tears yet for my ex. The relapse and losing him is too fresh and new. But I know that time heals all and you're so very right. Love isn't supposed to hurt and we deserve a love that is healthy, nurturing, supportive. Not a love that will force us to our knees.
Sadness for the man I love and lost, prayers for the addict he has chosen to become again, and time for my broken heart. And life goes on.
His paternal grandparents were alcoholics, his father was a high functioning alcoholic, and he and his sister are drug addicts. I think the addiction changes through generations due to what is available now vs what was available in generations past.
I also believe that addiction in itself is inherent but that more often than not the addiction is created to self medicate for a mental illness. That's why many rehab centers offer help for co-current addiction and mental disorders.
I am not passed the tears yet for my ex. The relapse and losing him is too fresh and new. But I know that time heals all and you're so very right. Love isn't supposed to hurt and we deserve a love that is healthy, nurturing, supportive. Not a love that will force us to our knees.
Sadness for the man I love and lost, prayers for the addict he has chosen to become again, and time for my broken heart. And life goes on.
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I also believe that addiction in itself is inherent but that more often than not the addiction is created to self medicate for a mental illness.
I agree edenchai. I'm not even sure it's mental illness that can all be solved with another drug. As my son faces sensory disorders.... I also ask myself... why? Why was I withdrawn, depressed.... anxious.. uncomfortable? WHy was highschool torturous for me and not fun? Why was making friends difficult? WHy was I so hyper sensitive? I'm starting to think that I also had/have sensory issues that could have been solved with behavioral therapy.
Like - when we seek recovery - we re-design our life... so we can live easier. More peaceful. It became easier for me as I grew older and when I was able to get into my own place.. because I could have peace. I didn't have to hear the arguing and drama. I was able to change my enviornment and build my inner strength and get enough of that strength to commit to never using again.
I agree edenchai. I'm not even sure it's mental illness that can all be solved with another drug. As my son faces sensory disorders.... I also ask myself... why? Why was I withdrawn, depressed.... anxious.. uncomfortable? WHy was highschool torturous for me and not fun? Why was making friends difficult? WHy was I so hyper sensitive? I'm starting to think that I also had/have sensory issues that could have been solved with behavioral therapy.
Like - when we seek recovery - we re-design our life... so we can live easier. More peaceful. It became easier for me as I grew older and when I was able to get into my own place.. because I could have peace. I didn't have to hear the arguing and drama. I was able to change my enviornment and build my inner strength and get enough of that strength to commit to never using again.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hi gang,
Just wanted to say thank you all for responding to my post. It helped me further understand the exAbf/user that I used to call my boyfriend. I'm learning that once you get tired of being strung along & brushed off enough for drinks & drugs - no matter how much I may have loved him...detachment is a new & welcomed friend. I pray you all have a blessed day. Thanks for listening & responding so eloquently - it made me realize to listen to my gut more & trust myself more. Big hugs to you all. Bernadette777
Just wanted to say thank you all for responding to my post. It helped me further understand the exAbf/user that I used to call my boyfriend. I'm learning that once you get tired of being strung along & brushed off enough for drinks & drugs - no matter how much I may have loved him...detachment is a new & welcomed friend. I pray you all have a blessed day. Thanks for listening & responding so eloquently - it made me realize to listen to my gut more & trust myself more. Big hugs to you all. Bernadette777
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