9 years clean but still lost
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 5
9 years clean but still lost
I thought I was good but still not happy with life . Work is good kids are good wife I thought was good but she's not happy . She wants to start talking about the past . Not sure what that's going to lead to .advise ?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Do you mean she wants to start talking about the past, as in your relationship in the past? If so, hopefully the two of you can discuss things and be open with each other. Couples counselling could also be helpful.
Congratulations on your 9 years sober!
Congratulations on your 9 years sober!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by ralph G 
Work used to be my outlet . Now it doesn't do it for me any more .
Replacing one thing with another may be your answer. That may work for a period of time but in the end the real issues are going to come back because they were never dealt with, just masked, hidden or ignored.
I did a lot of running when I drank. Jumped from relationship to relationship. It always worked in the beginning but in the end I would run away because it was not working anymore. As much as I wanted to blame the other person, and I am not saying they did not play a part, a big chunk was me and I have found no matter where I go, there I am.
I had to take a good look at me and discover that I could no longer hide in relationships, jobs, different houses, my kids etc.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
One of my favorite lines.
What do you get when a horse thief sobers up?
You get a sober horse thief.
Just because we no longer drink does not mean all of the things that caused us to drink go away. I treated my defects with AA and professional therapy
What do you get when a horse thief sobers up?
You get a sober horse thief.
Just because we no longer drink does not mean all of the things that caused us to drink go away. I treated my defects with AA and professional therapy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Ralph,
I can tell you what is wrong in my marriage and perhaps it will help you or give you an avenue to rule out? My RAH denies that me and our child were impacted by his A. I have no avenue to work through these memories or feelings as we try to rebuild on a shaky foundation as a couple. My RAH refused marital counseling after 2 sessions. I am going on my own, I do SR, I do some Al Anon too. I am on step 4. I see now all the patterns of how we are both ACOA, both Codie. I really have a lifelong fight in Type A, workaholic, OCD tendencies that he is not even particularly aware of. I would really like to systematically work through our 20 years and try to rework our communication system and some objective understanding of our past. Someone to objectively help us clear out our closet of failures. Another major issue - no intimacy in 14 months now. RAH having issues and refuses to go to specialist. Denial.
My counselor basically told me if I am not validated in my marriage, I don't have to stay. That crushes me. He said, sometimes you do all the work and all the right things and you don't get what you want. My H does not understand that I am desperately lonely. I've done the work as best I can on my own. I cannot change my H. I instinctively knew our recoveries would take us to two different places. I suspect he thinks not drinking is enough of a change. It is a great change which is why I have decided to work my steps and give him some time.
The book 5 Love Languages has helped me. I had him take the online quiz and asked him to read the short book. I read it and determined my love language too. I have been trying to do at least one thing a day in his love language, but quickly realized the reason I stopped doing acts of service in my marriage was it was never enough and I got criticism more than appreciation. He has yet to ask me what my love language is. But now I asked our kid to take the test bc it is a handy shorthand way to know someone.
I am starting to watch the spring real estate market. Maybe I will just walk away.
He is emotionally withdrawn. That is what I thought I could fix. More fool me. I hope you do the work and 20 years from now you still both hold hands and know how far you came together.
I can tell you what is wrong in my marriage and perhaps it will help you or give you an avenue to rule out? My RAH denies that me and our child were impacted by his A. I have no avenue to work through these memories or feelings as we try to rebuild on a shaky foundation as a couple. My RAH refused marital counseling after 2 sessions. I am going on my own, I do SR, I do some Al Anon too. I am on step 4. I see now all the patterns of how we are both ACOA, both Codie. I really have a lifelong fight in Type A, workaholic, OCD tendencies that he is not even particularly aware of. I would really like to systematically work through our 20 years and try to rework our communication system and some objective understanding of our past. Someone to objectively help us clear out our closet of failures. Another major issue - no intimacy in 14 months now. RAH having issues and refuses to go to specialist. Denial.
My counselor basically told me if I am not validated in my marriage, I don't have to stay. That crushes me. He said, sometimes you do all the work and all the right things and you don't get what you want. My H does not understand that I am desperately lonely. I've done the work as best I can on my own. I cannot change my H. I instinctively knew our recoveries would take us to two different places. I suspect he thinks not drinking is enough of a change. It is a great change which is why I have decided to work my steps and give him some time.
The book 5 Love Languages has helped me. I had him take the online quiz and asked him to read the short book. I read it and determined my love language too. I have been trying to do at least one thing a day in his love language, but quickly realized the reason I stopped doing acts of service in my marriage was it was never enough and I got criticism more than appreciation. He has yet to ask me what my love language is. But now I asked our kid to take the test bc it is a handy shorthand way to know someone.
I am starting to watch the spring real estate market. Maybe I will just walk away.
He is emotionally withdrawn. That is what I thought I could fix. More fool me. I hope you do the work and 20 years from now you still both hold hands and know how far you came together.
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