bonesofhope

It has been a really long time since I posted anything here, visited the site, even thought about giving up again. I just went back into oblivion.

I haven't been to university really for the past two months and guess I had some kind of mental breakdown, I stopped sleeping entirely (unless I got blackout drunk) and became a shaking, crying wreck. I got caught back up in the cycle of drinking, laying in bed hating myself, so hungover I couldn't move without throwing up, drinking to make the hangover go away. I spent two weeks in bed without getting dressed or washed other than to go out and get drunk.

I am now in counselling and on anti-depressant medication and I know that for this to work I have to be sober. But I just can't seem to give up for good. My longest record (and I have known I have a drink problem for about 6/7 years now) is 50 days. I want to try AA but I am scared I will recognise someone, but I also know I can't do it alone, it just doesn't work. I have tried to give up so many times and sometimes I feel so positive about it, but now I just feel like it's in my blood, I can't get away from it. My grand dad and great aunt died from alcohol related diseases and there are many more living family members that just say it's the irish blood, they just like a drink, but really they're functioning alcoholics. I feel like I have stopped functioning, I can't pretend anymore.

I don't know how to interact with other people without alcohol, I am shy and boring. I had a dream last night that I died and nobody cared. I am sorry to ramble on here about it but drinking makes my brain quiet and I don't know who to talk to. I try to tell people I can't stop after one drink and they just say it's fine, I'm young, we all drink. But I have ruined relationships, my degree, fallen head first in front of a taxi and almost gotten run over, woken up massively bruised with no idea how, embarrassed myself, offended people, look like crap, put on loads of weight, my teeth are getting ruined, why isn't any of it enough to stop me for good?

KateL

Welcome back. You sound like you want to stay sober and I hope you can. Counselling is good. Please go back to your education when you feel better. I know I sound like a mum but it's so important. Good luck xxxxxx

doggonecarl

Glad you are back giving it a try.

And drinking made your what? Suave and debonair? Not if you are falling in the street, drunk.

Nothing wrong with shy and boring. Sounds safe and a good foundation upon which to build sobriety. Plenty of shy and boring people getting sober through AA. Give a try.

Sobriety will make more exciting than your realize.

bonesofhope

One or two made me relaxed and chatty. And then yes, I was falling down in the street, disgusting. I feel like when I am sat there sober with new people, inside my brain is screaming SAY SOMETHING, SAY ANYTHING and I have nothing, I can't get the words out, I am dull as dishwater. But then this is probably also exacerbated by the anxiety that alcohol makes me feel.

Thank you for your support.

bonesofhope

Thank you for your support. I have a doctors note for severe depression so they have been good about me taking time off, though I need to get my act together quickly before the summer if I want to pass my second year. Hopefully the counselling will help combined with sobriety. x

huntingtontx

I am glad you are trying again. As long as you have breath never give up. As far as boring. Hmmmm......It is not your job to entertain people. If you are sober you can do the things you need, like school, job, have money etc. Little by little you will become more sure of yourself. I am glad you are reaching out. As far as AA..Who cares if they know you, you know them too. You have something in common. You both want to be sober. I know you can do this. NEVER give up.